JD Vance did NOT have sex with a couch.

Not even a very weird thing for a teenage boy to do tbh, assuming this is a story about being a horny stupid kid.

Imagine the condition of the couch in his hillbilly abode. What’s another stain?

More cushion for the pushin'

Sure, buddy...

Why reveal such a stupid thing? No dog and a jar of Jif?

He is hetero-sectional

[quote]JD Vance did NOT have sex with a couch.

Oh [bold]that's[/bold] what he's saying now? Did I mean [bold]nothing/bold] to him?

No weirder than having sex with an apple pie. Or a tailpipe. (that one shocked me)

Like it’s big enough to go into the cushions lol. He just humps it.

He touched me... there...

It was sofa king hot!

He probably did... and then forced it to carry the Ottoman to term.

"So you like touching little sofas huh? Do you know what they do to couchfuckers in prison?"

I wonder if he got couch burn?

[quote]Imagine the condition of the couch in his hillbilly abode.

You mean in the 4 bedroom home of his MeeMaw, that hillbilly abode?

His first girlfriend was a total divan.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

I did NOT. have. sexual. relations. with. that. couch.

I only fuck fainting couches.

#Me2-seater

Where do you think he got that std (sofa transmitted disease)?

Let’s start a rumor about him daily! It’s DL’s special skill set. Let’s fuck this guy harder than his couch did.

@r17, "Not that there’s anything wrong with that!"

The hell there isn't. I don't want fat boy's hillbilly splooge all over my herculon La-z-Boy sofa... ew

He DID have sex with me. And it was sofa-king good!

[quote]Even comedian Kathy Griffin chimed in, declaring the country should not have a “couchf*cker” as vice president.

Of course she did.

Miss Corinthia

Is Usha questioning her life choices?

R19 you mean you only get fucked on waiting couches Senatrice?

Was it rape rape?

It was Ric Rac Rape, Whoopi.

When things gets too loose JD just has her reupholstered.

At parties in college, he never got laid except when he could find himself an easy chair.

He has pig face, bad trait, negative energy.

He tried to have sex with me, but his tiny little nub couldn't reach my crack!

Do you mind if I just couch surf at your place for a while? You know, just till I get back on my feet, or knock the couch up.

His stubby little toes all curled up while his tip is in the cushions.

ROFL... I'm cracking up, thinking about how horrified Usha will be when seeing a "JD is a couch fucker" meme for the first time.

Bwahahahahaha!!!

Did he use a ribbed glove, for her pleather?

And this is why we won't ask JD Vance to house sit ever again!

(See link below)

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

Is JD cheating on me?

He did WHAT to a couch???!!!

[quote] JD Vance did NOT have sex with a couch.

Oh yes he did!

I’mm loving it. Trump hates this kinda weird stuff.

^ Trump hates weird stuff?... Since when?

R45 Well lame stuff I should say. Even though he is the biggest lame of all time.

Trump hates anyone in his circle getting attention that isn’t directed back at him. His narcissism kicks in and he doesn’t appreciate the competition.

When he gets that feeling, he needs some sectional healing!

JD had sex with a Couch?

The Trump Campaign should have caught this during the vetting - when asked his sexual orientation during his VP screening physical, Vance replied “Buy sectional.”

We need an equivalent of the Starr Report to investigate semen stains on the couch slipcover.

Didn't the AP retract that debunking?

AP deleted the debunking.

After the story was removed, a spokesman for AP said it “didn’t go through our standing editing process”.

^ Oh, sure, next they'll say it's NOT Maybelline

You people are horrible.

More! More!

The Secret Service has given Vance the codename "Bobcat."

Coincidence?

Lazy boy

Turns out he DID fuck the couch. In an earlier version of the book

see related thread linked below

Please, please let this come up at the vice-presidential debate!!

I did not have sex with that couch.

It was that one over there.

Is this the appropriate thread for the dolphin porn search?

Vance looks like the kind of queen who likes to trick in viewing booths inside filthy roadside dirty bookstores.

ew

What about Peter Thiel?

I'll bet there are some single mother couches in Appalachia impregnated by Vance that had unwanted cushions due to abortion bans.

If he shows proof that he did NOT fuck a couch, then I’ll believe him.

Well they must call it a love seat for a reason.

Linda Tripp claimed before she died that the sofa showed her the blue slipcover.

Vladimir Futon

Couch fucker is a label you can't come back from. He needs to change his name for a 5th time and leave the country.

The couch was TOTALLY asking for it with those cheap slip covers . . .

Pictures of him in drag/blackface/Nazi coming in 1, 2, 3 ...

The alluring scent of Febreze with a hint of cigarette and suede was too much for him to resist. And she was modular, too.

There are a LOT of misconceptions in this thread. Please see my statement.

"Couch, show us on this dollhouse sofa where the fat hillbilly touched you"

Don’t worry, Vance. These rumors will go away when people realize how baseless they are.

Took me a moment to realise why The Simpsons was trending on Twitter.

"I did not have SECTIONAL relations!!!"

I'm just waiting to see what new perversion he's got lined up next.

This makes Bill Clinton's "bimbo explosions" seem so quaint.

R1 is right. Definitely not something you’d want in the public spotlight, but not remotely abnormal for a horny teenage boy. I remember around 14 years old putting a lotion-filled ziploc bag in between my box spring and mattress and going to town. Teen boys will fuck anything to relieve their hardons. Even a couch.

R82 Did you also stick things up your butt? Don’t worry about oversharing — it will only make you more popular.

[quote]Pictures of him in drag/blackface/Nazi coming in 1, 2, 3 ...

Close, R74.

The rumors about him having sex with furniture are exaggerated. It wasn't a regular thing. It was just one nightstand.

R85 I hope the couch was scotch-guarded.

Who hasn't done this?

No big whoop.

What about whoopee cushions, R87? Those are awkward sex noises.

JD, call me, I think I know a few things about fetishes that won't go away

[quote]What about whoopee cushions, [R87]?

Was it RAPE-rape?

Chelsea Handler:

[quote]“All of us childless cat and dog ladies are going to go from childless and crushing it to childless and crushing you in November,” Handler said. “And before you tell me he didn’t really fuck a couch, spare me. I grew up in New Jersey in the ’80s where everyone had a couch in their basement and I know a couch fucker when I see one.”