Finding it harder to be gay as I get older.

No. It wouldn't.

Life moght be easier, but not necessarily happier.

Sounds like you’re drowning in heteronormativity which sounds repressive. Your sexuality isn’t the problem, your location is.

I’m a year older than you and living in the city, most of my straight friends aren’t even married. Or have already gotten divorced.

You don’t seem very happy in the closet. What is that telling you?

And life would be easier if you weren’t gay but life also would be lived in the dark.

Us homos build a sense of self-awareness and seek purpose from life outside of the mindless “marry and have kids” checklist breeders follow, which also leads to unhappiness for them.

Be lucky to be gay. You might not feel it now but at 35, you could be paying for some kid you don’t want or in a marriage with a woman who hates you.

Could be much worse if you were straight!

don't waste what time you have left on this planet by being miserable. Get the fuck out of whatever podunk town you are in and move- NOW. You can figure out a way to make it happen, if you really want to.

35? Bitch, I have SHOES older than that.

You're still young. You have time to change whatever you don't like. I changed pretty much my entire life at 40.

Sitting in a dark corner clutching the hem of your dress and wishing something different would happen will get you nowhere. Make a change, get out of Podunkia, and LIVE!

One of the easiest traps for gay men to fall into is to think they should be living the same types of lives as their heterosexual contemporaries. If you fall into the trap, you're just committing yourself to a life of insecurity and misery.

Don't look at what other people are doing. Don't compare your life to anyone else's. Find out what makes you happy and pursue it. Live your life on your own terms. You're still very young. You can change course. Like some others on here have said, I think the first step you need to take is to get out of whatever repressive community you're living in. This will help you discover what really makes you tick and what makes you happy.

Do it, OP. We're rooting for you.

You would be so much happier if you lived in an urban area around other gay people, OP. Even some place like Wichita or Indianapolis would be better than a rural town.

Move.

Welcome to life as an Eldergay! You're just starting early.

You’re not finding it harder to be gay as you’re not gay. You’re hiding in the closet pretending to be a straight man and you realize you’re wasting your one and only life away.

Grow up. Take responsibility. Stop whining to strangers. Get control of your life and make choices that move you forward. Break down the closet door.

Get the hell out of Normalville. It will kill you from the inside out. Second, get some balls and be a man. You are a 35 year old nobody living in a town of nobodies who are following a map of life because they are too stupid, or afraid to be themselves. And you are just like them- married or not. The fact that you think you have little to talk about only tells me that you are living a lie. If you are that afraid to be yourself then you deserve to be alone. The many of us who live our life without fear or regret are happier people no matter our present condition because we are not afraid. Fear makes you weak and obtuse. Just ask a Trump voter. You are whining at 35 about an issue you should have faced at 25. You want to live with someone else- adopt a pet. You want to be free then free yourself by not asking why but what can be done to move forward. Or else you will be on the lost highway with the other bodies that couldn't move forward . If you are that afraid to come out then you are endangering your health and welfare for the sake of Mayberry. Dumb move.

find a therapist who treats depression for gays, you have it

God, you're exhausting.

I don’t even know that your location is the root of your problem. It’s the fact that you’re lying about who you are to everyone who is close to you. You need to start there.

I get it OP ,you are in an environment where you cant feel free to be yourself. The only thing that can change that is either moving or just coming out and let the chips fall where they may. Heres something I bet you havent thought of... they all know you are gay . You think all these years and not one girlfriend or even a date hasnt made them wonder ? I bet if you did tell them everyone would be all "Duh" . Will you lose some friends and family ? probably,but I bet you will start getting hit on . Im sure theres more than one of you there. Ultimately it doesnt matter one whit what anyone else thinks of you,its about what you think of you .

Life isn't a waiting room for something better, OP — This is all we have, and it's damn short. Move away, come out of the closet, then wonder why you didn't do that 10 years ago, and finally be free and thankful.

OP count your blessings. You could be living in Iran or Afghanistan

[quote] I never struggled with my sexuality growing up. Never felt shameful or conflicted

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you sound delusional.

This has already been asked, but why do you have to live in your town?? Move to a bigger city.

Another whiny, depressing gay. Grow up. Move to a city or just continue to be miserable. Life is way too short.

R22- Better that than me which is a whiny depressing ( but not depressed) ELDER gay.

Be the town whore. Get the men out there on the downlow and blow their minds with your oral skills as you blow their dicks. Or just come out of the closet and you’ll find life better instantly.

Is this post from 1985?

Why alway blame the sexuality? What about your own inactivity? Life’s a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.

I'm sorry to say this and it sounds cruel but your behavior is pretty bizarre. You stay in a place where you know you will not be welcome, where you cannot be yourself and then start with the woe is me bit. You sound like a not very bright 18 year old living in 1952.

Have you actually smelled a vagina, OP?

You failed by not warning your guy friends to get vasectomies

It gets harder to be everything as you get older.

You may as well lament your race or sex as lament being gay. You feel bad for yourself because you live in some shitty rural place where you think that someone 35 is old and expected to act accordingly.

Many of the best things in my life happened after I was 35, some happened after I was 55, some after 65.

Thinking that everyone around you is happier is a dangerous and unwinnable game.

OP, your sexuality is one thing that will never change, like your birthday or the fact that you were born male. You can change your lifestyle but not your sexuality. My hunch is that there are other factors like self-esteem that would even make consider renouncing your sexuality and those would be best explored in therapy. Should you decide to "leave the gay behind" and marry a woman, you would have to contend not just with your self-esteem but also with being stuck in a relationship for which you were not emotionally engineered.

This is a no brainer. OP, you are creating your own misery by not being honest, and not being your true self. Sometimes you have to grow a pair and be able to take care of yourself instead of whining. You're asserting that you're a victim, but you're actually just being selfish. Do something.

Old AA saying: Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides.

It gets harder to get hard as you get older. Use that dick while you can.

The best thing I can say to you OP is that you need to find a way to get out of that town and find a job in a decent sized city with a gay community. If you stay in that town you're likely to be more and more unhappy until you reach an age where it doesn't matter whether your gay or not because getting sex is no longer an issue.

What R26 said.

Seriously.

I have a few questions and I’m asking because I genuinely want to help you (assuming this isn’t a troll post).

1. Why are you still in the closet after all these years? You’re in your 30s so you are no longer dependent on your family, I hope.

2. Why do you live in such a close-minded area? Are you college educated? Do you have a career? Are you able to find a job in a bigger city with more diversity and opportunities?

I have been where you’re at, OP. I decided to finally live my life on my terms when I was about 23. Before that, I was slowly dying. I had horrific health problems. I was in my early 20s but felt like I was 80 years old. It was not worth it. You are still young enough that you can make a change in your life. It’s 2025, you can be gay and live a fulfilled life.

I have never envied straight people and the traditional, white picket fence lifestyle. It’s bullshit propaganda that was created during the 1950s. It was a lie then and it’s a lie now. The vast majority of straight couples with kids are NOT happy. Read any relationship advice subreddit on Reddit if you don’t believe me.

Finally, I’ll leave you with this: “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anaïs Nin

Time to move to the big city, OP.

You should have done it the moment you turned 18.

Oh well, what’s done is done. Do it NOW.

You can always marry a portly lass

Yes - what everyone is saying.

FUCKING MOVE out of that hick town.

There are hardly any small towns suitable for gays. Lesbians seem to make a go of it for some reason. But two men? No.

MOVE. You've only got one life. MOVE.

[quote]I never struggled with my sexuality growing up. Never felt shameful or conflicted.

[quote]I’ve never had the courage to come out and live openly. I was always scared of being ostracized and losing my family and friends.

Well here's your problem. 35 is a great age to figure out what's wrong and get on a new track.

Knock up a girl, OP. Then you can have a family.

Some therapy will help you understand why you are where you are now, and help you think through where you want to be and what steps you can’t start taking.

OP, you're the definition of a sad sack. Best that you come out now in your mid-30s, finally, and deal with any fallout. On the upside, there will be advantages. You might find a good life in your town or it might force a move and either way it will be better than your current hell hole existence.

OP, even if u werent gay, at 35, everyone you know probably considers that u probably are. it wont be the big deal h think it is. People will move on so fast to whatever new fad is happening on the Internet. U Have to come out. U are not living the correct life. Plus, How do u know every guy is str8...ur not, but to another closet gay u look str8. U dont need a big coming out event, just start with close friends. Believe me they've discussed the probability that ur gay. .they wont care. This takes guts. And is a rights of psssage. Good luck. We're routing for you. Xxx

OP - I think you need to move to a large city for a while and come out there first and get some experience and support behind you before you do it in your hometown. That's honestly what I would do.

I think I'd like to move to a smaller town now. When I was young, gay meant moving to a Big City. But I'm sort of disconnected from anything gay now. And a relationship just ain't gonna happen. I want to have a nice house with a big yard and very little crime; that's just not possible in a metro area of 1 million people.

Small towns tend to be evil, run by corrupt people who have been connected since childhood. The city is actually freedom

Hun… 35 in a small town and no girlfriends… people have already wondered if you’re gay.

Maybe small town closet cases are just "singing men" or "flamboyant", as in Ireland.

With all due respect, I question the veracity of the poster. It is rather too perfectly written to make a case, and has a lady-catfish smell to it.

BUT I apologize if wrong, and can only assert that at 35 a gay man living in a rural are who is constrained in living life as he knows he needs it NEEDS TO FUCKING MOVE.

I have two gay cousins living in rural areas (one in a small town, one on his farm) and their lives are diminished by their staying put. GET OUT or accept your lack of courage. Familial and "friend" loss is worth it, because no life should be sacrificed for the bullshit of others' ignorance.

OR come out where you are. It's possible to live discreetly and yet not dishonestly. When I travel I see that Grindr and other sources of hooking-up everywhere and very active. And if it's relationships one wants, there are ways.

You sound supremely fucked up

[quote]I see my friends getting married and having kids which I don’t envy but I feel because I’m not also married with kids we have less and less to talk about and do.

OP surely you realize this ^^^ could have been written by any number of heterosexual people too?

OP, I think you and your baby need to get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.

What I've noticed (not that it's hard to notice) is that most posters on DL live in cities. Usually NYC. Some live in LA. Very few seem to live in gay old San Francisco, for some reason. At any rate, or course they're going to tell you to move to a city. Obviously at your age if you haven't done that, you probably don't want to. And you have actual, lifelong friends, where you live, which is one of the advantages of living where you grew up that is rarely mentioned. People who needed to escape the smothering environment of where they grew up probably had few friends.

You're not finding it harder to be gay, you're finding it harder to be in the closet. You should probably come out to some of your friends.[ If you aren't accepted or somehow your life becomes hell, there, then you would probably want to leave. But if things work out, what's the problem? You can probably meet other gay people online.

By the way, it's 2025 and there's usually acceptance of gay people even in small towns. If you want to meet other gay people try something artsy like a writing, painting or especially a theater group.

Are you fat?

Outhouses are the original American tearooms.

Clothespin on the nose and those ancient Sears catalogues for wiping your face down afterwards!

R55 - Not true - most DLers don't live in NYC - but most gay men do live in big cities for obvious reasons. Employment, protection, and community. Oh and entertainment.

I've never understood the appeal of small towns. Boring, small-minded, everybody knows your business - sure, there is much more community and you know a lot of people - but that's a double-edged sword. It comes with a lot of judgment, gossip and 'staying in your lane' and be like the rest of us.

Small towns were for agricultural people to trade and barter. It's a holdover from agrarian life that doesn't exist anymore.

[quote] Not true - most DLers don't live in NYC

How do you know that? Anyway, a lot must, judging from what I read on threads--and judging from the threads.

[quote] I've never understood the appeal of small towns.

And there are many people who don't understand the appeal of living in cities.

[quote] Boring, small-minded, everybody knows your business - sure, there is much more community and you know a lot of people - but that's a double-edged sword. It comes with a lot of judgment, gossip and 'staying in your lane' and be like the rest of us.

Cliches. You don't live there. You're getting your ideas from old movies. Of course some of what you say is true, but then if I spit our a lot of cliches about people in cities -- phony, shallow, self-absorbed, materialistic -- there might be some truth to it, also.

[quote] Small towns were for agricultural people to trade and barter. It's a holdover from agrarian life that doesn't exist anymore.

No idea what you're talking about, there. Do you mean small towns in the Midwest? There are small towns on the coasts, in the mountains, etc., that had nothing to do with agriculture.

I know what you mean. It's hard to find younger guys who share your interests, whether you're in the country or city.

Not that I'm sure I'd trust any who did.

You know what I mean, OP?

[quote]Small towns were for agricultural people to trade and barter. It's a holdover from agrarian life that doesn't exist anymore.

It must be wonderful to be so knowledgeable without any actual knowledge of the subject upon which one is pronouncing.

Such freedom.

Healthcare is better for older people in the cities.

R62 - then what is the purpose of having a consolidation of businesses with transportation links for? It's for commerce.

Stupid is as stupid does. And no - we're not talking about suburbs and smaller towns within a larger metro area. Those are still part of the larger city economy.

Most small towns are struggling - with a handful of exceptions. Their purpose was exactly for what I described.

[quote] Stupid is as stupid does. And no - we're not talking about suburbs and smaller towns within a larger metro area. Those are still part of the larger city economy.

Who said you get to decide what kind of small towns we're talking about? You really are insufferable. You decided we must only be talking about small towns with a basis in agriculture. FFS.

What is you live in a fishing village with a population of 1000? Does that affect one's social life? What about a former coal town in Pennsylvania? Or whatever? A small town in Colorado that centered on mining. Or a town in Oregon that was about logging. Grow up, dude. Grow up.

Women are increasingly disinterested in dating and cohabitating with men, due to men's poor social and emotional intelligence. Were you straight, you'd probably end up an incel.

*What if

R65 - you're the insufferable one. Yes small towns also developed around regional business development - like mining or a specific manufacturing. But that was also often tied to the land and area around it - just like agriculture. In your case mining is a perfect example. And the small town developed for what reason? To provide goods and services to the people who lived there.

To act like small towns are not micro-economic hubs to support a local population is just stupidity of the highest degree. Most small towns did develop and grow to support the agricultural community around it. Back when agriculture was the #1 job - and before machinery and advances, it took a LOT of farmers and work to produce food. Now a farmer can make 169x what an average farmer produced in 1900.

Over 90% of new jobs are in larger metro areas. To sit there and say that small towns exist because people like it better than cities or to not admit that small towns are dying is just stupidity.

OP, get the hell out of Podunk and move to a large city. You'll meet other gay men and perhaps form new friendships. Don't waste your life; you'll regret it. Do it now.

OP - are you still alive? Blink once for yes, twice for no!

What R69 said. It’s a function of how social you are and what size market you’re in. Some of us want a small to mid size market, others run for the towers.

OP, give us your location so we can check out your prospects for you on Grindr.

R72 - OP said he lives in a small, rural town. The odds are good that there's someone in proximity - problem is, the goods are probably odd.

R73 - that’s half the fun of checking.

[quote]“He just kept a-beggin’ and a-cryin’ and a-wantin’ to come out.”

From fieldwork on Ozark dialect led by Nanjo Dube in 1988 collected audio recordings of native speakers from rural areas in Crawford, Franklin, Johnson, Madison, and Newton counties.

I think it's a lot harder today to just pick up and move to a major metropolitan area where you have no connections. That may have often been the answer for previous generations but I'm not so sure for this one. Look to smaller metropolitan areas or small towns with a gay enclave often in resort areas. My medium sized area has a population of 500,000 and you can find the gays pretty easily - theatre groups, episcopol church, nudist groups, democratic party, hair salons, grindr, etc.

I can understand gay people wanting to live in small communities and rural areas, if want they want is there.

I've lived mostly in large cities but also hours from cities, a half hour drive to find a soda beverage machine, farther to a small town with any services, farther still to what is considered a city, and a three hour drive to a big city. If you're happy with yourself and with your life, it can work and it has its reward. But it's not a place to fill a social void, not a place to meet an especially wide variety of people (with some nice surprises), not a place to wander into an Algonquin round table at the feed store.

OP, I can guarantee that if you do nothing different, you’ll slowly get older and older and older and then die. If you do lots of things different, you will still slowly get older and older and older and then die.

Mortality can be depressing… or its truth can prod you into some courage. What kind of life do you want in these remaining years? There is a lot of good advice in this thread.

OP, it’s hard to believe that you have no issues with your sexuality when you haven’t come out and have spent the last 15+ years falling in love with straight men.

College towns are nice. You might meet someone in the math department.

As a country gay I felt out of my element in NYC. My Grindr was silent and all the gays there looked like boring Ken doll clones. In Bugtussle there’s less competition.

Meet someone on Craigslist and then tell everyone you met on hinge...

[quote] I think it's a lot harder today to just pick up and move to a major metropolitan area where you have no connections

Uh, sure

I'm twice your age and my 30s through 60s were great. Switch up your attitude.

[quote] You don’t seem very happy in the closet. What is that telling you?

It is unclear. Sometimes the closet is the best place to hide for survival and peace of mind. Rejection by family and loved ones can be ruinous to your self-esteem and well-being. Why trade the security of friends and family for a world of queer trauma and dysfunction? Living out loud is not always a step towards happiness and fulfillment.

R83 Thanks for the eye roll. It's my first on here!

[quote] My medium sized area has a population of 500,000 and you can find the gays pretty easily - theatre groups, episcopal church, nudist groups, democratic party, hair salons, grindr, etc.

Except for nudist groups (there used to be one, up the road) you can find all that in my town of 18,000 people.

I like living in a small town. You can go months without hearing anyone refer to Sondheim, Patti Lupone, or Ronan Farrow.

OP is clearly an EST troll and he's probably jerking off his tiny cocklet with tweezers while reading the responses in this EST thread.

Have you tried conversion therapy? That way you can be even more miserable as an open, hetero male.

See, I think the opposite. I'm glad I don't live the standard marry a woman, have kids and pay for them life.

Maybe I sound selfish, but life is stressful enough without all that.

I have been to more straight wedding than I want to admit to, and I can honestly say 10 years out, 7 out of 10 have already ended in divorce. And the 2 that are still together, are having "issues" they always seem to be talking about. The thing is, no one invites you to their divorce parties. So straight marriage are not all they appear to be. Irronicly, I am not married, but my partner and I have been together almost 35 years.

OP, you don't have to move to a big city. Just a small city or even a large town. Anywhere you can get a wider perspective.

Conversion therapy works R90.

OP I am 45- I have never had any connection to gay life- no interest in Pride, parades, P-Town- All of it. I was blessed with a lot of straight friends and co workers who were pretty cool- Friendships have kind of drifted as I have gotten older and I just have nothing in common with straight couples- You know, attending kid's sport events, couples date couples, etc.. I have not been to a gay club since I was 25- I just feel nothing for the entire thing. I like dick but I've learned to live without it. I am handsome (minus love handles) and being considered old. I look damn good for my age but I have to work at it- But will likely die alone. Very scared of dementia with the misanthropic life I am living. Not depressed- love running, love nature. Im a basic bitch. Live in a semi blue area thankfully in the northeast. I don't know man- Life is short- Do whatever will make you feel better- You don't owe anyone anything but to try to live a good life- I lived in Boston for a few years. Loved the energy and really liked the city- but not one aspect of my life there was "gay life" it was just me living my life. I just never let the gay shit bother me or affect me. At this point I have nothing in common with gays or straights! (But what I will always love is how fucking funny gay men are- Just from being here for 20 years- These guys are some of the funniest and smartest and WISEST people on earth. Lesbians are not very funny, but they are generally pretty wise too.

What a fool you are. You have internalized so many negative stereotypes about gays. Gays are just people like everybody else. Your fear is ridiculous.

[quote]What a fool you are. You have internalized so many negative stereotypes about gays. Gays are just people like everybody else. Your fear is ridiculous.

What a bitter comment.

Yeah, well, when you've been bombarded with negative and bitter and dangerous opinions about gays for 10, 20 , 30 years, it's not surprising that someone might internalize all the shit that's thrown at them.

Not everyone grows up in an enlightened household, or school, or neighborhood.

Not everyone has the strength to break through, you fool. Who are you to judge their reactions or lives as ridiculous?

i second R96

You're wasting your life OP.

How to you reconcile these two statements, OP:

[Quote] I never struggled with my sexuality growing up. Never felt shameful or conflicted.

[Quote] I’ve never had the courage to come out and live openly.

Therein lies the problem. You have struggled. You have felt shame. You are conflicted. I am in the same boat, in a city, but at least I recognize that the root of it all is deep, deep shame.

Wallowing in self-pity over your self-created misery is no way to go through life, OP. Try taking some positive steps to improve your circumstances. Unless, of course, you're happier wallowing in self-pity. But that would be pathetic. Such a negative attitude will get you exactly nowhere.

Sad last days

DL is sinking quickly and surely.

[quote]Wallowing in self-pity over your self-created misery is no way to go through life

Slacker!

[quote]What a bitter comment.

I think you missed R96 point entirely. Its not about external opinions of gays, it's you projecting them as how gays are as a group and how this made up idea of what gays are supposed to be like is not the world you fit into. But there's the rub, you made this negative stereotype up yourself. Gays are party animals, spend every day in the clubs, all are whores, etc. That's NOT how most gay men are, it's your projection. People are people regardless of who they have sex with. Other than that, everyone is an individual and I would say most of my gay friend don't fit that mold at all.