What makes a relationship crumble more than anything?

According to clinical and research psychologist John Gottman, it's criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Of which the worst is contempt. He calls these four "The Four Horsemen."

But... my parents rode astride these four everyday of their marriage and are still together, so ...

I mean, it depends. If you behave like an idiot your love should call you out. Like drunk drama. But in every day sober life , never should your partner berate you.

Apologies make a big difference too. If apologizing doesn't happen then yes, you should leave

As OP said, emotional/verbal abuse tops the list (for me personally).

R4 I know someone with a Tammy that is horrid! Where is your Tammy from?

Vancouver BC r5.

Thanks R6, the one I know is from the states. But funny that there are numerous Tammy's that are cunts! We refer to her as Tam Tam!

Under a certain age, for gays, an important factor is a dead sex life with each other. Some of our DL crypt-dwelling PTSD eldergays may not relate to this as they are scarred from the AIDS years and haven't ever had satisfying love lives and sex lives.

Stonewalling sounds fun. Reenactment of the riot.

Taking it personally when one's partner doesn't worship the author of one's favorite children's novels.

My feelings are this: treat the one you are with as beautifully as a 70s love song. Why are you with this human if not to spoil and adore? You can treat strangers or work assholes like shit but not the one that loves you.

Dirty pillows

My partner made it impossible for the relationship to continue. Verbal abuse was the least of it. He got us heavily into debt and when I told him we couldn't afford a trip he was planning he started physically abusing me. There was nothing to do but end it at that point.

Fights about money and career issues.

Contempt.

Not having that bussy clean and ready whenever I want it.

Money issues.

When they have a separate social life.

One partner always dragging the other along who wont do for themselves emotionally financially or have enthusiasm for the aspects that make life. Nobody wants an anchor dragging them down. My ex all he did was read books sleep eat and work. He had no juice for life. I cut the anchor chain.

Black and white rules are pointless. We all have bad days. I’ve probably been guilty of every one of these at some point in 30 years. If you can treat your loved one like a love song every day of your life, you’re a saint. I don’t know many.

I've learned to ingratiate myself with my in-laws. Husband's mother loves me. His sister is more difficult but he knows I try and is willing to admit she's a bitch. Even his mother says so.

I'm not supposed to repeat that but I can do it here.

There is so much to say about this topic. I think abuse, verbally or physical, is the outcome of a different root cause. I notice with other couples (sometimes in my own relationship) that the partners lose common courtesy that they would afford anybody else, but not their own partner anymore. They get increasingly impatient with the partner about things that have gone on for a while without getting resolved in time. Once shit piles up it takes a while to resolve it all. And at some point you wonder if it's worth it.

Loss of trust

Communication breakdowns

Infidelity (physical or emotional)

People who stop putting in the work

lack of generosity. Nobody wants to beg for attention or be treated liked a doormat.

When one partner stops fundamentally liking or admiring the other and doesn’t particularly want their partner to be happy…. or when that’s become mutually true. Once that is the way it is, it’s a shit relationship. The dysfunction can then manifest as anything from abuse to cold neglect, but it will manifest.

In a decades-long relationship sex tends to simmer down, but having sustained physical and relational affection and kindness, shared interests, a shared sense of humor are a much better way to slowly get old than having a lack of these things.

Are you in northern Alberta, r13?

Indifference.

Alcoholism and addiction - unacknowledged and untreated.

Lack of communication, Emotional immaturity, listening to outside well-meaning? relationship advice, aka meddling mothers.

R2?

En Vino Veritas…

Lying.

One partner taking up a new job with lots of travel in year seven.

When your partner takes your dildo out of your nightstand and cuts it’s up with scissors.

Arsenic and old lace.

[quote]Alcoholism and addiction - unacknowledged and untreated.

R28 this so fucking much it hurts. And that is often what is driving the verbal abuse - and the for horsemen that R2 mentions

All behind me now thankfully

Contempt

Running out of things to admire in the other person.

The multiple, inexplicable STIs you keep getting while in a “monogamous” relationship.

This happened to you, russdog?

When your rich boyfriend's lifestyle makes you bankrupt.

"Alcoholism and addiction - unacknowledged and untreated."

If only

With me it was constant criticism always putting me on the defensive, and a very competitive relationship a toxic relationship where he was rooting for me to fail. It was horrible. I still have situations that I find triggering. My father. That's who I'm talking about.

R42 I also had a narcissist father who was oppositional, critical and demeaning to the point of absurdity. I had that 24/7 for the first 18 years of my life, and had CPTSD and fearful attachment issues for the next 30 years because of it. (I found a kind of guided meditation work called the Ideal Parent Protocol where you practice envisioning a relationship with an ideal loving parent, and it helped me as much as anything to overcome my childhood conditioning. It also helped me with current relationships enormously)

(* Ideal Parent FIGURE protocol)

Verbal abuse = repressed anger.

When it shows up, run, because the abuser is looking for excuses.