Would you consider it cheating just to receive oral from a suck buddy?

Yes.

Have you actually told your partner how much you want it? What does he say? Why doesn't he like doing it? Do you cum big loads or something? I love oral also, so it would be disappointing if my partner didn't like giving it. If he knows up front that you want to do this, then maybe it's fine. If not, you've got bigger problems.

No.

Go for it, OP -- life is shorter than you think.

[quote]How would you react?

I'd react by giving my partner the blow jobs he desires. If I actually value my partner, that is.

OP, we will need to see your dick and cum first. Kidding, kidding. Sort of.

I do not think it's a huge deal, OP, but I'm a very horny person so I would not even date someone who hated giving oral.

It’s better to break up because this sounds like a dealbreaker for you.

Have you tried walking around your house pants-less with a post-it note on the head of your dick that says "Blow me, Big Daddy!"?

You must be too young to remember the two years that all Americans spent either wallowing in or trying desperately to avoid hearing every explicit detail of the blowjob Monica Lewinsky gave Bill Clinton, and that Bill was impeached by refusing to say that that blowjob consitituted having sex.

So yeah, it's been adjudicated by the US House of Representatives with a "yes."

You have the right to cheat if you want to, but bear in mind your partner also has the right to dump you for it.

He can’t really control every mouth his dick winds up in.

If it’s some random anonymous guy? No. If it’s someone you know beyond this one time event? Yes.

Depends on your relationship. Every relationship is different. More mature relationships recognize that it is highly egotistical to think that you can possibly be the be all end all of another human being’s desires. You also learn that happy relationships can come from sexually satisfied partners who don’t feel guilty about having sex with someone other than each other. We’re not protecting bloodlines or birthrights here.

Yes OP it’s cheating. Let your partner know about how your sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled. You know it’s cheating. You didn’t need to ask us. You seem reasonably intelligent. If your partner is in the know and signs off on it, then it’s not cheating. But again you knew that too.

[quote] More mature relationships recognize that it is highly egotistical to think that you can possibly be the be all end all of another human being’s desires.

Thanks for weighing in, Tiger Lewis.

Would you let a random guy blow you in front of your partner? If the answer is no, then it’s cheating.

Who doesn't like to give blowjobs? That's weird. Dump him.

I’m still struggling with your claim that other than lack of getting blown your sex life is still fun. You’ve been putting up with this for three years? What about him? Does he also have a revulsion to being on the receiving end?

R15, I’m not the OP, but that sounds hot.

No! I'd be happy. Less work for mother.

[quote] Let your partner know about how your sexual needs aren’t being fulfilled. You know it’s cheating.

I’d rather have him cheat than hear that.

Tiger Lewis and entire countries like France r14. I sometimes forget America was started by Puritans. There is a discreet and respectful to have sex with other people JUST to get your sexual needs met.

Newt Gingrich defined what a blowjob was for men!!

Blowjobs are not cheating-R9 is correct

Biologically, men are not meant to be monogamous. I would say this is even more so for gay men. I don't personally think it's cheating, but it's the natural order of things. However, each relationship must define its own rules for what is allowed outside of the relationship; others can not define it for you.

Stealth open relationship thread.

Just remember OP, in every monogamous relationship, one person is the last to find out they’re not.

OP isn't getting blowjobs because his partner's jaw is too tired from the dongs he's been sucking off on the side, most likely. There's a reason they call it "strange." Sometimes you just want to be someone different sexually with someone else in ways that you don't want to with your partner - and you don't want to make a power point presentation explaining it all to them. "Babe, would you mind trying just kicking me in the nuts a lil' bit? No, not in the suede loafers mom got you for Christmas, but like steel toe work boots? Then like spit on my hole and call me a "Dirty Capitalist" before you shove it in? Let's just try it..."

R14 and R21 - Do you mean Tiger WOODS?

who the hell is Tiger Lewis, and what does he have to do with infidelity?

If you make a commitment to somebody, you honor it. If you can't, you shouldn't have committed in the first place.

AIDS is still lurking. Don't be that guy who contracts it and spreads it to the person you love.

[quote]AIDS is still lurking. Don't be that guy who contracts it and spreads it to the person you love.

Datalounge: Where it's 1985 all the time.

R27, you sound like someone representing a conservative straight-person's traditionalist reflex, expressed like you've been spurned or have never had a real relationship without societal claptrap. Even same-sex marriage does not oblige gay people to consider a loving, honest commitment as being tied to each other with barbed wire.

And if you're unfamiliar with the concept of safe/safer sex and today's medicinal safeguards, please step up from 1985.

ok, R29 - "claptrap" is now my new favorite word!

Having a blow buddy, though, can involve reciprocity, unless one is interested in encounters with a committed, old-fashioned "cocksucker." (No criticism, just aware that such encounters may not be as therapeutic as expected.

Doesn't it seem like the OP's alleged issues would best be discussed within the no-blow relationship, rather than being a pretense about vows and exclusivity and "cheating" here? Smells inauthentic.

OP, have you tried cleaning under your foreskin more frequently?

My view has always been that lasting gay relationships work best when they are open sexually, but not romantically or in any other sense. One guy is your partner/husband, but many can be your bed mates/hookups. It relieves so much stress that way.

But the answer to your question OP is that "cheating" is that which goes against the mutual understanding of the relationship boundaries you two have created . It sounds like oral would likely be considered cheating based on that. Whether you still choose to do it is up to you. Just be aware that he will probably leave you if he finds out.

I think the cheating test is easy. Whether you feel the urge to disregard it is much harder.

Would you tell your partner that you have a suck buddy? Do you think your partner would find that information essential for him to know? If the answer to both is yes, then yes, you are hiding information he expects you to share with him. So you would have the obligation to share, and not sharing would be an omission just as bad as lying.

Would you do it anyway?

I need to know more about your boyfriend. What self-respecting gay man doesn’t love giving head?

r31 "rather than being a pretense about vows..."

Seek help, learn to read.

[quote]What self-respecting gay man doesn’t love giving head?

Me!

r27 Bless your heart.

An open relationship is consensual. Cheating involves going behind your partner's back.

Is a glory hole an option and would that be considered cheating? You could also pay for it and keep it strictly professional and transactional. Or ask your bf to suck your dick more often.

Blowing a guy you’ve been with for a while is tedious. He’s not so excited he explodes after a minute. Even using all your powers and all your skills, as Don Corleone might say, it’s going to be a while if the guy is only moderately excited. Of course when he comes and you keep sucking and he’s grunting and groaning and twitching, that’s a great payoff. But until then, you feel like your face is about to fall off.

So I get it.

If you value your relationship, you need to discuss and get consent. Being sexually intimate with someone else is a betrayal unless he approves.

Hell, he may be turned on by it and may want to watch. Maybe he would enjoy being sucked off by the new guy too.

[quote]Being sexually intimate with someone else is a betrayal unless he approves.

I can forget I have had sex with someone the second I am done if my heart isn't in it and it's just about sex. Zero attachment. Zero intimacy. Just the facts ma'am. I had a full on conversation with someone years later only to realize after that we had hooked up. Men can experience intimacy and men can fully separate intimacy from any sexual act.

But that's just your side. If your partner has a slightly different take on that, you have a problem. And then you need to discuss.

Yes, I agree with you 100% R43. I guess without evening discussing it, I knew, from the types of people we are, sex outside of our partnership would not ruin what we have. Not every relationship is like that. And I didn't do anything I could handle if I found out that he had done the same thing.

[Quote] Men can experience intimacy and men can fully separate intimacy from any sexual act.

I’m a man and I’m sure I’m not the only one here who thinks this is easier said than done.

Unless you’re randomly hiring or hooking up with a different guy every single time, which imo is its own absolutely terrible idea, you’re going to develop a kind of relationship with your blowee. And if there’s any kind of relationship there at all, even transactional, that relationship might reveal itself unexpectedly to your partner.

There’s no way you can hermetically seal it off.

Isn’t this a question you should be asking said partner?

Your partner is a weirdo.

No, unless you spend time with him outside of your regular fellatio sessions then that would be considered a date .

Dear Ann Landers I am a homosexualist. I have written to this internet side called Datalounge. . .

Glad they're doing this bit on public television.

Oops wrong thread, sorry.

Speak for yourself, r41. Giving pleasure to someone you love and are attracted to is not tedious. You must not like sucking dick if your idea of a perfect experience is someone exploding in less than a minute. Blowjobs certainly require effort though, you're right about that.

Of course it is cheating. But you knew that.

I am one of those guys whose favorite thing is giving head, and I think I'm good at it. Over the years, I have "serviced" several married or committed guys whose partners did not suck dick. Only a couple were "open" and their partners knew they got head from somebody on the down low. As the "other" person, I did not care. Sue me. But I often wondered why some of these guys' partners did not like them enough to blow them. A few of them had what I considered perfect dicks and bar none, they were fast cummers. At this time, I have two "regulars" who pop by for a blowie a couple times a month. I am blessed.

R48 I blew one guy who was my outlet for over 15 years. It was just that. It was at least once a month on average. He had a great dick. No talking, I just come over and suck him off.

R50, that was the perfect mistake! lol

Hmmm. Would it be considered cheating if, while having my ass eaten out so deeply that I thought the whole of my body might collapse like one of those dry meringues of dusty sugar? If, while that was happening, I spent hours wrecking a stranger's ass, fucking him, jerking off inside him, edging, edging, edging, then at the last second, I pull out and shoot into the open eyes of his boyfriend who has been jerking off feversihly the whole time? Technically, is it even sex?

Fucking hell, just figure it out your own rules that you (and maybe your partner if you were bold enough to tell him) can live with. Sex is sex. Technically.

My gentlemen callers want poosie and that’s what they get.

Im in an open relationship; its like 'dont ask dont tell'. But it makes me love and APPRECIATE my partner more. Hot guys cease to be interesting once I've cum. Rarely do i want them to stick around. Most are nice guys, but some are horrible and I literally run back to my partner. These situations can strengthen a relationship. If u see sex and love as different things, sex becomes like getting a massage. Tell him u want head and you've fantasised about getting it elsewhere and that has u worried.

Part of the issue here is that the person sucking needs to be into it and want it. Nobody wants a blow job from someone who hates doing it. They want it from someone who can’t get enough of it.

Its cheating. But you can go ahead and cheat. Mllions upon millions do.

It's not cheating if you're using a gloryhole. After all, you can't help what someone happens to do with your cock from the other side...

R45 Oh please. I’ve had oral sex with thousands of guys. I can count on one hand (maybe two) the number that I had sex with more than once. That includes my husband of 20 years together, and we have a fantastic relationship. He can say the same.

Let everyone cultivate their own relationships in whatever way works for them.

R62,

[quote]R6 I'm a very horny person so I would not even date someone who hated giving oral.

Yes - I’m wondering how and why the couple ended up together if they’re sexually mismatched (?)

OP should drop the little priss off at a nunnery.

R63 Damn right!

I love to suck

[quote]But I often wondered why some of these guys' partners did not like them enough to blow them

[quote] I’m wondering how and why the couple ended up together if they’re sexually mismatched

Tell me you've never been in a long term relationship without telling you've never been in a long term relationship. I am imagining everyone who has been in an LTR 10/15/20 years or more eyes are rolling. Men are not biologically programmed to like the exact same person sexually for years and years. There would be a million people in the world now if that were the case. And anyone who is satisfied by that has the imagination and sex drive of a round worm. I do not care how fucking hot someone is or how perfect their dick is, I am not going to be turned on by it after 15 years.

It’s not cheating if he takes out his dentures.

I have a friend who was in a long-term relationship (10 years or so at the time of this anecdote). He was giving oral to his somewhat older partner one day and it was taking a LONG time, with no end in sight. Finally after 20 minutes or so the doorbell rang, and my friend said something that didn't please his BF. "THANK GOD!!"

ROFLMAO

(I think we've all been there, sometime or other).

So basically, r67, what you're saying is we're actually doing the wider world a favor if we cheat on our partners!

r67 100% accurate

[Quote] [R45] Oh please. I’ve had oral sex with thousands of guys.

What do you mean, “oh please,” when that was already one of the options I mentioned — huge numbers of random sex encounters?

If that works for you, fine. Of course there’s still more than a small chance your partner will find out.

There’s also more than a small chance you’ll get an std, get robbed or worse, etc., but that’s why I didn’t do it back in the day. If it works for you, more power to you.

But OP seems to want to find a side piece basically, not a series of one-off encounters. A side piece vastly increases the chances his partner will find out. Then what?

Threads like this make me wonder if I actually am gay.

R72 “Oh please” because you judgmentally dismissed my lifestyle as an “absolutely terrible idea”. I love my lifestyle.

You do you and I’ll do me.

Eatin' ain't cheatin'

I’d be annoyed AF if my hypothetical partner told me he wanted a blow job from someone else, however, I’d also proceed to give you a fantastic blow job.

That stated, I like giving oral, so that wouldn’t have been a problem for my hypothetical partner & me, anyhow.

I would love to know when in human history that the purity test for commitment became monogamy. Like when did the idea of sex with someone else become "cheating?" I love my husband more than anyone else in the world. He's a great cook and makes dinner every night. Is it cheating if I pick up a McDonalds hamburger for lunch? It doesn't even cross my mind that that would be cheating, eating food prepared by someone else. It's a patriarchal conditioning that we've been programmed into believing. And it's kind a weird that gay men (who have nothing to do with monogamy's original intent) buy into it so much. Again I think it's most people who have never experienced an LTR who desperately need constant proof that they're the one, that someone has picked them. After a long time, you know you're the one, without question and sometimes wish, when it comes to sex and their happiness, your partner would pick someone else from time to time. It does make a relationships stronger when there isn't that festering resentment. I can't actually imagine leaving someone I love just because they had sex with someone else.

I literally told my husband while he was still young and hot in his 40s, I don't care if you sleep with other people, please do. I don't want you to get to a point in life you regret not having done it when it was so easy for you.

Also for R72:

“Of course there’s still more than a small chance your partner will find out.”

Hahahahaha. We tell each other of our antics regularly. It’s quite hot actually to do so. Monogamy is not in our lifestyle. We are happy gay men, and we live that way.

It’s only cheating if he gets past the second sphincter!

I think it boils down to, If your parents were cheater trash, then you see that as normal because it’s what you grew up with.

If you were from a respectable family, then there was no (at least visible) indiscretions…. so that is your model.

Know your worth.

Homewreckers!

I think its quite the opposite R80. If your dad was a philanderer you probably hold near and dear "the sanctity of marriage." If you lived in family where cheating wasn't part of of your story, you got a model for true love and probably witnessed the myriad of ways that love can be expressed without clinging desperately to monogamy as its sole definition.

R82 Spot on.

Thank you.

All I know is I don't enjoy sex with guys who are cheating, open or whatever.

One of the last times I discovered too late that I was fucking a partnered guy, he told me he found out his husband was cheating because he was taking money from their retirement account to pay for hustlers. He said the loss of the money bothered him more than the cheating.

Most posts seem realistic but a few lonely prudes here, as usual. “I would never!” But your fantasy partner sure would.

R85 seek help

It’s like the gay cheaters have heard too many Streisand power ballads

I blocked R87, who has about 10 posts in this thread and only this thread (troll), but here's why sex with partnered guys is fraught.

They're only available on their schedule and terms. The schedule is limited by their primary relationship, children, as well as the usual stuff. You will only have sex when they are ready, never when you are.

They have play rules that were put into place when they became open, restricting activities, locations, etc. You don't know about these rules until you trip over one of them, they tell you, and your fun is diminished in the process.

Partnered people almost never want to host for sex. Home security cameras have put further restrictions on this.

You will probably be subjected to pillow talk about the primary relationship. Or conversely, your suck buddy will be unusually silent on all aspects of their life when they aren't blowing you.

You will be blamed if you get caught, even if you didn't know he was partnered, even if you were told they were open. Getting caught is a deeply unpleasant experience.

So-called progressive couples may have agreements to share details about you and your activities with the non-participating member. This is creepy. And you have no equivalent right to similar information on the couple. They probably have nothing to say since they're not having sex anyway.

Sometimes this open play is really an entree into trying to snag another guy for threesomes, etc. Typically you won't know this until the 3rd walks through the door in the middle of you having sex. Sometimes they are evaluating you beforehand through a crack in the door, a peephole, or via the monitor of a discreet nannycam. They think you're going to be turned on and interested, rather than the reality, which is that you will be surprised by the interruption, and annoyed at the deception.

I came upon these opinions through considerable experience.

It’s really not that complicated! Just be a whore! There are sex clubs, saunas, bookstores, glory holes, apps for quickies, sleazy bars and the list goes on and on. Couples can do these things together, hook up in three ways, etc. as well. I’ve seen my husband having sex with literally hundreds of different guys, and he has seen me. Sure we are getting older now so it’s not as wild and crazy as our younger days, but we still have fun.

I’m not signing a contract with someone to enter our relationship. I get that this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. But I’ll also say that most (successful) gay relationships I know in my life kinda work this way. We are now together 23 years, and we met in a sex club, so we were on the same page sexually speaking from day one. This has never been controversial in our lives. I feel very lucky.

Also… never had an STD :-)

r89 I hope things improve, sweetie. Bless your heart.

Thanks for letting us know who you've blocked, r89 - we are all very concerned.

Sucking is the very best thing