Things Old People Say

Turn the AC off, it’s cold.

"Get with a good company and stay with them till you retire."

"Hand me the clicker."

I'm sorting my pills for the week.

When my grandmother's soap operas came on, she'd say, "it's time to watch my stories."

You need to really pound the pavement and hand in your resume in person. You should call them as well and ask to speak to someone.

You should ask for a raise.

We never had sluts and hooers in my day!

Make sure they have a pension plan.

"Get on the horn and start talking to people."

Don’t you dare leav’ yo good gubmint job.

You’re a whore darling.

Let me pull out my checkbook to pay for these groceries.

I can look it up in the Yellow Pages

Oh, I need to log into Datalounge before my 8:30 bedtime.

“They’re nice people, and such good dancers, but they’re so damned lazy! I think ending slavery sucked all the work ethic out of them!

Don’t look at me like that! I have a Black friend! No, you’ve never met her, but I’ve known her for years!”

R14 Lawd, was your grandmuva one of the extras or similar to the bitches in The Deliverance?

Take off your coat and stay a while. Let's visit for a spell.

Black older women refer to soaps as the stories

"Don't be fresh" when I was talking back.

Oh, are those a new pair of Dungarees you're wearing?

I don’t drive at night.

Supper at 5!

You would think anyone would find a vagina more desirable than a man’s anus

You look snappy.

Find a man who makes the dough-ray-me!

You can’t reheat French toast.

Or for more provincial grannies,

Hurry up and eat chile before it get cold. It can’t be reheated, not even in oven.

Why are you always on your phone?

My grandfather grew up during a time with most people were still riding around in buggies pulled by horses. When they would pull up to someone's home the host would always say "get down and come in". My grandfather kept that tradition going until his death when people would drive up to their house in cars he'd come out and say "good to see you, get down and come on into the house".

Mothers Don’t Hate Their Sons!!!!

Let's go to the front room and visit on the davenport. (Which is covered in plastic.)

Mot of these are things today's old people heard old people say when hey were young.

any mention of Madonna.

Which one of you is the wife?

Did I turn the gas off?

How did your grandfather and I meet?

Well, he was married and my teacher, but it was love at first site. On our first date, he took me down to the soda fountain and then to the drive in, where we saw a double feature, The Blob and The Fly. I was so scared. Later, I repeatedly lost my virginity to him in the back of his '52 Bel Air while Waldo, the town perv, watched in the bushes.

"Put on some of that darkie music."

Allegra, play Black Jazz!

Common sense.

My grandmother was an old person of 96 when she died in 1981. She called automobiles “machines.”

My north of England grandma was always visiting relatives and friends, but would say 'I won't take my coat off. - I'm not stopping'.

Byrd, look it up on “the machine”.

Are you two going steady?

He's a bachelor.

r37 my grandmother died in 2016 at the age of 101. She used to call smartphones "gadgets"

R42 My mother was 77 when she died in 1998. She called CDs “those little shiny records” she’d put in the “record player” that was built into the radio in her Volvo’s dashboard.

Why you dumb bunny

Come in this house!!

Miz Lesh?

When Jackie Kennedy married Onassis, my old nonna said she was a "puttana". Does that count?

Go play outside.

I hope you’re getting paid overtime for all the extra hours you work!

That used to be a nice neighborhood until the blacks moved in. Now it's a hellhole.

The neighborhood “changed”.

The problem with the blacks...

Go get a good job at a good fax machine company.

[quote]Things Old People Say

Just wait.

I just finished playing my Janet Jackson record.

I put your lunch in the ICEBOX

My aunt called the CD player the Victrola and the icebox the Frigidaire.

I reckon! I declare!

I can't remember which pocketbook I put my car keys in.

Do any of you know any old people who aren't racist?

"(My name), the god-damned remote is broken again!"

"You know something? That (haircut, caftan, or Ozempic-induced weight loss) really makes you look sharp."

"Would you like some of my old bras? I think they might fit you."

Make America Great Again

I read it online and it wasn’t on Facebook.

The Spanish people need to learn English!

There’s no way some of the comments posted here are by old people currently still living. Op said old, not departed.

Reading is fundamental.

R66, my old racist, relatives used to say "I shouldn't be forced to learn another language in my own country!"

Tonight I'm going to the disco.

Locker room 👃

My 88 year old aunt about her gay grandson’s boyfriend: oh, they’ve been roommates for over twenty years now!

My 48-year-old son Jonathan hasn't gotten married yet. I guess he's just shy

Get me my whiskey and Chesterfields.

My grandmother wasn't a homophobe, she just didn't believe she knew any fairies.

Father O'Brian can't be gay. He's a priest!

Next you are going to tell me Liberace was gay!

These remotes have too many goddamned BUTTONS on them! I just want to watch TV and it won’t let me!!!

Although long dead, some relatives called their sofa a Chesterfield. Every other (great-)grandparent called it a Davenport or couch.

Why don’t you come by? I’ll play the zither and you can whistle.

Where did they get the sperm?

"You PAID for jeans with tears in them?"

Long dead great-aunt: "That Oriental lady on the news." (Connie Chung)

"Liberace wasn't gay. He was just flamboyant!"

“Fiddlesticks!”

[quote]Although long dead, some relatives called their sofa a Chesterfield.

Chesterfield is still somewhat common in Canada.

Filling Station for Gas Station

Sweeper for Vacuum Cleaner

Wop Burger for Hoagie Sandwich

Pavement ("Payment") for Sidewalk

I vote in every election.

"He/she is such a pill!" = asshole!

"Well, isn't this nice."

Oh fudge!

Referring to movies as pictures.

Roll down the window.

Sit on the davenport.

icebox instead of refrigerator

Why are there so many different words for couch

They go out of their way to call a man they know is gay, sir, especially in public settings.

R38 I know old people are notorious for going somewhere and not taking they coat off and proudly exclaiming so. Yet staying for an hour or two. Aite get you old ass on now bitch, you claim you don’t like to drive at night. Or worse when you’ve drove them somewhere.

Homosexual, especially to go out of their way to not offend.

He's gone BANANAS.

Anything that costs more than $5, "Highway Robbery!"

“You heard that Louise’s daughter has” *lowers voice to a whisper* ”… cancer!”

I didn’t protest and march for these thugs to drive around with that music blaring.

[quote] Homosexual, especially to go out of their way to not offend.

The different pronunciations / accents were fun to notice. From "hamah-seck- shull" to "hoe-moe- secks-syew-ill"

[quote]The different pronunciations / accents were fun to notice. From "hamah-seck- shull" to "hoe-moe- secks-syew-ill"

We make it really easy in Boston and just call them FAGS.

Old people also don't mind the "drop in." When I was a little kid I remember people showing up at my Grandparents' house without a call or anything all the time.

And if I had a million dollars

If I had a million dollars

I'd buy you furniture for your house

Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman

And if I had a million dollars

If I had a million dollars

Well, I'd buy you a K-Car

A nice reliant automobile

And if I had a million dollars

I'd buy your love

This is the first time I’ve ever been to something like that.

R103, my grandmother would show up at our house unannounced and wouldn't even knock. She'd just open the door and shout "Knock-knock!"

My grandfather was a cardiologist & a farmer. He always referred to an injection with a hypodermic needle as a "puncture". My mother always called it that, and yes, I have always referred to the same way.

Old people cannot leave a room without turning all the lights out, even the kitchen when we’re going to be back in there in five minutes. Because of the depression? World War 2? I never figured it out, and this was at our house so the light bill wasn’t the issue.

QE2 did the same thing, R108. Not only that, it was a 40 watt bulb in a huge palace room she was turning off.

I live alone, so I turn off the lights when I leave a room. Even when I know I'll be back in a few minutes. If no one is there to see the light, why leave it on?

It's a good habit to have.

Saaaaay! I oughtta POUND you!

You missed the point, not everyone lives alone, R110. And I’m talking about a family house with six people in it.

[quote] These remotes have too many goddamned BUTTONS on them! I just want to watch TV and it won’t let me!!!

Fuck, I say that and I'm 53. Or it doesn't have ENOUGH buttons on it -- looking at you, stupid Apple remote.

In front of everyone as I leave the bathroom, "Do you have your period? I think I still have some tampons here somewhere."

Why didn't that nice Richard Chamberlain ever find the right girl?

"Aren't you having any dinner with us?" at 4:45.

You're getting pudgy.

You light turner offers should do what I did. Invest in automatic motion detector light switches. I paid about $8 each for light switches that turn on as soon as I enter a room (as long as the natural ambient lighting is low enough), and turn off 20 seconds after I leave the room.

Oh, you're such a card!

You’re gonna get Slapped

You need to be careful. You don't want to catch a social disease.

I’m so old, I’m more liberal than my FAT daughter.

They obsess on everyone’s HAIR. Hairstyles.

You're the cat's meow; truly the bee's knees.

“Looks like more rain in Seattle tomorrow. Good thing we live in Phoenix!”

[quote]Old people cannot leave a room without turning all the lights out, even the kitchen when we’re going to be back in there in five minutes. Because of the depression? World War 2? I never figured it out, and this was at our house so the light bill wasn’t the issue.

I remember growing up during the energy crisis when my parents wouldn't turn on the heat & tried to heat our house with a wood stove (it didn't work). So I'm very mindful about turning off lights when I'm not in the room. It's a small thing, but it just seems wasteful

Generational conflict usually happens when the generations don't talk with each other. What remains then is just the perpetuation of stereotypes about the other generation. Here is a link that explains (a bit too briefly) how to improve things, if people actually want to improve the relationships.

R127: God help us. Here’s one more reason HR is considered a joke.

Seven steps to resolving a problem you haven’t defined and each step must start with the letter “A.”

Generations need to slap

Any “bad” illness gets whispered. She’s got *whisper* cancer. This is my favorite one, She’s having *whisper* female trouble. It wasn’t until I was a teen that I learned what female trouble meant. I guess it could have meant lesbian drama, but Grandma would have said about anything gay related *whisper* they go with each other or they’re that way.

[quote] I live alone, so I turn off the lights when I leave a room. Even when I know I'll be back in a few minutes. If no one is there to see the light, why leave it on?

I've read that it actually takes more juice to reactivate the light than to leave it on. Anyone else ever heard this?

I have the sugars.

It's colder than a witches tit.

I'm dying.

Anyone born after 1975 is not functioning right and doesn't have the sense to know it.

Oh, Rosemary? She was sent to a special camp in Vermont for the mentally retarded.

my grandmother to my sister: Diane you had better put a kerchief on, it windy out and might rain. My put one in and started to dance around the kitchen and we all were laughing hysterically. My gram was serious at first, but then realized no one wears kerchiefs anymore.

[quote]In front of everyone as I leave the bathroom, "Do you have your period? I think I still have some tampons here somewhere."

Especially embarrassing since you're a 60-year-old man.

Really, has anyone actually heard what R124 said outside of old movies?

r114 was your aunt Jessica Walter in The Slums of Beverly Hills?

lol R138.

46 year old woman.

R140, No but she could be. She has dementia now and she will come live with me. I can't wait to hear the things she's going to say. She's still very lucid and naughty though.

Btw, I’m 69 years old and remembering shit my grandparents said in 1965.

"Well, bless your heart". Said either after someone says or does something very stupid, or when someone reveals an embarrassing thing that happened to them.

I was born in the American Middle West in 1930's and raised by my grandparents, who were born in England the 1880's.

You need a good Jew lawyer.

Slacks.

Can you believe she wore that long stringy hair to the funeral?

I can never use these debit card machines. They're all so different! And why do they make the screen so tiny?

Eleanor Roosevelt was a rug muncher

"Mah pussay does not ever stink."

Do you still see the girl with that exotic name?

Saaay! What's the big idea??

Watch your language, we're in mixed company.

Do you have a fella?/Are you running around with anyone?

The two of them look like Mutt and Jeff.

What my greatest generation Dad said, anxiously, when mom invited the new neighbors over, an out gay couple (1978).

"Is this what they call a lifestyle?"

My friend's mom, born 1926 giving career advice to her daughter... "just get under a good man and work your way up".

Slacks isn’t said anymore?

R139 my Dad had an antique store called the cat’s meow back in the 70’s.

"Eenie, meanie, miney mo, catch a" - I'm going to stop you right there Grandma. That's NOT how it goes anymore!

Even at 6, I was appalled.

It's TIGER.

My buddy, Mr. Green Gene, always had the best stash on campus. We'd do a couple joints, take quaaludes, and head over to the field where the hippie girls were doing naked yoga.

Yeah, Frick and Frack over here!

My elderly Jewish great grandmother didn't like Barbra Streisand. "Too Jewish," she said.

"What's this bippity boppity music you're listening to these days?"

I had an uncle who was born in 1922. I recall him referring to someone (in the 1970s) as being "all hopped up on that wacky-tabacky!"

Hot diggity dog!

In response to a factual statement, 'yeah, I don't know about that'.

I got soft banned from DL.

"Why, the very idea........" Joseph R Biden

"Everything's computer!" Sad, pathetic current White House squatter...

R166 That's malarkey, Jack!

No more Malarkey!

She's built like a brick shithouse. (highest compliment my great-aunt could pay a woman.)

R17 Every good thing I am today is because I watched stories with our black housekeeper. I can still hear her say, "My afternoon story be coming on at 3." Meaning don't mess with me, the house, or make any trouble. She would iron, and I would ask a million questions. She never minded and had an encyclopedic memory of every character and plot twist. Morning story was The Guiding Light. Afternoons it was Edge of Night.

When negotiating: “Make sure you Jew them down”.

Jew York City

Dungarees (instead of jeans)

Clam diggers (instead of capris)

My mom calls CDs “tapes”.

R174 my aunt the same. Doesn’t matter if it’s a CD, a DVD, a VHS, a Blu-Ray, streaming, etc — it’s all a tape.

R175 I bet things get very confusing around Christmas.

When something was going wrong or turning out badly my dad (1933 - 2022) would loudly declaim "Well, THIS is a total abortion!"

Whenever I made a "wisecrack" my grandpa (1912 - 2003) would say "You're funny; but looks aren't everything."

A great-uncle once asked me if I was "courting." He was nice and meant well - so I didn't reply, "No. I don't live in a Jane Austen novel, and I'm queer."

You’re a real stinker!

“Go peddle your papers” was the soft way of saying “Get the fuck out of here”

"There's a storm coming, we have to go to the basement and pray. God is angry."

My mother: SHIT!

Go play in traffic!

"I'm not made of money!"

I don't know if people still say that but my late father did. He would be 94 today.

My great aunt would say, “You’re so curious!” meaning that someone was particular or odd. Never heard anyone else use the word curious like that.

Stop repeating yourself- You sound like a broken phonograph record.

My father used to say this to me.

"Say, I'm working this side of the street!"

My grandmother called all refrigerators

Frigidaires

R146 is Archie Bunker

Not scared to fat shame

It's midnight. Wordle is up.

Proper undergarments are a necessity. They make or break the look of your clothes.

If I had a nose like Florine's I wouldn't be going around wishing anyone a merry Christmas.

“ that girl has muscles!”

The New Deal saved this country.

Fur coat and no knickers (rich, stupid, slept her way up, a tart)

Mutton dressed as lamb (old slag trying too hard, a tart)

As long as you have a book, there's no reason to watch TV.

Why don’t you go sit in the frunchroom?

"Do you still have that Farrah Fawcett poster on your bedroom wall?"

I forgot my hearing aids.

“Nice pins” = great legs

“Shattered” = blind drunk

“A night on the tiles” = a night out: dinner, drinking, and dancing, the tiles being the dance floor

“His elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top” = not very bright

When I don't want to answer a question I say "I don't remember, I'm old."

R197, are you the one who starts all of those British threads nobody cares about?

I'm on a FIXED INCOME!!!!!!

Many of you bitches deserve a time-out, "for wasting bandwidth."

Calling their soap operas their "stories".

Your eyes look like two piss holes in a snow bank. (A family friend, from New England, said this.)

He's a confirmed bachelor.

Bedfast; and old fashioned term for "bedridden."

Her daughter got with a Black fella, you know, so her baby came out a little beige. And I said "Hey, whaddya know!"

There's so much of that these days. "Mullatta," it's supposed to be called.

Regarding marijuana, I always called it "pot". I didn't realize the term is outdated - it's called "weed".

"How does she like her coffee?"

Stong and black.

No one was allowed to interrupt my great aunt Clara, during her story (soap operas.) I think it was "Search for Tomorrow" which began at 1pm. We were NEVER allowed to call her at that time.

Things your racist, homophobic elderly relatives said 30 years ago.

R215 Exactly.

And, considering this is DL, I'm sure at least half the people on here are over 60...so it really should be "things WE old people like to say".

Here, I'll do one now for "Things Old People NOW Say, Especially on DL"

"Well, I'm barely 60, but I easily pass for early 40s!"

Knee high to a grasshopper

Gee another thread making fun of the old. Isn’t it fun to dehumanize people? It’s American as apple pie and of course part of MAGA culture. Trump does it every day!

Should I take an Aleve for my back or just tough it out with a couple of aspirin?

Where did this damn cough come from? Is it connected to the poor air quality we've been having?

[quote]Regarding marijuana, I always called it "pot". I didn't realize the term is outdated - it's called "weed".

Me too, and it's very confusing when reading British books where they refer to "pot plants" ... which I eventually figured out meant what we call POTTED plants, not (necessarily) marijuana.

"Were you ever bedridden?"

"Twice. And once in a buggy."

Thank God, it's not Covid.

My lumbago is acting up.

Go get me some Poli-grip and Juicy Fruit.

I need some Geritol.

Of course we're still making fun of the elderly. It's a universal pastime!

It’s on the QT

I’ve been using QT for years

R229 Me too! They have great gas and clean stores!

"Wouldn't it be great to live in Florida full-time?"

For the life of me, I don't understand the strangle-hold that state has on retirees. Flat, humid AF, hot, terrible drivers, hurricanes, bugs, alligators - how in the world did this place define paradise?

R231 It’s warm. That’s it. The other warm places are worse.

"Everything was a lot cheaper back in the olden days. I bought my house for a nickel!"

I'm a senior citizen. My parents bought their first house in 1947 for $9 thousand. It's worth well over a hundred times that now.

R234 LIAR! They bought it for a nickel!

Gimme a rubber band sandwich and make it snappy.

Mail them your resume and make sure to include a nice note.

I’ve been to ten county fairs and halfway around the word on a battleship. I know what I’m talking about, dammit.

The civil rights movement is a battle for America's soul. We have an obligation to support it, said my father in 1964.

Not everyone was a bigot or asshole.

R219 I think most of the responses are warm hearted.

Language changes over time. It isn’t good or bad, it just is and it is a universal human experience.

Personally, this type of thread brings back memories of my beloved grandparents, kind thoughts of my parents and amusing thoughts of all of the old timey words and phrases I’ve carried over from my own childhood.

Most of the responses on here are cliches from 50+ years ago which indicates the people making them are they themselves on the old side.

It's almost as ludicrous as how TV and film used to portray old people on TV with old women ALWAYS wearing lacy collars with a cameo brooch. And, hat and gloves for church even though that pretty much died out in the 60s (except maybe for Easter...and of course black churches still dress up.) Or, always wearing long sleeves and sweater...even in Miami!!!

Old ladies in Florida mostly wear sleeveless tops...because it's in the sub tropics!!!!

r241 some of these things are words/phrases my elderly relatives said in the 1990s.

"Act like a lady and you will be treated like a lady. "

R240, R219 is a delicate creature new to the Datalounge.

R235 FOR A NICKEL, I WILL!!!!!

Calling pants "slacks" or "trousers" or "dungarees."

After a nice meal, my grandma would say, “That was some kind of good.”

I left my Walkman on the kitchen table and she wouldn’t pick it up to move it. She called it “that thing.” She also called the fridge an icebox, the toilet the commode and she gave biblical names to the neighborhood cats.

My other grandmother, who went for the Italian Elizabeth Taylor vibe, used to make fun of the woman down the street. “She doesn’t go out that much. You know, I wouldn’t go out much either if I were that homely.”

Are you plugged in? (Asking if I was using the Walkman)

r246 I think "trousers" is the default term in the UK. "Pants" means underwear there.

A word that I can’t stand: supper

Cattywampus

Time for din-din.

When my grandfather would see a topless woman in a movie he would say "she has nice lumps on her back."

R241 - One of the ironies of life is that you yourself often forget just how old you are. When she was in her early 60s (the age I am now), I remember my mother telling me "Half the time I still think I'm 34, with little kids in school." She's now almost 90 still sharp, and completely independent - much of that is very good genes, but not letting your age define you mentally is important too.

R254 - my mother said the very same thing. "I feel like a person in my 30s, until I look in the mirror"

It's weird being the same age as old people.

My mother once said she feels like a hippo that escaped from the zoo and then took a nap on a gravel driveway.

When my grandmother's hair got messed up from being outside on a windy day she'd say "I look like a wild woman of Borneo."

R256 THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD!!!

R257 Is your mother really that fat?

"Are you sure there isn't a window open somewhere? I can still feel a draft."

“I think I smell a wood burning fire”

My mother every time my b-i-l lit a joint somewhere (outside if she was inside, inside if she was outside, in the garage when she was in the house, etc) he thought she wouldn’t notice the smoke. She always did.

Things to say to old people.

“If you millennials wouldn’t eat so much avocado toast, you’d be able to buy a house.”

I'm turning off the television. It's dinnertime.

"I don't approve of this Martin Luther COON Day"

What?

Huh?

What did you say?

Stop mumbling!

This looks bomb dot com.

She's pretty for a colored girl.

"You should add some Javelle water to the washer to keep your whites from looking dingy."

“Working hard or hardly working?”

"Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot."

"I can remember {whatever} used to cost {$____}!"

"You actually like you're the king, and we're the sorry people!"

Fuck AUTOCORRECT!!

Try that again:

"You act like you're the king, and we're the sorry people."

Don't go out without your rubbers!

Snooze you lose!

How can you sleep until noon? You’re as lazy as the days are long.

my elderly aunts: "does he sit down to pee too?"

What’s the backstory behind that question, R279?

Slap my face and call my ass a communist

You sure don't hear anyone complaining about their piles these days.

R280 Sex roles: men stood to pee and sat to shit. To sit to pee was not masculine and in the example, an imputation of homosexuality.

"This food is too spicy."

Slacks.

His tattoos spoil it for me.

Only fairies wear their hair long

I was on the phone with the widow of an old friend a few days ago. I order her groceries for delivery as she's unable to use her PC well due to a stroke. After we'd finished her grocery order the subject got off on medications we take. We spent the next 15 minutes going over all our daily medications. I finally said "do you realize how damn old we sound?". She said "well, we are old". LOL

Phone rings.

Old person picks up: Hi. Hold on a sec. Let me turn down the radio.

R186, I still use curious like that. (Also, of course, the other way too.)

Shut the door! You'll catch your death of a cold!

[quote]Hold on a sec. Let me turn down the radio.

On the plus side, you didn't say 'wireless.'

My dad called it the "hi fi."

“Don’t go out with your hair wet! You’ll catch peumonia!”

The wringer on my worsher broke.

[quote]My dad called it the "hi fi."

Calling it the hi-fi years after anyone else used that term was a step up for my father. He previously called it "the Victrola."

"My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist - But he is NOT a porn star!"

Slacks deserves another mention.

Put on your snazzy duds! I'm taking you somewhere nice!

I see you’re wearing those old clodhoppers.

Music today is too loud.

Do you have any of those Karen Carpenter CDs?

Love your Safari jacket and shorts!!!!!!!

Making the Sign of the Cross whilst intoning: “Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, and Watch.”

Also from my Uncle Pete, a very big man with a very big appetite who’d push himself back from the table after a huge holiday meal and say, “That’ll hold me until I get to a diner.” I couldn’t figure out how he got behind the wheel of his car and steered (there were no tilt steering wheels then) because was so fat.

Said by old me many times of late.

"That's not music, that's noise".

"That's not music, that's n----r noise."

"You'll never have to regret an unspoken word."

I do think there are exceptions to that if, in hindsight, you could have, but didn't, say something kind and nice to someone.

"Gracious sakes alive!" - Said whenever bad news was shared

"You caught a cold because you weren't wearing an undershirt." You could NOT convince my mother that colds came from germs. It was either the missing undershirt or you went outside with your hair wet.

"I grew up on a farm and I know where babies come from. I won't have my cat (female) fixed. She goes outside but I keep an eye on her." The cat my grandmother was 'watching' was a whore, darlin. She'd routinely have a ittter of 8 or 9 kittens that my grandmother would take care of.

Old southern women say "well I swan" to express surprise at something they've heard.

Genteel old Southern ladies say "I swan" instead of "I swear."

Wear a condom.

A closed mouth catches no flies

I just set my hair...

“He wouldn’t tell you if your hair was on fire.”

There’s another version, but this was the way my Dad said it.

Wear a RUBBER

Toss it in the ash can.

You get mores flies with honey than vinegar.

Better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're dumb, than to open it and prove it to them.

Better to be last and right than first and wrong.

I just about jumped off my carpet!

Banjoes, please!!!!

I wouldn’t fart in his direction!

My girdle is killing me

"I look like the inside of a goat's stomach"

- Me but stealing a line from Carol Burnett portraying Starlett O'Hara in their spoof of Gone With The Wind

Take the Town Car to the chemist’s and get me some Tucks pads and a styptic pencil.

Why do people want to eat my excrement?

She has a pretty face. (Meaning she's fat.)

She has a great personality. (Meaning she's ugly and dull.)

She looks like 9 miles of bad road.

She's ugly as a mud fence.

He’s very distinguished (meaning he’s an old fug)

My clutch is going out.

I can’t eat corn on the cob

Mom: "Back in my day, teenagers respected their parents."

Me at 15: "Well not me so fuck off bitch!"

Where the hell are my teeth!!

"Everything hurts."

"Get out of my way! I gotta get home to see what's a'happen' on the old Data Lounge! I bet those cunts are bitching about somethin' good like Vivian Vance or Cheryl's stinky cunt!"

Good God, her breath would blister a brick.

Damn, his breath would make an onion cry,

He's got a face like the north end of a south bound mule.

That child is so nasty he'd gag a maggot on a gut truck.

A homely woman was "uglier than a dog's ass."

Another one I just remembered that my grandfather would say - when we were out somewhere and he saw a homely woman he'd say "looks like the kennel club's in town."

It's raining cats and dogs outside.

I'm dating Martin Short

I can smell your nappy pussy.

I'm hungry enough to eat the ass end out of a rag doll.

I enjoy scrolling on the DataLounge.

Hand me the Thomas Guide.

Where are my legwarmers?

Hand me the Sears and Roebuck catalog

He thinks his shit don't smell

Hand me the TV GUIDE so I can see what's on tonight!

Are you using protection?

Did you tape the news?

An old whore was nothing but a former young whore.

In my day, we voted for pedophiles to get lower taxes. Yeah, it’s called personal responsibility. That’s what you do when you love your country.

E-I-E-I-O

R337, is that no longer said? I’ve been known to say it on occasion.

Well I’m 69. Here goes.

“Don’t bogart that joint”

“More money than brains”

“I’m going to the can(restroom)”

“And don’t call me Shirley”

“Stay Woke brother and don’t let the Man get you”

“I’m on my way to the pad to get high and righteous”

“Can you dig it I knew that you could”

“Hey space cadet do me a solid” “why don’t cha”

“Catch me on the flip” “Dude what a bummer”

I still say this shit.😎

I saw it on Datalounge.

I ordered it from Lillian Vernon!

R353 I can dig what you are laying down.

Suicide.

I never believed to stop believing. I bristled a bit about the fucking Lord's Prayer in school, my sister-in-law agreed and explained that she was an atheist. Later, by age 10 or 11 I had seen a TV interview with Madalyn Murray O'Hair and for a few years was a bit uppity about being an atheist and speaking out against anything that forced a religious perspective upon things.

My father almost certainly never saw the interior of a church unless it was a wedding. My mother's family had helped finance Methodism in the U.S. in the18thC, but she was on again and off again about church services. It was a place to trot out some new clothes or make herself useful by ferrying various old women about, purely a social thing. When I told my parents I was an atheist I had to attend one church service. My father and I sat and ate one or maybe two rolls of Lifesaver candies and giggled and fidgeted, then my father made blasphemous and funny various churchisms on the drive home and we never talked about it again.

I dropped my very mild case of atheist activism soon enough. In college, away from a hick town, religion is usually something that people are from, and which many have parted ways. After that I never met very many religious sorts. Ex-priests in plenitude, yes, actively religious people, no.

Zealots think that not believing is something difficult, but it's the easiest thing in the world. It's like not believing that you were reincarnated of a refrigerator in another life. It doesn't take much time out of the day.

This:

R358 = Things Old People Say in the wrong thread.

"Why can't we say Oriental anymore?"

I paid off my student loan in ten years. It meant having a roommate and taking no vacations and having a second job but I did it.

Your fucking student loan was $10,000. You can fuck right off to hell in a handbasket.

Better still, you could still lose them in a bankruptcy proceeding back then.

Pay it off in zero years.

It was 80,000. Please do to yourself what you just advised me to do

I paid off my loan in 1996--not dischargeable in bankruptcy. Keep making excuses.

Only $80,000?

It was enough for me.

[quote]It meant having a roommate and taking no vacations and having a second job but I did it.

No thank you, I prefer to live like a white person.

Good example of a racist statement by an old person.

[quote]Things old people said

I've got a catch in my get-along.

Those Spanish people just want free everything!

And every day I eat a plum.

"Would you like a piece of hard candy?"

R358, you’re confused

R374 The strawberry ones with the filling

Old ladies call soap operas "my stories"

FOUR prunes, Mildred?

R377, has been mentioned over and over in this thread.

“That fine-lookin’ mullatah woman with the nice teeth”

An older friend describing (because he couldn’t remember her name) Miss Warwick.

Mine cunny stinketh.

"That's mighty white of you."

I'm free, white, and twenty-one.

I remember when .........

[quote]FOUR prunes, Mildred?

The trouble with prunes is, you never know how many to serve. Are three enough? Are six too many?

I had an uncle by marriage who served time in prison for desertion during WW2. This made it hard for him to find a job but he did and worked his entire life for the same man. He became an alcoholic and his boss stood by him while he was recovery and supported his sobriety. Though he always spoke of him with gratitude and affection, I never heard him call this man by name. He always called him 'the Jew'.

"Back in my day, there were only 13 US states."

I'll take ten gallons of regular please.

This thread sucks!

I drove all the way here with my brights on (high beams)

I have to check the machine (voice mail)

Everything below 14th Street is “the Village” (Greenwich Village, which it’s not)

Do you give Green Stamps?

When a woman was upset she had her "tit in wringer".

"tit in A wringer"

We're pissing on ice now!

We're in clover now!

You're gonna be fartin' through silk!

We're riding high on the hog this year!

R389 "Back in my day, wives never sucked their husbands' dicks so I had to suck my own dick."

"Fill her up with Ethyl, please!"

When they order something they say, “Give me.”

“Give me 5 Big Macs and a large fry.”

R131 - "takes more juice to reactivate the light" ... That's true for fluorescent lights, not so much for incandescent, and not true at all for LEDs.

"I think I may be coming down with the grippe."

Ass up, kid.

Regular or unleaded?

You should get a job with the Post Office!

Think about the job security and the benefits!

"You should have at least three servings of red meat every day."

"During the summer of 1895, I showed my ankles to the handsome young man I was dating. One thing led to another and we had wild sex with our clothes on. That's how your grandmother was born."

R402 I actually had that said to me by Grandma and my aunts.

They didn't understand why anyone would go to college, though I also think it was partly, "well, we're working class folks and college is above our station"

Of course, they all had 8th grade educations.