Let’s Be a July 4th Datalounge Party

I’m one of the 25 pool boys Muriel hired. Do they really need this many of us?

I’m the real fireworks when an argument breaks out over whether or not Glenn Close deserved an Academy Award for The Wife.

I'm the catty remarks: "Oh, you brought potato soup?"

"... It's potato salad"

I’m the tipsy dramatic reading of The Declaration of Independence — but rewritten as a Barbara Stanwyck monologue. My wig was snatched.

I'm the drunken whore screaming "NEELY O'HARA!" into the darkness.

I'm Lindsey Graham, trying to impress everyone with my patriotic monologs

I'm the sparklers. I create a romantic mood during the twilight hours between gay couples.

I'm Tuc Watkins in a patriotic speedo.

I'm the mosquitoes.

I’m the vintage Abercrombie cargo shorts on a 53-year-old who insists he still “gets carded.”

[quote] the vintage Abercrombie cargo shorts on a 53-year-old who insists he still “gets carded.”

Of course they do. Cashiers are instructed to ask if a customer qualifies for the senior discount.

[quote] I’m one of the 25 pool boys Muriel hired.

And of those 25, I hope none are near 25 years old. They would be far too old.

Can we persuade Dixie Whetworth's poolboy to do his dance?

I’m the throw pillows.

I'm the iconic photo of Liberace in red, white, and blue hot pants.

Don't give Clay Aiken any ideas r15.

I’m the Red,White, and Blue fruit salad.

Here he is, Brian Callen...

I’m the bottle of booze drunkenly poured into the pool, with a slurred[italic], “THIS’LL disinfect it!”[/italic]

No one laughs, and our host is pissed.

I'm not going.

I’m the vintage patio furniture from Mother’s. I reek of Salem Lights, Elizabeth Taylor White Diamonds and cat piss.

I'm drunk macho Pete Hegseth teeing up a cherry bomb between my teeth. Go ahead, light it!

We’re the kaftan queens doing our “best” Parker Posey in White Lotus impressions… incessantly

If only r22

I'm the queen who always shows up with a carton of LaCroix seltzer and announces "LaCroix, sweetie, LaCroix!" while the few attendees under 40 look baffled.

I’m not going.

I’m the fat womon on garbage duty

I'm the Log Cabin Republican wondering why no one will speak to me.

I’m Tyler’s announcement that the calico beans will be repeating

I’m the elder gays in the hot tub making jokes about “fruit soup”.

I'm Susan Dey stressing about all the recent deaths. I'm too drunk to even come up with my condolences.

I'm the anal leakage the next day because half the guests are on the weekly shot and they overate and now they're all shitting up a storm.

I am the umpteenth person to do a Jennifer Coolidge impersonation about the fourth of July. I think I am spontaneous and hilarious and you naysayers are bitter fucking cunts and just jealous you didn't think of it.

I'm the three-legged calico cat charming the sympathetic party hordes cuddling me and giving me little kisses.

I have toxoplasmosis.

But so do my admirers.

^ gross.

Why I Won’t Attend a a July 4th Datalounge Party

I'm the rescue dogs, hiding from the fireworks

I’m the Birkenstocks on socked feet.

I’m the untouched nutloaf, brought by cane faced neighbor Ceecee (aka August)

[quote] I'm the rescue dogs, hiding from the fireworks

Are they rescue dogs?

I’m the mannequins of Cher, Elizabeth Taylor, Barbra, Judy, and Joan Crawford that one queen has.

I’m Chuck singing the National Anthem. I’ll be incredibly hurt afterwards when people compliment me on my Roseanne impression when it’s actually how I sing.

I’m the empty bowl that contained Greg’s Delicious Salad made with toasted garlic chips. I’m was hit of the party!

I'm the 24 hours of puking and shitting because Greg forgot to wash his hands after eating some little whore's dirty ass right before he made his Shitty Salad.

I’m the white belt over blue trousers worn by Aaron Schock.

Why did you thirsty faggots invite him yet again?

Wwwwwhite Belt Man? Oh no. Hide me from that ugly old racist.

I’m the American Flag shortcake whose recipe you got off the Cool Whip tub in 1996 and have been making every year since.

I'm the party's hot topic - how to make effective "Wicked" costumes for Halloween.

A few queens raise their eyebrows - couln't these have been done last year?

A nasty fight breaks out, with one side saying the movie didn't come out till November, while others say the trailers and ads were out long before then, so anyone interested could have made "Wicked" costumes inspired by those.

R49 Which segues into an argument about which Glinda dress is better, the pink one or the blue one from the upcoming film.

i’m the cak with red, white, and blue frosting.

Jody drunkenly sneers at his actor ex Tony, “Didn’t you audition to play one of the flying monkeys?”

Admittedly, Tony IS on the short side.

I'm the Theatre Queens, sassing each other and slap-fighting over Audra in GYPSY.

I don't know why that fat womon on garbage detail even bothers to volunteer, she disappeared again and I can't find her.

Fat bitch.

I'm bring Mama's Flag Cake to the gathering and we have to eat it fast before the whipped cream curdles and the custard filling gets sour.

Last year Cole puked all over it because he drank too much beer .

i'm the endless bottles of rosé as drunk by the party goers I witnessed yesterday

I’m Jackie on Assistance. I brought some Chivas to the party. I just need to fish the bottle out of the green garbage bag in my shopping cart.

I'm the separate lesbian table. There is a sign saying NO CILANTRO propped up in the middle. There is a strong smell of patchouli, even above the odor of the burning citronella sticks ElderLez brought. There is already a suspicious compost pile, and a big urn to park your cane.

No one is laughing.