Attention. Attention. This is Miss Schuster. Please listen very carefully.

*

White Couple Arrives in The Bronx, Declares It “Just Like Bushwick But With More Flavor”

By Kayo.9k, Reels War Correspondent

BURNSIDE AVENUE, THE BRONX — The Bronx community was briefly paralyzed this morning after an unprecedented cultural phenomenon struck the Burnside Avenue 4 train station: a white couple in coordinated Lululemon outfits emerged from the subway, took a selfie, and declared the neighborhood “a vibe.”

Witnesses say the pair, identified only as Chadley and Ashleigh, appeared suddenly near the subway exit, materializing from the downtown-bound 4 train as if summoned by a Yelp listicle titled “Top 5 Authentic Spots You’re Totally Allowed to Visit.”

“We thought they were lost at first,” said longtime resident Rafael Jimenez. “But then the guy pulled out his phone and said, ‘No babe, it’s all part of the route—it’s on the mural walk!’ That’s when I knew we were in trouble.”

Ashleigh, clad in color-coordinated bike shorts and neon sneakers, reportedly turned in a slow 360° and whispered, “This is real New York,” before posing in front of a graffitied bodega shutter. Meanwhile, Chadley—who brought his own cold brew from Brooklyn—attempted to scan a QR code he believed would summon a taco truck. It was actually the MTA’s delayed service alert.

“This place has energy,” Chadley said, after asking a local where he could find “the best-kept secret cortado.” “I feel safe, but, like, in a sexy way.”

Reports indicate the couple was last seen jogging exactly two blocks before realizing Burnside Avenue has hills. They paused to post an Instagram story captioned “The Bronx is so raw 🧃🧩✨” while standing directly in front of a construction barrier.

In an unrelated incident, a local teenager was spotted Googling “price of brownstone in Fort Greene” and muttering “We’re next.”

Community leaders have scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss defensive countermeasures, including replacing the subway signs with ones that read “Queens Zoo – This Way” and installing a fake Trader Joe’s to trap and contain future arrivals.

At press time, Chadley was overheard saying, “I can totally see us opening a kombucha taproom here, but like… for the community, y’know?”