Let's be Patti LuPone... This is Your Life

I'm Kevin Kline, heaving the biggest sigh of relief known to man.

I'm the annoying pedestrians of New York, who have no business holding up Patti from getting to work. She is a busy person!

I'm the 10 year-old with terminal brain cancer who finally got to live out his dying wish of riding a Zamboni at a Rangers game.

I'm surprise guest Glenn Close.

I'm Patti's sad, tacky drinking basement, the one that looks like a Hard Rock Cafe died in it.

I'm the bullhorn.

I'm the occult-driven cities of Minneapolis and Saint Paul, determined to hex Patti's reviews for playing Rosalind at the Guthrie.

I’m Andrew Lloyd Webber, surprise guest number 2.

Fuck you, OP. I know you're my fan, but FUCK YOU for looking at me and even attempting to understand my genius!

I'm Corky.

I'm Audra McDonald, declining the invite

I’m her understudy having to get up at 4 am to promote Company on GMA because A FUCKING LEGEND DOES *NOT* DO MORNINGS!

I'm the audience member taking pictures on their phone.

I’m Aubrey Plaza. Because this monster was nice to me on the set of a television show we did together I will become her oddest sycophant yet.

I'm Bill Smitrovich, wishing "Life Goes On" gets canceled tomorrow.

I'm Madonna, here to field any questions on what it's like to have Stephen Sondheim write songs specifically for you.

I’m her bizarre idea to make Mrs. Lovett “sexy” because I’m not like the other girls. I think outside the box and that’s what makes me a fucking legend.

I’m the unfunny DL thread.

I'm Chris Burke, even I think Patti's a cunt and I'm retarded!

I’m r18’s but. I hurt. I hurt badly!

Oh please, R18, I'm Patti's biggest defender and even I find this funny.

I'm Kellie Martin. The verbal abuse I got from Noah Wyle on the ER set was a fucking cakewalk compared to when I worked with this cunt. Fuck you Patti.

I'm Dave, the cocaine dealer who supplied Patti during the recording of "Patti LuPone at Les Mouches."

I was able to retire very early.

I'm Betty Buckley, NOT getting involved with this shit.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, a travesty of a leading lady…Sherie Rene Scott!