Gay Men Over 50 - At What Age Did You Become Invisible And How Did You Respond?

Young people aren’t interested in people 30-40+ years older than them. That’s just how life goes.

I'm 63, living in Los Angeles and I don't feel I am invisible. It's more of what is age appropriate. A 20 year old isn't looking at me but a 40s,50s and up is. I have no interest in someone younger so I am good.

Around my early forties, I guess, but I never missed it as I was happily partnered by then. The desire for attention from random strangers, even attractive ones, just went away. I was never crazy about "cruising culture" anyway: some men make fools of themselves with their silly come-hither glances, and you'd just feel embarrassed for them. I would avoid eye contact with the more aggressive types. I was in the Castro once with my straight brother, who is nine years younger, and the open leering of random men annoyed me. I was always more the "Julius" type of queen who was into conversation, a laugh, a drink, and some good music.

I always laugh at the perennial old guy's Grindr and Scruff profiles that delightfully allow the reader to understand that they "prefer younger", and are looking for a relationship. Year after year there they they are, with the same faceless picture.

I’m 58. I was in a very long relationship which ended a few years ago. Because of that I was out of circulation. Now on the rare occasions I venture on to the local gay scene I am enough of a new face to get attention. I do OK sex wise. I get a lot of interest from younger guys with a daddy fixation, but I’m not interested because we have little in common.

68 here. It's a relief to be invisible. No more rejection! No more STDs! No more wackos or weirdos! I have a nice masturbatory fantasy life with men whom I will never meet, and that's just fine. (I do miss a good kisser, though, but not enough to hold auditions for the part.)

I was never much of a bars and clubs guy, so the impact on being over 50 is minimal. People I befriend is more for personality and common interests rather than just physical attraction.

When I was in my 20s and 30s I dated a lot of older guys, I think oldest was 55.

I'm 50 in a couple of weeks and couldn't contemplate spending a significant amount of time with anyone that age.

I'm mid-60s and am not fully there yet. I think I've always been surprised to see someone giving me favorable attention, regardless of age.

I do notice that getting noticed doesn't happen as often now, and often when it does it's with less intensity. If I am with friends my age of older, I get little attention - presumably we are dismissed as a group of olds. Most of my friends are younger, however, and with them I get noticed and hit on more than on my own. Context.

And also it's context in the sense that I live in a place where fancying someone outside your age group isn't seen as so odd at all. Young men can have friendships or sexual relations or simply conversation with older men without it being weird or secretive or chasing daddies or wheelchairs. Generations mingle more easily among all people.

I got the daddy thing going on so I still get attention every so often. It’s nice I guess but I’m married so that’s all it is.

I became single again in 1996 after a 20+ year relationship ended.

I found dating in your early 40s was a fucking nightmare, so I withdrew from the dating scene after about two years and have never looked back or regretted my choice and truly enjoy my anonymity.

Who wants to put up with that bullshit in your twilight years?

Even though I'm in my mid 60s I look like I'm in my mid 30s, so I have no idea what this "feel invisible" means.

Where do you old guys live that you are not getting any interest? Put up a face picture of yourself on any website or app and you will be swamped in a sea of 20 and 30 somethings looking for a “daddy” or “sir”. You can be a top or bottom and they wanna fuck you either way.

You don’t have to be in great shape either. You have to be in decent shape. But the bar is low for what they are looking for right now.

I'm 62. No one ever checks out my profile online but I still get looks at the gym, from both older and younger guys. I do get occasional messages on Sniffies based on a body picture (no face, no age listed) but I only log on there for my own gratification because I'm not interested in hooking up anymore.

There's definitely plenty of younger guys who are specifically looking for older guys (including over 50), but I think you generally have to be in pretty good shape to attract them.

I’m 37 and I’m invisible. I’m 6’4” and 188 pounds. I’m blocked on Grindr and the only looks I get is from straightest guys that like getting attention.

I meet invisibility with invisibility. You don't see me? Ok then, I don't see you. Keeps things organized.

And I can recall when I was in my 20s and 30s the lines old men would come up with on me. I refuse to be anyone's creepy old man. I'm doing just fine.

I simply rolled with the punches. It is what it is. I’m a bum magnet, so it was something of a relief when I was no longer looked at. My imagination and left hand serve me well.

I'm 64 and lost interest in hooking up during COVID. I'm horny and jerk off a few times a week, but I just can't be bothered playing the game. Also, I think the monkey virus brought back unconscious fears of living through the catastrophic emergence of HIV.

OP, thy name is shallow.

R6- Meanwhile I have a friend who's uncle is 92 years old and he's been dating a lot of woman the last few years and now he just got married to a woman who's 49 years old. I don't know if I should say- You go GURL! or

You're NUTS!

I tended to avoid the superficial cruising and gay bar hook-ups even when I was in my twenties. Having someone you also find attractive reciprocating can be exciting, but 90% of the time ends up being a hollow hook-up unless you know more about each other first.

R1 You might actually be surprised when I was in my mid 40s, I started getting more attention from younger people including girls. Now that I'm almost 60 I still get a lot of attention from those who like older daddy types.

I'm 56 and in a way, quite happy to be invisible. I was pretty hot when I was younger and it's much easier to be invisible.

R20- Why am I shallow?

I can still turn a head!

R26 - agreed - yes, if you keep yourself fit, trim and well-groomed, you don't become invisible. Maye Musk taught us all that in just 30 seconds.

Pro tip: Hang out in Palm Springs for a week, and you'll feel young and fresh in no time! I'm dead serious.

I love being invisible. I don't want attention and I've gotten to a point where I hate interacting with strangers so I'm good.

I like being invisible. I don't have to spend hours plucking every hair and choosing every outfit so I look perfect. No one gives a shit so either do I.

I still get hit on at 64 but its rarely by anyone I want to be hitting on me. I attract all the predatory old toads and never a younger guy . I absolutely would go out with someone my age or older but dammit,I have to be attracted to them . I think because Im rather fem and still try to dress nicely when I go about is the reason I still get a modicum of attention. Visibility always paid off for me when I was young .

R30-I went on a trip in March. I was on KLM for one of my flights. I keep a journal of all of my travels plus I have a journal when I'm home too. I was sitting in my seat on the plane writing in my journal when the steward walks by and says- Are you writing your memoirs? I said no it's a journal of my trip. Later when we landed I had just gotten off the plane and was on the bridge between the plane and the building when the steward yelled after me- GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR JOURNAL! That was nice to be flirted with. He was about 48 years old and on the queeny side but I still found it flattering at my age 59 that anyone is still interested in me at all.

I'm 59 and married. Being invisible was always a thing for me: I'm black, educated, and never a barfly. In Baltimore there isn't much action for someone like me if you are not into the gay scene. But, for shits and giggles, I still have profile on Scruff. I get likes from older men in other countries and states but rarely my area. When I do get attention in my area it's from young guys with a black daddy fixation, older guys, or guys my age, who have given up in order to look like your local grandpa, and black guys who hide behind blank profiles with little information. I am glad I am married but not because of looks or sex. I am glad because once you are married, with kids, all the other bullshit fades away. You focus on important things, not how many shy glances you are still getting. I am not Scarlett O'Hara.

I’m under 50 and invisible. Joke’s on them, I always finish last.

I have to wonder to what extent some older men and women (usually called eccentrics) wear bright and bold items just to get some attention.

Personally, I love seeing that on older people - bold fashion choices and doing something new. I HATE when people say you're too old to wear a certain color or style.

I will agree that tight-fitting and revealing clothes or super trendy items should not be worn by people over 40-45, but why not add in some color and vibrancy.

Before moving to a warm climate, I lived in NYC and Chicago - and my wardrobe was 40% black, 40% dark blue, and 20% gray - with a smattering of white and green. When I moved to a warm locale, my partner commented on that and I swore off buying anything dark. It's been a game changer.

Color makes you more lively, improves your mood and it's uplifting. Buy colors! Clothes, glasses, shoes, socks. It will really change how you feel. (But keep it within reason and not look like Elton John)

I was so much prettier 20 years ago….

I was told I was go-go boy hot, piano bar hot, Monet hot. Please note all have low light and booze.

So, when somebody’s eyes glazed over at 15 feet and they came closer, I could see the confusion. By the time they were arms length, they look disappointed or betrayed. Like I had something to do with their shit.

Anyway, I love being invisible.

I wish I were invisible. I hate being stared at in public knowing that it’s not because they think I’m good looking. I’m not dramatic enough to cry out that I’m not an animal, but it would be appropriate for me to do so.

R36- Why do you think people are staring at you for a reason other than because they find you attractive?

I had a guy staring at me the other day on the train. He was waiting to get off and I was sitting in the vestibule. He kept staring at me slack-jawed until I erupted with What the Fuck Are You Looking at?! Then the doors opened and he got off the train.

“Eros invisibility” was on the rise starting in my mid 40s and now it’s total as I near 60.

To everything, turn turn turn, there is a season, turn turn turn… A time to cruise and to rut… and a time to just transition into elderhood with a modicum of dignity.

R38 - could have been a lot worse if you were on the 1 train at 4:15am a few days ago. Or better, depending on your POV.

R38 is giving JD Vance vibes

Yesterday, When I Was Young.

A 30 something year old from the women's shelter was coming on to me at the coffee station in my bagel store at 7:15 this morning. I can't say it made my day.

Any time I hear this invisible crap it translates to, “When did you become invisible to children?” You’re not supposed to have anything in common with 20 year olds. It’s only a “gay” thing because gay men mean sex. Heterosexuals ask this same question but it has to do with being ignored, not not being unable to fuck someone younger. People should concentrate on whether or not people their own age ignore them.

I love being invisible. All the attention when younger was nice. Now I just travel and read.

R44- I am not interested in a 20 year old being attracted to me but a 35 year old or a 45 year old being attracted to me would be nice.

R46, you’re 60. Come on now. Concentrate on people your own age. I’m sure they’re around. Do you ignore them?

R47 Im 64 and I dont ignore men my age at all . BUT the only ones that actually hit on me are less than attractive . I can take age,weight,etc but I still have to find something attractive. They never are . All the "good looking" ones my age are fucking 20 year olds. Whats a good looking gal who looks 45 to do ?

R47- Don't rush me. I'm 59 years old- which I know is PRETTY DAMN OLD but I ain't 60 yet.

R48- I agree with you. I find that most guys 50's and up do not take good care of themselves and just seem like fat old men. If possible I would want to be in a relationship with someone in their 40's.

When the Abbey was the hottest gay club in WeHo my partner and I (both 26) Took our colleague,mentor and friend there as he wanted to check out the new "in" place. We had only been there thirty minutes. Thought we were all having a fabulous time sipping our cosmos ogling the scene when George told us he was leaving. But why we asked? Thought you were having fun? He drew himself up and in his inimitable voice said " I don't belong here." He was 58. He was right. As I age I miss George so.

R50- Was The Abbey owned by the same person or people who ran g lounge in Chelsea?

I went to g for many years. I would sometimes be cruised by two good looking guys at the same time on either side of me. This was ca. 1999. Now I could walk into a gay bar completely naked and I would probably be invisible.

Ah R51 wasnt it grand ? I once was seated in a banquette at a bar surrounded by men I was flirting mightily with . I could have had my pick. I felt like Scarlett Ohara at the 12 Oaks barbecue ! It was truly my finest hour .The best part ? My best friend of 45 years was sitting right there and witnessed it all ! He often said he wouldnt have believed it had he not seen it. Cruel cruel task master is Father Time !

R48 - that's the truth. You either put in the effort for years to keep up your appearance or you don't and you hit a wall early and it gets worse.

You HAVE to workout, eat well, etc. It's not an option. You can look GREAT - but it requires effort. You need to maintain your muscle - you lose that as you get older.

But also, muscle and other things keeps things lifted and up.

So many older guys look like a melted candle and it doesn't have to be that way.

R52- You sound like Quentin Crisp in The Naked Civil Servant. How old were you at the time?

It was grand and I was high a lot of the time ( a natural high) knowing I could have sex and even possible a relationship with so many good looking guys. Unfortunately none of it panned out. I RARELY spoke to anyone ( I found it too hard) so I would get a high from being cruised by a good looking/hot guy and that is all I went home with back then. Oh well.

R51 I was in my 20s . Quite full of myself I must admit . I was very much in a relationship when that happened so unfortunately I had to pass on picking one . But I could have ! Gay bars were so different then. So much fun . Very much our private little world . I spoke to anyone and everyone when I was out amongst them . Since I never really gave a shit what others thought it freed me up to have boundless confidence .