My mother is dying

I’m sad for you, OP, that is heartbreaking. My condolences

I'm so sorry, really unfortunate that she has to now deal with possible pain and complications from the growing cancer while not really knowing what's going on at the same time. Saw a couple of cases like that when I was in for cancer myself and I just felt so bad for the visiting relatives.

I'm dreading losing my mom as well, but I keep saying to myself that it's a normal part of life that pretty much everyone has to deal with eventually. I also have imagined life without her many times in order to lessen the grief when it finally happens. I know it doesn't work that way and pre-grieving largely doesn't work, I just don't want my depression to kill me as well when she dies.

And we really need to work harder on those Alzheimer curatives because it's a ruthless disease.

My mother has been dead for many years.

It happens, OP. Buck up.

r2 thank you. I too suffer from depression, and I've tried to frame it as: my mother worked so hard to be a good mother all my life, and I feel taking care of myself after she's gone is a way of honoring that. Of course, my best intentions don't necessarily translate into action.

By genetics, there's a good chance I'll get it and it's scary and sad.

All you can do is be there and prepare for the end. With my grandmother it felt like a small relief - well, she doesn't have to be confused anymore. But that never comforted me.

And yes, R2, more research please!

So sorry, OP. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to watch that. Hopefully they keep her on the good drugs so she's not in pain. And don't forget to take care of and be nice to yourself, especially the way things are now.

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. You sound like you've take good care of your mom.

Here's an observation meant for others to help prevent these illnesses. I hope it's not insensitive. Feel free not to read it. * * * * I know another elderly person who had these same two diagnoses, in the same order. I believe the Western Medical treatments for the first problem may cause the other issue. In some individuals, these treatments also eventually cause the first problem to recur.

I’m so sorry, OP. Please look after yourself.

Wishing you strength and comfort, OP.

I'm really sorry, OP. Sending you and your mom love and comforting thoughts and feelings. ❤️🙏

Condolences, OP. Sounds like you and your mom were a good team, and you both did exactly what you were supposed to do for each other. Hopefully you both feel that deep inside and know you lived good lives with, and for, each other. That’s a great accomplishment many people never achieve.

Wishing you strength, and her peace. She had the world to herself for many years before you arrived, and now she’s leaving it for you to experience it as she did once. Another gift. Tell her Thank You.

I’m so sorry for your heartbreak OP, and I wish peace for you both.

At the loss of my last surviving parent, I read this passage from The Times' Roger Cohen's essay - "Sons Without Fathers" - at her memorial:

[quote] There is no preparation for the loneliness of a world from which the two people who put you in it have gone. The death of parents removes the last cushion against contemplating your own mortality. The cycle of life and death becomes internal, bone-deep knowledge, a source now of despair, now of inspiration. The earth acquires a new quality of silence.

That is so beautiful, r13, and it hits hard. Thank you.

My Dad died 40 years ago, my Mom 30. Life goes on, but I think of them every day. They did their level best and I try, failing more than they did, to live up to that standard. My Dad died of a stroke, so it was quick. My mom died of liver cancer, which took a while and was painful. You’re doing what you can and I hope you’re OK.

My condolences, OP. I feel your pain, literally; my mother passed two years ago last month after battling Dementia for a decade, and it is a brutal, unforgiving disease that robs its victim slowly and completely over time. It's doubly hard as you've expressed because you lose them twice, first when the disease takes their mind and then when their body eventually catches up. It is particularly hard on their primary caregiver who, like you, sees the person still alive and yet not; others see them and unless it's for any length of time, don't realize that they're gone.

Be kind to yourself and grant yourself a portion of the grace you've devoted to her.

So sorry OP - 71 is very young, particularly if she's been on a decline for 10 years already.

I would advise you to look into what we know are contributing factors to Alzheimer's - both environmental and at the cellular level - and start to take action to minimize or prevent developing Alzheimer's yourself.

A lot of research has been done on this in the past 10 years and there is a lot of hope and positive studies.

My mother died with dementia. By the time she went it was a release for her and a relief for us. She was suffering and she had definitely reached the "I wouldn't want to live like that" stage. We felt reconciled to her death as the best thing for everyone. It is sad for you, OP, but at least soon her suffering will end. I hope it's peaceful and as comfortable as can be.

Thanks, r17. Fortunately (I suppose) I was adopted as an infant, and I don't have Alzheimer's in my biological family.

My mom's mother died of Alzheimer's too, but she had a later age of onset (76 or so).

OP my heart aches for you. This is a painful process. YOU sound like a remarkable person. A good son. Hopefully, you will begin to transition, too, as she is getting ready to leave. Start paying more attention to your own needs and begin thinking about rebuilding your life in a way that honors her. Letting go is really hard. I've been there.

No one should have to suffer that long. We need a miracle pill that makes everyone healthy.

Sending love and sweet memories of your mom 🤍🤍🩷🩷

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you've been very good to her, I hope you can take some comfort in that.

I’m so sorry you began to lose your mom that young, and now this. Dementia is such a hard road for patients and their loved ones. Dementia and terminal cancer together is just beyond cruel.

Sending wishes for a merciful and relatively easy death.

I hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time. Remember her as she was in her heyday. Look at pictures of her youth, and keep those images alive in your mind. Our parents (if we are lucky) die when they are old, and we forget that they once laughed, danced, and played like any young person.

Below, a young Elizabeth II dancing in Canada.

OP, I’m so sorry. I’ll hold good thoughts for you and your lovely mom.

I lost my mom nearly eight years ago, to a sudden and aggressive cancer. We were extremely close my entire life. The loss was profound, as well as complicated by having to sublimate my own grief to get through arrangements, look after my dad and handle trust / estate matters. In the ensuing years, my dad (stepdad of 40+ years) has declined without her and now is battling mid-stage Alzheimer’s. Last year I moved him to my town (~500 miles) and into assisted living / memory care, after a couple incidents that made clear he couldn’t live on his own any more. I don’t have siblings, and I’ve learned along the way to listen to certain trusted family members but make decisions that are best for my dad and I. People have their viewpoints, but no one can know what this is like unless they’ve walked this path themselves.

I share all of this in hopes that it helps you feel less alone in your situation. There are many, many others facing these situations. My heart goes out to you.

Also, one thing true for me that I hope proves the same for you. My mom shows up all the time, in little ways that she knows I’d recognize. Sometimes in dreams, other times in ways that just let me know she’s present and checking in on me. It has brought me great comfort to know she’s still with me in her way. Sending you hugs. ❤️

I wish I'd had 'Mike and Carol Brady' for parents, but I didn't. So there's nothing to mourn.

My great sorrow and regret at my mother's death lessened into peace before a year passed. She had Alzheimer's and suffered with physical pain and illness.

And with peace came the honesty of relief.

When you don't accept the dark you don't rage against the dying of the light with the same desperation.

Thanks for all the support. I know this place has its fair share of pointless bitchery, but when it's good, it's very good.

Sorry you are having to face this but it sounds like you are a kind and loving son. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that even after she dies you will still be able to "talk to her, play her favorite songs for her, just be with her." It will never be the same but you will carry her love within you the rest of your life.

"This my pious Mother bore and brought up eighteen children; she often had the plague and many other severe and strange illnesses, and she suffered great poverty, scorn, contempt, mocking words, terrors, and great adversities. Yet she bore no malice. She feared Death much, but she said that to come before God she feared not. Also she died hard. ... I felt so grieved for her that I cannot express it." -Albrecht Dürer

That's a hard 63.

R32-She looks like someone who’s 163.

It's a tough one, especially when a loved one doesn't get to enjoy their senior years. After it's all said and done, hopefully the good memories provide you comfort.

Fuck you r32/r33

I like my pious, plague-beset mothers of eighteen to be HOT.

Is she.... you know.... Yet?

Sorry to hear this OP, I lost my mom 2 years ago under similar circumstances to R18. It’s awful to see someone slowly regress from being an active vibrant person to a complete stranger. Death was certainly a release for her.

OP here. Things, obviously, have not gotten better in the past month, and she is still declining. On morphine 2x day, refusing solid food, has lost significant weight.

I am not doing well and mostly just lie in bed when I am not with her.

Suggestions for how to pull myself out of this?

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side. Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is. Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.

Thanks r40

OP: it sounds like you had a great mom and a long lasting relationship with her. Believe me, that is rare. You have to take solace in the fact she will be out of pain and free of the constraints of old age. Personally i am spiritual and Believe theres more to come after we pass; and this adventure lies ahead for her. You seem to have left your own life on hold to care for her and thats commendable. There must be so many people in your exact situation, try seek them out. Take any councelling offered and try see any bright side you can. Big hugs 🫂

Thank you, r42. Your message made me cry

I did it 30 years ago, OP. It was hell then but well worth the effort. My partner and I moved in with my Mom to keep her out of a nursing home. It made her life better and our lives, too. You get more when you give.

You won’t regret what you’re doing now when it’s over. Count your blessings: depressed or not, she made you into the kind of person who’s doing what you’re doing - the right thing.

Thanks, r44. I don't mean to be a MARY!!! but you made me tear up too.

Remember this OP. There will be nothing you should have done that you didn't do, and nothing you should have said that you failed to say. She knows you're there and she knows you love her. All of this will be a great comfort to you when she finally crosses over to her new life. And in your head you can still talk to her. Be glad that you're sharing these times. Your job right now is to help her get ready to leave. Sending you blessings.

I'm so sorry, OP. I don't have anything profound to add to what others have said, but remember that so many of us on this board have also lost their parents, and it hasn't always been in a home filled with love. Mine was, which is why I miss my parents every day. You'll eventually feel a sense of gratitude that you did everything you could.

Hey buddy I am so very sorry. Wishing you and your family peace and all the comfort in the world to your mom.

Peace.

Thanks r48

OP here.

Somehow, she held on for the summer. But she's been in the active dying stage for nine days now-- hasn't eaten or drank anything, low blood pressure, declining respirations, death rattle.

I have been preparing myself to lose her for more than ten years, but nothing really prepares you for the very final exit.

I should add at r50: she is only 71 and in relatively good physical health, which is possibly why the dying process is taking a while.

The torture of waiting is really awful.

I feel for you, R51/OP. I went through something similar with my Mom 9 years ago (she had dementia but not cancer). I wasn't her caretaker but I was responsible for placing her in assisted living after she slapped the home health aide we had for her.

The passing was hard but the hardest part, for me, was finding joy in having time to myself. I honestly didn't know what to do with my extra hours. I hadn't focused on myself for 5 or more years. So I did what I did when I was a kid after my parents split; I ate and got fat.

Please think about and take care of yourself. You cannot stop the inevitable and it will hurt like a motherfucker for a good long while. Try to find some joy in your life after she dies. She would want you to be happy and to live a good life. If you can't do that for her, it will have been for nothing and she wouldn't be happy that you aren't giving yourself the same level of care she gave you and you gave her.

Thank you, r52. I needed to read that.

My mom's been gone for a year and a half now. She was dreadful to me until she got really old, when she died I think we were finally friends. I still miss her every day. Hugs and strength to you, OP

I’m sorry, OP.

OP is she in hospice care? They did home care visits for my great-aunt and the nurses were angels. They helped us deal with what was coming.

Yes, and it's been very help r56. Thanks for asking.

*helpful

Sounds like you have been a good comfort to your mom. Hugs. OP.

I’m very sorry OP. It is clear that you had a wonderful relationship with your mother-which is a real blessing and comfort at this time . May the happy memories sustain you-they did for me in my own situation. My parents were amazing and I am always grateful for them.

R50 jeez OP I am so very sorry.

I wish your beautiful mom all the comfort in the world and an easy passing when it comes.

And I wish nothing but peace for you and your family.

Make the most of your time with her. Listen carefully if she can speak. Write things down that she wayd or better yet, record her voice. I made recordings of my mother when she got the phase that she repeated the same 5 stories all the time. Listening to her voice now and again is wonderful now. It hurts but it makes me smile. I only listen to a few seconds of it but one day I want to play for my siblings when the time is right. I miss her dearly but I know she is in a better place. I truly believe that.

Op she only got 1095 days left to vote for the next Democratic presidential nominee. She can make it. God bless.

No I'm NOT you little fairy!!

Curious how this will feel. She’s 91 and it feels like nothing but a chore now - not great quality of life for her and an absolutely stressful, time-consuming, all-encompassing job for me. I envision pure relief when she finally passes - but I know it will more complicated.

R65 of course. But allow yourself to feel however you feel. Do not second guess anything or feel any guilt.

You've clearly been doing all the right things for her, and I'm sure she appreciates you.

I'm sad for your situation OP. I've been through it. I will still say losing my mother 35 years ago was the worst experience of my life. The day I walked into that funeral home and saw her lying in a casket was something I thought I would never be able to get over. But it's true, time may not heal all wounds, but it definitely does make them easier to withstand.

My best advise to you is to not let your emotions get bottled up. Let them flow like water. it will help you recover from your loss much faster.

My mother died this morning.

Thanks for the comments, everyone.

I am sorry for you, OP.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

I lost my mom many years ago, and my father earlier this year.

Both were miserable for the last several years of their lives, and while I miss them both, their passings were a blessing, as it was heartbreaking to see them in pain (mom's physical pain and dad's dementia).

Take time to process it all and be kind and patient to yourself. Don't let anyone else dictate to you a list of "shoulds."

I'm sorry OP -- but thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. I'm sure there are more than a few of us here that will take comfort in knowing that you did it and you got through it.

And may she rest in peace.

Op what does she leave behind. What’s her life insurance policy. Will you be almost rich gay?

OP, I'm so sorry for you my brain freezes when thinking of something to ease your sorrow. Ten years ago I took early "retirement" from my job to care full-time for my parents, both of whom had/have dementia.

Mom died in 2018, after suffering over a 11-year decline. After three of the most awful days you can imagine, she slipped away silently when my two sisters were out running errands, Dad was in his bedroom and I was in the kitchen cooking her favorite meal. Dad is slowly going down the same-but-different path, and I have NO idea who or what I will be when he's gone.

There is a pastor in Houston my Dad enjoys listening to, and I'll never forget what he said in a sermon about a mother's love. He'd preached the funeral of a wonderful woman whose daughter lived in CA, so he didn't know the daughter well. Coming back from the cemetery in the family car, the daughter was silent, just looking outside at the rain, wiping the occasional tear. Then, still facing away from him, not speaking to him as much as to the Universe, the daughter quietly said [bold][italic]"Once you lose your Mama, ain't nothing much can hurt you."[/bold][/italic]

That struck me hard.

OP, take comfort in the fact you've gone above and beyond, leaving nothing undone or unsaid. And that is a fucking GIFT, because I can't tell you how many funerals/burials I've been to where an adult child keeps screaming and trying to jump into the casket or grave hole. And 9.9 out of 10 it's the child who did shit for their parent, and now it's hit them hard.

The hard work is over. Duty done. Mourn but live the life you were given.

Even when you know someone you love is going to die, when they finally do it feels so strange. It's like where did they go? They just disappear

R68 Peace, my friend.

Op I feel ignorant for what I said. I was just trying to inject some humorous bitchery. Take it one day at a time and cherish the memories. Memories are forever. You will see her again after departure.

OP/R68, I'm playing this song in honor of your mother.

I played it on incessant repeat when my Mother died, each time I drove home from the vet's with my pets' ashes, and plan to play it at my Father's funeral (which I hope won't be for a very long time, though he's 97).

Godspeed to your beloved Mother, and I wish you peace and happiness in all the wonderful memories only you and she share.

May her memory be a blessing, OP.

I’m sorry OP. Hugs to you.

Sorry about your loss, OP. I'm sad for your mom's long decline with Alzheimers, and the breast cancer which ravaged her at the end,. None of it seems fair, and your mom was awfully young to have gone through all of that. I'm sure you're also feeling the loss of unconditional love, which comes as part of the package with most mothers. She was probably always proud of you - whether you deserved it or not. But you probably did, judging by the love and care you gave her at the end.

Thank you, r81. That means a lot to me.

I"m sorry too OP. You're a good son.

It's been over three weeks.

I suppose the biggest change is that life seems emptier now. I don't mean just because she's gone. I mean at a very fundamental, existential level that is hard to exactly articulate.

R84 Sending you hugs, OP. ❤️

Thank you r85.

R84 Awww OP. Thats the same way I felt when someone I took for granted died unexpectedly. I truly believe our time is eternal and you are still with her in parallel universes that are zombies. You will reunite again doing things that you could have done in this timeline.

OP, my oldest brother passed away unexpectedly a year and a half ago We are very sad about that, but his wife went into profound grief. She reported a very similar thing to you. I think it might have partly to do with your caregiving roles. My brother was not good at taking care of himself, and eventually went through cancer treatments. He recovered cancer free, but was left with substantial problems related to his treatments. So his wife was always caring for him, thinking about foods he could eat, how to make his day to day existence easier. When he died, she said, "the remainder of my life is empty. I don't see any point to it.". I think her emotional core felt that her job for the rest of HER life was to take care of him and then plan fun things for them to do once she was retired.

I'm so sorry OP X

My mother passed away after a late diagnosis during covid and it was horrible, so I understand