My mother is dying

I’m sad for you, OP, that is heartbreaking. My condolences

I'm so sorry, really unfortunate that she has to now deal with possible pain and complications from the growing cancer while not really knowing what's going on at the same time. Saw a couple of cases like that when I was in for cancer myself and I just felt so bad for the visiting relatives.

I'm dreading losing my mom as well, but I keep saying to myself that it's a normal part of life that pretty much everyone has to deal with eventually. I also have imagined life without her many times in order to lessen the grief when it finally happens. I know it doesn't work that way and pre-grieving largely doesn't work, I just don't want my depression to kill me as well when she dies.

And we really need to work harder on those Alzheimer curatives because it's a ruthless disease.

My mother has been dead for many years.

It happens, OP. Buck up.

r2 thank you. I too suffer from depression, and I've tried to frame it as: my mother worked so hard to be a good mother all my life, and I feel taking care of myself after she's gone is a way of honoring that. Of course, my best intentions don't necessarily translate into action.

By genetics, there's a good chance I'll get it and it's scary and sad.

All you can do is be there and prepare for the end. With my grandmother it felt like a small relief - well, she doesn't have to be confused anymore. But that never comforted me.

And yes, R2, more research please!

So sorry, OP. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to watch that. Hopefully they keep her on the good drugs so she's not in pain. And don't forget to take care of and be nice to yourself, especially the way things are now.

I'm sorry to hear that, OP. You sound like you've take good care of your mom.

Here's an observation meant for others to help prevent these illnesses. I hope it's not insensitive. Feel free not to read it. * * * * I know another elderly person who had these same two diagnoses, in the same order. I believe the Western Medical treatments for the first problem may cause the other issue. In some individuals, these treatments also eventually cause the first problem to recur.

I’m so sorry, OP. Please look after yourself.

Wishing you strength and comfort, OP.

I'm really sorry, OP. Sending you and your mom love and comforting thoughts and feelings. ❤️🙏

Condolences, OP. Sounds like you and your mom were a good team, and you both did exactly what you were supposed to do for each other. Hopefully you both feel that deep inside and know you lived good lives with, and for, each other. That’s a great accomplishment many people never achieve.

Wishing you strength, and her peace. She had the world to herself for many years before you arrived, and now she’s leaving it for you to experience it as she did once. Another gift. Tell her Thank You.

I’m so sorry for your heartbreak OP, and I wish peace for you both.

At the loss of my last surviving parent, I read this passage from The Times' Roger Cohen's essay - "Sons Without Fathers" - at her memorial:

[quote] There is no preparation for the loneliness of a world from which the two people who put you in it have gone. The death of parents removes the last cushion against contemplating your own mortality. The cycle of life and death becomes internal, bone-deep knowledge, a source now of despair, now of inspiration. The earth acquires a new quality of silence.

That is so beautiful, r13, and it hits hard. Thank you.

My Dad died 40 years ago, my Mom 30. Life goes on, but I think of them every day. They did their level best and I try, failing more than they did, to live up to that standard. My Dad died of a stroke, so it was quick. My mom died of liver cancer, which took a while and was painful. You’re doing what you can and I hope you’re OK.

My condolences, OP. I feel your pain, literally; my mother passed two years ago last month after battling Dementia for a decade, and it is a brutal, unforgiving disease that robs its victim slowly and completely over time. It's doubly hard as you've expressed because you lose them twice, first when the disease takes their mind and then when their body eventually catches up. It is particularly hard on their primary caregiver who, like you, sees the person still alive and yet not; others see them and unless it's for any length of time, don't realize that they're gone.

Be kind to yourself and grant yourself a portion of the grace you've devoted to her.

So sorry OP - 71 is very young, particularly if she's been on a decline for 10 years already.

I would advise you to look into what we know are contributing factors to Alzheimer's - both environmental and at the cellular level - and start to take action to minimize or prevent developing Alzheimer's yourself.

A lot of research has been done on this in the past 10 years and there is a lot of hope and positive studies.

My mother died with dementia. By the time she went it was a release for her and a relief for us. She was suffering and she had definitely reached the "I wouldn't want to live like that" stage. We felt reconciled to her death as the best thing for everyone. It is sad for you, OP, but at least soon her suffering will end. I hope it's peaceful and as comfortable as can be.

Thanks, r17. Fortunately (I suppose) I was adopted as an infant, and I don't have Alzheimer's in my biological family.

My mom's mother died of Alzheimer's too, but she had a later age of onset (76 or so).

OP my heart aches for you. This is a painful process. YOU sound like a remarkable person. A good son. Hopefully, you will begin to transition, too, as she is getting ready to leave. Start paying more attention to your own needs and begin thinking about rebuilding your life in a way that honors her. Letting go is really hard. I've been there.

No one should have to suffer that long. We need a miracle pill that makes everyone healthy.

Sending love and sweet memories of your mom 🤍🤍🩷🩷

I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like you've been very good to her, I hope you can take some comfort in that.

I’m so sorry you began to lose your mom that young, and now this. Dementia is such a hard road for patients and their loved ones. Dementia and terminal cancer together is just beyond cruel.

Sending wishes for a merciful and relatively easy death.

I hope you find the strength to get through this difficult time. Remember her as she was in her heyday. Look at pictures of her youth, and keep those images alive in your mind. Our parents (if we are lucky) die when they are old, and we forget that they once laughed, danced, and played like any young person.

Below, a young Elizabeth II dancing in Canada.

OP, I’m so sorry. I’ll hold good thoughts for you and your lovely mom.

I lost my mom nearly eight years ago, to a sudden and aggressive cancer. We were extremely close my entire life. The loss was profound, as well as complicated by having to sublimate my own grief to get through arrangements, look after my dad and handle trust / estate matters. In the ensuing years, my dad (stepdad of 40+ years) has declined without her and now is battling mid-stage Alzheimer’s. Last year I moved him to my town (~500 miles) and into assisted living / memory care, after a couple incidents that made clear he couldn’t live on his own any more. I don’t have siblings, and I’ve learned along the way to listen to certain trusted family members but make decisions that are best for my dad and I. People have their viewpoints, but no one can know what this is like unless they’ve walked this path themselves.

I share all of this in hopes that it helps you feel less alone in your situation. There are many, many others facing these situations. My heart goes out to you.

Also, one thing true for me that I hope proves the same for you. My mom shows up all the time, in little ways that she knows I’d recognize. Sometimes in dreams, other times in ways that just let me know she’s present and checking in on me. It has brought me great comfort to know she’s still with me in her way. Sending you hugs. ❤️

I wish I'd had 'Mike and Carol Brady' for parents, but I didn't. So there's nothing to mourn.

My great sorrow and regret at my mother's death lessened into peace before a year passed. She had Alzheimer's and suffered with physical pain and illness.

And with peace came the honesty of relief.

When you don't accept the dark you don't rage against the dying of the light with the same desperation.

Thanks for all the support. I know this place has its fair share of pointless bitchery, but when it's good, it's very good.

Sorry you are having to face this but it sounds like you are a kind and loving son. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that even after she dies you will still be able to "talk to her, play her favorite songs for her, just be with her." It will never be the same but you will carry her love within you the rest of your life.