My partner is a hoarder

7/10

Just a tad too detailed, but by far the bEST story I read in a while.

He’s a mess. I couldn’t live with that.

Punch and delete.

ADHD is no joke. His mind is going a million miles an hour. Of course he will be overwhelmed by things other people find easy.

Well, what are his good points?

Time to move out OP

First of all, ADHD is not something one can just "snap out of", so I'd quit holding your breath for it. But you are going to need to stage a bit of an intervention for him in a way that doesn't shame him about his problem. Tell him he can get a storage unit if he isn't ready to part with all his treasures permanently, but they can't stay in the apartment because it's a shared space and far too small for all of it. Are you paying half the rent? If so, you have every right to insist the hoard be dealt with. But again, with the depression and ADHD playing a part, you'll have to be gentle and patient about it and be willing to help him deal with the mess. You might want to insist on therapy as well.

Can you afford to live on your own? Not every couple HAS to live together.

Hoarding is a manifestation of mental illness, usually depression

OP, your partner just doesn't see anything wrong with holding onto a few precious things.

Run. There will never be anything you can do for him and you will lose yourself in his rubbish.

Gurl! Where did you two guys meet? Value Village? Goodwill? Honey if the red flags were any more evident you would be in a bull ring in Spain!

4/10. The kitty litter stuff was far too specific. It also got very boring by that point. Including some positive attributes would have been beneficial as you’ve offered the audience no reason why anyone would stay with this individual. Our sympathies as readers turn against you for still being there.

The think the dust also turns the reader against you as you allow that much dust in your home. If this was real, you’d have a responsibility to clean it as well.

I’ve read worse but it could be far better.

You should move out before everything you own smells like a litter box.

Is it a dirty hoard or a clean hoard? On Hoarders, some people just collect stuff and others are leaving food wrappers and wet trash all around.

It looked like Louis B. Mayer had exploded!

I've lived with a hoarder for over 30 years. While compromises can be made, he will always be a hoarder, and he will get smarter at hiding his stuff.

I was molested behind the stack of old newspapers

My mother is a hoarder, everything you described sounds just like her.

R11 “It was at Aunt Sallie’s after breakfast at Tiffany’s!”

He’s a hoarder darlin

Hoarding is a very difficult situation because all of the people that have the disorder are so attached to their things and sometimes that attachment is stronger than it is to human beings. I know of a person who combined hoarding with seriously mistreating their partner. A lot of hoarders will protect their hoard in very ugly ways. It is also a legal challenge

OP. What if the 😺" suddenly disappeared"?

My partner is a hoarder. Books, newspapers, magazines, vinyl, and CDs. Not trash, thank God. We have gotten storage space to clear most of it out, but I think the most important thing I did was insist on professional cleaners coming in twice a month. Now that I've switched from female to male cleaners it seems to be working even better. He seems to care about what they think and willingly picks up, clears surface, etc. before they come.

It's not perfect, but I can live with it.

Beercan dick.

"Not trash, thank God. "

See. You've lost yourself in his garbage. What you described is an exact definition of trash.

“You can’t throw me away I’m a part of you!”

R25, I am not "lost in his garbage"; I clearly stated in the post that almost all of that stuff was IN STORAGE. And you really don't see a difference between piles of magazines and piles of rotting food???

OK R27 tell that to the next cleaner who comes in or while your sitting at the self storage inventorying his SHIT!

R28, there will be no "inventorying", ever. Just disposal, done by said male cleaners. Frankly, you're (make note) a lot more upset about this than I will ever be.

OP is upset because Beercan pays more attention to his collection of flattened cat skeletons than OP’s mouth and ass, R24.

Sounds like you should just get over it OP

Not to be too personal OP, but are you sure you two are a match?

This is one of those threads that you check on and then leave quickly.

May I ask for your address please, OP?

This is definitely an EST, but in a real-life scenario, the hoarder is already passively-agressively, slowly, literally crowding the partner out of the situation and relationship with their increased hoarding.

I briefly had an ex who was the polar opposite. He wanted everything to be bare and minimalist and look like a generic designer-y photo shoot. You weren’t allowed to “mess it up” by bringing your own personality into your own home. It was like dating an “influencer”, but way back in 2003 when there wasn’t social media to show it off to anyone.

I cheated on him out of frustration and then we mutually broke up.

better than a whore

Depends, R37, I’ve had $$ sex with a dozen porn stars and I’d say 4 of them were fucking dynamite. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

There’s a new show called Filthy Treasures about people who clean out hoards that have some valuable stuff which they sell and split the profits with the hoarder. These hoarders are happy to have someone come in a clean up for them. Apparently, not all hoarders are entirely irrational about their stuff.

Not the glass pig. I bought that right after the first time I was molested.

If you like seeing houses and yards cleaned up but don’t enjoy the psychological drama of “Hoarders,” check out Filthy Treasures. A bit of American Pickers/Storage Wars content as well with the stuff that has value.

Lived in a similar situation. Partner found a discarded bicycle, fixed it up and sold it online.... within months we had over 100 broken bicycles as well various other items pulled from the trash in the apartment. He would fly into a rage whenever anyone raised the subject. The image at r34 became an issue. Eventually my only options were to allow myself to be evicted or take legal action to have him removed. I went with the second option. We are still friends and he has been couch surfing for the last two years. He refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem.

Bitch, like you have a partner OR live indoors.

This sounds absolutely exhausting. I'm sorry. I'd have to pick up sticks and move. There's too much ass in these streets.

Not the snow globes. They'll be worth some money someday. 🏔️

Is your partner under the care of a psychiatrist? Do you know the name of the practitioner? If you do, write a letter to them about your concerns. They might be able to help.

I knew my brother was being treated for severe depression. When he began exhibiting signs of paranoia (so much so that he was in jeopardy of losing his job), I wrote a detailed letter to his shrink. The Dr. helped him address it and get him on the appropriate meds.

Push him down a flight of steps and FLEE, gurl, FLEE!

My partner is a boarder

Call me if your partner likes being micromanaged and talked down to.

Gurl, the Divine Black Goddess in me sympathizes with your struggle.

Please tell me he has a huge dick and fucks you into oblivion a few times a week.

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder. You don’t “snap” out of it. Hoarding isn’t one of the symptoms. I would move out as soon as possible. This isn’t physically or mentally healthy..

A few precious things...

precious things...

precious things...

[quote] Yes, he is mentally ill. He has been diagnosed with depression and ADHD. I tend to think of those things as bullshit. Every adult is depressed to some degree and you should try to snap out of ADHD.

"Yes, he is mentally ill. No, he is not mentally ill."

[quote] He doesn’t even bring his dirty dishes out of his room to the kitchen after he has finished eating off them.

Sounds more like a bad roommate than your partner.

Thank god I was always a bossy bitch and ruled my homes with an iron fist . None of my relationships seemed to have an issue with that but maybe they just didnt say so. My last partner (RIP) did rather like dragons and those revolting sand castle sculptures so I let him keep them in the bedroom. But only a smattering !

Boundaries stated!

A psychiatrist friend insists that true hoarding behaviour is all but impossible to cute or even improve significantly.

OP, I highly encourage you (and maybe your boyfriend too) to watch videos by this guy, the owner of Midwest Magic Cleaning. He himself is neurodivergent and gives excellent, concrete advice. Better than the sanctimonious cunts who try to intervene on those hoarder shows.

If any of you struggle to get started on cleaning, I strongly encourage you to watch this guy. Highly satisfying and motivating.

R39 I think the show is called Filthy Fortunes.

What a bunch of fat hoar…ders!

Heard that too r58 Intervention never works. And if you do convince them to let YOU do all the clearing out, in 6 months the apartment's stacked to the ceiling all over again.

I've never understood why the friends or relatives of a hoarder don’t just start throwing their shit out themselves. Not all at once, but bit by bit.

Hoarders don’t know what they’ve got, and they'll never miss it. Pile of magazines here, bag of cleaning supplies there. Every time they leave the house.

“Where did my April 5th 1998 People Magazine go? You know how I love Princess Di. They had my favorite article in there! Did you touch my Taco Bell wrappers?”

Some hoarders are a kind of collector run riot and they do not hoard newspapers and pine cones and empty cans. They over collect but know what they have. They have too much. It might be possible to throw out their stuff. But some of them might be aware of everything they have, to varying degrees. dish queens. doll collectors. it's all a form of hoarding.

Nah r63

“It’s gotta be in here somewhere. Where have you looked?”

“I thought you were done with them!”

"Have you found a treasure?"

R54 he's been diagnosed, but Doctor Oh Pee knows better.

R64 describes my hoarder guy perfectly. Fortunately, with the advent of the internet cloud and large data storage devices, he's able to digitize a lot of stuff and store it online. That said, I still don't understand why he buys a film and stores the DVD version, the Blu-ray version, the 4K Version, the 3-D version, and whatever the newest technology release brings on the market. He already has the film stored online. He also records YouTube videos to CD-Rom and saves those as well.

R68 Does he tape record his favorite OF “content”?

NOT THE BEANIE BABIES.. THOSE ARE INVESTMENTS NOT GARBAGE!

This thread is making me itchy.

Ron Jeremy does not approve!

Just snap out of ADHD? No one has ever done that. Hmmm. We have a poster who makes up scenarios. I hope this isn't that.

R16 r68 he probably has ocd and ADHD and his collecting is of the "completist" variety. All the mechanical and intellectual actions of filing and ordering the collection is calming. Digital collections is a godsend to them but especially their families because it does not take physical space. You can discover this kind of mentality all over the internet. Pinterest was designed for this mentality. Before streaming music, people curated vast digital music libraries always rationalising the need to up the bit rates or collect all the remasterings. There are deeply byzantine user groups dedicated to this sort of thing.

[quote]Some hoarders are a kind of collector run riot and they do not hoard newspapers and pine cones and empty cans. They over collect but know what they have. They have too much. It might be possible to throw out their stuff. But some of them might be aware of everything they have, to varying degrees. dish queens. doll collectors. it's all a form of hoarding.

Hoarding and collecting are not at all the same, R64. There are many excellent books on the.psychology of collecting and it is very different than hoarding, even in the case of over-collecting to an extreme.

Psychoanalyst Werner Müensterberger's "Collecting: An Unruly Passion: Psychological Perspectives" is one of the best and most interesting books on the subject. Collecting can definitely be a psychological indicator - of various things and to various extents- but it's not just the same as hoarding only with nicer, more orderly shit.

I know many psychiatrists who are serious collectors. It's almost a standard trait of psychiatrists of a certain generation or older. None is a hoarder.

And while I've known serious collectors who bought multiple houses to fill with their collections, or who kept store rooms of things waiting for a place to put them, or things that had fallen from favor and were waiting to be sold or just stuck away, out of sight out of mind for ages, their degree of preoccupation or obsession was in no way connected to self-neglect nor extremes of psychosis.

I agree that the DSM tries to distinguish hoarding disorder based on distress, impairment, and living condition. I was suggesting that the person mentioned by R16 maybe a collector. I wasnt referring to the OP's person.

I'm just not sure. Mine collects things that could conceivably be valuable: statues of Marvel comic book characters and associated paraphernalia; an entire room full of WWII-era and -inspired knickknacks like old metal banks and war posters, radio replicas and model war planes (looks much like a museum display); anything Rosie the Riveter; owl statues (and yes, that one is really, really weird). Our back yard has every possible garden geegaw. Otherwise, she is very good about helping around the house and cleaning. She has no other cleanliness issues. She just seems to "collect" a wide range of items that I find puzzling, frivolous and sometimes creepy. She doesn't spend a lot of money on each item, but she must have spent thousands of dollars on the WW room alone, $5 at a time.

I would describe my aesthetic as quasi-Buddhist monk, so I have already compromised. A lot. Now, her mother has moved in and my wife will have the pleasure of cleaning out her house from her decades of hoarding. In summary, my wife is a fancy hoarder and my mother-in-law is a traditional hoarder. My wife will be cleaning her mother's home and I am hopeful that this will force a confrontation internally. It's already borne fruit -- she cleaned our garage out last weekend.

[quote]It's already borne fruit -- she cleaned our garage out last weekend.

Hopefully she’s not just making space for the highlights of her mother’s hoard.

She's a hoarder and she's sucked you into her neurosis. Your whole post is justifying her "collection". If her junk was worth anything do you really think it could be bought for five dollars and stored in you backyard? You get one closet and she gets the rest of the house and yard. That's a healthy relationship.

[quote] think the show is called Filthy Fortunes.

Well, it SHOULD be called Filthy Treasures.

Having experience with hoarders I bet by "cleaning" the garage she just stacked it better and moved one pile to the other part of the garage. She probably didn't clean. She rearranged. What did she throw out? I'm guessing 🅾️

Two hoarders and a hoarder enabler @ r77 ?

Somebody alert Filthy Fortunes before they crowd r77 out of her house - we've got their next episode for them!

The show should be called Filthy Fuckfaces!

Cuz that’s what hoarders are!

Well. I read the whole thread and have been inspired to dispose of a minuscule percentage of the clutter that had accumulated around here. There’s still a lot more to go but it was a start.

Thanks, OP. I needed a nudge.

DUMP! DUMP!! DUMP!!! the hoarder.

R16/R64 here. Thanks to everyone for explaining the difference between a collector and a hoarder, and the relationship to OCD and ADHD. I actually think my guy is both a collector and a hoarder, but leaning more towards the collecting side. I also believe that he has OCD, although it has lessened as he has gotten older.

One strange way in which his OCD manifests itself: we live on an acre of property in a warm climate, and we have an extensive garden and some fruit trees. My guy is loathe to prune any plants or remove weeds. He somehow thinks that he will kill the plants if he tries to maintain them in any way. I plead with him that pruning/weeding will enhance the garden and make everything healthier, but he doesn’t buy it. So rather than argue, I wait until he’s out of the house, and then I subtly prune/weed, hoping he won’t notice. I’m not proud of what I’m doing, but over the years, it’s been one of my many solutions to his quirks.

Here's AI’s info about OCD and ADHD:

OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) and ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) are distinct mental health conditions, though they can sometimes be confused because they both affect attention, focus, and impulse control. OCD is characterized by intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors or rituals (compulsions) aimed at managing anxiety. ADHD, on the other hand, is primarily characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.

Key Differences:

[bold]Nature of Symptoms:[/bold]

OCD involves intrusive, unwanted thoughts and repetitive behaviors to alleviate anxiety, while ADHD involves difficulty with attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.

[bold]Internal vs. External:[/bold]

OCD is often seen as an internalizing disorder, meaning the symptoms are primarily experienced internally, while ADHD is considered an externalizing disorder, meaning the symptoms primarily impact how a person interacts with their environment.

[bold]Risk Tolerance:[/bold]

People with OCD tend to avoid risks and strive for control, while those with ADHD tend to be more impulsive and may engage in risky behaviors.

[bold]Focus of Attention:[/bold]

Individuals with OCD often have a heightened focus on their obsessions and compulsions, which can interfere with their ability to focus on other tasks. People with ADHD struggle with sustained attention and may easily be distracted.

Similarities and Overlap:

[bold]Impact on Executive Functioning:[/bold]

Both conditions can affect executive functions like planning, decision-making, and impulse control.

[bold]Difficulty with Focus and Attention:[/bold]

Both OCD and ADHD can make it difficult to focus and stay on task, potentially impacting schoolwork and work performance.

[bold]Potential for Co-Occurrence:[/bold]

It's possible for individuals to have both OCD and ADHD, and they can sometimes be misdiagnosed for each other.

In Summary:

OCD focuses on intrusive thoughts and behaviors to manage anxiety, while ADHD focuses on attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. While both conditions can affect attention and focus, they are distinct disorders with different underlying mechanisms and symptom presentations.

A relationship between a hoarder and someone who doesn’t believe in psychiatric illnesses is a disaster waiting to happen.

Silly question but don't you have any friends or relatives who visit you, or have any guests? And how could you live in a house like this, yourself?

That's another type of psychiatric illness r89 Don't know the technical term, but we see it all the time here on DL , the "at least I've got a man" mindset.

R86 You and I are in relationships with hoarders. I love my wife very much. She's a very kind, gentle, smart and thoughtful human being. I have allowed her to bring a bunch of junk into the house because it appears to bring her joy and unless I start setting better boundaries, I'm going to be buried under stuff. Right now, I manage to keep the house clean and relatively uncluttered but it's a constant battle and I'm really getting tired of it. The true test will be when she cleans out her. If she starts carting a bunch of crap over here, I'm not sure that our marriage will make it.

R91 here "The true test will be when she cleans out her mother's house."

You're an enabler. You're as sick as she is. A relationship isn't a series of tests. I mean you're hoping she chooses you of her pile of rubbish. Well over her rubbish and her mother's rubbish. Here give her what should be an easy test. "I can't live like this. Especially with the addition of your mother moving here. Three people just can't live like this. So within 15(though it should be 7 you can cut her some slack) at least 60% of your "collections" need to be gone. Not another storage bill. Gone. If you can't do this I have to move and look for happiness elsewhere." Which is she going to chose? You already know don't you.

NOT THE IBM SELECTRA TYPEWRITERS! When Y2K hits people will pay good money for those!

If “enabling” collecting potentially valuable stuff is the price for keeping an otherwise healthy relationship, sign me up.

ADHD has zero to do with hoarding.

I know two people who both became hoarders after their mothers died.

This is not ADHD (although he may have that too, as a separate issue). Hoarding at this level is a form of OCD. Search “OCD hoarding subtype” for more information.

If you want to salvage this relationship and so does he, he must agree to:

- seek professional mental health treatment for his OCD - agree to leave the house for a time period so that you and/or a professional cleaner can take out the trash - set specific and VERY LIMITED limits on how much space he is allowed for future hoarding (be aware that if you designate a closet or storage unit for this he will fill it up and you will need to repeat step 2 above on that space as needed)

Your other options are to break up or also become a hoarder yourself and live in a Grey Gardens situation.

My parents are both hoarders and I know all about this. I have already calculated that when they die it will take me *at least* 6-12 months to clean out the closets in their house, the large barn, 3 sheds and storage unit that are all full of mostly useless things (possibly with some antique treasures buried in the piles but who knows until we dig them out). You don’t want to live like this trust me.

R92 You should have left it ambiguous.

Or you could just leave.

Like others above posted, it will only get worse. My neighbor made a deal with her husband that her washing machine/dryer in the garage had to stay clear of junk. By the time we moved away, she had just a few inches of clearance and the rooms of the house were rapidly filling. They tried therapy. No good. And husband got meaner, more obsessive, and angrier about his stuff as the years passed. Wife now has cancer, and once she dies, husband will live and die buried with his junk. I once innocently mentioned they could go onto one of the TV shows like hoarder, and he exploded. RUN, OP.

OP’s partner is a hoarded of HEARTS!

And OP can’t say goodbye…

Adhd means he needs coddling and extra special attention from everyone around him and drugs. Maybe he's got good drugs and he can share with you. If not, why bother staying with such a high maintenance person?

“If I can’t have your pills, what are you good for anyway?”

Hopefully those who are in a relationship with a hoarder are following the latest updates on Gene Hackman and his wife's living conditions before their deaths.

That is your future.

OP: are you Gene Hackman?

This is funny (or not) but the custdian where I work (ex custodian now) was a hoarder. Yes, his job largely consisted of throwing things away and cleaning, yet he kept every used Renuzit from the bathrooms, every interesting thing anyone threw out in their trash, like desk tchotchkes. Pens, paper, books. Ceaning cloths, cleaning supplies. He had a shelf of disinfectant spray cans with one or two sprays left in them. The space to walk into his office to his desk got narrower and narrower. He started to put his junk in the hallways and the break room. I tripped over one or two things that weren't there the day before, because I didn't look down. Ladders clogged passageways. Etc. When he left (because of a medical problem) it took people two or three weeks to clean up his office space and all the boxes, barrels and things he put in the hall as far as 20 feet away.

Yesterday I heard he wants to come back part time.

Does anyone know what mental illness or trauma causes people to turn into a hoarder?

Genetics, stress, and mostly childhood trauma. NOT MY HAPPY MEAL TOY COLLECTION!

[quote]Does anyone know what mental illness or trauma causes people to turn into a hoarder?

Frequently there's an element of loss, like a parent losing a child and never addressing their grief in any meaningful way. It's usually not the first trauma the hoarder has endured but it's the one that permanently tips the balance. They buttress themselves with junk and refuse to part with it as a maladaptive coping strategy.

There's a book called "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things" that's an interesting look at how OCD and PTSD collide for some hoarders. I don't recall whether it explicitly addresses the overlap between personality disorders (which often go hand in hand with trauma) and hoarding, but anyone who's watched enough "Hoarders" has noticed it.

It's pretty much a hopeless disease.

OP, read R88.

Your person is a hoarder. The house is dirty.

You should get psychological help yourself to explore why you stay living in smelly filth.

R77, do you socialize and does she have hobbies and pastimes besides acquiring stuff? Do you have guests to stay?

Other poster living with hoarder, hire an arborist and a garden service.

Ultimately the expanding hoard will likely force you both out of the relationships.

I would not live in a home with unclean litter boxes, clean them or rehome the cats or move.

Consumerism

Thank you R109 and especially R110

Okay, I am raising this thread from the dead bc I read it months ago but it stuck with me. I have a sibling who is not a hoarder but... almost. He has hoarding tendencies and fights every single day against his natural inclination to hold onto stuff. He also has ADHD. So I followed this thread with interest and when I recently stumbled across the following, I thought I should share it here.

Dr. Russell Barkley is a (now retired) top ADHD specialist: very much science-based, generally regarded as one of the GOATs on the subject. About 2 years ago, he created some videos discussing the (relatively recent) discovery that yes ~ contrary to what many upthread in the comments here insist ~ ADHD and Hoarding disorder are very strongly correlated. He has created several videos on the subject that you can find by searching "Hoarders" in his YouTube channel. A lot of the information he gives is about the studies showing the links between Hoarding and ADHD, but I figure what is most helpful to readers of this thread is the less academic, more practical "what can be done about Hoarding." The link below will take you to that: start around 2:55.

TL,DR: A lot of scientifically-backed information about the links between ADHD and Hoarding can be found on Dr. Barkley's YouTubeChannel. Go to 2:55 of this link to hear about some practical solutions.

Your fault for not thinking mental illness is real and people can snap out of it.

He’s a whore too. I hit that last night OP. Ooops.

OP just tell him he has too much shit and to sort and throw.

OP Let me tell you a story. My late partner was messy. I believe it was because his parents were neat freaks and always nagging at him. God forbid he left a glass on the coffee table. Major crime! So I think it was him rebelling against them in a PTSD sort of way.