Let's Be a Murder Mystery film

I'm Agatha Christie

I'm the all star cast

I’m the swamp down the road where the kids go to park and make out. I’m rumored to be deep and to never tell my secrets, but cops do occasionally dredge them out of me.

The movies I star in are not cozy but they’re cheap and timeless.

I'm the score by Richard Rodney Bennett

I'm...prussic acid.

I'm the black cat

I’m the British or French accents.

I’m the victim.

A lot of people want me dead.

I'm the butler

I’m the celebrity friends, one of whom loves the novel, and wants to see it made as a film. We all agree to work in the picture to make sure it gets made.

The movie is released and, despite our collective star power, the movie flops, because nobody gives a fuck about old timey murder mysteries anymore.

I'm the murderer. You'll see me just once, way at the beginning of the show, and then the filmmakers hope you forget about me until the Big Reveal.

Then the motive turns out to be something inane, like the victim stole a candy bar from the me in grade school but the years of seething anger drove me to kill.

I am the deserted location that prevents calling the police. More will die.

I'm the exposition.

As you well know, there has always been a lot of tension between my stepfather and I. You see, many years ago when mummy was sick........

I’m the thunderstorm.

I’m the flashback in the opening credits.

I’m the detective. I’m either very smart or very dumb. Never middling.

^unless there’s a clever spinster by my side. Then I’m middling.

I'm James Mason

I'm Nicholas Clay's tiny black swimming trunks.

I'm the killer's confession, which occurs for no good reason, at the fiim's conclusion: "And I would have gotten away with it too..."

I’m the gay

I'm Dame May Whitty

I'm the long-lost relative who's been in plain sight during the entire movie.

I'm the person in the theater who loudly announces the name of the killer before the movie starts. I will be the next murder victim.

I’m the secondary victim. I saw something I should not have seen. I may be silenced, but I still point to the killer.

We are Pip and Emma. We are somehow important though no one can quite keep track of how.

I’m the detective who knows who the killer is and keeps telling you to be patient so I can show off how brilliant I am.

Touch nothing!

I’m the well-meaning, but doofus, assistant detective. I’m there to rush to silly conclusions and make the detective look smarter.

I'm the part of the note that did not burn in the fireplace

And sometimes Belgian, R7, like at R28.

I'm flames...on the side of my face...

I'm the police chief. I'm mostly inept, despite my proclamation so the contrary.

I’m the poppers

I’m the dildos