We Need Another Joke Thread

Here you go, from my college days:

[quote]There were 2 whales swimming around who were very bored when they saw a boat. One whale says to the other, 'I've got an idea for a laugh, why don't we swim under the boat, blow water from our blowholes, and capsize it." "Okay," says the other whale. They proceed to do so and swim back down, laughing all the while. Then the first whale then says, 'I have an even better idea, now that the fishermen are in the water, why don't we swim back up and eat them?' The other whale then replies 'No thanks. I'm all for the occasional blow job but I never swallow sea men."

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

What's the worst thing about eating out your grandmother's snatch?

Hitting your head on the lid of the coffin.

What did Michael Jackson and pimples have in common?

They both came all over your face when you were twelve years old.

Thanks OP. I needed the laughs!

Did you hear about Hitler's microwave?

It seated 400.

On their 50 Wedding Anniversary, a man was asked his wife's favorite flower. After thinking for a while ... "Gold Medal."

I don't get r7.

What do you call a bear with no ears?

Buuh

Uh, none of these are funny.

More please!

[quote]Uh, none of these are funny.

PLEASE REAGLE US WITH YOUR FUNNY FUCKING JOKES

What do Hillbillies do on Halloween?

They Pump Kin.

R8 Gold Medal is a flour.

Classic Jewish joke —

Grandma is watching her beloved 9 year old grandson play on rocks along the seashore, on a warm summer day. “Don’t get so close to the water, Bubeleh!” she calls. “You know I’m too old to help you if you fall in!” The boy ignores her, playing happily.

Suddenly a giant wave rises up and crashes into and over the rocks, and in an instant her flailing grandson is swept out to sea! Grandma screams and screams in a panic but no one is close enough to hear. She drops to her knees and prays with all her might: “Oh God, Please God, I know I haven’t always been a good person but if you PLEASE return my grandson to me alive and safe, I promise you I will devote the rest of my life to upholding all your commandments and fulfilling all the mitzvot, oh PLEASE God, PLEASE!!”

Suddenly an even larger wave surges up from the ocean, and from its center the boy is spewed forth onto the rocks. Coughing, spluttering, drenched and in shock — but he’s OK.

Grandma hobble-runs to her boy, sobbing, and bends down and hugs him tight - then she pauses and looks up again to the heavens.

“He had a hat.”

R10 The word 'none' is derived from 'not one', which is obviously singular, so the grammatically correct phrase is "None of these is funny"

R10 Post a funny one.

A three-legged dog slowly limps into a saloon and drawls. "Ah'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

We had to rush our dog to the vet after she ate our whole Scrabble game. The vet said she'd be OK but she'd have to stay until she pooped it all out.

How's she doing?

No word yet.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse in the corner. He goes to the bartender and asks what's with the horse. The bartender says he'll give anyone a thousand dollars if he can make the horse laugh, and $10,000 if he can make the horse cry.

The guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear. Suddenly, the horse explodes with laughter. The bartender is stunned.

Then the guy whispers in the horse's ear again. The horse looks down and abruptly stops laughing and begins crying. The bartender's jaw drops.

The guy returns to the bar. The bartender is speechless, but opens the cash register to count out money. "How did you do that? What did you say to the horse?" the bartender says while handing over the cash.

The guy says, "I made him laugh by telling him my dick was bigger than his. I made him cry by showing him my dick was bigger than his."

Why is the reverse cowgirl position banned in Alabama?

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

Megasorass.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus.

Why did the fag get fired from the sperm bank?

He drank on the job.

How do you get four fags to sit on a barstool?

Turn it upside down.

How does a fag fake an orgasm?

He spits on the other fag's back

A baby seal slips into a bar.

"What'll it be?" the bartender asks.

"Anything but a Canadian Club."

Two old guys were playing golf one Saturday afternoon. They were at the fourteenth hole, which happened to be very near a road, when they saw a hearse leading a funeral procession. One of the golfers immediately removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. His buddy said, "Bill, I didn't realize how respectful you are. That was really inspiring."

His friend replied, "Well, after all, I was married to her for more than forty years..."

What's the difference between kinky and erotic?

Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

A terribly handsome guy walks into a pharmacy and asks the female pharmacist behind the counter: "Do you sell XXL condoms here?" The horny pharmacist quickly checks out his bulge and answers him in a flirty manner: "Why, yes, we certainly do..." The man replies: "That's wonderful - do you mind if I wait here to see who buys them?"

What disease do you get from having sex in the ocean?

[quote]I always wanted to write a book about you, (insert spouse's name), but somebody beat me to it. He wrote The Hound of the Baskervilles.

15-year old goes into drug store. "Do you sell condoms?" "Yes" "How much are they?" "Two dollars a box" Kid give clerk two singles. "That's two dollars plus tax." "Tacks ? I thought they stayed on by themselves."

An oldy, but goody...

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope will also be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wants to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

The Pope immediately turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to intercourse that ends in 'k'?"

Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." He thinks for a while, then it hits him, and he says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'talk'."

"Of course," replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

A man came home from work and his wife hit him on the head with a newspaper.

Husband: Why do you do that?

Wife holds out paper: I found this in your pocket. Who is Linda Lou?

Husband: Oh, honey, that's the name of a horse someone gave me but I didn't have time to place the bet.

Next night husband comes home and wife hits him on the head with a frying pan.

Husband: Why did you do that?

Wife: Your horse called this afternoon and wondered where you were last night.

Some ranch hands were giving a young George W. Bush some pointers on the ranch. The group came upon a calf with its head stuck in a fence.

One of the hands ran down and slapped the calf in the face then fucked it and pulled its head out of the fence.

Foreman: Georgie, do you think you can do that?

Georgie: Sure, but you don't have to slap me in the face.

“What’s this button for?”

Challenger teacher - astronaut Christa McAuliffe’s last words

^^^^ Muriel you're terrible

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts.

Where did Christa McAuliffe go on vacation?

All over Florida.

What kind of shampoo did Christa McAuliffe use?

They found her Head and Shoulders on the beach.

What did Liz Taylor put on her hamburger?

A hotdog.

How do you make a gay man cry?

You fuck him hard then wipe your dick on his drapes.

On Christmas Eve wife of TV weatherman asks the forecast. He looks out the window, "Rain, dear"

Why is Europe like a pan?

It has Greece at the bottom.

Father walks into his kid's room and says "Don't do that son! You'll go blind!"

Kid says, "Dad, I'm over here."

Just heard this one:

A young man has a severe stuttering problem, so he prays to God for a cure -or at least some relief. God hears his prayer, and decides to send everyone in his village to help him out. First came the shaman with healing crystals. Then came a shepherd with fresh goat's milk. The Catholic priest came and did an exorcism. This went on for several days until finally a prostitute knocked on his door. "What I'm about to perform will be such a powerful sensation that you'll be cured immediately. I'm going to suck that stutter right out of you."

The young man replies, "Do y-y-y-you m-m-mean an exorcism?"

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows in too high. She looked surprised.

You gonna eat that?? Jeff Dahmer to Lorena Bobbit.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T COME BACK?

a stick

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball!

Why did Willy Nelson get hit by a car?

He was playing on the road again.

One of my husband's friends said ; you and your wife seem to get along well and you never argue." My husband said; I don't argue with my wife, I dicker." He really said that, lol.

🤣🤣 R3!!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

My favorite from Bible school when I was eight:

Did you know the Bible says that Mary was a big nag?

Yes, she rode Joseph's ass all the to Bethlehem.

Dammit!

".....all the WAY to Bethlehem...."

A guy was out in the yard chopping wood. His wife came out and said " Honey the Preacher is coming tonight and he wants chicken" ( she meant for him to kill one). The guy didn't say say anything and just kept chopping wood. His wife came back out and said " honey did you hear me? The preacher wants chicken"! The guy said " Oh fuck the preacher!" His wife said " I already did but he still wants chicken!"