Ruh-Roh. I may have developed some sort of bodily aversion to morphine now. I took some tonight and within 90 min, I had the same really sharp pain on my right side (which turned out to be gas). I gotta figure this out because morphine is the only thing that keeps the pain at bay.
I signed up with hospice today officially. Within a few hours, I began having doubts. I've skipped a few pieces of information from the past few days and will try to fill them in without dragging it on.
I finally talked to my oncologist's nurse yesterday who told me that the reason I was put on the pump is that my Dr. decided he wanted me not back on Irinotecan, but on a drug combo that can only be taken over 48 hours. This drug combo was offered to me the same time I started Irinotecan back in March. I asked if one was more effective than the other and was told they were the same, so I opted for the one that I didn't have to wear for 2 days and then go back to the office to have removed. This is what he was putting me on now. Without telling me, without discussing anything about the drug, including why he NOW thought it was better, what the side effects were, etc. It was just a done deal and I was supposed to accept it. So I told the nurse I wanted no part of it, that I was angry at the way I've been treated there the past few months and that I no longer trusted my oncologist. All of this mattered not since I had decided to go on hospice.
Also, I did further research on the diaphragm surgery and found out recovery time was 8-12 MONTHS. I thought- I won't even be alive that long. So I canceled the consult for that.
I got a little pushback tonight from a friend when discussing this and so I did some research on the drug my oncologist wanted to switch me to and it sounds like it's super powerful, enough to cast some seeds of doubt. But I know it's not as cut and dried as all that. Again, it's something I should have had a conversation with my oncologist about, and that opportunity was denied me. This is all making me a little mental right now. I've read that the median survival rate on this chemo is 49 months. I would assume that I'd have to count time already spent, but that could still give me close to two more years. But again, am I the average patient or am I too far gone in treatment to be able to apply those standards to my situation?
I can't even sit up straight for more than a few minutes, this is how weak I am. I am in pain. I can't eat. I cough like crazy and vomit nearly daily. I yearn for a release from all of that. But if I could buy enough time to see my two projects get completed... and there you have it, I'm back in Dreamland, thinking "What If?" I know what if and it's not good.
I will, of course, bring all this up with my therapist tomorrow, but it's cutting through that nice morphine buzz right now.