I don’t know what to do about my mother

Now that Trump won maybe she’ll stop watching news 24/7. She needs to connect with other people and get out of the house. Maybe also a neurological evaluation.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. It is heartbreaking to watch your parents wither away to nothing.

I think of my dad (a Navy vet and former college football player). Now he is overweight, has out of control diabetes, only get around in a motorized scooter, and never leaves his recliner. He does nothing but watch Fox News, COPS, Judge Judy, etc. all day every day. It's depressing.

Finally, we had to have a long and serious discussion. He is so stubborn. He lies to me, my sister, his doctors. There comes a point where YOU feel so much, but they do not care. It is heartbreaking. You can't find their battles for them.

Best of luck to you.

Sounds like my mother her last 10 years and I even lived with her for awhile. She had COPD but continued smoking. My sister used to badger and scold her for just sitting around and that had no effect, plus it bordered on elder abuse. Like your mom she had choices but chose to stay where she was.

It's hard, but don't think there's something you can do about it, that way lies madness.

I'm sorry, OP. Echoing what others have said here: this sounds like a tough situation. I hope that things improve for her. It's too bad she can't find some kind of activity or hobby besides obsessing about politics--learning a new language, making some artwork, writing down her good memories--but so many are so afraid to make the slightest change or to try something new even for a little while. For some reason, being stuck in a rut feels like home for a lot of human beings, old or young.

All that you can do is keep reminding her of life's possibilities. Would her moving to California be something you could 1) cope with and 2) organize? Hang in there.

OP maybe your mother thinks it's all toooo hard. Family intervention time. Come together, chat make a plan and be there for her, it will take time and patience. Lots of conversations to be had. Go with her to Arizona, talk thru processes with her and your Aunt etc. You'll have to be the grown up during this conversation. Good luck OP.

OP, we are in very similar situations, but I might have you beat. I an only child who lives abroad. I am in Italy and my mom, 81, is in Pennsylvania. My dad died in December 2022. He did everything for my mother, who refuses to leave the house. During covid she wouldn't even go to the mailbox. She stays inside all day. I talk on Zoom everyday with her. On Monday we put in her Walmart grocery order. She sends me her list and I fill it in with things she needs. There is a woman who comes by once a week to do stuff around the house and spend time with her. She gets meals on wheels everyday, so she has daily contact. And I talk to her. In the beginning it was tough. But we have seemed to settle into a nice routine. At least your mom hates Trump. My mom, a lifelong democrat, got sucked into Fox during covid and she's MAGA now. But the internet and being able to do her shopping for her from so far away is a godsend. We text all day and talk every night. It's like I am there. And I get her grub hub here and there, although we have to watch her sodium. I get home in the summer and Christmas.

The amazing thing is that she has gotten stronger, more independent living this way and is talking about getting the mustang in the garage registered again so she can drive. I am not going to let that happen. But it's good to see that she is actually thriving and wanting to live, because in the beginning it was very touch and go. The funny thing is out of the blue she starting talking about wigs at the same time she started really talking about the guy who cuts the lawn. I think she has a crush on him.

R5 is correct. I would suggest being even more adamant that this move has to happen. Any discussion should be slanted in a way that it's a done deal. You have to be pro-active in getting a place to rent in AZ, listing her house and have movers come in. It'll be a lot of work for you but it's the only way it'll get done. She is way too passive. We had to do the same for my mom but she was amenable to the move once we laid out all the positives. She'll be closer to family, dangerous to be old and by yourself, better weather(skip over the hellacious summers part) etc.

I empathize with you. It seems you’re anticipating what maybe some difficult future choices. If at all possible, try to cultivate some quality mom time with the holidays coming up. I lost my sweet mom and my best friend last May to a fast-spreading, advanced cancer. I miss her so much I burst into tears whenever I think about her, which is often. I won’t have my sweet mom to celebrate the holidays with anymore. I would be able to indulge her with gifts and treats that I always looked forward to buying for her. You’re so fortunate to have your mom, flaws, problems and all. I’d give anything to have my mom with me right now. I hope I’ll see her in heaven one day.

What R5 and R7 said. An intervention with all her children around the room was the only thing that worked with my mother when we were all at our wit's end with her and she was exhibiting first signs of cognitive decline and was totally oblivious to it.

My mother was a difficult woman who put on a right and cheery face for strangers and dressed as though she were in some perverse sort of old lady pageant because she valued appearances above all else. As her Alzheimers progressed she one by one kicked to the curb her siblings and a few close friends she had had for 50+ years. She wouldn't stop bad-mouthing the few people closest to her (including her children), and seemed to take great delight in pitting these people against one another, telling lies, sculpting the truth. All that was left of her old self were her difficult traits, magnified and ceaseless. She delighted in hoping aloud +and laughing gleefully) that her children would get cancer or some disease and die before her. This she calculated as a win for her. She wanted to outlive everyone she knew as a "fuck you" gesture.

Having time to spend with aged parents isn't always the gift R8 believes. You can do only so much, OP. That your aunts are amenable to living with your mother and are aware of her quirks is excellent, and good foresight on your part. Hopefully keeping the possibility alive with your mother by repeating the invitation will one day get a different answer from her than in the past. Or some change or scare will occur that points her to that direction.

She doesn't seem able to focus on your request to lay off the Trump chatter. Probably it's unreasonable to expect that she will make the decision to move until it suddenly seems a better idea.

[quote]She doesn’t have any friends, she doesn’t do anything, she doesn’t travel even though she has money, and she doesn’t seem to want to have a life. All she does is watch cable news all day, and when I visit her, all she wants to do is talk about politics and complain about Trump.

How long has she been frequenting the DL?

How close are Niagara Falls?

0P I certainly feel for your situation it's tough you want the best for your mother and you want to maintain your own independence and know that she is secure. A couple of questions, is she have any difficulties keeping her house clean or keeping herself together appearance wise? To me those would be triggers for more of a professional evaluation of her cognitive ability etc.

R3 here. You didn't say how old your mother is or if she's experiencing cognitive decline. If she's in danger of hurting herself then of course an intervention on some level is called for. If she's functioning and merely a pain in the ass I don't think ganging up on her and forcing a move to Arizona will work.

But I get the sense that you mostly wish she had a more fulfilled existence. The older I am the more I realize my isolated mother wanted it that way, and that she was in more physical pain than I realized. People who think you can change an elderly person and force them into extraversion have never taken care of an elderly person. We project onto them how we, personally, hope to age. We judge them. Seventeen people and handcuffs couldn't have dragged my mom to a senior center, or to live with her sister, who she was fond of. And you can't force anyone to make friends. Maybe you could ask her what she really, really wants. My mom said it was never to be in assisted living. Fortunately she got her wish. It's all I could do for her, the rest was up to her.

I turned 61 this year and I kind of "get it". The older I get, the less I want to venture out. Home is safe and comfortable. Out "there" is annoying and full of stupid people acting selfishly.

I also don't blame your mother for not wanting to move to Arizona.

Arizona is hot, gross and full of morons.

How old is this old bag, OP, since you sound 80 yourself?

If she really doesn't want to be around people, it probably won't matter where she lives: she will find a way to isolate herself. Ultimately, it's her life to live, but if you feel she is declining to the point where she is unsafe, talk to her about arranging some home care.