Developing Story: Helen Lawson, Star of Stage, Screen, and Donkey Shows Endorses Harris

USA doesn't go in for fools and dope.

She just wants the EPA to let her move vats of Helenesque across state lines again. She can’t sell them in Camden.

Beyoncé’s appearance at a Kamala rally in Pittsburgh was going swimmingly until Helen, having pounded a quart of vodka before inhaling whatever was in Ella Emhoff’s vape pen, stripped to her Spanx to accompany Bey in the Single Ladies dance. Which would’ve been fine, except Bey was singing Texas Hold ‘Em at the time. It took a few tries, but Helen had wriggled out of the Spanx before the second verse.

In Pennsylvania electoral terms, let’s just say Beaver County went red that night.

Jesus, CNN just cut her off but not before she started yelling "Stuff my ballot box! Dicks fill crotch!"

Lawson: I’m looking for the hung Chads, you asshole. Where are all those hung Chads that you said are fucking with my gurl getting erected? I’ll take them all on because Lawson Cavern can handle all hung Chads.

Reporter: Ms. Lawson that was hanging Chads and that was with the 2000 election of Bush and Gore

Lawson: I’ll show you a 2000 year old Gory Bush….help me lift this skirt, you homo.

"Yankee Doodle went to Bel Air

Just to ride a Lawson

Stuck his noodle in her snatch

and called it loose but awesome!"

Helen Lawson, The Polo Bar, Election Night 1964

Is she wearing a “Donald Trump paid for my Abortion. Twice!” T-shirt?

Breaking: Helen Lawson announces that “hers legs will be wide open for visitors to stuff her ballot box long after polls close.”

Ms. Lawson also released a photo to include with this story, but our stomachs aren’t able to share it.

Helen gave Hitler a handjob while on a tour of Berlin in 1935. She's come a very long way. Evolved. What a dame.

The kiss of death AGAIN, Helen?

You must have a bigger body count than Ted Bundy at this point.