Let's be CNN on election night!

I'm Scott Jennings' tears.

I'm the giant, interactive electoral map.

I'm Wolf Blitzer's key race alert that a race is still too close to call.

I'm too early to call, which is a different thing.

I'm ALL the swing states going to Kamala Harris!

I'm Tucker Carlson's bow tie getting thrown in the trashcan with the remains of his fascist hopes and dreams

No matter who wins, I'm Van's tears.

I'm the throbbing knees and aching back of the ancient Electoral College, groaning in it's decrepitude.

I’m that weird New England town that votes at midnight.

I’m Donna Brazil!

I’m the breathless commentary.

I’m Candy Crowley, watching from my living room, cradling my mug and reminiscing about old times.

I’m John King at the Magic Wall reminding us that we can pinch and zoom on the CNN app. I assume he means the election map, but I hate to assume anything.

I'm Megyn Kelly, furiously pumping away on my rowing machine in my reinforced Hefty garbage bag, cursing and raging at the void as my lord and liege Trump loses in an unprecedented landslide.

I'm Harry Enten, and I'm adorable.

I’m greasy Alex Castellanos, reeking of cigars, sweat and bourbon.

I'm the Donald's fetid diaper, ripe and ready for it's seventh change of the evening

I'm the bomb threat that will clear out the building. Didn't that happen before?

“While we wait for the next update from Georgia, an interesting fact about all Presidential nominees since 2008 who were born in an even year, that is, a year ending in 2 4 6 8 or zero…”

Im Gloria Borger having to speak like a 5th grader so the deplorable audience can follow along.

I'm Dan Crenshaw's eyepatch.

I’m Anderson Cooper still questioning why Joe Biden and Kamala Harris haven’t over the last four years fixed the issues that she is talking about.

I'm Wonky Eye Andy Cohen drunk as fuck thinking it is New Years Eve.

I'm Erin Burnett's helmet coif.

I'm Jeffrey Toobin wondering if I might get away with playing with my dick on live TV.

I'm Gloria Borger's newly tightened visage, ready for prime time.

I'm the ALARMING CHYRONS at the top of each hour with the reveal of the LATEST exit poll results!

They’re gonna be touching screens like never before

I'm Allentown, Pennsylvania.

What was the word you've just said, Allentown? I'm offering you a chance to star in biggest musical Broadway's seen in twenty years and you say: "Allentown?"

Okay, I'm Jerry Orbach.

I'm John Berman, looking perpetually like his dog just died.

I'm celebrity name-dropper Ana Navarro, straight from 'The View' since Sunny Hostin didn't invite me with the rest of the cast to her 'Election Night' get-together at her home in Greenwich.

I'm going to make sure I get plenty of camera time by mentioning my close friendship with Kamala Harris and my new best friend, Liz Cheney. I'll be dropping the names of J-Lo, Ricky Martin, Bad Bunny, Beyonce, and Chappell Roan every chance I get, giving off the impression I'm besties with each of them and I secretly know who each one voted for today. Should the camera stray away from me, I'll be humming 'Pink Pony Club' to show how in touch I am with Zoomers. I'll close out my segment with a Norma Desmond spotlight - looking straight ahead into the camera, and speaking Spanglish to all my people out there 'in the dark'.

And by the way - Sunny can go f^ck herself.

[quote]I’m Candy Crowley, watching from my living room, cradling my mug

I’m Candy "Butterqueen" Crowley, watching from my living room, cradling my fourth mug cake.

That's better.

DL, I don't know what I'd do without you.

I’m Dana Bash ready to cut a bitch. She’s looking at you Anderson.

I'm the cryptic reveal of what exit polls show before the polls close. At the top, I call the obvious winners in deep blue or red states.

I’m Jake Tapper. I may need to go into the Witness Protection Program no matter who wins.

Im calling the race for trump, somewhere around dinner time East coast.

I'm Pat Ashley. I'll be giving CNN the local perspective from PA.

Won't you join me?

🎙️

I’m the low ratings.

I’m the cheapened production and lowered reach of yesteryear,

I'm John King's bubble butt. I'm the real star of this night.

I’m James Carville popping in to say “It’s too close to call, Stupid! And have you seen the new film about me?”

I’m Paul Begala trying to keep a smile on my face while wondering why Carville gets all the attention.

I'm the Jim Bakker Emergency Food Buckets with which the MAGA cult preppers are lining the shelves of their Armageddon Bunkers. You know, for that 1929 stock market crash Mah President™ warned about when Kamala is elected, and all the subsequent lawlessness.

I'm all the Trump sneakers flooding eBay, depreciating in value rapidly.

Where has Gloria Borger been lately?

I’m from Allentown, PA!!!!!!

I'm Anderson Cooper. Don't bother adjusting the color on your big screen TV - I will still look like a vat of flour was dumped on me. Yes, I'm really ghostly white. But I'm the best reporter on this network, so this is what you get for someone making an official announcement "Too close to call".

I'm Jamie Gangel stating the obvious with the delivery of a bombshell

I'm Lady G's drunken slurring and angry shrieking.

I’m the former glory.

I’m Kaitlan Collins. Eat your hearts out, Dana and Gloria.

I am the Breaking News Banner that NEVER GORS AWy! You spend a lot of time ttying to figure out if you are eatching breaking breaking news or old breaking news.

I don't watch CNN, MSNBC has more entertaining hosts.

Who have we forgotten?

R46, letting her quadrennial face lift settle, of course. But I do love her. She is comfort food for this old timer.

I’ll be David Axelrod’s sneering contempt for republican contributors.

I’ll be Don Lemon oh wait

We’re live in Red Oak, Iowa with Foni Joni.

I’m Helen Lawson being removed for the third time from the platform after trying to pleasure herself with the laser pointer while asking Anderson Cooper to talk dirty to her about Barrack’s massive member.

I’m Brianna Keilar’s raised eyebrow.

I'm Kaitlin Collins' missing upper lip

Erin Burnette doesn’t usually do election night, I don’t think.

She is always falling asleep at 7pm so might be too late for her.

I'm Richard Quest.

R62 It's Kuntlan!

I'm John King, as always hiding my Dorchester accent and still trying to avoid my ex Dana on set.

I'm the newest gay CNN reporter. I was sent to some Community Center in the middle of Reading, PA. Please pray for me. Uhh...nevermind..oi papi!!

So, is CNN really going to be in Marion Ohio on election night or is just a random thought on OP's behalf?

I'm the Countdown to Election Night

Erin was on at 1.

I'm the catering. Sorry about the slim pickings - Brianna Keillor is in today.

I'm Wolf Blitzer dramatically announcing who won the State of Wyoming's 3 electoral votes.

I'm David Chalian's unfilled Ozempic script.

I'm the pretenders, subtly raising eyebrows as wait for Wolf to announce his retirement and wonder at his tedious delivery.

I’m Jason Carroll, the least prominent of the CNN gays from 10 years ago, now stuck doing in the ground reports for Congressional races on Long Island. My hairline has receded even more than my time on the air.

I'm the worked up MAGA voter in line, flipping off the Fake News Media and mouthing "FUCK HARRIS!"

I'm Pocket Gay Shimon Prokupecz trying hopelessly to get a few minutes of screen time tonight.

Shimon Prokupesh.

I'm Jeremy Diamond, nowhere to be found because he's at the local glory hole.

I’m Pamala Brown, refusing to sport the same tone of blonde more that once.

I'm Erin Burnett, forming every sentence to be a question and always looking like I smell something funny.

Erin lost her baby weight. She looks great!

I'm Wolf Blitzer. CNN needs to forcibly retire my 1000 year-old ass.

I'm Kaitlin Collins. I'm one of those women who you can tell is a total cunt just by looking at me.

I'm all the middle-aged and elder gay introverts, drinking in their boxers while we wait for the first polls to close and give their tallies.

Speaking of CNN, I am very annoyed that they are trying to charge for their website now.

Fuck them.

I just won't click on CNN anymore.

Use a free CNN livestream URL r86. You get the livefeed, maybe a minute or two behind real time.

I don't want to stream the broadcast, r87, just read the stories on the CNN web page.

Thanks of the tip, though.

I'm CNN's big gun, Boris Sanchez. CNN is bringing me on camera at 9 pm, to appeal to the fraus and the gays. They made sure my shirt is just a wee bit tight to show off my arms and chest. I won't be wearing a jacket, cause the gays don't like me in a jacket.

CNN website is crap anyway. You’re not missing any breaking news or anything beyond surface.

It’s not 1998 anymore.

My shirt's a bit tight too, burrito!

I'm Stanley Tucci, eating panzanella and sipping on a Negroni, somewhere on the Amalfi Coast. Just because you're anxious, it doesn't mean you can't enjoy Italian cuisine!

I’m Dana Bash getting gangbanged by all her ex husbands

Brianna was just on.

I hope she wasn't talking with her mouth full.

R95, watch the clip. It was actually insightful.

I’d love to jack off to pics of Boris Sanchez’s feet

I saw it live, thx, R56. It was entertaining but you have a fangurl's definition of insightful. Come on.

I'm the poppers left in the handicapped stall of the men's room...

With as many gay men as there are a CNN, R99, no, I do not.

I'm Caitlyn Jenner, enough about politics! Let's talk about my new signature perfume " Hidden Candy" !!! Available on HSN and for a limited time you get a free My Pillow with every order!

Where's it hidden exactly?

Erin’s got a lot of junk in her trunk.

I'm Sara Sidner, aka Candy Crowley 2.0.

CNN: More gays and fat girls than any other news network

Where is Wolf Blitzer? Jake Tapper is boring af.

Nevada has signature issues on ballots because young voters do not know how to sign their name on ballots

How fucking sad

R106 And Wolf is a laugh factory?

God, I'd slurp up every drop of Jeremy Diamond's dirty bath water.

I'm Bobbie Battista rolling over in my grave.

Bring back Lynne Russell to CNN. She was the real deal - loved when she reported the news. I can't believe this Dixie Carter look-alike just turned 78 this past Friday.

She's 17 years younger than Wolf!

Who do you think are the big drinkers?

82 years younger than Andrea Mitchell

[quote] And Wolf is a laugh factory?

Tapper is wan and depressing.

They need to fire all the "talent" at CNN and start fresh. CNN was the cream of the crop when it started and stayed that way for many years.

Fire Tapper and Bash.

I'm Kaitlan Collins Clinical Strength Deodorant.

I’m Kate Bolduan. I grew out my hair and kept my girlish figure.

I'm MeAgain McCain ! Hello, everybody - remember me ? My friend SE Cupp snuck me in here, live on air, as this is the only network I haven't damaged yet in the past 15 years. Did y'all know my father was Senator Jon McCain who ran for President in 2008 ?

R120 I have not heard.

Erin is back again, does she sleep?

I can't wait for Van's tears tonight. He's so fucking other planetary, he does not dwell in any world but his own and is incapable of recognizing it. Yet he's kinda hot. I love the Van drama.

This is Pat Ashley signing off. Good night.