Alcoholism

Sadly, I think it's been over for a while. Stay strong and know that you deserve better.

It’s over and I’m sorry. I went through it twice.

No. Grab your shit and move on as fast as you can.

All your answers are in your first sentence.

The best thing you can do for both of you leave.

Are you the guy with the modest trust fund that your partner uses up?

“This isn’t alcoholism, it’s called living in Fargo!”

As written, all we can see are the obvious reasons to end it. See R4. Are there reasons to stay?

How long have you been together? Even back in 2005 when you both stopped drinking? Have you two ever tried therapy, or is your partner opposed to it entirely? Does he has bona fide suicidal ideations, or is he just saying it to upset you?

I agree with R4 that your first sentence is quite telling, but I just wanted to get some more context. Anyone who says they drink because they're "chronically suicidal" is either a bullshitter or legitimately severely depressed (or have some other mental health issue going on). Still, if he refuses to either seek help and keeps lashing out at you for no reason, there's only so much you can do.

I know this is basic, but if your partner's list of negatives is far longer than his list of positives, you may already have your answer – and certainly if you've already tried therapy.

^^^ That's what Ann Landers used to say: Are you better off with him or without him?

Then act accordingly.

[quote] He even started smoking recently, despite the fact that we both quit in 2005

Well, you've been in this for 20+ years, so you've allowed yourself to become his co-dependent with him heaping blame and guilt on you. You'll probably need help with that yourself, so seek that and get out.

Best of luck.

Yes, co-dependent. OP could break up with the current partner only to find another alcoholic.

The style of fighting you describe is a trait of alcoholics. Deep inside they know they are causing problems, but they work very hard to blame others around them for their troubles.

“You don’t really love me.”

“You don’t understand my problems.”

Classic

I would never ever have anything to do with anyone who has ever had a substance abuse problem. In fact, I will never date anyone who drinks alcohol ever again. I will never ever end up in this situation. We have been together for a long time. We used to smoke cigarettes and quit in 2005, but now he has started again. His alcoholism is three years old and out of the blue.

He does have chronic, treatment resistant depression. He brings a new meaning to the word downer.

Oh, and he stopped working completely 3-4 years ago and utterly refuses to do it.

OP - my bet is that your partner is relaxing/chilling with a drink and you come on the scene and get in his face with accusations trying to shame him. There’s nothing worse than a holier-than-thou teetotaler passing judgment on others.

I honestly feel sorry for your partner.

[quote]He does have chronic, treatment resistant depression. He brings a new meaning to the word downer.

OP, there may still at least be hope. I know several people with treatment-resistant depression who tried ketamine therapy, and saw nearly immediate – and MASSIVE – improvements. This was a few years ago now, but I'm still stunned by how quickly it turned them around. If you two stay together or not, I would STRONGLY encourage you to try & convince your partner to try it.

The NYT link below explains more about it if you're unfamiliar with it (free link btw).

OP, ALANON is going to tell you to start fixing yourself with or without your partner.

You’re feeding off toxic shit and taking verbal abuse. You need to detach and get back to tending to yourself.

[quote]OP - my bet is that your partner is relaxing/chilling with a drink and you come on the scene and get in his face with accusations trying to shame him. There’s nothing worse than a holier-than-thou teetotaler passing judgment on others. I honestly feel sorry for your partner.

I honestly feel sorry for your mother, considering she gave birth to an utterly warped asshole (and obvious addict rationalizing it via lashing out at "holier-than-thou" types).

My first love was a drunk. I made the mistake of waiting until I watched him die from it, after enduring his begging me to kill him, his accidents, the discovery of his (bizarre) lies, and the risks his drunk behavior exposed me to.

Walk.

R15. "Holier-than-thou"? Interesting...

Get him on semaglutide

When's the last time you two had sex?

I agree with r15. OP sounds like an insufferable nag.

OP, R21 actually isn't kidding (and btw that's the generic name for Ozempic). They've already established that it can successfully suppress "cravings," and while they're obviously mainly focused on food, it seems that the drug also helps control compulsions to drink or drug in excess. Ketamine therapy can definitely work if he's suffering from major depressive disorder, which seems likely, but Ozempic can help keep him on the wagon if he can get clean.

R18 - Actually, you sound *EXACTLY* like my mother! She was a vitriolic Harpy who would never accept responsibility for any of her actions, nor understand the consequences of her poor choices/behavior. Always played “The Victim” while making others’ miserable.

[quote]I know several people with treatment-resistant depression who tried ketamine therapy, and saw nearly immediate – and MASSIVE – improvements.

R15 and R23 are alcoholics

You are correct, R27. In Alkie World, it's always somebody else's fault and always some else's responsibility.

[quote] Is this relationship over or possibly salvageable?

You make him sound like such a winner.

I can see why you'd want to hang on to him.

OP — ignore R15 and others who blame and shame you. You know the answer. I recommend therapy for YOU alone. He has made his choice. It hurts, I know.

I was married for 30 years — were stoners in college — who wasn’t — I had to stop drinking .. I didn’t care if he drank or not but he wasn’t drunk often around me.

Midlife crisis hit — many issues — first and foremost he went back to weed and his knows what else .

It changed him. He was a cruel uncaring ass who walked out and never looked back.

He asked in subtle ways if I wanted to smoke etc. he didn’t care I had gone thru hell, including addiction to prescription drugs .

I’m not saying the would happen to you .

Just remember that the hallmark of every alcoholic is selfishness . It doesn’t change. You sound like a nice guy . I’m sure you’re much younger than I.

So move forward knowing all you can do is change yourself . Good luck . Ignore the nay sayers and the haters .

Your strength threatens them — it highlights their own inability to be courageous and act in your own best interests, no matter what anyone says

If I had to guess, you have a preoccupied attachment style and your partner is either dismissing or disorganized. Stable, very common and miserable. If you do leave, which in my view you should, make sure to work on your own stuff before you get in another relationship because you'll be pulled towards another person of the same type

Get out while you can.

So he had a breakdown in the pandemic? Did he start drinking due to covid restrictions? Did he get covid? People with mental health problems are hit hard by a covid infection as their immune systems are typically weakened by the stress of being mentally ill, plus covid causes inflammation in the brain that intensifies depression.

If you want to consider working through this, maybe get him checked out at a long covid clinic. But ultimately it's your right to end this relationship if it's making you miserable. If you are asking for permission to leave: here it is. You can leave him.

He may stop drinking one day (not anytime soon) but his behavior won't change for years even if he goes into therapy which it doesn't sound like he's ready to do. Are you in therapy? Have you at least tried Al-Anon meetings? You're the one who needs help taking care of yourself because it sure sounds like you're not dong that.

Either make peace with the situation or move on. Life is too short and you still have lots to live that can be in a peaceful setting.

He tried ketamine therapy and had no response. Eventually, all that will be left is ECT.

I would very much like to put him on Ozempic but it costs a thousand dollars a month here and we can’t afford it. I have seen those promising studies that find that the desire for alcohol is diminished.

OP, I’d like to know what boundaries you have set so far.

Common sense ones would be:

You don’t argue with him when he’s drinking; you’re talking to booze. Let him know you won’t waste your time

He doesn’t drive anything with your name on the title or on the insurance. No questions

You control when you arrive and leave. He does not control your movements

You do not break your commitments for his crisis. You “circle back” later to lend support.

I hate my 40+ years partner. Where the hell do I go now??

[quote] He tried ketamine therapy and had no response. Eventually, all that will be left is ECT. I would very much like to put him on Ozempic but it costs a thousand dollars a month here and we can’t afford it. I have seen those promising studies that find that the desire for alcohol is diminished.

You sound more like a caregiver than a romantic partner.

We are all talking about how YOU can fix yourself and you circle back to how you can fix HIM.

R14, ketamine treatments are almost a miracle cure for depression and substance abuse, sometimes in as little as one session. It is becoming more available. It might be worth looking into.

He obviously doesn’t love me. He hates it when I talk and he loathes talking to me in recent years because it always revolves around his drinking. As far as he is concerned, I should just shut up and take it. Everything would be wonderful if I didn’t ask any questions about his drinking or his whereabouts.

We have had some physical fights. He is six inches taller and weighs a hundred pounds more than I do. He has made me so angry I am ashamed and shocked at how crazy I have become. I have slapped him across the face several times. The way he speaks to me is so dishonest and so contemptuous. He lies with every word and blames me for everything. I hate who I have become here. He is strong enough to grab my arms and hold them so that I can’t hit him when he drives me berserk. He certainly isn’t afraid of me. He doesn’t stop goading me and baiting me anytime we speak. It is like he wants us to fight. This whole thing is so sordid I often feel like I want it over.

No, neither of us got Covid. He had a rich aunt who was supposed to leave him a few million only she lived too long and got sick of some of his behaviour. It is obvious that he has been disinherited to everyone but him.

Is he a long-time meal ticket for you? Does he resemble in anyway the person you first became entangled with? I bet not.

You need to get away from this person. I hope you're some place where people realize that domestic violence doesn't only affect female partners. He sounds life-threatening. Attaching a link. You do not deserve this behavior.

You're either an EST or someone who gets off on drama, because any sane person would have left this situation as described long ago instead of coming to DL for validation.

This is bullshit - nobody is this stupid.

[quote] Those who retire from work late in life tend to live the longest. That is, no matter when people retire, there’s a high rate of death soon after.

This sounds familiar.

OP are you the guy who is on disability who lives in the apartment in Toronto that he can’t afford to leave?

I wish I was stuck in Toronto. I’d be out of the US and be able to find men that don’t look like truck drivers. Granted what I pay now would get me a bathroom there.

Get the hell out, he aint gonna change, I been through this with my alcoholic ex. He sounds much the same right down to the fights. Seven years of my life I wasted on that bullshit and fuckery before I bailed. Dont waste any more of your life on him

And once you're free of him, DO go to Al Anon, I did and its the best thing I could of done for myself. They truly understand what you've been though like nobody else can

OP, what are you waiting for? Do you enjoy being in this situation? If not, I cannot imagine why you are staying in it.

I hate being in this situation. But I can’t financially afford to leave. My partner knows that which is why he doesn’t feel obligated to quit drinking. How do people ever escape if they don’t have the money? My parents are long dead my surviving relatives are far away.

Stop making threads about this, over and over, if you “can’t afford to leave.”

You said you were Canadian before. I guess I assumed you were in Toronto.

Also you need to get a job if you want to get out of that situation.

You're the one with the problem, OP. You are, in 90's terms, a co-dependent. Your life depends on what he does and doesn't do. You live to fix him and are unable to figure out how to take care of yourself effectively, regardless of what he does. You probably take care of your needs by acting surreptitiously while you continue to focus most of your energy on fixing him, your identified patient. You probably come from a family dynamic where you learned to derive your self-esteem from what you can do for others, the broken-winged birds you surround yourself with. The solution of this problem has nothing to do with your partner, it is entirely up to you.

I used to be like you but R55 is right, OP.

Get a job and go from there. Look into some cheap housing like renting a room. Heck, you could look for a caregiving situation that provides housing.

Just GET OUT and go to Al Anon NOW. And Coda.org, both have online meetings, see if you can find in person ones too, you need to get out and around other people. This situation is only going to get worse. You will have more clarity when you are not living in it. No one is coming to save you but you, OP and he may well put you out, you need a PLAN. Get it together. You may need medication yourself. Look into DV resources for men in your area, you might luck into a support group or a counselor.

Did you ever work? What did you do?

[quote]We have had some physical fights. He is six inches taller and weighs a hundred pounds more than I do. He has made me so angry I am ashamed and shocked at how crazy I have become. I have slapped him across the face several times.

OP, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt for now, but having a far-larger partner whom you slap viciously across the face reads like classic EST fodder.

[quote]He obviously doesn’t love me. He hates it when I talk and he loathes talking to me in recent years because it always revolves around his drinking.

Like most others I'd strongly advise therapy, if only for YOU to resolve this one point. I'm not going to try & psychoanalyze you, but it is entirely possible that the issue here is that he doesn't love you. I suspect it's ENTIRELY that he hates himself too much to feel like he "deserves" love, either yours or anyone's, but – again – I have no way of knowing for certain, and that's something you should discuss with a therapist.

[quote]I hate being in this situation. But I can’t financially afford to leave. My partner knows that which is why he doesn’t feel obligated to quit drinking. How do people ever escape if they don’t have the money?

While it's admittedly still somewhat new for gay couples to be in this situation – or, rather, gay couples being able to get HELP for it, as opposed to solely hetero ones – most cities of decent size have shelters for battered partners. They used to be specific to women & children, but now that we can marry as well, they're open to ALL abuse victims (regardless of gender, and emotional abuse counts). My mother volunteered with a group of this type for over 20 years, and she helped hundreds of people over that time. These shelters give you a place to stay until you can make other arrangements on your own.

Btw I don't know if this is at all the situation in Canada, but in the US we now have several million migrants who've arrived in recent years, and outreach groups helped many of them secure employment. Even if you have no real possessions in your name aside from a car, you could still at minimum do something like drive for Uber. (Until you can find more permanent employment.) About 80% of the Uber drivers in my area are male and only speak Spanish, which basically guarantees that they're not documented. (In the US, that is. You need to be a citizen or permanent resident to drive for them in most other countries.)

*It is entirely possible that the issue here is that he doesn't love you.

FUCK. Meant to say it's possible the issue ISN'T that he DOESN'T love you, and merely hates himself. (Apologies for the typo and double negative.)

It is beyond time for you to leave, OP.

Try a few Al Anon meetings, or get help in other ways, but you must leave. Now.

And do not be the kind of person who can't be single for more than 3 seconds......take a year or two and be by yourself, and understand your actions and your weaknesses so you don't repeat this pattern in your next relationship(s).

What is EST?

R60 a fake story.

Too much shit. Suffer with it or get out.

R60, it's an acronym for Elaborate Scenario Troll. I don't think we get many (if any) nowadays, but they were pretty much trolling of the innocent variety. Given this site's crowd of severely fussy/anal-retentive queens prizes etiquette above all else aside from uncut pinga, they were unhappy when people started spinning truly absurd scenarios: "I'm falling in love with my father-in-law" is one, and this guy was married to a woman.

Still, one of the longest and best was called "Once Around the Garden," fictionally written by someone who owns a restaurant with his husband. The "garden" meant the salad bar, and the OP wanted to know what we thought about limiting to one trip around it. It had 400 follow-up posts IIRC. He later fessed up to creating it and numerous other lengthy threads out of pure bullshit.

Does his dick still work?

R63 They were well done back in the day.

It’s only salvageable if your partner voluntarily goes to rehab, OP. And even then, it takes about a year sober (sometimes longer) for a person in recovery to completely feel solid about their sobriety, physical & mental health, which is why so many recommend no serious relationship until after a year sober.

Personally, I don’t necessarily agree with remaining single for the first year of sobriety, but I do understand why it’s so oftentimes, recommended.

I’d let this person go, OP. There’s absolutely no way I’d date a person who drinks and/or does drugs of any sort, whatsoever. I’m not condemning people who do, as I think there’s nothing wrong with those who choose to do so, but it’s absolutely not something I can be around or something I’d want to be around.

Move on. Don’t you want to be around people who are mature enough to handle their shit without substance abuse? You need to look out for number one, OP.

Just in case you have forgotten who number one is? It’s YOU.

THIS is OP’s boyfriend.

If this OP is the same person who has posted before, they are never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to leave their partner. They want attention, not help and not to change the misery in which they wallow.

They're also broke, and extremely codependent, and even if they did leave, they'd find another drunken sad loser and repeat the pattern.

R68 wait I thought OP was the well off one and the partner was dependent on him.

I'll drink to that!

The OP is the same one who posted about hating "Catcher in the Rye," hating white people with facial piercings, and whining over "poisoned letters of reference."

What an Extraordinarily Sad Time she has had.

R41 other than constantly badgering your BF about his drinking, and badgering him about where he has been, and physically assaulting him by slapping him across the face—-let me stop there—-now it sounds like you are a female—not a man—-not sure that changes the advice but it might. Are you going thru the change of life ? Hot flashes?

And as far as we know your BF has not knocked all your teeth out after you keep slap ing him and he has not come to DL to start a thread talking and complaining about you.

I may understand why he drinks.

If this is real, including the slappy update, OP needs to get out somehow. And then stay single for a few years minimum — with therapy strongly recommended.

Have you tried drinking?

Only reading out of boredom to see how ridiculous the situation would become, but this viciously slapped ME:

"You probably come from a family dynamic where you learned to derive your self-esteem from what you can do for others, the broken-winged birds you surround yourself with."

Ooh and ouch. My mother told me once, 'you don't have to rescue EVERY bird with a broken wing.' Yet my siblings are wholly my responsibilty though, right mom? Good training for the above.

🎵 Just a vacancy. Love don’t live here anymoreeeee 🎼