Let's be the Datalounge Resort & Casino, just off the Strip in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada

I'm the Blackjack tables. The croupiers are all black and named Jack, well-endowed, and NAKED.

I'm the Fat Whores Buffet and I have a strict 90-minute time limit.

It's 120 degrees.

I’m Henderson adjacent

"Sir, the Vicki Lawrence show is sold out."

I'm the new permanent home of the Liberace Museum.

I'm the dodgy AC that won't go below 24c.

I'm the Gay & Bearding Troll screaming 'it's PR' at every celebrity couple who rolls up at the casino.

I'm the Autumn Harvest/Once Around the Garden salad bar at the Fat Whores buffet

I'm the "high limit" slots room where the minimum bet is 25 cents.

I’m housekeeping, just called to the restrooms off the main floor.

I'm the spa with a huge wet area where straight men lounge nude all day long stroking their huge cocks waiting for other men to come and lend a helping hand, mouth or hole. I have no entry fee for guests of the hotel.

I'm the flea market room. After you purchase an item, you are eligible to spin a wheel for kickbacks ranging from 5% to 100% - Free! The casino covers 75% of the kickback and the consignee swallows 25%. There are old timey slot machines and themed slot machines such as "Dish Queen!", "Fiestaware®!" and "Vintage Playgirl". There are daily guessing games - such as Name the Obscure Cutlery. There is an overpriced tearoom but the tea and cakes are in fact impeccable.

You will find the "loosest slots in town" here, without a doubt.

I'm the caftan section of the gift shop, which fills the entire store. Sizes XXXL and up only!

I'm the Ver-Sayce Boutique filled with knock-offs of luxury designer goods and staffed with the most gorgeous and dumbest shopbottoms.

[quote] I'm the "It's a Living" penny slots by the front desk and I am busy 24/7.

I'm the nutty old incel who shoots the machine after hearing the theme song blaring from it for the 100th time as I sat at a nearby slot machine.

I'm the restrooms, busy with illicit sex, glory holes and lots of caftans flapping.

I'm the bread pudding on the Fat Whores Buffet.

I'm the free deck of cards won after earning 69 points. I contain images of gay pornstars from the 80s.

I'm the Polynesian Room that serves Trader Vic's classic cocktails and cuisine under exquisitely dim and flattering lighting.

[quote] I'm the "It's a Living" penny slots by the front desk and I am busy 24/7.

I'm the Barrie Youngfellow bonus that pays $10!

R23. I'm the Nancy Beebe mini game where you have to select the right cabinet where Howard the Chef is hiding.

And upon winning R22's bonus, this shining image appears.....

I'm the Fat Whores Food Court, for late night binges when the Fat Whores Buffet is closed.

I'm the Gabinetto Segreto of Napoli's satellite museum, The Las Vegas Secret Room, featuring priceless erotic art on loan from the world's premier collections.

I'm Crystal Bernard, excluded from the "It's a Living" slot machine bonuses. Only original cast members allowed.

I'm the Temple Grandin Tactile Experience! No fat whores refused.

I'm the reasonably priced Cava Cocktail and Tapas bar staffed by Spanish Himbos.

I’m the Cirque du Soleil extravaganza, HISSSSS.

I'm the Golden Girls Lanai Lounge! Lindsey Graham is one our best customers.

I'm the Minnelli Dinner Theatre. Three different shows run year round, new every year, one each themed on Liza, Judy and Vincente Minnelli. This year's Liza show is the "Liza Minnelli David Gest Wedding" Immersive Experience.

I'm Madame Tussauds Wax Museum of Celebrity Plastic Surgery Disasters

I'm the Rick's Café, which all guests refer to as the Has Been Lounge. I seat a maximum 70 people and I book amusing has beens, and some mega stars who do surprise appearances in this intimate space. In fact I have cachet, and artists are happy to book and play to such a small crowd in Las Vegas..

I'm the new floor show opening soon in our main showroom: a musical tribute to "What's My Line" and Dorothy Kilgallen.

Sorry folks. You must be at least 80 years old to attend this show.

Note: Spacing between tables is extra wide to accommodate walkers and wheel chairs.

Also, the show is sold out for the next 18 months.

I'm the Mrs. Patsy Ramsey Child Care Center.

I was the maî·tre d' at the premier restaurant at the facility (Mur's No. 2) until it closed and was sealed shut for a year for health purposes.

We discovered that one of the dishwashers was a nuthouse escapee was spooging into the all the oysters just before they were served, rubbing pork chops on his ass and tossing disgusting things into the dishes. A real obsessive nut case.

He actually thought he ran the place and had changed the name to PRŪN.

Mur's No. 1 had had a deadly grease fire about two years earlier and the bitch hotel owner wanted to show "our iconic tradition of gambling heritage," plus she only had to have one fluorescent tube replaced to update the name.

I'm the biweekly gay sauna night in the Doso Doyabi Spa. Named Doso Doyabi because the spa is ALL white decor. The sauna only operates in rooms with hard surfaces of lacquered wood, tile, glass, lucite, and painted metal. Men under 25 are admitted free. 25-34 year olds, half price. Verified size meat (verification performed by spa staff) receive free entry AND a $50 Gaming Chip.

I'm the "You've Had Worse Things In Your Mouth" fast-casual eatery.

I'm Miss Warwick's residency.

I'm the housekeeper Lupe. I keep several sizes of toilet plunger and a snake on my maid's cart. It's easier this way so I don't have to call maintenance when the DLers clog the toilets with their giant BMs.

I'm Chad. It's Day 2 of this Las Vegas trip and I've already blown my daily slots budget ($50). I'm headed to the Hoover Dam. Anybody else want to go?

I'm Poppers, the sex positive lounge in the rear of the hotel!

I'm the orchid-filled talking bird and palm conservatory. I run on greywater from the resort. The birds have filthy mouths and know many lines from classic movies beloved by gays.

I'm the manager of the booking office...And I'm sorry but we have to cancel our upcoming event "porn stars, where are they now. Because we can't find any alive ones to attend

I'll be hosting the "I'm 60 but everyone thinks I'm 35 " Pageant

I'm "Edna's Editables," the pot dispensary on the other side of the conservatory.

I’m the best selling, world famous, original recipe Mitchfest Nut Loaf served by our waitress, Sarah, twirling in her vagina cape.

R47 "edibles"

I'm the DL on the DL Cigar and Cocktail lounge. Only closet-cases allowed.

I’m the Vivian Vance High Roller Club. Membership is by invite only.

I’m the poppers and lube displayed next to the souvenir dice and cards in the “Have You Found a Treasure? Gift Shoppe.”

I'm the Eldergay Discount. But the twist is you have to admit your age and also that you don't in fact look 25.

Obviously, I've never been claimed.

I'm the monthly Real Oscars Ceremony, where we must determine the proper winners for each year, since obviously the original winner has never deserved it.

The rumors are true. There have been homicides.

I'm the hard fought and successful battle to steal the annual Desert Duals college wrestling championships from the Flamingo.

I'm the Everard Baths Memorial Spa.

I'm "Uncle Arthur's", a Paul Lynde inspired piano bar where sassy performing showtune queens lead the crowd in uproarious fun!

I'm The Hard Cock Cafe. Instead of music memorabilia, the walls are adorned with plaster casts of all your favorite pornstars' members.

I'm the bedside pencil for dialing room service on the rotary phone.

I'm a hospitality innovation: Guaranteed Bed Bug Free rooms. The resort has two bedbug sniffing dogs that inspect every room after every guest checkout.

Our rooms also feature hardwood floors or terrazzo, and all surfaces are completely and easily washable.

In another innovation, all bathrooms have windows, a design challenge and huge expense. And a few bathrooms have floor length picture windows and glass walled showers, and these rooms are only booked to handsome men.

Broadway doesn't go for booze or dope, but Vega$ sure as fuck does! I'm higher than a kite for my shows in the Helen Lawson Memorial Auditorium for Spinsters eight times a week! The nose candy kicks in WAY harder than the dolls ever did!!!

I'm the three cartons of eggs in each guest room's mini-fridge, there for the purpose of being thrown at the hideously tacky Trump Hotel across the street.

Despite being one of the world's most famous people, everyone mistakes me for a drag queen! Even the Gays!

I'm the lube dispenser in each room's shower!

I'm the newly added franchise donut shop "Lisa Whelchel's Winchel's."

I'm the monkeypox clinic in the basement. Ask the concierge.

Desert Duels!

I'm the in-house pharmacy. We're still on the DEA's shit list for importing a larger quantity of PReP pills than any other entity on the planet, but hey, fucking ain't a crime!

I'm the Forever Golden festival, hosted by dewy ingenue Catherine Zeta Jones!

I'm the commemorative Howard Hughes jar of piss given to each hotel guest. I'm really just piss from the manager's twink boyfriend, but the old queens that stay here won't know the difference.

I'm the Gentlemen's Lounge - a hustler bar in disguise.

Put the price of your trick on your hotel bill!

Night of 1000 Vivians - the largest and most beloved Vivian Vance event in the world.

I'm the free doorstop for those who would like to observe the open door policy.

I'm the soft butch sous chef in the restaurant.

I'm the baked potato bar.

I'm Roxane Gay's Exhaustion Lounge. Make your own damn cocktail, we're too exhausted!

I’m the Neneh Cherry residency.

I'm Dolly Parton's Lady Ham quick service restaurant.

I'm Roxane Gay's chair.

I'm always under a GREAT deal of pressure!

For those who disdain the Fat Whores Buffet, I am the exclusive steakhouse Le Cunt Room.

When you arrive, our maitre d' Hisstopher will ask "Have you a reservation?," and when you say no, he'll sigh, look at the totally empty dining room, snap a couple of menus off his podium, and say, "Follow me and we'll see what we can do."

And he'll seat you at the table that's closest to the bathroom.

At Le Cunt Room, when you order prime rib, the server inquires, "Regular cut, gambler's cut, or Le Cunt cut?"

I'm the Sports Book. It's the smallest one in town.

I'm the Bai Ling Roof Garden.

I’m the narrow doorways and the doorless stalls equipped with toilet paper slot machines.

I’m the National Finals of the ‘Oh dear!’ Grammar Bee on in the event forum this weekend.

I'm the Helen Lawson boutique in the shops, sandwiched between Prada and Versace. The door mechanism sprays each customer with drenching amounts of Helenesque as they enter. Helen Lawson Funko Pops - BOGO this week only.

I'm the penny slots over in the dark corner, near the entrance to the parking structure.

My chairs are coated in a nacreous layer of dried you-know-what.

I'm the High Point instant decaffeinated coffee that's in every room of this off-Strip hotel.

I'm the DL Baby Tastes AYCB Buffet.

Breakfast: fruit (bananas, only) and corn flakes with skim milk. Instant coffee or brewed Yuban.

Lunch: sandwich bar (Wonder bread, only) with processed cheese slices and Oscar Mayer cold cuts. No mustard (too spicy). Mayo is the only condiment.

Dinner: chicken fingers and Ore-Ida fries (no seafood, whatsoever). Dessert: a scoop of ice cream (flavor of the day) in a stainless steel bowl.

I reek like an adult bookstore/arcade from the 1990's – stale cigarette smoke, BO, cheap cologne, and budussy.

There's an arcade in the casino too!

Now with MORE nacreous layers of permacum!

I'm the shrieking eldergay: "THEY HAVE ONE DAY AT A TIME PENNY SLOTS!!!!"

R93. When you get the 5 plumbing wrenches, the machine plays "This is it!"

I’m the decorator’s vision of a Stephan King Overlook Hotel - the carpet is spot-on disquieting but we had to source all furniture from Ponderosa Steak House liquidators.

I am the hot Latino that brought a replacement hairdryer to your room after you notified housekeeping that yours was broken. I fill out my uniform really well and I saw the little smile on your face when you answered the door. I apologize for the inconvenience and then I leave. Yes, I felt that brief connection too. Enjoy your stay in Vegas

^ I'm the come hither look and the quarter tip left on the dresser for said hunky Latino.

I’m the exclusive boutique shops catering to the most upscale of lesbians. These include: Birkenstock, Canes and Munitions, Plaid to the Bone, Nutloaf Nirvana, and of course, Dykes, Dildos, and Diesel.

Pop Up Event of the Week: Marge’s Muffin Munch!!!!

I’m the hot Latino hotel worker. I’m 26. I just delivered a blow dryer to some old fart in room 409. No tip.

This is "Friendly Ed" - Gold Star Gay Guest level membership. Insider tip: Diego is a doll, but note that he wears Grand Axis push out undies and bulge prosthetics by Steve Grand.

I'm the ping-pong table.

I'm the Doxy Pep Troll, gulping down my meds before taking ten loads. Breed me, daddy! Poz guys welcome!

[Quote] Mayo is the only condiment. - R90

Which brand of mayo I demand to know?!

[Quote] I am the hot Latino that brought a replacement hairdryer to your room after you notified housekeeping that yours was broken. I fill out my uniform really well and I saw the little smile on your face when you answered the door. R96

You really should lift caftan and present hole. A little smile is amateur hour.

I'm the eldergay at the Fat Whores Buffet pasta station demanding to know if the pasta is rinsed!

I'm the lack of wire hangers in the guest room closets.

In the lobby there is no reception desk.

There is panel with four panelists.

I'm the Hissing Booth, where young men can determine their level of hotness and the exact level of resentment it causes in eldergays.

I'm the special slots room where all the seats have been replaced with rimming chairs. Slot player enter free; others pay by the hour.

I'm Joan, Reception Desk manager and bell boy supervisor. You will not check in before 3pm and you will check out no later than 11am. Be prepared for a spot check of your luggage if you bring anything in a garment bag or laundry from the dry cleaner. And so help me, if I find a wire hanger, you'll be scrubbing the floor of your entire suite with a toothbrush!

I'm the concierge. A nervous man approaches me, sets down a stack of $50 bills, and says sotto voce, "I'm wondering if you could have a film sent to my room. It's for people of ... [italic]unusual[/italic] tastes."

"Happy to help, sir. What's the title?"

"Well — it's not technically legal in this country. That's the problem. And I don't want to attract the attention of the FBI."

The concierge pockets the money and says, "That isn't a problem at all, sir. What's the title?"

The man looks both ways and whispers, "The bootleg of Suzanne Somers' one-woman show, 'The Blonde in the Convertible.'"

Linda Lavin on the Organ, Nightly

An Evening with Ruta Lee...Back to Her Rutes!

I'm the Poo Shoes washing station out back for when the terlets overflow. The DL concierge will take care of special satin shoes.

Fried Egg Titties - this week's special at the Fat Whore Buffet in honor of Miss Bonnie Franklin!

Our waiters will give you a good Ann Romano slap upon request.

I'm the in-house masseur. I can't tell you how many times Kevin Spacey and John Travolta tried to make me give them a "happy ending"

I'm Darfur Orphan — the Experience and the proprietors built a special performance venue out in the sand behind the parking lot.

I’m the Fred Schneider in a B-52s tribute band playing on Wednesday afternoon, coming back and pretending I’m really him on Friday night. I don’t get laid.

I'm the local eldergay knocking back $2 Bud Lights (with a 25 cent tip!) and boring the bartender about the glory days of the Debbie Reynolds Casino.

" ... and JoAnne Worley was in the showroom for two weeks. Lord, I would have loved to see her play Dolly ... "

I’m the Chris burrous memorial massage parlor. Complimentary disco lights and crisco in every room. Party favors and Gatorade extra!

I'm open mic night at the Lounge. Kevin Lanflisi will stop by to do some Christian slam poetry, then share some gossip about Aaron Rodgers

This is turning into a big hotel!

I’m the mixologist who can take you on a drinking tour of the world!

I get punched int the face every time I offer anything other than gin.

Were the no fats, fems or trannies sings that litter the hotel.

*signs

A great new addition to the large gaming floor: the Danny Thomas’ Glass Table Lounge. Filled with cozy club chairs and strong glass coffee tables, people can watch the talented scat matrons re-enact the mid-20th century taboo favorite. For a small fee, people can go “Danny Style” and lay underneath the glass tables for a first-person view of the million-dollar deuces being dropped. Be sure to leave a large tip afterwards!

I'm Wednesday afternoon at the Fat Whores Buffet. Once a week, we feature our special "Sows at the Trough" office pot luck-themed menu! Make sure to see the ice sculpture of Heifertiti at the entrance.

I'm the Hammurabi Cinema. We feature only pre-Code epics about Sumerian farmwives.

I'm a Datalounge Klan Granny. Whenever I lose at roulette, I blame Meghan Markle.