The Goonies Sequel:

Chunk will return as a still-annoying thin version of himself, pushing weight-loss supplements and urine therapy. From time to time he will forcibly remove food from other characters while they are actually eating it.

Data will be pretty much the same person the actor was in Loki, i.e., the same person the actor is in real life.

Mouth will be living down in a van by the river with Candy, Delight and Hurricane. Hilariously, it will never be confirmed by the script if these three are hookers, beagles or cacti.

Stef, Mouth's estranged wife, will be raising their twins on the salary she makes shucking crawdads at Sweet Sue's Summer Boil, a corn and crab shack only slightly less filthy than the Lighthouse Lounge. Her acrimonious nature and the fact that her husband is nicknamed "Mouth" have led the community at large to refer to her as "Stef Infection".

Andy will have married Troy and developed a Xanax habit. She will be Very Surprised to see the others and will wonder How Long They're Planning on Staying as she has a Pilates conference tomorrow she's still packing for.

Troy will be gay and putting the moves on Brad and any other dude he can whenever Andy is blotto.

Brad will also be gay, but will have no interest in Troy, having scooped up a limber forestry expert (Robert Downey Jr.). Together the two of them check the coastal forest for the emergence of foreign lichens.

Mikey will co-own the plumbing company Mouth's dad owned and still get tongue-tied over words of more than two syllables. His wife Claire (Molly Ringwald) will roll her eyes affectionately as part of a completely unfunny running gag.

The storyline will revolve around the gradual realization by the original cast that the Goon Docks sucked and that living in that rickety hellhole destroyed their lives. It ends with the town in flames as Cyndi Lauper closes with a cover of "Candle in the Wind".

There will be a heartfelt cameo by the Fratelli brothers, mourning their beloved Mama, whose formidable likeness, represented by a framed portrait that could never have existed in real life, continues to mutter advice a la Mrs. Bates.

Sloth's actor is, alas, deceased, so the character will be written out of the script. The explanation will be that he is now Astoria's representative in state legislation (thus the Baby Ruth vending machines on every corner).

Corey will remake Cyndi Lauper’s classic “Goonies R Good E-Nuff” for the soundtrack.

There is no way that this will not suck.