Let's create a Madonna film

“Evita II”

Madonna plays Evita’s corpse during its tumultuous post-mortem adventure. She sings from beyond the grave via VO new songs by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice.

New songs include:

“Heaven High”

“Argentina’s Angel”

“My Body, My Soul”

Let’s not.

It's curious to me that Madonna, having white-knuckled her way into pop superstardom, hasn't continued to try to have more success in films. She's had a few performances that are pretty good, in Desperately Seeking Susan, Evita, and A League of Their Own, and on television, she was very funny on Will and Grace. Most of her other performances have been forgettable or memorable for how bad her acting was, a prime example being Swept Away - some of the worst acting I've ever seen. It seems by now, she would have figured out the formula, probably that she needs the right project and a strong director. I guess she's simply unwilling to cede total control over a project or ever be vulnerable enough to turn in another good performance. But doesn't it gall her that she didn't ever achieve a respectable acting resume'?

I think she finally gave up on acting because the criticism couldn't be ignored. Evita seemed like a redemption of sorts, for past failures, but then she dashed any hope she had of capitalizing on that momentum by making awful films. She chose a lot of terrible projects in her career, which was part of the problem, but she also didn't have acting ability that came naturally. She could present amazingly well onscreen for a music video, but 9 times out of 10 when called upon to actually act, it was obvious she was a hopelessly self-conscious mess.

Desperately Seeking Susan remains her best film and performance for me. She played herself, and the performance is mostly natural and works well. I think that had a lot to do with her being at the start of her career with less media scrutiny.

Evita was good, too, but basically a big music video, which she excels at making.

Dick Tracy is probably the only other movie she did where I liked her performance, although there are a couple of moments where she needs to execute a dramatic line reading and it borders on being bad. Still, overall she is good in it.

The Next Best Thing is among the worst films she ever made. The movie itself is bad, but her acting is awful, too. Ditto with Swept Away. I think, after those two attempts, she decided to cut her losses and focus on music and touring.

[quote]It's curious to me that Madonna, having white-knuckled her way into pop superstardom, hasn't continued to try to have more success in films.

Honey, how many box office bombs do you want her to have before you realize like she has that she can’t act?

Next Best Thing is stupid-Madge flouncing around the Jons market in Weho in yoga pants with her stupid “British” accent.

Desperately Seeking Silicone

Who’s that Cougar?

After mommy blogger, Janice Goldstein, reads an entry by bored fashion designer Paula Tyson about the joys of public sex, Janice becomes enamored with the thought of it all. Each week, Paula reveals the intimate public fuck sessions of she and her much younger beau, Nepo baby, Lain Swanson—ranging the G train, to Central Park, to Tavern on the Green. Paula doesn’t reveal her identity outright. But leave hints for the site’s users. Janice becomes obsessed with Paula’s stories and the mysterious identity of the women behind the posts. She becomes convinced Paula is her reclusive neighbor, retired Vogue columnist(whom we see as Madonna). No one ever sees her leave the apartment, only a rotating crop of young Calvin Klein models, pad thai and Godiva chocolate Uber eats deliveries. After a murder takes place in the apartment, this ferocious black comedy whodunit becomes a tale of wits.

Anna Kendrick as Janice

Jacob Elordi as Lain

Whatever Happen to Aunt Madge?

A well known whore goes missing……or at least her original face, lips, and ass. Follow the trail of broken hearts, rubbers, and relevancy as the world seeks out Whatever Happened to Aunt Madge?

Would You Adam and Eve It?

Period comedy set in Victorian-era London Town, directed by Guy Ritchie.

Madonna stars as buxom ageing Italian wench Maria Cisero, she's escaped from poverty in the rural homeland and whored her way up the society ladder with her cunning personality, sharp tongue and theatrical skills.

She meets a rakish younger impresario, George Fitchley. He casts her in his latest production, a saucy caper set on a desert island, which bombs. Then he steals her house from her, and runs away with a prettier younger wench.

The End.

Swept Away was one of the worst films of all-time and she looked like shit. Guy Ritchie is an asshole.

Evita featured both poor direction and bad performance. I walked out of it. Can't see why people see that as a quality film.

Maybe she would pull off an interesting Gypsy.

Given how crazy she acts on Instagram the past few years, she could make a halfway decent Norma Desmond if they ever make the Sunset Boulevard musical into a movie. She'd probably have to fight Glenn to the death first, though. And I suspect Madonna would not ever consent to doing it, even if asked (again), because of how close the story hits to home these days.

Just rewrite Joe so he's 20 and a person of color.

R12 It’s a terrible film but she didn’t look bad in it.

[15]Madonna could never pull off the vocal theatrics needed to sing the songs in Sunset Blvd. I just saw it with Nicole Scherzinger as Norma and this woman blew the roof off the theater. She also is a great actor which Madge is not and never will be. No amount of acting coaching or singing lessons will ever turn her into what it takes. I always said that Madonna would’ve been a great Silent Movie actor. It’s when she opens her mouth to speak or sing that she fails every time.

Who's That Old Girl? (A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Funeral....)

Newly-widowed Nikki Finn-Trout, on her way to the funeral for her husband, Louden, steals a limousine, gets Botox, filler, and and a chemical peel to prepare for her showdown with her arch-nemesis and the woman she believes killed Louden, Wendy Worthington. (Says a funeral director, "Wendy Worthington? I had her in my hearse once!") But time is ticking. Will Nicki get her evidence to the police before Wendy flees the country?

R17, get your eyes checked. She looked 80 years old.

Ah Evita ‘96… the whole thing reconfirmed Madonna to be a first rate music-video performer who has little talent for acting otherwise. She became much more beautiful and alive and cinematic during the songs, and then so flat and pedestrian when she had to work with straight-up dialogue.

A remake of "Beaches" with Courtney Love.

Oops.

The Lady Gaga Story.

A thriller based loosely on handsy, unstable and disgraced NYU professor Anita Ronell. Madonna's character would be an aging professor of filmmaking or mixed-media installation art.