Dumped by Christian Work Friend

You don't have friends at work. You don't have family at work. You have colleagues. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the way it is. I couldn't write two personal sentences about anyone I work with, yet alone six paragraphs. I get along fine with them at work. After work I don't give a single one of them a thought. You should try that.

Don't spend any more energy on him. Speak to him when you must, but no more.

Don't feel sad or guilty. And if he changes his mind and tries to be friendly again, tell him that you will always wish him well, but you'd prefer to simply be work colleagues.

[quote] Part of me wants to fight for my friend.

Don’t.

[quote] focuses on praising

What does “praising” mean in this context?

You are wise, R1

TL;DR

OP? Take a writing class.

Go to HR and say my coworker refuses to talk to me because of my sexual orientation. I feel that this is a hostile work environment now. Tell them I really hope we can resolve this issue, I don't want to call the labor board.

[quote] He’s married with several young kids.

He just tells you that so you'll leave him alone.

[quote] I’m single and carefree.

No surprise that you're single, but carefree? You can drink a cup of coffee without massive drama.

[quote] Plus I’m gay but he doesn’t know that.

My apologies. I didn't realize you were writing a humor piece.

This is why I prefer working with straight guys. Near zero drama and if you're honest you know this.

He’s weak, in a cult, and is clinically insane. I’d have chucked him long ago for coming at me with his BS but that’s just me. I don’t have time for people like this. I do believe in a higher power, but to think it wants us to worship it nonstop is insanity.

R9 From my experience, the best people to work with are educated black men/women/white males/hispanic males. Steer clear of white women at all costs (white women tears are real and they use them as weapons at the drop of a hat) and Hispanic women.

Document, document, document. Personal freezeouts become professional very quickly, and will make for a successful lawsuit.

I'm sure he already has a 50 page word document and three spreadsheets on the OP.

He might have been discussing you with someone and this person said sounds like a fag to me. So yeah there is nothing to salvage. You're just feeling the sting of rejection. Sometimes it fades. Sometimes it doesn't.

I had a coworker try to preach to me and give me pamphlets. She went to this really crazy church. I told her to stop, that it made me uncomfortable, and I didn’t need her to tell me about something I already know about.

Religion really fucks people up.

It could be either:

1) the church is new and they're pressuring congregants to bring more members and he felt slighted that you didn't want to join.

2) he suspects you're gay and wanted to see you outside of work to A: hookup, or B: try conversion therapy on you.

Either way, he feels slighted and it sounds like he's turned on you. Document everything because he might have others turn on you too. Honestly, I wouldn't trust him. It seems like his church is a cult.

How did she react, R14?

Cultists gotta cult dear.

You need to think again, because churches like that are fertile ground for gays seeking married straights for short-term hookups. I would go if I were you! Anything with some bullshit name like Holy Flame, The Rock, or Townville Church (no denomination specified), that's where they are. The wives are aware of this and are largely suspicious of men AND women who come to worship. Your friend's wife initiated that prayer circle no doubt.

OP, that you're still in the closet in 2024 is your only sin.

I like the way R18 thinks.

R4 in these newer churches Praising is like a celebration with music and dancing. Where the congregants enter a sort of euphoria over how great God is and all of His wonders and accomplishments.

Thank you, R21. Seems Dionysian. I’m quite certain that’s not what they were going for.

[quote] going forward I was just a work associate and nothing more.

Count your blessings. You dodged a bullet and didn't have to do a damn thing.

One thing I learned decades ago was to never waste one second on anyone who tried to push their religious beliefs on me, no matter how subtle they were.

I think prosperity gospel people are the true scum of the earth—against everything tru Christianity (flawed as it is) stands. I wouldn’t give him another thought. Be professionally chill but correct.

His wife might have been afraid he was getting too friendly!

You could always walk by his desk and intone, “And Eve was weak,” and tell him you can see his dirty pillows.

He is either a closet case or you did something to this man OP, such as flirted with him or coyly came on to him, and you just aren’t telling us. Either way it’s his loss.

He knows you're gay...he's known it since you introduced yourself to him. He knows it, his wife knows it, his kids know it, all your other coworkers know it. Stop living a lie!

No real friend would treat you like that. No real Christian would, either.

You're better off without him in your life.

His religion has now indoctrinated him completely. Nobody is worth the effort of kowtowing to fall in line with their absurd view of the world and morality. I would see it as someone who was a friend of convenience rather than a true friend. Consider it a chapter in your life that has come and gone.

[quote] Apparently not only am i unworthy of being friend but also unworthy of being at least told to fuck off.

Tell him that. Get it out if your system. Otherwise, think of all the trouble you avoided should he ever find out you are gay.

[quote] I’m a closet agnostic.

I don’t think people should discuss religion (or lack there of) in the workplace, but if he is openly Christian, why should you be a closet agnostic?

[quote] Go to HR and say my coworker refuses to talk to me because of my sexual orientation.

If he truly does not interact with you, even in a meeting (eg won't speak to you or acknowledge a basic question) yes, do this.

My advice is that he’s a bag of issues, don’t take it personally— even though it’s possible he thinks you’re sinful for being a homo.

And: social shunning can get infectious if you don’t take care to prevent an infection. Go a little extra to maintain good connection, vibes, or whatever you want to call it, with your other co workers.

The icing you out at work = textbook bullying. He is required to maintain respectful communication with you as a work colleague.

The religious coersion at work = textbook harassment. Putting pressure on someone to do something that the person ought to have had a reasonable expectation would cause discomfort / offense. The topic of religion on its own well qualifies.

5 gets you 10 Jesus Boy confessed to his wife that he was tempted by The Homosex.

R32 again. If you do go to HR , explain that he continually pressed you to attend his extremist church, and you politely declined, and now he is shunning you and no one else. And that he has told colleagues it is the result of what was decided in a prayer circle.

“ Part of me wants to fight for my friend.”

I hope this is just a stupid EST

I do think you’re better off without him because he doesn’t sound like a real friend. Real friends don’t act like this. I’m not anti-religious, but it can really screw with some people’s minds.

I understand the stress of having someone not speaking to you. I posted in the past year about a female coworker who wouldn’t speak to me. She wasn’t what I’d call a friend, but we were always cordial. It was incredibly stressful dealing with her daily - not looking at me as she’d pass me in the hallway, ignoring me when I spoke to her, etc. I don’t know why she acted like that towards me. She left our workplace a couple of months ago. It was a huge weight off of me.

[quote] It was a huge weight off of me.

Was she a great, big fat person?

R38 I was actually going to post the same thing, but I didn't want my obvious joking to be seen as crass.

OP here. I have always had an inkling that he was gay or at least bisexual. He reminds me a lot of people who have gone through conversion therapy where they cling to their religion like a security blanket and a ward against any same sex feelings. Even though we’re in the South there are VERY FEW people our age that are as religious as he is.

Be polite and professional. Stop engaging in social interactions, especially if he's become a member of a "praising and prosperity gospel" church - that's code for people who believe getting rich is the best way to fulfill their god's wishes.

Translation - his job and making money is more important than you or any other "friend." He'll stab you in the back to get ahead or protect his own job and justify it by saying it's his "god's will."

R30, because being on the fence about the existent of god might as well be full blown atheism where I’m from in the South.

"When people tell you who they really are, believe them."

--Maya Angelou

“It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. We’re not having this discussion again. So did you finish up those reports?”

Prosperity gospel is heresy.

Also I second what R35 said.

R 7's comment holds no water. Unless he says something to you, or refuses to address a work matter that you need his cooperation on, his not speaking to you is not a "hostile environment." And, despite your (obviously) hurt feelings, this is a workplace, not your personal life. Does that suck? Sure. Do you have "rights" here? Only the right to be treated with respect. And that's IT.

He is not your friend and never was. I have friends (who I met at work!) who are very religious and have never once tried to influence me even though they know I don’t believe what they do. And we’ve been friends for many years. It is possible.

If you're planning on staying there for an extended time Just wait it out OP. He'll likely move on at some point and you'll be rid of him. But, in the meantime. Give him exactly what he wants, the silent treatment. If you walk into a room with people you like and he's there make it a point to chat up all the others and don't even look in his direction. Should he ever make the mistake of speaking to you about anything that is not related to business just turn and walk away. Act as though he does not exist unless you are forced to deal with him regarding a business matter. If any of the higher ups ask you what's going on, but 100% truthful. Tell them exactly what he said and why he said it. You are not required to demure to anyone's religious ideology, especially in the workplace. And if you're an agnostic you should not be afraid to let everyone know. That will set the record straight. Frankly, even most "church people" do not like it when some religious nut tries to push his religious beliefs on them. One thing I learned about most religious people is that they are quite protective of their beliefs and have little to no interest in anyone else's.

I had a subordinate ask me to go to church with him once back in the 70s. I looked him straight in the eye and said "no thank you". He looked perplexed and asked "why?". I said "because I am an atheist". He rather meekly said "oh, okay" and went back to his work. He never brought it up again. We maintained the same cordiality for the remaining years of his tenure and when he left I wrote him a glowing letter of reference should he ever need it.

Document. Everything. For. HR.

[quote] I’ve been friends with a guy at work for about 4 and a half years.

What have you ever done with this guy outside of work that has absolutely nothing to do with work?

I have worked in the HR/P&C/P&P area for just under years now. Since I was 19.

Firstly OP - people at work are [bold]NOT YOUR FRIENDS[/bold]. To ever think otherwise is a fatal professional and life mistake.

Secondly - you sound like a spineless closet case - desperate to be friends and be accepted by someone who is a religious nutter who belongs to an organization which deeply hates, vilifies and discriminates against homosexuals. Those are his "beliefs". So what the fuck is wrong with you? Where is your goddamn spine? I have so little respect for people like you that I'm not even interested in the answer to that. Think about this; if this person is treating you like this in a professional work setting and you say that he doesn't know you're gay - then just imagine how he would treat you if he finds out you ARE gay.

Get a fucking backbone. You've created this situation.

*I have worked in the HR/P&C/P&P area for just under years now. Since I was 19.

*just under 30 years.

R18 speaks the truth. That's the first thing that crossed my mind when I read the OP. He probably knows or can sense you're gay and took your not wanting to go to church with him as a rejection. If he were straight he wouldn't be ignoring you and acting like a jilted lover. I would just let it go because it's going to bother him more than it will you.

R49 I agree with documenting everything in a notepad as it happens and date each incident. Keep it in case the situation needs to be escalated to HR in the future.

[quote] Secondly - you sound like a spineless closet case - desperate to be friends and be accepted by someone who is a religious nutter who belongs to an organization which deeply hates, vilifies and discriminates against homosexuals. Those are his "beliefs". So what the fuck is wrong with you? Where is your goddamn spine? I have so little respect for people like you that I'm not even interested in the answer to that.

And you sound like a psychopath, r51.

If you really work in H/R, I hope you are soon found out for the cruel jerk you are.

LOL R55! Are you a desperate closet case too?

I commented way back on someone's Youtube channel that if there ever was a real Jesus, he's certainly dead by now. And that if you're talking to him it must be hallucinations. And I still get responses like, "Jesus is alive. He just doesn't talk to YOU!".

R57 They are idiots. Because even if you are a literal Christian, Jesus isn’t still alive. He is dead in the human flesh. I mean technically he is always alive because he is God. Jesus is his own father. But he’s not alive like us mere mortals.

Jesus isn't God R58. Jesus is the son of God in their fairy stories.

Is this guy a Josh Hawley type.....biceps and an ass begging to be fucked?

Josh Hawley is ugly

AND batshit crazy R61.

Don't be a doormat, OP.

You lost me at religious.

R59 Jesus is the son of God and God himself in the human flesh.

Bea Arthur would just shit on his laptop when he’s in the bathroom.

R16 She stopped. It was going to become an HR issue if she didn’t.

Shit, people want OP to go to HR and whine about how someone is mean to him. The fuck is wrong with us? When did we become this? This is just sad and hopeless.

R68 is clearly a religious nut. Yes, go to HR. It’s called creating a hostile workplace and it’s not ok.

It's stupid nonsense that should be handled as the stupid nonsense it is r69. Not being your friend is not "creating a hostile workplace" you dumb cunt. OP should laugh at the jackass and get on with his life, or if he really feels like it, find petty ways to get revenge.

But no, your idiotic belief that everybody is a child that needs some corporate HR department to solve all their social problems is a terrible idea.

Nobody gives a fuck about the confected technicalities of your made up fairy stories R65.

For several years before I retired I was iced out by the only other person in the office who had the same job description I did and who had been at the company something like 25+ years, easily three times longer than I had.

As a result of that experience, what I advise is: do really good work. Everyone knew this woman was an asshole, I wasn’t the only person there whose life she enjoyed complicating, so I looked good just by comparison. Toward the end people would catch me in the hall so they could give me stuff to do and be sure she wouldn’t work on it.

If you ever have to involve anybody else in this thing, a history of stellar job performance will argue for you. Get along well with everybody else and let the former buddy eat lunch with Jesus. I know it’s painful but what’re you gonna do? Be hit by a bolt of lightning and start going to prayer meetings with him? He’s GONE.

R69 wtf? I’m with r68. Did I miss some comment where OP commented that he was withholding information from the OP pertinent to the job. Let sleeping dogs lie. Fuck em’. You are beautiful OP and don’t need befriend closet cases or religious fundies.

Huh? As long as he can communicate with you ABOUT WORK, move on with your life.

[quote] Well, last week he comes into work and completely ignores me.... One of our mutual friends messages him and asks what’s going on and what the problem is.

This is a WORK PLACE, not a social club.

Also, as said, grow a backbone. OP doesn't even have the balls to be an ATHEIST. Has to be agnostic.

“Just stop stop STOP. I don’t want to hear about these “goring holes” any longer. “

So sorry for your loss, OP. Religion claimed another one.

I had a decade-long friend who, after I moved across the country, asked if I'd allow her to live with me for a few months while she settled into the area and I agreed. A few months turned into 6 and then 9. I didn't mind the company being new to the area myself — and sharing the living expenses once she found work. About 3 months into her new job she met a woman who introduced her to their religious cult, and she started acting like I was the problem. The shunning, the looks of disgust, the whispered conversations... eventually, I came home from a Christmas party late and tipsy and there were a bunch of vaguely recognizable people in my apartment eating my food and drinking my alcohol. Former friend and two dudes (one of whom I recognized as having been her date a few weeks prior) "escorted" me to my room. I went to bed but got up early, woke her up and before I could tell her to move out she said she was moving and would be out the next day. The worst part was saying goodbye to her cat of whom I had grown fond.

I was hurt. I thought I'd done this friend a solid. She'd been through a lot in the time I knew her, and needed a break. She'd been a good friend to me prior.

About 6 months later her mother called me and said they'd lost contact and she was looking for my former friend to tell her her grandmother had passed, but the former friend had vanished. I saw her once, years later, on a subway platform. We made eye contact and I looked away.

That could be the plot to an indie film, r76.

[quote] Former friend and two dudes (one of whom I recognized as having been her date a few weeks prior) "escorted" me to my room.

Huh? And then what?

The rest of the story: MARY.

"Tipsy" wasn't completely accurate. I was drunk; not barf drunk, just sleep-it-off drunk. The two dudes walked me to my bedroom where I took of my shoes and laid down on my bed to awaken 6 hours later still dressed. They weren't rude but made it obvious they disapproved of me in that condescending religious-zealot way. Nothing happened and I wasn't assaulted, just pissed that former friend had obviously planned this dinner party knowing I would be out. If I'd known she wanted to have a dinner party, I would have been happy to stay out or in my room... and she would have had to buy her own food and drink (although she did reimburse me for it with her rent through her moving day). Ultimately it gave me the excuse to move her out. It was one of those situations when you want to tell someone "don't go away mad, just go away."

It's sad when religion wrecks a friendship.

I'm sorry you had to put up with that hostile treatment in your own home R76/R79. You sound like a good-natured and very generous person who was badly treated by your friend and also by complete strangers in your own home.

Unlike OP - you actually have something to be legitimately hurt and upset about.

What kind of adult:

-mistakes a Holy Roller workplace colleague for a valued friend?

-entertains conversations about the colleague's crock of shit prosperity-based faith and plays coy, saying "maybe someday" to invitations to some bullshit church?

-plays flirty and coy with a supposed friend who by every outward indications is straight with a wife and children and a Holy Roller at that, and who purposely avoids any frank discussion of the fact that he is neither straight nor religious? (What kind of shit is this "four and a half year friendship" from a shit "friend" like OP?)

-lets his colleague berate him as unworthy after making OP the subject of some prayer circle?

-presses desperately for explanation (from the colleague, from DL) after the above craziness?

At least the Holy Roller tells you who and what he is. OP likes to play coquettish and reveal nothing about himself that might not advance his "friendship" with a work colleague. What kind of pussy can't just say, "Thanks for the invitation, but I'm not religious, not at all, so I wouldn't be interested" or thinks it's clever to be "closet agnostic" and a closet gay who thinks his "friend" is too dim to know OP is as gay as Xmas?

Bible thumpers are fucked up. Avoid.

I wouldn't care if a work colleague didn't want to be my 'friend' as I don't count work colleagues as friends anyway. But if part of his job involves talking to you and he's refusing to do that, then you should tell your manager because then he's not fulfilling his duties.

Even some religious scholars admit that there is no real evidence that Jesus was a real person.

If someone said something like that to me I would burst out laughing and just walk away shaking my head.

If he was your friend, he would know and accept that you are gay. At most he’s a colleague. You seem a tad clueless OP?

Don't swallow next time you suck his dick. Spit it out on his penny loafers.

R51, I have several close friends I met a work decades ago. We are all retired now and still close friends. It IS possible to make real friends at work.

I have former work colleagues I still socialize with decades later so it is possible, but shouldn’t be an expectation.

(And of course a former co-worker introduced me to DL.)

R71 You need to calm down and take a chill pill. I don’t know if it’s literally true. The other poster and I were engaging in the story in the Bible and overall what Christianity stipulates about Jesus. It’s hard for non Christians, who aren’t educated or attended theology school, to wrap their mind around this. Jesus is not less than God. He IS God. The Heavenly Father immaculately impregnated Mary and created himself in the human flesh.

Thank your lucky stars he’s out of your life.

R21 "Praising is like a celebration with music and dancing. Where the congregants enter a sort of euphoria over how great God is and all of His wonders and accomplishment.

HOLY FUKIN MOSES!

Just ignore him. If he is cutting you off for nothing YOU did, but his own change, then there is no point to t unless it's a lifelong friend and he is dealing with something. This colleague essentially changed his opinion on a topic and is ghosting you for it. He doesn't value you. So don't value him.

I can't believe some posters are advocating bring HR into the picture. This would only cause more problems for OP, who seems sensitive. HR works for the company. They don't give about people as individuals, despite what they say.

[quote]I’ve been friends with a guy at work for about 4 and a half years.

[quote]Plus I’m gay but he doesn’t know that.

Sure, Jan.

OP, he did you a favor. He told you who he really is.

OP he really wants you. Freezing you out like this shows you he is in denial. Give him your most winning smile and he'll crumble like a sugar cookie.

OMFG you are a bore OP

I don't even eat lunch with the people I work with. And I like them. I'd rather go to the park across the street and have a ciggy and listen to my music. Maybe a hotdog from a vendor. Italian ice if they got it. Ever hear don't shit where you work?

I agree with R51, although his....phrasing is a bit strong. His statement is not wrong. People at work are your colleagues, and if you ONLY see them at work, this is not a friendship: it is a colleague whom you share a common environment with. It IS odd that you call this person a "friend" but have not told him who YOU are. My friendships don't occur until I know someone well enough to know that I WANT to be friends with them. Breathing the same air in an office space (or any other "common space" is not grounds for claiming you have a friendship. If I don't know someone's last name, their birthdate, where they live and we've never - either of us - been to the other person's house, and we both like genuine affection for each other a LOT, i might consider the connection purely a relationship of convenience," as in "acquaintance. You have a lot of energy towards someone that you've been hiding who you are. Why is that, and why would you consider him a friend, given a lack of fraternizing outwork of work? As far as work goes, as long as he is respectful, and cooperates with you on work projects, and doesn't refuse to give you pertinent information that involves getting tasks done, you have very little ground - if any - for approaching HR about a "hostile environment." Many people don't like their co-workers. I'm surprised you think his not speaking to you warrants anything more than annoyance on your part.

“You will accept Jesus Christ ans your lord and savior and that is FINAL!”

What R49 said is important. Keep notes. Date, time, who said what, witnesses. If all goes okay you won't need it and you can print and ritually burn it and have a laugh. If all goes to hell though, you just go to HR with the compilation.

OP caught a glimpse of his coworker’s massive man meat at the neighboring urinal one day.

This explains EVERYTHING.

Has the sting of this ghosting dissipated yet?

[quote] OP, that you're still in the closet in 2024 is your only sin.

It's 2024, there is no such thing as "the closet." We don't have to "come out" anymore we just are who we are, you no longer have to announce your sexual fluidity to everyone you meet.