Although it is customary for a groom to ask the bride's father for her hand in marriage, what if the bride doesn't live with her parents, or if she is older– say 30, but first marriage?
Wedding Etiquette
by Anonymous | reply 30 | August 1, 2024 8:20 PM |
It’s still a nice gesture. It will bond the groom to the parents in a way nothing else will. Unless, of course, they say no.
by Anonymous | reply 1 | August 1, 2024 1:39 PM |
Don’t worry about it OP - you’re far too stupid to ever consider getting married.
by Anonymous | reply 2 | August 1, 2024 1:39 PM |
Women don't need the approval of man to get married. We are not possessions to be given away.
by Anonymous | reply 3 | August 1, 2024 1:52 PM |
You still need the father’s approval. She’s her father’s property until she is “given” to the groom.
by Anonymous | reply 4 | August 1, 2024 2:03 PM |
By the time marriage is on the table, you should know your partner's preferences and do as they please. My wife was kicked out of her parents' house as a teen for being gay. It was important to her that we ask for their blessing together, prior to a proposal, so we did.
Had they said no, it wouldn't have changed our plans to marry. But it was something she needed for herself after everything they'd subjected her to years earlier, and it wasn't for me (or anyone else) to judge. We know a couple gay men with similar stories.
by Anonymous | reply 5 | August 1, 2024 2:08 PM |
The impulse to ask permission to marry from people who disowned you seems like a futile effort to rewrite the past. If my spouse wanted to do that, I’d try to talk him out of it, not bless it. “Not for me to judge” is an evasion.
by Anonymous | reply 6 | August 1, 2024 2:13 PM |
I wasn't thrilled about it, R6, and took flak from friends who didn't respect her position. But all three of them know there's no way to rewrite the past. It was about trying to build a different future and so far it has worked because her parents (unlike many) were grateful they were given a second chance.
by Anonymous | reply 7 | August 1, 2024 2:27 PM |
But they could have been given a second chance without the groveling.
by Anonymous | reply 8 | August 1, 2024 2:28 PM |
I’m with R6, Token lesbian, the idea of going to two people who turned their own child out of the house for being gay to ask their permission/blessing to be the one “to make sure their little girl always has a roof over head” is ludicrous and dishonest theatre. I’m getting married (gay man) and if my partner insisted on using hoary gendered wedding tropes to try to heal something with his family, I’d be freaked the fuck out.
by Anonymous | reply 9 | August 1, 2024 2:36 PM |
R5, what you and your wife did was nice. It sounds as f your in-laws have changed. Her parents no doubt regret their behavior towards their daughter when she came out. Each side is rebuilding a relationship. And if you have kids, you and your wife will want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.
by Anonymous | reply 10 | August 1, 2024 2:42 PM |
If you are in a situation where "asking" the father for a woman's hand in marriage is required by etiquette, she would still be living with her parents, would NOT be older than 30, and certainly wouldn't be in her first marriage at that age.
The one situation precludes the others from existing.
by Anonymous | reply 11 | August 1, 2024 3:18 PM |
Just read that if parents are not available you can always ask her pimp-good luck with that & Congrats.
by Anonymous | reply 12 | August 1, 2024 3:42 PM |
When the answer is "well, obviously we don't want her", don't ask.
by Anonymous | reply 13 | August 1, 2024 3:49 PM |
[quote] Although it is customary for a groom to ask the bride's father for her hand in marriage,
It's no longer 1885, hon.
by Anonymous | reply 14 | August 1, 2024 3:51 PM |
My sister got engaged earlier this year, and her fiancé -- my future brother-in-law -- did ask my dad first before he proposed. I thought it was a nice gesture.
by Anonymous | reply 15 | August 1, 2024 3:53 PM |
Traditionally, the bride's parents paid for the wedding. It makes sense to show the courtesy of asking permission to marry before then asking the parents to pony up for some sizable sum.
There was a time when brides came with a dowry and some men married a woman based on how many bucks she brought to the marriage. It seems in that case for sure the groom should ask so the parents could do some research and determine whether he's a gold digger or sincere in his love.
Nowadays, the bride and groom should make the choice whether to ask or not. Some like to bow to tradition, as humans can't help themselves from doing what's been done before and pleases their parents, but people of independent thought and means can do as they damn well please.
by Anonymous | reply 16 | August 1, 2024 4:00 PM |
Asking the bride’s father for permission, especially in advance, is an archaic gesture that reflects the daughter’s lack of independent agency.
If you want to make a grand gesture, ask for all four parents’ blessings, not the bride’s father’s permission.
by Anonymous | reply 17 | August 1, 2024 4:01 PM |
My parents, in reply to such a request: why would you want him? You’re too good. Good luck and good riddance! 😎
by Anonymous | reply 18 | August 1, 2024 4:06 PM |
I don't see why a single woman who doesn't live with her parents can't just get married without getting her parents involved, especially if the bride's parents aren't paying for anything.
by Anonymous | reply 19 | August 1, 2024 4:10 PM |
Because the straights buy into doing all of this antiquated bs, as part of an endless ritual? Just take gander at any advice column in the Post or on Slate…an eye-opening lesson in the pathetic reality of marriage-minded heterosexuals.
by Anonymous | reply 20 | August 1, 2024 4:13 PM |
If one wishes to act within the bounds of conventionality today, while avoiding the dowry, chattel, and implied social misogyny involved with matrimonial traditions, one does not ask for a woman's hand.
Both partners may share their plans with parents in whatever settings is appropriate (meaning going to both parents if they're divorced) and ask for the parents' blessing or good wishes.
And if the pair already have been living together, they can pay for their own wedding. In fact, the bride's father (even stating it that way, ignoring the bride's mother traditionally in the formula) paying for the wedding itself is a form a the chattel/dowry/subservient status of women, it should be dropped as convention or rule.
Especially since people generally are marrying later, with an 18-year-old bride being something no one reasonably should want to see.
by Anonymous | reply 21 | August 1, 2024 4:17 PM |
R21 doesn’t read wedding stories—or he’d know better.
by Anonymous | reply 22 | August 1, 2024 4:46 PM |
[quote]But they could have been given a second chance without the groveling.
We visited them for a long weekend, took them for pizza at the end and said "We plan to get engaged soon and wanted to ask for your blessing." They were surprised to be included, said we had it, and the conversation moved on.
There's no perfect solution for handling painful family histories. Swallowing your anger and being civil toward people who hurt your partner is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but taking a 'my way or the highway' approach is also unhealthy and probably echoes dynamics they grew up with.
On a lighter note, this thread reminded me of the NYT Vows column about Richie Jackson and Jordan Roth that was discussed here years ago, and how Jackson asked Roth's billionaire father for his son's hand in marriage
by Anonymous | reply 23 | August 1, 2024 4:54 PM |
R5, doing it together as a couple and telling them that the forthcoming engagement is something you have both have been openly talking about and planning is a significantly different and much less “traditional” tactic than you calling on her father (or parents) by yourself for the purpose of asking permission to propose to her.
by Anonymous | reply 24 | August 1, 2024 5:14 PM |
Yeah, no. I don't like this tradition. Women are not property or chattel to be given away or acquired. We are real, autonomous beings capable of making our own decisions. Patriarchy and sexism have such a stronghold on our world and on American culture that there's no way I'd willingly contribute to or participate in this kind of thing.
by Anonymous | reply 25 | August 1, 2024 5:15 PM |
I do believe it is "an outdated tradition" however, both my sons-in- law asked my ex-wife& I for permission to marry.
It was nice of them to do that; my ex-wife was surprised by the gesture.
by Anonymous | reply 26 | August 1, 2024 6:55 PM |
[quote] My wife was kicked out of her parents' house as a teen for being gay. It was important to her that we ask for their blessing together, prior to a proposal, so we did. Had they said no, it wouldn't have changed our plans to marry. But it was something she needed for herself ...
JMO, but I really would not have wanted any part of that situation.
by Anonymous | reply 27 | August 1, 2024 7:03 PM |
[quote] If you want to make a grand gesture, ask for all four parents’ blessings, not the bride’s father’s permission.
Asking for the parents' "blessings" sounds like it's in the same vein as asking for permission.
by Anonymous | reply 28 | August 1, 2024 7:05 PM |
It’s just a gesture. However, it can go wrong! I had a friend who asked the dad for his daughter’s hand and the dad said no! They were in tgeir early 30s and the dad had been mostly absent from his daughter’s life but had reappeared after she was an adult.
I actually advised my friend to take the dad to dinner and ask permission to marry. He was absolutely stunned—as was I—when the dad said he wasn’t good enough to marry his daughter.
Anyway they got married and divorced a couple years later.
by Anonymous | reply 29 | August 1, 2024 7:07 PM |
[quote] Asking for the parents' "blessings" sounds like it's in the same vein as asking for permission.
It is in the same vein, but without the implication that the bride’s father can prevent the wedding.
by Anonymous | reply 30 | August 1, 2024 8:20 PM |