Ask me anything about J.D. Vance.
Hi, I'm Couch.
by Anonymous | reply 77 | August 1, 2024 1:21 PM |
Did he buy you flowers afterwards?
by Anonymous | reply 1 | July 27, 2024 4:55 PM |
Some call me a love seat, but that's NOT what it means. I wish someone had told Vance-- before he ravished me.
by Anonymous | reply 2 | July 27, 2024 4:56 PM |
[quote] Did he buy you flowers afterwards?
Does Febreze Romance and Desire scent count? If so, then yes. He spritzed both of us with it. Personally, I blame Febreze for giving him the wrong idea. They are enabling the sexual assault of sofas everywhere with ad copy like this:
[quote] Who says date night can’t be every day? With Febreze Fabric Refresher Romance & Desire, you can find your spark thanks to the hints of sparkling champagne spritz and pink rose petals. You’ll be dimming the lights and turning up the passion in no time.
by Anonymous | reply 3 | July 27, 2024 4:59 PM |
Did he use protection? Like Scotchgard?
by Anonymous | reply 4 | July 27, 2024 5:00 PM |
[quote] Did he use protection? Like Scotchgard?
No protection. But it was so small there was hardly any penetration between my cushions. I don't think I'll get pregnant??
by Anonymous | reply 5 | July 27, 2024 5:02 PM |
Does it bother you that you don't have fingers so you couldn't blow your fucking brains out afterwards?
by Anonymous | reply 6 | July 27, 2024 5:02 PM |
OP, maybe explain why this is a thing....
by Anonymous | reply 7 | July 27, 2024 5:06 PM |
Did he leave the lights on? What did the other furniture in the living room say when it was over?
by Anonymous | reply 8 | July 27, 2024 5:08 PM |
r7: Here you go.
btw, it is absolutely not the OP's responsibility to step on his own joke just because you don't keep up and are too lazy to do an Internet search.
by Anonymous | reply 9 | July 27, 2024 5:11 PM |
Afterwards, did you feel like getting reupholstered? Did you wear a slipcover? Were you worried about having an Ottoman?
by Anonymous | reply 10 | July 27, 2024 5:14 PM |
Did he try surprise vinyl on you?
by Anonymous | reply 11 | July 27, 2024 5:17 PM |
Show us where he touched you.
by Anonymous | reply 12 | July 27, 2024 5:20 PM |
Is it true you could smell the roadhouse whiskey on his breath, Couch, and that you liked it? You liked it?!
by Anonymous | reply 13 | July 27, 2024 5:20 PM |
How many eyelid hairs did he leave behind?
by Anonymous | reply 14 | July 27, 2024 5:26 PM |
Maye next time you'll wear a plastic cover before you go a whorin' around.
by Anonymous | reply 15 | July 27, 2024 5:26 PM |
Are you a Lazy-Boy?
by Anonymous | reply 16 | July 27, 2024 5:28 PM |
Show us in the dollhouse where he touched you.
by Anonymous | reply 17 | July 27, 2024 5:33 PM |
Did you consent?
by Anonymous | reply 18 | July 27, 2024 5:33 PM |
Sizemeat verificacia?
by Anonymous | reply 19 | July 27, 2024 5:35 PM |
Leather or Lace?
by Anonymous | reply 20 | July 27, 2024 5:38 PM |
He made no real impression on me, until he sat his fat ass down.
by Anonymous | reply 21 | July 27, 2024 5:39 PM |
Did I consent? How could I consent? I am a couch.
by Anonymous | reply 22 | July 27, 2024 5:49 PM |
Did the drapes watch?
by Anonymous | reply 23 | July 27, 2024 6:31 PM |
Did he whisper sweet nothings to you afterward?
by Anonymous | reply 24 | July 27, 2024 6:36 PM |
They did, r23. So did the coffee table. When Vance lowered himself on me he muttered, "Nice... so much cushion for the pushin'.
by Anonymous | reply 25 | July 27, 2024 6:38 PM |
[quote] Did he whisper sweet nothings to you afterward?
No, he did not. In fact, he stuck his hand down inside me and groped around for loose change. He found an old stale Cheeto, and yes, he gobbled it up.
by Anonymous | reply 26 | July 27, 2024 6:40 PM |
Was Diet Mountain Dew involved?
by Anonymous | reply 27 | July 27, 2024 6:48 PM |
Did he bring along any friends or was it just a one-load experience?
by Anonymous | reply 28 | July 27, 2024 6:54 PM |
He must be furious that he’s getting hammered (pun intended) for something he supposedly didn’t even do. Or did he?
by Anonymous | reply 29 | July 27, 2024 6:56 PM |
Leave me out of this!!!!
by Anonymous | reply 30 | July 27, 2024 6:58 PM |
Won't someone please consider the poor Afghan.
by Anonymous | reply 31 | July 27, 2024 7:08 PM |
Update -- Guys, it looks like I've got fleas. I have always been a clean and tidy couch! There's only one place the infestation could have come from-- the pubes of my abuser.
by Anonymous | reply 32 | July 27, 2024 7:14 PM |
[quote]Won't someone please consider the poor Afghan.
He ate all the couch Cheetos and left me with nothing.
by Anonymous | reply 33 | July 27, 2024 7:17 PM |
Does this look like a man who'd share his snacks?
by Anonymous | reply 34 | July 27, 2024 7:21 PM |
Is it true that you worked as a Chippendale's dancer?
by Anonymous | reply 35 | July 27, 2024 7:50 PM |
I warned him. I told him. I begged him to consider.
You can only flip a cushion once.
by Anonymous | reply 36 | July 27, 2024 8:05 PM |
R13, Lord Jesus bless and protect us... it's the filthy cushions made real. We'll pray!
by Anonymous | reply 37 | July 27, 2024 8:11 PM |
Did he…uh… hide the Planned Parenthood receipts under the cushions…
by Anonymous | reply 38 | July 27, 2024 8:12 PM |
This wouldn't have happened to any of Joan Crawford's couches. Say what you want about her as a mother, but that lady knew how to protect her furniture!
by Anonymous | reply 39 | July 27, 2024 8:41 PM |
Have you ever had sex before that was sofa-king great?
by Anonymous | reply 40 | July 27, 2024 9:02 PM |
Did he have a smelly, cheesy cock?
by Anonymous | reply 41 | July 27, 2024 9:18 PM |
I can picture it now, it’s a feature length called “JD Vance Goes to Davenport”
by Anonymous | reply 42 | July 27, 2024 9:28 PM |
You were upholstered in velour, the cushions were plumped, you had it coming.
by Anonymous | reply 43 | July 27, 2024 9:32 PM |
Best is yet to cum
by Anonymous | reply 44 | July 27, 2024 9:34 PM |
Did you two create a Loveseat?
by Anonymous | reply 45 | July 27, 2024 9:36 PM |
[quote]I can picture it now, it’s a feature length called “JD Vance Goes to Davenport”
More like “JD Vance Never Goes Down on Davenport.”
by Anonymous | reply 46 | July 27, 2024 9:37 PM |
The whole thing started when his mother caught him jacking off to Divine fucking himself as Dawn [italic]Davenport[/italic] in "Female Trouble.:
by Anonymous | reply 47 | July 27, 2024 9:37 PM |
No. I wasn't worried about him giving me a disease.
I've been Scotchgarded.
by Anonymous | reply 48 | July 27, 2024 9:40 PM |
Since the beginning of time, boys have found creative ways to masturbate. In his book, he made reference to a time he put a latex glove between two couch cushions and humped it. That’s it. The last people on earth who should find this to be controversial is gay man.
by Anonymous | reply 49 | July 27, 2024 9:51 PM |
R49 it's not controversial, it's a ridiculous thing to admit to
by Anonymous | reply 50 | July 27, 2024 9:59 PM |
Twitter is listing all the new nicknames for JD, including Vladimir Futon.
by Anonymous | reply 51 | July 27, 2024 11:52 PM |
Twitter says this about JD as Vladimir Futon:
[quote] I don't really care what JD Vance did or didn't do. I just hope it was a committed relationship with furniture and not a one nightstand.
by Anonymous | reply 52 | July 27, 2024 11:54 PM |
[quote] Is it true that you worked as a Chippendale's dancer?
r35, it's true. But that was a LONG time ago. I'm a changed couch.
by Anonymous | reply 53 | July 28, 2024 12:43 AM |
Did he make you show him your dirty pillows?
by Anonymous | reply 55 | July 28, 2024 3:24 AM |
R49, how old was he when he did this?
by Anonymous | reply 56 | July 28, 2024 6:45 AM |
Omg the Teddy Ruxpin comparison is sound.
by Anonymous | reply 57 | July 28, 2024 6:58 AM |
Couch, you’re evil for taking his semen because you can’t conceive a white child.
by Anonymous | reply 58 | July 28, 2024 8:02 AM |
You listen you me, Couch! I made a flag in my head. This is how I satisfy myself. I made a flag. It's white and it has yellow and orange flames around it. And in the middle is the word vergogna. Vergogna in Italian means shame. Shame, shame, shame!
by Anonymous | reply 59 | July 28, 2024 10:47 AM |
Before Vance had his way with me, he covered me in this lacy negligee. He said it would put us both in the mood. (It didn't).
by Anonymous | reply 60 | July 28, 2024 8:37 PM |
Did he clean you up afterwards?
by Anonymous | reply 61 | July 28, 2024 8:42 PM |
The DustBuster gave me the orgasm he couldn't.
by Anonymous | reply 62 | July 29, 2024 1:12 AM |
Did he clean me up? He gave me a halfhearted "wipe" with his shirttail. Does that count? Then he farted and excused himself.
by Anonymous | reply 63 | July 29, 2024 1:15 AM |
Swamp-ass?
by Anonymous | reply 64 | July 29, 2024 1:25 AM |
John Oliver:
[quote] The reason you always find change in couch cushions is because JD Vance always leaves a tip.
by Anonymous | reply 65 | July 29, 2024 9:27 PM |
Well, Couch, I think you're divan.
by Anonymous | reply 66 | July 30, 2024 3:43 AM |
Why fuck a couch? I just used My Pillow.
by Anonymous | reply 67 | July 30, 2024 3:44 AM |
Did Vance see the name Jennnifer Convertible and think you were a tranny-prosti?
by Anonymous | reply 68 | July 30, 2024 4:45 AM |
Has he ever tried to contact you again? Is he a stalker?
by Anonymous | reply 69 | July 30, 2024 4:55 AM |
Was his come-on line "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?"
by Anonymous | reply 70 | July 30, 2024 5:02 AM |
Did you witness JD blowing Peter Thiel?
by Anonymous | reply 71 | July 30, 2024 5:06 AM |
Oh no don’t say yes you’ll get thrown off a balcony
by Anonymous | reply 72 | July 30, 2024 5:30 AM |
How do you feel about childless cat ladies?
by Anonymous | reply 73 | July 30, 2024 4:25 PM |
Is it true that you two broke up when he came home smelling like dolphin?
by Anonymous | reply 74 | July 30, 2024 6:35 PM |
by Anonymous | reply 75 | July 31, 2024 1:26 AM |
by Anonymous | reply 76 | July 31, 2024 3:49 AM |
Davenport, Iowa has just cancelled the JD Vance rally for undisclosed reasons.*
by Anonymous | reply 77 | August 1, 2024 1:21 PM |