Let’s be straight guys

I’m the towel slapping in the locker room.

i'm the spitting

i'm the ball scratch

I’m the unwashed ass. No soap has been in that region in decades.

Just like "I’m saying “dude” constantly, so you know I’m not gay."

The "bro" and "dude" trend mimicking straight men is ruining gay porn.

R5 shut up, bro

I’m Rogaine!

Why do straight me always scratch their nuts?

I’m the terrible tattoos.

"No soap has been in that region in decades."

Because everybody knows messing around "down there" is g-a-y.

No homo!!!!

I’m the wife-beaters

I'm the opinions about baseball.

I'm the complicated facial hair styling. I am the substitute for weight loss and good grooming.

I'm the Trump voter cuz I don't want my bro friends to think I'm a wuss. I'll do anything to fall in line with what men around me want.

(Seriously - it IS the conservative male mindset and the biggest Trump voting block is white straight men.)

I stink to high heaven because I was mommy's wittle pwince so perfect in every way no showers required.

I use the word SWEET way too often.

I can’t have a conversation that doesn’t involve football.

I'm wrestling.

I’m the lifted 4 X 4 truck with mud stains.

Good call to cover that ugly face.

Let’s be the way larger dating pool.

I'm Joe Rogan, I am the secret lust that every straightie has for me

I'm all the gays lusting after them.

whenever someone compliments me and tells me I'm creative, or refers to my creativity, right away I shift it to the less flowery "Well, I'm an ideas guy."

I’m the confusion about my wife’s sex drive. Before I put a ring on it, she was as nasty and uninhibited as an alley cat. Now that we are married and a kid came along, she hardly wants sex. Was it all a rouse?

Also the resentment for getting into this marriage bullshit. I tell my gay coworkers they have it made. All the sex they want. No expensive kids. Spouse loves sex or will allow a hall-pass. I dread going home after work.

I’m the use of “bad boys” as a generic plural noun.

“Give me a couple of those bad boys straight off the grill. Thanks, bro.”

I am the ever-present baseball cap. Forwards or backwards depending on how formal the situation is.

I’m so laser focused on the chicks’ tits I can’t even recall the Super Bowl score from last year.

If you only knew how tedious your posts are.

I’m a wealthy white straight bro who listens to rap music

I honestly don't know the difference between a washer and a dryer.

28??? Try 48.

I’m the premium handguns!

You are completely right, R31. I forgot my sister would weekly drive over to my 40-something y/o nephew's house, pick up his dirty clothes, take them home and launder them, then drive the clean clothes back over to his house.

I think my sister stopped when COVID struck and said nephew was allowed to work from home. By then she figured he had plenty of time on his hands to wash his own damn clothes.

I'm jealous.

When a woman tells me she's a lesbian, I know that's just a challenge for me to prove to her that she's not. I'll flirt and call her sexy because all women like being told they are sexy. When she tells me I'm creeping her out, I know I'm getting through to her. All women want cock. Especially mine.

They flirt with gay men too, honey.

I am their crazy-eyed rallying cry: “Let’s GO!”

I'm the awkward bromance

I'm knocking on your dorm/frat room door at 2am when I didn't get any pussy at the bar.

I’m “USA USA USA”

When I say "Bro, I would totally suck you off." to the guys in the locker room, they know I'm just giving them some buddy praise.

I’m the neck tattoo!

I'm the first anal sex try with the girlfriend and the surprise of lots of shit on my dick. Never saw that at Pornhub.

This one works for gays as well.

I never remember what how me and my brahs end the evening. I guess we all just pass out at the same time.

But boy am I sore in the morning. Must be something in the mojitos. Beers, I mean.

I’m the straight gentleman caller. Yes, I’ve dabbed into that Lady Lindzebelle quite a few times.

I’m the guy taking advantage of R37.

We’re the slides. Worn with (questionably recently-laundered) short, white gym socks. In fine steak restaurants. And with herds of similar other straight guys, under alternating front- and backwards-worn baseball caps.

Oops, I forgot also the mandatory leg tats; and those twisty wrist and ankle bracelet things.

I'm the Instagram models they follow and all the "you're so sexy" comments they leave on every post.

I say bro a lot. But then again I’m a bisexual whore.

The effortless masculinity.

R51 - the 'effortless' was born from tons of conditioning and fear of being ostracized. Very few have it organically.

And straight women don't allow them to act differently either - despite them stating that they do.

Excellent point.

I put lighted fireworks on my head

r8 Because other guys' nuts are usually covered up.

r23, please read the thread title again. It's called "let's be straight guys", not "let's be gay guys".

shut up cunt.

I'm the Under Armour logo on every piece of clothing.

I'm the overcompensating.

I’m the yeast dick.

I'm the one saying Judy who? Julie who? ... They are fucking hopelesswhen it comes to classic movie icons and movies. The gays keep so many artistic things alive.

I'm the overwhelming scent of urine and B.O. that every straight man seems to have about them. I'm also the Axe Body spray used in excess in an attempt to cover up the fact that I haven't showered in days.

I’m the taking Star Wars seriously.

R62 I’m the femme kween who likes that stench because it reminds of being rap.. I mean, my Uncle…

I'm the dingleberrys that cause skid marks on their tightie whities.

I'm the half hearted hugs between two bros. We don't press our bodies against each other so we slap each others back.

I'm Christian-adjacent, so I say 'brother'.

I’m the dingleberries “brother” says are god’s will

I've got the world in the palm of my hand.

I'm actually a transbian but I want to trap my wife with a few small children first.

Ya wanna fuck me?

I'm the tacticool wear and holstered gun. None of these douchebags with the jarhead haircuts have never even been in JrROTC

I'm "Cubans."

"My bro at the smoke shop slipped me some Cubans. Dope as hell."

Let's be paunchy at 30... and fat at 40. Let's continue drinking disgusting beer.

I know how to fix things and spit.

I’m the smell of feet, B.O., jizz and stinky laundry, I don’t need to wash anything, I just spray febreze on it. I’m also pissed off all the time because I never get laid. My personality isn’t great either, and I’m not that smart., I also really cannot understand that I have to make 10% improvements (as a start) in all these areas, or be so rich that anyone will put up with my shit.

Why won’t bitches fuck me? I’m a fucking catch!

I'm constantly cruising for pussy, even though I have a wife and two female fuckbuddies. I wouldn't turn down any sexual overture.

"I've got the world in the palm of my hand."

You've got your dick in the palm of your hand.

I'm dying on a "buddy's" lawn after a long night of partying.

I'm the refusal to kiss another guy (I have no problem fucking him or sucking his dick), because that would mean i'm (whispers) G-A-Y.