Ah, the satisfaction of running into an ex

Chad N. Freud

And that means you turned out to be a cunt, OP.

Guess OP was the one who got ditched.

Nope R3. And it looks like you and R2 have been ditched, clearly more than once.

I wish only the best for my ex. I have one. And he is still a friend. I truly wish he could find a nice and guy and be happy.

Sad that u feel that way op. You must be the kind of person that resents and is jealous when someone does better than you too.

Better than me, R6. Sure. When I saw him I was sitting in a coffee shop and he pulled up and came in. He looks like shit, drives a piece of shit car and was there to pick up a Doordash delivery. We knew each other about 20 years ago and was one of the first guys I met when I came out. It was never a serious relationship and I bailed on him because he became a meth dealer, got arrested for it, was convicted because he had enough on him that they were able to stick a felony level dealer charge, served about 18 months, got out and disappeared.

Sure R6, better than me.

So, you’re a bottom.

I’m glad if I don’t run into an ex where there once was a strong thing between us. I don’t like retreading past memories. Plus it’s difficult if you might have become part of an ex’s friends when you met him, then once you break up those friendship connections can sometimes be awkward to continue navigating. Maybe a simple smile and “hi” if I run into such former boyfriends where we parted amicably. As for the ones that didn’t end well, they don’t exist to me. Including if I happen to “run into” them. Move on…life’s too short.

I have two important exes, both dead now, and I feel fortunate to have maintained friendships with them both until the end.

It's 20 years later and he's apparently a law-abiding citizen, doing Door Dash.

Did he do something really bad to you?

I never want to see my ex again but I hope he’s having a wonderful life.

It's been twenty+ years and I sometimes fantasize about running into him and pretending very convincingly that have no idea who he is even when he tells me.

I'm glad my ex found love because it took him 800 mi. away from here, and I never have to see him again.

This story isn’t making sense. How did you recently discover his life turned to shit, when you left him 20 years ago because his life turned to shit? And why does his misfortune make you feel good if you’re the one who dumped him? You sound like an immature piece of work who’s not genuinely happy with his own life. Maybe he’s actually happy with his? You’re judging him based on outward appearances, which sometimes don’t tell the whole story.

My ex is somebody else's problem now and I'm fine with that. It's been so many years it feels like remembering someone you used to work with or someone you went to school with. Meh

I doubt I will ever see my ex again. We don’t live near each other, have never kept in touch, and ended on bad terms. But a friend ran into him a few years ago and told me he wasn’t doing well. Bad health, and a job that he would’ve considered beneath him. I was sad to hear it. He deserves happiness. I hope his life has improved since then.

I am happy with what happened to him R15. And it was easy to find out his criminal history.

And isn’t it interesting that you guys have chosen to defend a junkie. Shows more about you than my posts show about me.

So says the guy who is stalking his ex.

R19 If his life is so bad and yours is so great, why do you need us to be on your side? Now you claim he’s a junkie. He looks like shit and drives a piece of shit car. You dumped HIM (20 years ago) Yet you seem to be obsessed with him and desperately need us to join you in bashing him on an anonymous online forum. I guarantee he isn’t somewhere thinking or talking about you. Honestly you seem like the loser in this story.

Who ever said I need you on my side R21?

R7 i wasn't refering to your ex, i was talking about all the people in your life. You have minus 100 empathy. There wasn't one iota of empathy for someone whos life went off the rails.

Schadenfreude is real, people!

I’m not into that shit

R23 his life went off the rails in spite of everyone he knew trying to stop him. He was spiraling down for months and rebuffed everyone’s help. And when he lost everything, his job, his apartment and most of his possessions he lashed out at all of us acting like we hadn’t done anything to help. That’s when we all cut him off. The only time he’d reach out was for drug money and nobody ever gave him any. And he got arrested soon after that

It could be worse for the ex he could still be with OP.

OP, Whey would you celebrate the misfortune of someone you once cared about and who cared about you? We all have the capacity to be petty and certainly if someone was abusive and vindictive toward you, you might have to work hard to get past it. But really dude, if you are now in a good place yourself, you have developed the perspective and compassion to understand YOUR patterns and forgive the pain of that relationship. This kind of post doesn't suggest a very strong character.

My ex put himself on RentMen.

^ Well, isn't it just like him to start bringing in the bucks AFTER you broke-up? 😠

We know, R29.

R28 because sometimes you find out the person you cared for no longer exists.

[quote][R28] because sometimes you find out the person you cared for no longer exists.

Then the need for vengeance, which is what Schadenfreude is, is even less appropriate. If someone you once cared about is diminished, how is that a win for you? That is not a rhetorical question. You are better than this

Without exception, I wish my ex partners the best.

The fact that half of them are dead kinda helps.

I found out a long time ago that Karma isn't nearly as sweet as it sounds. Carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Such a waste of energy. Indifference is probably the best revenge

R26 this entire situation is some fantasy you’ve made up. AGAIN, if all that happened TWENTY YEARS AGO, then how did you recently run into him and “discover his life turned to shit” when “his life went off the rails” WAY BACK THEN and everyone abandoned him because of it. Lie better next time. And get some help.

My ex has become a bitter, rancid old sow who constantly posts racist shit on message boards like… wait

At least you weren't singing "The Surrey With the Fringe on Top" when he walked in

Huh, R38?

This post is for idiot R36. Everything that happened to him when his life turned to shit happened about 20 years ago. All of his friends turned their backs on him when he got into drugs, lost everything and served time. I found out from some of those friends that after he got out of jail he moved out of state. Hence my surprise when I saw him pull up in his shit car the other day. Until then I hadn't thought about him in years and didn't care to know where he was what he might be doing or if he was even alive.

Read better next time. And get some help.

[quote] his life went off the rails in spite of everyone he knew trying to stop him. He was spiraling down for months and rebuffed everyone’s help. And when he lost everything, his job, his apartment and most of his possessions he lashed out at all of us acting like we hadn’t done anything to help. That’s when we all cut him off. The only time he’d reach out was for drug money and nobody ever gave him any. And he got arrested soon after that

So what, though? Sounds like he already got his comeuppance way back then. (Alienated by everybody, nobody lending him money, arrested.)

My ex is my best friend. We were together for decades, and now we've been friends for decades. He moved down the block from my partner of decades and me, and we see him all the time. I'm very thankful for this.

So did you say hi to him OP? Did he recognize you?

My exes from when I was a teen all got hit with the ugly stick.

I have neither the time nor the energy to even think about my exes from 20+ years ago, let alone give a shit what they're up to.

Lots of frothy sanctimony on this thread.

Frothy like Santorum, R46.

I'm friends with all three of them. I was like OP's lover, hooked on meth, lost everything. They all tried to help me but when you're on a downward slide and feeling sorry for yourself, addicts like me have to save themselves. When I came back to "life" again they were there and they still are today (20 years later). I would not have any satisfaction or schadenfreude in seeing any one of them really down on their luck the way I was back then I still love them.

R48=fuckin' lame.

r33 "need for vengeance, which is what Schadenfreude is"

No.

I have an ex from over 20 years ago that a come across in my neighborhood only a handful of times. About 6 months ago I saw someone at my local supermarket that sort of reminded me of him. But he looked considerably older and was significantly thinner and looked somewhat frail and perhaps sickly. About 10-15 minutes later I saw the same person at one of the checkout counters and from his profile and his mannerisms I realized it was in fact him. His skin looked off color and yellowish, like someone who has a liver disease. That's when it hit me he must be dealing with a serious illness. Although we parted on bad terms I still tried to be cordial and friendly the few times I encountered him. I must admit I felt bad for him, and did not feel any satisfaction.

" Well, isn't it just like him to start bringing in the bucks AFTER you broke-up?"

Happened to me after I left. Guy finally got his shit together, stopped drinking and drugging, went back to school to get his bachelors and masters degrees and got a job making a 6 figure salary.

Guess I got off that gravy train at the wrong station.

I can understand where OP might be coming from. Two of my ex's I am on great terms with and am happy they they are doing reasonably well. Third ex.... well yeah I got mixed feelings. He was an abusive alcoholic, and he's now at the other end of the country which suits me just fine. I have no interest in being tangled with his constant dramas if he is still having those. Last time we spoke a few years back, he told me he'd stopped drinking, but I've heard all that before. That said if he actually has cleaned up and got his shit together I'd be happy for him, but I detached from him years ago so I'll never know

Not gonna lie .. if I find out the life a guy who dumped me 35 years ago turned to shit, I'd get a warm glow.

I leave appalling calling cards on their tombstones.

Especially at Memorial Day and other times like birthdays and death dates when visitors are apt to stop by.

”if I find out the life a guy who dumped me 35 years ago turned to shit, I'd get a warm glow"

Understand feeling that way. But in reality would it erase all the pain and heartache you had to go through? No. Why? It was supposed to happen, it was your life path. You survived it. Live in the present .

I walked out of an abusive relationship once he laid his hands on me, disappeared for two weeks so he couldn’t find me and started anew.

I left behind a beautiful Boston South End penthouse apartment full of furniture and belongings with a handful of things. It was a comfortable life except for the abuse, that’s what they count on, you know. He had surgically removed any outside support system of my former friends. He was gorgeous, convivial and a popular bad boy character with a great job and a big dick, an infamous character in Boston’s gay nightlife and knew absolutely everybody, I fell head over heels for him.

I found out by accident he was a drunk, because he hid it so well. One day the power wasn’t working at work, and I came home at 10am instead to find him sitting at the counter drinking a glass of wine, he explained it away that day.

Then I got sick , and I needed to apply for health insurance and he refused to give me a bank statement I needed to verify income for the application. I snuck it out of the closet while he was at work one day. Hundreds of dollars of midafternoon purchases of liquor from a packing store, and he’d hide or drink it before I came back. He’d insist on having afternoon parties every single weekend even when I did not, inviting all sorts of people into our home- so he could stock all this liquor as an excuse to have it around.

On a binge and argumentative, he had grabbed my foot and pulled be off the bed violently the night before because i was ignoring him and needed to wake up early the next day. I woke up that morning while he was getting ready for work, when I opened my eyes a voice in my mind said loudly, “You need to leave, you need to leave NOW”. The tone of voice was insistent, I called my best friend and arranged to head to his house several blocks away. That was 30 years ago and I never hear that voice ever again.

My ex actually came back because he forgot something, and was laughing and didn’t take me seriously as I piled everything I could by the front door to carry. It took a dozen trips and was a blur. He kept laughing at me and didn’t take me seriously until the very last trip and I said goodbye and he suddenly realized it wasn’t a joke. I only saw him once after that to pay him some money for an old bill, and he sat in the room convinced he could win me back and started blaming me for his predicament when he could not. Classic narcissistic behavior, he really thought he had me under his thumb. This actually incensed and motivated me to move outside the city to Dorchester for awhile so I wouldn’t see him.

He completely disappeared from all the clubs we frequented, and one time I saw his friend and inquired where he had gone. He quipped, “Oh honey, it’s because he’s drinking at HOME now! He’d been kicked out of the apartment.

About a decade later on Thanksgiving, a bit tipsy, I called his mom and thanked her for her support when we were together.

The next day he called me, caught off guard because I didn’t recognize the raspy, scratchy voice when he tearfully confided,

“YOU WERE THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED!”

This is when I realized it’s dangerous to keep tabs or seek vengeance on an ex, and it’s best to let sleeping dogs sleep.

Many of us have had abusive exes but r57 captures the gist of it. Thanks Eldersage.

🎵 If someone said count your blessings now…

OP. Your Kink Is Karma. Seriously.

Get thee to the Chappell buddy!

I looked up an ex on facebook a few years ago. He had long scraggly hair and a completely unkept beard. He looked a lot like Charles Manson or just an average homeless schizophrenic. I was feeling bad about my appearance at the time so seeing him in that state put a little spring in my step.

Our fellow poster at r56 just doesn't get it despite saying it does, eh r61?

Active addicts hurt everybody close to them, deeply. Even to the point that they can linger 20 years later and are cause for starting a thread on an anonymous message board.

OP, you didn't cause your ex's addiction, you couldn't control it, and you couldn't cure it.

My heart goes out to anybody close to an addict that has, or is, experiencing pain from it.

I pass along some wise words said to me that helped: "You're not responsible for learning somebody else's life lessons for them."

I suggest you attend an Al-Anon meeting. It doesn't matter how far back the actual circumstances happened. What matters is that you're still affected by that situation.

Al-Anon is for you, not the addict.

Does anyone ever truly get over anyone?

If you love someone and they exit your life, where does the love go?

[quote]”if I find out the life a guy who dumped me 35 years ago turned to shit, I'd get a warm glow"

All this dumping and shitting. I can't keep track of who's the asshole and who's turning to shit.

The guy from 35 years ago doesn't remember your name but remembers feeling like he dodged a bullet. We see why.

[quote]Ah, the satisfaction of running into an ex

Just the once, or did you back up over him before speeding away, dear?

It completely depends on the dynamics of the relationship and the breakup.

I have four guys out there I'd call exes (dated at least 3mo) and three of them are good people all in all and I wish them well. The fourth, who turned mean and malevolent, I'm bitterly glad to see how his life fell apart. It wasn't instant karma, rather the slow, grinding, interlocking accretion of more and more estrangements and enemies.

R67 is correct.

@r64, "Does anyone ever truly get over anyone? "

Yes, it can take awhile, but eventually you file away those feelings with all the other emotions that come and go throughout your life. Then they just become a reference point when taking life's inventory. Your first kiss, your first puppy, the death of loved ones. They're all there, just filed away and put in the proper perspective

R67 is frightening, declaring life to be a geological process and extruding "bitterly" into that metamorphic mess.

Down, girl.

I have one ex-BF from a long, long time ago. I was so young and stupid about relationships, I just believed everything he said. I wouldn't mind seeing him down in the dumps.

bump

Op' story is about some whose life was shit 20 years ago due to drug addiction.

You are still happy his life (according to you) is shit?

Drug addiction twists people into monsters and kills them off, one by one.

If you find satisfaction in that, you're a cunt.

To R7, did he get send to a bad prison, did he get violated by lots of dirty, smelly prisoners. Did they pull a weekend party on his white ass, crush his man-pussy? Asking for a friend!!

Am I accreting or is it hot in here?

bump

Now I'm sitting here contemplating "the need for vengeance, which is what Schadenfreude is". While there are common elements, I don't think Schadenfreude is vengeance. Vengeance is actively seeking retribution against someone who has wronged you, while Schadenfreude is merely a feeling; fleeting pleasure that someone else is experiencing repercussions of their malfeasance.

I experience Schadenfreude that Shady JD Vance keeps digging himself into holes, but as of yet, I have no need for vengeance. Now, if he's elected and helps take away my marriage, I'll feel the need for vengeance.

tell us about the vicious face-slappings?

[quote]If you love someone and they exit your life, where does the love go?

It goes to hell, that's where it goes.

Sounds like your ex dodged a bullet, OP

Has it been established whether OP is a man or a frau?

OP types Midwestern Frau.

I just came upon a two-year old obituary not of an ex, but someone I went out with a couple of times in the early ‘80s. My lone memory of him was him telling me I was a “good looking Christopher Reeve.”

Why would that be satisfying, OP? You must have had a bad break up. In that case, I would never want to see that person again, that would make me feel bad.

Counterfactuals aren't usually true and a bore. What happened happened and one little decision here or there probably wouldn't have made any real differernce in your life. Dumping me sped a couple of my exes to fame and fortune, but since I clearly careed more than they did at the time, I'm not jealous of anybody they are with now.

And if they think my life is shit, well, we never had the same values so who cares?