I made a small, ahem, “mess” in my new boyfriend’s sheets. What should I do?

Depends.

OP, I was going to say that this thread was going to end in tears for you, but alas I see it's a magazine column.

The best prevention of such things is to use a bidet. I know it's probably "not healthy" — but letting it fill me up and flushing beforehand if I'm bottoming leaves me prepared almost all the time. Not to mention, it feels amazing if your bidet has good, strong water pressure.

“Bed sitting, not bed shitting!”

Queerty is not a magazine, really, and no "reader" wrote that "ask Jake" "letter". It's all fake. FAKE FAKE FAKE. One could of course make a poop mess when fucking.

OP created a poop thread. That is all. 😱💩😱💩😱💩😱💩😱💩😱💩😱💩😱💩😱💩😱💩

Shit happens

Learn to be a better bottom. Duh.

Start with washing the shitty sheets. Then worry about who is going to fill your prolapsed hole next.

When you play in mud, sometimes get dirty.

Any caring and companionate top will not have an issue. If he does, RED FLAG.

OP, I would have said to the affect "Oh gosh, let me take these home and launder them. I'll get them back to you tomorrow. Do you have a fresh set of sheets I can help put on the bed?"

Being a gentleman, and knowing that "shit happens", he would have replied "Don't be silly. It's no big deal. I'll take care of it later."

End of discussion.

R8 agreed. You can expect a bit of shit if you put your dick in someone's ass.

What a load of shit, OP!

r10 That should be the rare exception if you're a good bottom

Meh - if it's someone I wanted to date and he actually seemed sorry about making a mess, I wouldn't care. If he acted like a jackass and got self-righteous, especially if he told me to "get over it," I'd suggest it might be better if he left. You don't want to date someone with that kind of crappy attitude. Even if it's a predictable consequence of a man going up into another man, you still want someone with the decency to be sorry for making a mess if you're going to date the person.

If it's a hookup, that's just the chance you take.

Speaking as a married top, if he fucks you a lot, then sooner or later even the most prepped bottom is going to have a minor poop accident. Three magic words, Just Keep Going. Acknowledge it, clean it up and move on.

Did the top happen to be named Gwyneth Paltrow?

Oxy* for your boxy

r14 "Three magic words, Just Keep Going"

Gross no. The 3 magic words from the bottom should be "Be right back" - go clean up.

R17, ha, no, I did not mean just keep on fucking the poopy butt. In this case the bottom did not know he'd made a mess until he saw the stain afterward.

I meant just keep going afterward, take care of the situation and move on, vs swirling down into a protracted shame spiral about it. This poor guy... he packed the words mortified, yucky, disgust, humiliation, shame, grossed out, embarrassed into two short paragraphs.

What a crappy shituation to find yourself in. This guy really stepped in it. That stinks!!!!

Buy brown sheets.

r18 Ohhh, got it. I misunderstood

Now you have a reputation

Call RotoRooter

"We all step in doo doo at some point..."

This is why I preferred to fuck in the shower.

Not that a bit of poop bothers me that much but there's no telling how embarrassed a sweet guy will be when this happens in bed.

And then there are guys who are offended when you scrub your dick with soap and water afterwards. Hey! It's not an insult. It means I want you to suck me again later before I fuck you again.

Do you live in a Right To Die state?

Take a bottle of Seconal and walk into the ocean.

[quote] Buy brown sheets

This!! I can be a very aggressive top, or a bossy bottom. Either way, when a hook up is coming to my place, I always have a special pair of brown sheets I put on the bed to minimise embarrassment if any incident happens!

This is why, as a top, I always travel. He can mess up his own sheets.

Of the hundreds of guys I have fucked, this has never happened. What alleys do they find fuck buds in?

I'm a top, and this happened to me only once with a random hookup. I certainly understood - accidents happen - but I couldn't go on. Totally ruined it for me, went limp. I did everything I could to not make him feel embarrassed - part of the risk of this game - but I also couldn't keep going.

I've had it happen many times but that's because I'm hung and dig deep! Once you punch through that second hole, all bets are off.

This is why I don’t eat for exactly 36 hours before sex!

Like I said. Do it in the shower.

I can't believe this has never happened to some of you.

Continue to disbelieve it r35. It has happened to some degree to anyone with even minimal anal sex experience. Expectations from porn are being mixed in here.

Yes, if you are bottoming you should know to douche. But I've known guys who can get away with a finger clean when they shower. Other inexperienced guys see anal sex porn and don't even realize a full shit up there might be a problem.

As a (mostly) top I insist on a shower fuck the first time. I can't tell you how many dirty or full asses I've encountered. No I am not a prostitute, just an old gay guy with decades of experience.

You have come to the right place OP. These things happen. I recommend that you remove excess " organic material " first and soak all the linens including the mattress pad in warm water using an enzyme presoak product such as "Biz" for 30 minute to an hour. If there is any organic matter on the mattress itself you will need to tackle that with some Lysol and an upholstery machine.

If the bed linens are bleachable wash in hot water on the longest cycle and use bleach. If the washing machine has a heated sanitary cycle make sure to use it.

If the bed linens are not bleachable, still use hot water and use a good quality powder detergent such as Gain or Tide. Use a laundry disinfectant in the final rinse. You can use an undiluted liquid household disinfectant such as Odo-Ban or Lysol as well.

Follow my instructions and your bed linens and reputation will once again be clean!

An acquaintance called one of his hookups "chunks" after a similar event.

Stealth scat thread?

How about putting down a large thick shower towel (or 2) on the bed before fucking commences?

I've always done this.

R37, an upholstery machine, really?

"Sorry man, I'll be right back, let me get my upholstery machine out of the car..."

I have a huge collection of vintage sheets. Sometime in the 20th century Europe produced a kind of sheet that is very tightly woven thick cotton canvas. in the 80s and 90s you could pick them up in thrift stores when a rich family died out and their linen collections were dispersed. They are indestructible and stains release in machines at 90C or 100C. I call them my fuck sheets. I actually had three stacks. One stack was fuck sheets, another I used picnics (only in the shade, as they are blinding white) and a third were drop clothes. I wonder if they were in fact made as drop cloths for seasonal houses. See: Orlando walking through her palatial home.