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Onward Griftin’ Soldiers

On the Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe!

by Anonymousreply 47July 17, 2024 8:44 PM

Kevin Sessums is an asshole, but he is a human asshole who isn't famous enough to be incessantly stalked here, have accidents and ill health wished on him, and to have his health problems mocked.

by Anonymousreply 1July 2, 2024 4:02 AM

She plopped on her bed (FINALLY!) displaying he FILTHY jeans with obvious stains on them

by Anonymousreply 2July 2, 2024 4:07 AM

Kevin Sessums stealth scat thread

by Anonymousreply 3July 2, 2024 4:11 AM

Hall monitor fuck all the way off

by Anonymousreply 4July 2, 2024 4:53 PM

OP, tf are you talking about?

by Anonymousreply 5July 2, 2024 4:57 PM

Behind every hall monitor accusation is another hall monitor with an agenda. Don't fuck a fucker asshole.

by Anonymousreply 6July 2, 2024 5:10 PM

Outside - right now!!

by Anonymousreply 7July 3, 2024 1:00 AM


by Anonymousreply 8July 3, 2024 4:11 PM

Still running to Kevin Sessums stalking threads at once; still making sure everyone knows what a scourge you lot are because he was mean to you in the 90s.

by Anonymousreply 9July 4, 2024 6:36 AM


by Anonymousreply 10July 4, 2024 10:45 AM

Our adventures continue

by Anonymousreply 11July 7, 2024 1:00 PM

Once upon a time, nestled amidst the golden wheat fields of Saskatchewan, lived a young fellow named Kevin Sessums. Unlike others who dreamt of wrangling cattle or unearthing dinosaur bones, Kevin yearned for words. He’d spend hours weaving tales that sparkled with wit and whimsy, his imagination a boundless prairie where characters galloped and mythical creatures roamed. One crisp morning, while exploring the vast Grasslands National Park, Kevin stumbled upon a peculiar sight – an old, leather-bound book tucked beneath a gnarled saskatoon bush. Curiosity piqued, he brushed off the dirt, revealing the inscription: ‘Tales Untold’. Intrigued, Kevin opened the book, and as he did, a whirlwind whisked him away to a fantastical land. In this land, words were not mere scribbles on a page, but living, breathing entities. Letters transformed into fantastical creatures, sentences bloomed into enchanting landscapes, and stories unfolded like magical tapestries. Kevin, with his gift for storytelling, was hailed as a hero. He befriended a wise old proverb perched on a semicolon and a mischievous group of commas who loved to play hide-and-seek amidst paragraphs. Together, they embarked on countless adventures, battling grumpy adverbs who hoarded synonyms and rescuing misplaced prepositions from the clutches of ambiguity. Kevin’s stories, filled with humor and heart, brought joy and laughter to the land. With each tale he spun, the world around him grew brighter, the colors sharper, and the characters more real. News of Kevin’s exploits reached the ears of the benevolent Queen of Syntax, who ruled over the realm of language. Recognizing Kevin’s unique talent, the Queen bestowed upon him a magical quill, crafted from a moonbeam and a shooting star. With this quill, Kevin’s stories flowed with an otherworldly grace, his words weaving spells that enchanted all who heard them. Finally, after many adventures, Kevin knew it was time to return home. The Queen, with a heavy heart, waved him goodbye, reminding him that the power of stories resided within him. Back in Saskatchewan, Kevin emerged from beneath the saskatoon bush, forever changed by his experience. He continued to write, his tales imbued with the magic of the land he had visited. His stories, filled with wonder and whimsy, became beloved by all, a testament to the power of imagination and the enduring enchantment of words.

by Anonymousreply 12July 7, 2024 1:56 PM

Every Kevin Sessums thread is a scat thread. 💩

by Anonymousreply 13July 7, 2024 1:57 PM

I have you ignored you fucking psycho but replying to yourself just evidences your mental illness

by Anonymousreply 14July 7, 2024 2:37 PM

He’s currently running an anti-Biden campaign 🙄

by Anonymousreply 15July 7, 2024 2:48 PM

Has Tunis happened yet? I've been saving my popcorn through the trailers because I like to eat it during the feature.

by Anonymousreply 16July 7, 2024 2:49 PM

Still ensconced in the casita. Filling it with the stench of egg plops🤣

by Anonymousreply 17July 7, 2024 2:53 PM

Kevin Sessums wandered the labyrinthine streets of Barcelona, a forgotten map clutched in his hand. A mischievous glint in his eye, he surrendered to the city's embrace, each twist revealing a story waiting to be unraveled. As dusk painted the sky in fiery hues, he stumbled upon a hidden plaza, alive with flamenco music. In that moment, Kevin knew his tale was about to be rewritten.

by Anonymousreply 18July 7, 2024 2:58 PM

At that moment Kevin took a dump behind the bandstand.

by Anonymousreply 19July 7, 2024 3:09 PM

Kevin Sessums wasn't your typical marching band recruit. While others dreamt of sousaphones and snappy salutes, Kevin yearned for the whimsical tap dance of the drum major's baton. He practiced baton twirls in his room, the wooden stick a silver streak against his emerald green uniform. During parades, Kevin's baton transformed into a glittering conductor's wand, weaving a silent symphony in the air. Though some chuckled, Kevin knew his own rhythm, his heart drumming a solo to the beat of a different story.

by Anonymousreply 20July 7, 2024 3:28 PM

A Datalounge sage named Estelle, On a Z-list Sessums would dwell. She'd chronicle coughs, And analyze scoffs, Then dissect every mundane detail.

by Anonymousreply 21July 7, 2024 3:37 PM

Their every post, a chronicle of days,

Unfolding lives where fame but faintly gleams,

Obsessive fans who write in meager praise,

Of minor stars who haunt their waking dreams.

They track each like, dissect each posted phrase,

A comment sighed, a photo analyzed,

As if a life unfolds in pixel haze,

And cryptic captions hold a truth disguised.

But oh, the distance from this fervent screen

To where the subject sips a latte cold,

Unaware of the fervor, rarely seen,

That fills these hearts with stories to be told.

Perhaps a life less ordinary's craved,

Yet near at hand, a world to be embraced.

by Anonymousreply 22July 7, 2024 3:48 PM

Oh he wrote about his stint in the hideously overwrought TALES OF THE CITY….Where he played an asshole (basically himself), and he wrote about “ad-libbing” a goodbye “nipple tweak” in a “bathhouse scene”. FUCKING GROSS!! I told you that was the kind of queen he was…always trying to make things “sexual”. Ask Sam Shepard, ask Michael J. Fox….both HIGHLY REPULSED by his inappropriate sexual obsessions.

by Anonymousreply 23July 7, 2024 6:06 PM

In flickering feeds, where fame contends with fad,

A lesser light, by chance, my gaze did hold.

Beyond the poats, a spirit ever glad,

A gentle soul, in stories yet untold.

Obscured by throngs, yet with a voice so keen,

A quiet wit, a wisdom all your own,

You sparked a flame, unseen, yet bright, within

A whispered dream, a heart no longer lone.

For fame may wane, but love will brightly burn,

In tender words and moments meant to share.

With you, my dear, a different path we'll learn,

A love story, for us, a world to wear.

by Anonymousreply 24July 7, 2024 6:10 PM

You can really breathe in Santa Fe

They've got a lot of space

There'll be a place where I can stay

🩲 🧼

by Anonymousreply 25July 7, 2024 6:25 PM

Kevin, your light shines,

Warmth fills all who know you near,

We need you, friend, here.

by Anonymousreply 26July 7, 2024 6:41 PM

Backup Kevin Sessums stalking thread because they are periodically deleted.

by Anonymousreply 27July 11, 2024 4:51 AM

Our dear drawer scrubboing friend has at last featured on the grim pillager pages!

Bonus performative Black Friend

by Anonymousreply 28July 11, 2024 11:20 AM

Ali McGraw attacked the grime on the drawers with a vengeance, the vinegar solution stinging her nostrils. Across the room, Kevin Sessums hummed an off-key sea shanty as he wrestled with particularly stubborn drawers. Motes danced in the afternoon sun slanting through the window, highlighting the years of neglect the old drawers had endured. A comfortable silence settled between them, punctuated only by the rhythmic scrape of sponges and the occasional grunt of effort. Despite the arduous task, a sense of shared purpose bloomed, a promise of a fresh start gleaming beneath the layer of forgotten memories.

by Anonymousreply 29July 11, 2024 11:20 AM

Meanwhile, rain lashed against the windowpane, mimicking the rhythm of the Irishman's drumming fingers. Perched on the edge of her bed, wrapped in a thick cardigan despite the July chill, he scrolled through a gay gossip website. His psoriasis flared on her elbows, a constant reminder of his anxieties. Instead of focusing on the latest political scandal, the Irishman found himself fixated on a photo caption for a report – "Presented by Kevin Sessums, filling in for..." Her mind spiraled. What was Kevin Sessums doing? Is he that desperate for money? The Irishman sighed, realizing the absurdity of his obsession. Yet, with a self-deprecating chuckle, he clicked on Kevin Sessums's Facebook page, a temporary escape into the lives of minor media figures offering a strange comfort in the storm.

by Anonymousreply 30July 11, 2024 11:21 AM

All while, Gertrude, her sensible shoes squeaking on the linoleum floor, balanced a steaming mug of chamomile tea precariously on the edge of her computer desk. The rain lashed against the farmhouse windows in a way that mirrored the nervous flutter in her chest. Today was the day. Today, she might finally get a response from Kevin Sessums.

Kevin Sessums wasn't some Hollywood A-lister Gertrude stalked from the shadows of supermarket tabloids. No, Kevin Sessums was far more thrilling, far more niche. Kevin Sessums was the managing editor of a magazine in the dim recesses of the 1990s. A time capsule of butterfly clips and neon scrunchies, a world Gertrude desperately craved a connection to, even at the ripe age of 52.

For months, Gertrude, under the username "Oregon_Dreamer94" (the year of her most tragic perm), had been religiously commenting on a sparsely populated online forum, resurrected from the digital graveyard of the internet. Her questions, meticulously crafted to appear youthful and enthusiastic ("OMG Kevin Sessums! Do you think glitter lip gloss will ever make a comeback?"), had gone unanswered. But today, Gertrude had a secret weapon: a vintage subscription box she'd miraculously found online. Armed with a picture of a bewildered-looking teenage Gertrude sporting a butterfly hair clip and a questionable acid-wash jacket, Gertrude nervously typed, "Guess who was a subscriber way back when? Me! #NeverForget."

A notification popped up. Kevin Sessums had replied with a single emoji: a sparkly unicorn. Gertrude nearly spilled her tea. A single emoji, but it was a response! In that moment, the rain outside wasn't a dreary Oregon downpour, it was the roar of a rock concert. "Maybe," Gertrude thought, a mischievous glint in her eye, "I can finally snag an interview for the local newsletter about the '90s. Kevin Sessums wouldn't stand a chance." The hausfrau with a thirst for Vanity Fair nostalgia was on the prowl.

by Anonymousreply 31July 11, 2024 11:21 AM

The flickering light of Darren's basement monitor cast an unflattering glow on his thinning hair and Star Wars t-shirt stretched taut across his midsection. On the screen, Kevin Sessums, the man who'd gleefully tossed his dreams into the editorial shredder, smirked smugly from a rooftop bar in Santa Fe. Neon lights splashed across his face, highlighting the crow's feet that no amount of Botox could erase. The caption boasted about "Small town Santa Fe "

Darren, once a rising star in the 90s gay lit scene, had been Kevin's golden boy until his second novel – a flamboyant exploration of a genderfluid superhero – landed with a thud. Kevin, ever the trend-chaser, declared superheroes "over" and relegated Darren's opus to the slush pile, a public execution disguised as a scathing review.

His career, once a meteor blazing across the literary sky, fizzled into a flickering emergency exit sign. Now, a decade and a string of dead-end content writing gigs later, Darren found solace in the petty kingdom of Kevin Sessums's Facebook Page and substack newsletters. He devoured every post, dissecting Kevin's filtered life with the precision of a literary critic. A poorly framed photo? A caption riddled with typos? Darren documented it all in a meticulously crafted spreadsheet titled "Kevin Sessums's Downfall: A Play-by-Play."

Fueled by a particularly cheap bottle of red wine, Darren left a comment one night. Not a scathing one, but a seemingly innocuous, "Looks like you found the inspiration for your next bestseller, Kevin! Great shot." His heart hammered in his chest when a like popped up under his comment. Kevin Sessums himself had acknowledged him. A manic glee took hold of Darren. He spent the next few days crafting the perfect response, witty and cutting, yet subtle enough to fly under the radar.

The like became a comment, then a short exchange, a digital game of cat and mouse. Days turned into weeks, the comments growing more barbed, laced with veiled references only they would understand. Darren, for the first time in years, felt a spark of his old fire, a twisted satisfaction in tormenting his nemesis. He even started writing again, not a superhero novel, but a scathing satire about the power-hungry world of publishing, with a character suspiciously resembling a certain arrogant, aging editor.

One morning, Darren woke to a notification. An email, not from some soulless content mill, but from Kevin Sessums himself. It was short, to the point: "Starbucks. Tomorrow. Bathroom." Darren stared, a mixture of terror and exhilaration coursing through him. Was this a trap? A final humiliation? He didn't care. For the first time in a decade, Darren felt like he was back in the game. He typed a single word in response: "Fine."

by Anonymousreply 32July 11, 2024 11:21 AM

Shhh! Kevin Sessums all tired! Busy building big block tower. Don't want make big boom! Let Kevin Sessums play nice and quiet. Maybe sing soft song instead? Kevin happy, you happy!

by Anonymousreply 33July 12, 2024 6:44 AM

Wherefore art thou fellow pilgrims?

by Anonymousreply 34July 12, 2024 7:03 PM

Addicted to the juice you get from stalking Kevin Sessums. Pathetic.

by Anonymousreply 35July 12, 2024 7:06 PM

You are addicted to your psycho defence posting. Fuck you

by Anonymousreply 36July 12, 2024 8:01 PM

Letting go can be difficult, but it's an essential part of moving on and healing. Here are some tips to help you let go of something that's holding you back:

* Acknowledge your feelings. Allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up, whether it's sadness, anger, or frustration. Trying to suppress your emotions will only make it harder to let go

* Practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself during this process. Letting go takes time, and there will be setbacks along the way.

* Focus on what you can control. You can't control the past or what other people do, but you can control your own thoughts, actions, and reactions

* Find healthy ways to express your emotions. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist, write in a journal, or express yourself creatively through art or music

* Create a positive mantra. A positive mantra can help you reframe negative thoughts and focus on moving forward. * Forgive yourself and others. Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning what happened, but it does mean letting go of resentment and anger.

* Seek professional help. If you're struggling to let go on your own, a therapist can provide support and guidance.

by Anonymousreply 37July 12, 2024 8:14 PM

Asking a 1970s film star to handwash your underpants can be a humbling experience. Here are some mechanisms to cope and broach the discussion:

* You’re a gal on the go. Let them know you’ll be off to Morocco in a couple weeks and unable to reenter the country for months. No more scrubbo-ing from them for at least a couple quarters.

* Live within your health journey. A diet rich in egg yolks and fatty fish create an inevitability of soiled drawers — it’s not your fault.

* You’re beyond the frame of fame. Maybe you once had the community and resources to pay for a wash-and-fold service, but that’s not the case anymore. Maybe you don’t have access to a roll of quarters for the coin-op laundromat anymore. Give yourself the space to ask for help.

* Seek help. Enlist your obsessive internet defendrice to do something more than troll harder than even your most ardent detractors.

by Anonymousreply 38July 13, 2024 2:51 AM

There are a few reasons why someone might struggle to use Kevin Sessums's name. Here are some tips that might help:

[Bold] Identify the reason: [/Bold] Is it anxiety about remembering Kevin Sessums correctly? Shyness? Or something else entirely? Understanding the root cause can help you address it.

[Bold]Practice positive reinforcement:[/Bold] When you do manage to say Kevin Sessums correctly, acknowledge it! A simple "I remembered your name!" can boost your confidence.

[Bold] Use memory tricks [/Bold] Try associating Kevin Sessums's' name with something memorable, like a famous person with the same name or a character from a movie.

[Bold] Be upfront [/Bold] If you forget Kevin Sessums's name, a simple "Excuse me, I'm terrible with names, but what was yours again?" is a perfectly acceptable way to ask

by Anonymousreply 39July 13, 2024 5:03 AM

Seek professional help you cunt - Sessums won’t love you back however hard you post

by Anonymousreply 40July 13, 2024 9:13 AM

Kevin Sessums is an asshole, but he is a human asshole who isn't famous enough to be incessantly stalked here, have accidents and ill health wished on him, and to have his health problems mocked.

by Anonymousreply 41July 13, 2024 9:53 AM

He's friendly with the Dark Angel in the sky, and they have evening chats?? You in danger girl!

by Anonymousreply 42July 14, 2024 3:46 PM

Hooray! A new Kevin Sessums post!

by Anonymousreply 43July 14, 2024 4:04 PM

New Kevin Sessums post!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 44July 15, 2024 7:34 PM

Kevin Sessums thread number 4!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 45July 17, 2024 7:34 PM

He should be so honored.

by Anonymousreply 46July 17, 2024 8:40 PM

In forums deep, where trolls and creeps,

Slithered and slid, with vacant sleeps,

A thread arose, with sizzling might,

Of grifting soldiers, a wondrous sight!

Lurkers lurked, with eyes so keen,

But not for armies, their sights unseen.

For Kevin Sessums, was their quest,

To stalk his life, and put it to the test.

Like bloodhounds sniffing, tails a-wag,

Through comments, likes, they followed his lag.

A mention here, a whisper there,

A web they spun, a stalker's lair.

Oh, the Webstalkers, they were quite sly,

Peeking and prying with a shifty eye.

Sessums' secrets, they longed to know, Like a tangled mess, they'd watch him grow.

So next you browse, in the digital night,

Beware the stalkers, with their prying might.

For even in forums, all fun and games,

There might be Webstalkers, calling your names!

by Anonymousreply 47July 17, 2024 8:44 PM
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