May I be excused?

Yes. My sister made her kids do it and they are Gen Z

No, we didn't do any of that here in Europe. I was so confused when I saw that for the first time in American TV shows and movies. That and calling your dad "sir" just blew my mind.

Yes.

Yes. It’s a dinner table not a trough.

My maternal grandmother made us ask to be excused from the table.

R2 we don't really do it here either. Seems like a leftover southern tradition from Gone with the Wind

Not me. At supper’s end I would look around the table at all my family and say, “I excuse you all,” and then get up and head out to the nearest discotheque.

We never did that, but when I spent the night with some of my friends, their families did it. I always felt weird asking someone else’s parents if I could be excused.

Not at home with my parents but whenever we were with other family or friends my mother made it clear that we had to ask to be excused from the table.

I don't think it's a bad custom.

Unaware it was an American thing.

“Load your plate in the dishwasher then go do your homework. NO TV!” was the usual reply.

I tried a Steve Martin "Well, excuuuuuuse me!" after one family dinner and no one laughed.

Yes. It’s why we Americans are porcine. Our parents imprisoned us at the table until we had had sufficient.

This was always a gamble. If I ask now will mom notice I ate no peas? Better hide them under the mash… or drop them into my napkin

Not growing up but at a stepparent’s house. Was very irritating not being free to just get up and go to the bathroom…. which I did anyway.

The worst was when I was at a friend’s house and had hands slapped because I touched food before they said grace. My family wasn’t crazy enough to be religious so I didn’t even know what was happening.

Europe here too and of course we do that albeit a little less formally. You don't just get up while you have dinner or lunch with people or on the middle of a conversation and just leave. That would be rude.

Europe here too and of course we do that albeit a little less formally. You don't just get up while you have dinner or lunch with people or on the middle of a conversation and just leave. That would be rude.

French exit.

Correct responses:

1. Let me see your plate.

2. Yes you may.

3. No you may not.

4. Not until you finish those lima beans.

5. Drink your milk.

Grew up in the 70s - we did it. We also got sent to bed if we didn’t finish our dinner - I chose bed over canned peas on more than one occasion.

Midwest US from the 80's. Yes we all had to ask to be excused from the table and that meant we had to start clearing plates and cleaning the dishes. The adults would remain at the table and have coffee.

No, not in those words, though some fleeting explanation was normal if leaving the table while others were eating or engaged. A simple "excuse me" was good if you wanted to leave temporarily to go to the bathroom, to let the cat out, etc. Otherwise if you might say, "excuse me, I have a lot of homework" or "I have to get ready to go to...".

There was no real question of permission, only a polite gesture to indicate that you weren't going away mad, just leaving the table and its company.

This is how you do it.

[quote][R2] we don't really do it here either. Seems like a leftover southern tradition from Gone with the Wind

It's more prevalent than you think.

Perhaps not in ultra-liberal households, where they're all about being non-conformists.

But they're not the majority in the USA.

I live in liberal Massachusetts and my sister and friends have taught their kids to ask permission to leave the table during a family dinner.

It's called manners.

No but we had to go to the kitchen and plate our meals the second the food was ready. Waiting a few minutes was considered rude and unacceptable. That was pretty much the only dinner rule. No asking to be excused, no saying grace and no assigned seating.

R24 Calling your father sir is not exactly a good manner term of endearment. Especially when he's hostile like a drill Sargent and yelling about demanding respect.

I like to think we ran a pretty strict household.

Not here. We would have dinner, dessert and it just kind of ended. We never had to ask to be excused.

Beaver Cleaver always had to ask to be excused from the table, and I always thought it was the oddest thing. We never had to do that as kids.

R24- Oh SHIT

MANNERS!

Yes we were not allowed to leave the table until we had eaten everything and then asked for permission to leave the table. "May I leave the table please?" but you couldn't ask until everyone had finished eating. Then we had to clean the plates off the table and take them to the kitchen. Then we could go. My parents were very strict. Gen X here.

Yes. i think it was partly to discourage kids from bolting down their food and returning to TV. As dysfunctional as my family and mealtime were at times, we did have discussions and children were allowed to talk. It was really the only time in the day that our family was together.

I'm sure some kids said that ca. 1966 but I think mostly it was something kids said at the dinner table on tv shows from the 1950's to the 1970's.

Phrases like-Honey I've kept a plate warm for you in the oven. I'm too tired to eat. I'm going right up to bed. That line is strictly for television.

Exactly, R32 - besides “good manners” I also think it was designed to promote the idea of dinner as a family event that was about more than eating - just because you were finished chowing-down didn’t mean you had no other social obligations.

My mother refused to put a portable TV in the kitchen like some of my friends had (70s Brooklyn) - “then there would be no conversation.” She also, on more than one occasion, criticized the way my dad was raised - “They just ate off of trays in front of the TV whenever; they never sat down to dinner as a family.”

This is obviously why American society is admired worldwide for it's courteous and respectful manners

Yes - the idea of cooking dinner, kids hastily eating and then running away when they felt like it is just rude.

You're sitting down as a family unit (hopefully). I think it teaches kids a little bit that it's not always about their wants and immediate desires.

Sure, it's a pain for kids sometimes to listen to adult conversation or their sibilings - but that's life.

Although I will say that parents have this idealized way of how dinnertime is SUPPOSED to go and it never does.

And if the phone rang during dinner time we were not to answer it.

We were raised with beautiful manners. It has taken me a long way. I have never felt "less than" or "out of my league" in any social or business situation. I am always a welcomed guest and get repeat invites all the time. I went to a small Southern all male college and we were issued an etiquette book the summer before freshman year. That way, boys that didn't have correct manners instilled in them by their parents still had a chance not to look like dirtbags. It helped even the playing field a bit. Included things like thank you notes, black tie wardrobe essentials and of course table manners.

“If it’s important they’ll call back,” R37.

R33 - We said “May I please be excused?” and my dad always gave a short whistle and a jaunty “Honey, I’m home!” when he waked in the door. This was mid-70s.

[quote] We were raised with beautiful manners. It has taken me a long way. I have never felt "less than" or "out of my league" in any social or business situation. I am always a welcomed guest and get repeat invites all the time. I went to a small Southern all male college and we were issued an etiquette book the summer before freshman year.

MARY.

[quote] The worst was when I was at a friend’s house and had hands slapped because I touched food before they said grace. My family wasn’t crazy enough to be religious so I didn’t even know what was happening.

I'm assuming that you were the first person to touch your food, period. If you're a guest, you're supposed to wait until the host starts eating or says it's okay to start eating.

If we wished to leave the room where adults were present, whether parents, grandmothers or others, we would have to ask to be excused or say, "Please excuse me," depending on the setting.

If it was at table, a child up to about 14 requested to be excused. Also, if it was a formal setting where a guest of honor was present, a reception of some kind, or we had been allowed to be present in an adult setting, we would request to be excused. As older teens we would use the "please excuse me" or "would you please excuse me" statements.

In more informal situations when we were at home and weren't at table, we could come and go as we wanted, unless we were having a more-private session or exchange with parents or grandmothers. Taking leave of an adult with which one was engaged in conversation always required a polite withdrawal.

Not all of these conventions applied to children or teens.

Once excused, we had to walk out of the room backwards so as not to turn our backs on the adults.

No, I never asked to be excused. I was a slow eater. Also, I had to take out the garbage when my sisters were done cleaning the table and kitchen so I wanted to prolong that.

r33, my mom always kept plates warm in the oven if my dad or older siblings would be late coming home. We had heavy stoneware dinner plates that she would load up, cover with foil and keep in the oven on low for a couple of hours past dinner. We didn't have a microwave until the early 1980s.

Grew up in an ultra-liberal San Francisco Bay Area family in the 1960s and 1970s. Our parents were first generation Americans from our European grandparents. Yes, you had to be "excused" or show some sort of respect and gratitude when leaving the dinner table. It was about manners. You could at least say something like, "Oh, I am SO stuffed, would anyone like anything while I get up?". "May I please go watch TV now?". The phrase "May I be excused?" generally meant that you didn't finish your plate, the meal was horrible, and you were bored by the conversation and/or Dad was getting drunk and obnoxious or hostile.

Sometimes Mom would count the exact number of Lima beans or Brussels sprouts you ate and tell you all about it. She'd say, "Do you want me to send these (leftover Lima beans) to the starving children in India?! to which you responded, "Yes, please DO send all Lima beans and Spinach to India. I will take them to the mailbox now".

I was the youngest of five. My siblings would leverage my lack of green vegetable consumption to make themselves look better. But sometimes we'd band together when red meat or pork was served -- we all hated it. You'd take a bite and chew it up, then discretely spit it out into your napkin, then ask to be excused to go to the bathroom, where you'd flush it down the toilet. We'd do this in rotation, trying not to crack up. We almost never had dessert, but when we did, you had to step up your veggie and meat game.

"Formal" diners were Friday-Sunday. You had to change out of your day clothes, wash your hands and face, and change into clean clothes -- nothing formal, just a clean outfit. This became essentially a hippie drag show. I remember hearing the blare of TV news in the background, with the sounds of machine guns, bombs, and helicopters from Viet Nam. Wine flowed. My father was head of a winery. My older siblings were served. My sisters were in their late teens, at the table with their boyfriends. Conversation was all about how to avoid them from getting drafted and getting McGovern elected.

Being excused from the dinner table was more about manners and nutritional accountability than it was about bowing to authority in my family. You were also compelled to engage in conversation about the day's events.

[Quote] I chose bed over canned peas on more than one occasion.

R20 Peas were my nemesis. I had to wipe their slimy stench off and take them one by one with milk. Their taste penetrated once, and I heaved milk all over the table including through my nose. That ended the pea mandate. The iceberg-lettuce detente happened when my mother allowed me to dip it in sugar.

My parents taught all six children table manners, how to use cutlery and pray during holidays. Never interrupt an adult while speaking or say excuse me for interrupting and to know the difference.

Never nor anyone I knew did.

r46, for me it was canned cling peaches.

The meat story sounds very familiar to me. Born in the early 60's as the only child in Germany I was taught a lot of table manners. When all! had finished Lunch or dinner you would ask for permission to leave the table. No TV before 8 p.m, at this time the major news aired. No calls during "Tagesschau", no answering the only landline Phone. No interruption, when my parents talked about their day and other issues.

I was the absolut queen of collecting meat in my cheek pouch and then flushing it down. I hated most of the meat, grilled sausages were the only acceptable way of meat for me.

R49 Was it the texture?

[quote] The iceberg-lettuce detente happened when my mother allowed me to dip it in sugar.

Huh? Sounds worse dipped in sugar. Iceberg lettuce seems unobjectionable.

Yes. I grew up in the Seventies and we had to ask. It's a good thing to teach kids.

No, OP, you may not be excused.

Ah yes the starving children in China / India / Africa. As a very picky eater I also snottily offered to mail my peas / meatloaf / tuna helper directly. Did the hide meat in cheeks or napkin and flush as well.

When I complained about going to Mass on Sunday my my mom replied “Then convert to Judaism and you can go to Temple on Saturday”

Off on a tangent - I see so many younger people with no table etiquette. How to use your utensils, napkins in lap, etc.

Manners are not for the rich - most middle class and lower class had them.

r55, funny -- when I turned 13, my mom told me that I needed to be confirmed in The (Episcopal) Church, which I thought was a bunch of garbage, or do "something else". My flamboyant step-grandmother was Jewish. I ended up having a faux bar mitzvah with lox and bagels for my 13th birthday. Didn't buy that religion, either.

Fast forward to today. My nephew and nieces who have lived with me off and on are vegan. I've had to cook Lima beans and Brussel Sprouts on demand. Disgusting. I do now love spinach and other greens, but those other things are revolting. Strangely, we all change our clothes before dinner, which still baffles my partner. The kids always clear the table and say thank you and good night before leaving. So polite. No need to ask for permission.

[quote]Calling your father sir is not exactly a good manner term of endearment.

That's not the point at all. It's to show respect for the head of the household, not "endearment". It's very old school 1950's, thank god my parent didn't make us go that far. I grew up in the late 60's and 70's so by then things in America were a lot more relaxed.

R58 Your overbearing dad.

Lima beans!! 🤢

I actually forgot those vile things existed R57.

It’s lovely your niece & nephew are so well mannered. In my case, and I’m guessing more often than not “May I be excused,” was for younger children - I don’t remember doing it after 12 or 13. But I’d still receive the occasional “Get your elbows off the table!”

No, we didn't. We rarely even ate together at the table at home, especially after my parents divorced. At my grandparents' house, we had to eat at the table, but never asked to be excused.

You're excused, Lou.

MOTHERFUCKER MAY I?

"I have homework. May I be excused?"

"Yes, dear, but be an angel and get mommy another cocktail first. Just scotch this time, no water. Oh, and bring me my cigarettes and an ashtray."

Yes, I was born in the early 60s and my parents had us ask to be excused from the table if others were still eating. We were also asked to take our plates over to the sink and thank my mother for preparing dinner.

I don't think it's too much to ask. My younger relatives are all barbarians and weird. They can't seem to sit at a table with adults and make conversation without losing their minds.

Oh, absolutely, my father was a stickler for table manners. And that has served me well.

When watching a BBC show about how the BBC dealt with a morals crusader in the 60s, I especially loved one scene. During a family dinner, the head of BBC programming asks his wife to pass the peas. "What's the magic word?" "Pass me the fucking peas."