Understanding graysexuality and the unique spectrum of asexuality

Anyone remember a few years ago the huge push for NO LABELS - now every single possible thing needs a unique label.

r1 I remember when asexuality was underground, we stayed to ourselves minding our business, and didn't care if anyone knew about us because no one is entitled to sex with anyone. Therefore, sharing this information about yourself with people is unnecessary. I miss that.

[quote] Anyone remember a few years ago the huge push for NO LABELS

You mean, in the 1980s?

A.k.a. low testosterone.

Next.

First rule of Asexuality Club is you don’t talk about Asexuality Club

These idiots think "normie controllers" walk around with straining erections all day ready to fuck anything that isn't lined with thorns.

It's an insult to gray. AND grey.

r4 Nah. My hormone levels are fine. If anything is "low" on occasion it's my mood.

Being gay and asexual is an excellent way to feel like an alienated social outcast twice. It's awesome. I've definitely never been super suicidal at multiple points in my life, at all.

Ever thought what you may need to lift your spirits R7 is a good dicking?

r8 I'm a lesbian.

Why in the world would anyone care? It's like make a big to do because sometimes I'm really into salads and I eat them everyday and other times I hardly ever eat the,. Guess what? That is boring shit that no one cares about and I shouldn't even bother telling people. The same with your degrees of sexual attraction. Gross. Just stop thinking that anyone is interested. People are so tacky these days.

Yawn. Do we have to? This is so boring.

[quote] I'm a lesbian.

Never mind then, I was operating under the assumption that you had testicles.

Please tell me about how oppressed they are by a completely indifferent world.

What’s crazy to me is how none of this is based in academia or science or psychology. It’s just shit made up on Reddit and Tumblr by young girls.

Let your frigid flag fly!

"Nonbinary" was contrived by teens on Tumblr in the 2000s, and the label is now used by 68-year-old academic Judith Butler (who apparently "registered as non-binary" in California a few years ago) and 57-year-old author Masha Gessen.

Why do I need this information?

So basically people who have a low sex drive or who have never ventured to explore their sexuality or have had a good sexual experience.

Fine. But you don't get a spot on our flag either.

The burning desire to categorize and pathologize such things is an example of the need to normalize behaviors so people can feel good about themselves. If you give something a pseudo-scientific explanation, you get to abdicate personal responsibility and feel good about yourself.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

Plus bonus oppression status

These people have waaaay too much time in their hands.

The narcissism is off the charts. Everyone needs to feel that they’re special and unique. You’re not.

I mean it’s irrelevant. This stuff is for socially awkward young people who need to be apart of a scene. Being “queer” is like being goth and there’s constant new things being invented to keep the scene going.

There’s even terms that have become outdated at this point. No one is Zi / Ze anymore and that was a really popular thing a few years ago.

It’s just a fad.

R19 for the win.

You can't make yourself a satisfying sex life - fine. But don't think that it's normal - or even a good way to live through life.

[quote]But don't think that it's normal - or even a good way to live through life.

r24 The only time I even think it's a problem is when people like you talk about us as if we're broken freaks. Which is extremely odd when you have individuals in the gay community spouting nonsense like "it's not natural/normal" and "it's wrong." Do you people not hear yourselves? You really wanna go there?

R25: Excuse my forwardness (you need not answer if you don't feel like it), but what was puberty like for you? Did you ever feel any "stirrings"?

Graysexuality should not only be for aliens but for old people like me.

Even Morrissey felt the need to invent his own term a few years ago:

Really? Fuck. Graysexuality, the "spectrum" of asexuality?

R19, what a weird response. Who's "pathologizing" anything? If people want to label themselves straight or gay why can't they label themselves as asexual? What's wrong with "normalizing" asexuality when it doesn't hurt anyone? Conservatives said the same things about gays, that it was wrong to "normalize" homosexuality

R24, we're talking about people who don't even want a sex life, so why are you demonizing them? A lot of people still believe that gays are just failed heterosexuals

[quote]Excuse my forwardness (you need not answer if you don't feel like it), but what was puberty like for you? Did you ever feel any "stirrings"?

r26 Puberty was very socially isolating. I couldn't relate to any of my peers because I never felt "stirrings" toward males or females. I enjoyed my own company, though, and just focused on school and my hobbies.

I don't like people who are attracted to too many people. I don't trust their judgement.

If the worst thing in your life is "asexual erasure" or "acephobia" or whatever, you are probably doing better than 99% of human beings on the planet.

Haven’t read the article yet, but I wonder if people who only get sexually aroused by fetishes falls into this category.

Sometimes I feel horny, sometimes I don’t, other times I can get horny by looking at porn or thinking certain thoughts.

Does this mean I get a shading spectrum of sexuality too?

Graysexuality, allosexuality, Rare attraction, Mild attraction, and Situational attraction.

YAYYYY. New stripes for the flag and new initials for the alphabet soup !!!

And Shuffling Joe can issue a new White House proclamation declaring Mild Attraction Month.

I fund it helpful. But then I'm an elderly celibate lesbian. It just takes someone amazing for me to feel the flutter and those people are few and far between. Still dreaming and hoping that someone who wakes me up crosses my path and actually wants me too. If not in this lifetime then the next. A girl can dream.

Everybody’s climbing on the bandwagon

Can I just get a blowjob?

They change the definition of asexuality every two seconds. The same goes for drag which they now place under the trans umbrella. Asexuality is not a thing. These people are still into sex, masturbate, etc. They’re just too awkward. The people claiming a sexuality even admit to masturbating with others but don’t do penetration. It’s a bunch of bs.

I lost my sex drive after menopause and have no desire to be in a relationship, but I still consider myself every bit as much of a lesbian as I've ever been.

Being gay/lesbian is as much about a way of thinking, a way of relating, and a way of looking at the world as it is about sex.

[QUOTE]Graysexuality, or gray-A, is a middle ground between asexuality (not feeling sexual attraction) and allosexuality (feeling sexual attraction).

Please list all the countries where this is a problem - where such people are legally discriminated against, can lose their jobs, their homes be ostracised from their family etc.

Here's the list; none.

Now fuck off.

R9 Some lesbians have dicks, I'm surprised you didn't know that.

I was hoping Moz would come up. We all know he's just a closet case though. If Johnny Marr were near him, he'd suddenly become non asexual. R43 nails it. Who cares? No one cares about your sex life. For people who don't have or want sex, you talk it about a lot. Like atheists talk about god more than anyone.

Graysexuality = Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

This is why I don’t interact with the community other than on here. I’m gray ace and the more frank I am about it, the more I’m shut down. You’re affirmed only when it’s convenient.

r46 Why does it even have to come up? "Hey, before we go get coffee, can you confirm, with detail, your sexual label(s)?"

Oh, please.

R47 It comes up because the gay community can be highly sexualized, and some people don’t react well to it. When it comes to dating, there aren’t many avenues and online interactions can be highly sexually charged and when presented with this, a gray ace can at times feel confliction or repulsion.

My flag.

You can have this one.

r49 Are you able to talk about movies, music, history, art, nature, animals, exercise, travel, etc.? or it stops at sexuality?

R51 I’d rather you suspend yourself with it.

R42 I wish there was a private chat facility on here so we could compare notes. Same for me that being a lesbian is more about core identity than it is about sexuality.

r54 I will concede that gay male asexuals definitely experience ostracization and ridicule within the community more than lesbians. Probably because men, in general, are expected to be hypersexual; always ready and willing. Society (incorrectly) assumes women aren't very sexual and are frigid. If a man isn't sexual, something is "wrong" with him. So, gay men who are asexual get to be told they're broken by homophobes and their own community members. It's fucked up.

There COULD be something wrong with them, no? Not all of course.

I think that’s the wrong question, r56. We all bear immutable character traits and scars from our past that inhibit our happiness. The question is do we wallow in these limitations or move on. Finding a label that tells us we are not alone can help us move on. If some people find that refusing to understand their differences as limitations helps them be happier, then that’s a good thing.

“We don’t believe in labels.”

Oh, ladies, don't get me wrong -- I was quite the pig when I was young! I was actually accused by a friend of mine who was an MSW of "processing sexually like a man."

I replied, "Is that an insult or a compliment?"

And I was absolutely like that! And I had no shame about it and still don't. It was a good time while it lasted, although I could have done without the ridiculous dyke drama. But I only realized how much my sex drive ran my life until I lost it at 50 y.o. -- my life was instantly soooo much easier.

I'm very grateful that it's gone.

R57 Well said. We need more allies, and not just for Yaasss Queens.

r55 "gay men who are asexual get to be told they're broken by homophobes and their own community members. It's fucked up. "

Who on earth are you hanging around? I'm in a hugely gay-friendly city, with a very big gay (and straight) circle of friends and acquaintances. I've honestly never heard a single person talk like this, seriously. It sounds like you are surrounded by shitty people.

R61 Same, I never have heard anyone say anything like that and I'm guessing that the person brought it up first and often, because who even cares whether someone has a high sex drive and gets laid a lot? Unless you're trying to date them, why would that even come up?

r61 Bruh...

All you have to do is read this thread or any DL thread where asexuality is mentioned. The attitude is very dismissive at best and suggestive of a sexual disorder at worst. And yes, this is from other gay men.

Gray sexuality? That’s DISGUSTING! Leave them alone, PERVERTS!

Case in point, the men in the below video aren't just pulling their experiences out of thin air.

R63 Wait is it DL that you're getting shit from? and not the world outside? Well no shit, DL are ruthless assholes, but it's not real life in here. And the video at R65 is these guys telling people and then getting their reaction, I guess? See this is what I was saying before, you guys talk about not having sex so much that people think it's weird. I guarantee this never comes up organically, it's always brought up my the people themselves. It seems like another way to get attention, like saying you're non binary. So you want a reaction about it, but it's not always a good one. Just go along quietly not having sex, I guarantee people don't care, or go to reddit, I've no doubt there's many subs there about it.

It’s not solely about sex. In everyday life, some people are truly repulsed by normal everyday displays of any kind of sexuality. These same people also have healthy reproductive organs and masturbate. They may have had sex or seek partners in the future, given the circumstances. People automatically just assume your dial is set to on, when in reality it can be having the light switched almost to off but not completely. It is confused for having thin skin or being in denial of yourself when it’s not the case.

Who assumes your dial is set to on? Who thinks about you so much? I don't look at people and assume they have a robust sex life or are ready to bang any minute. It seems like a navel gazing exercise, to be an ace, you think about yourself all the time and assume everyone does. They don't.

R68 It’s not your experience to narrate you piece of shit.

r63 Bruh... you seem to be really, really looking for... drama? justification for low self esteem? a way to blame others for your unhappiness? I won't keep entertaining you, but I hope you have a therapist, and I hope you tell that therapist exactly where/from which source you receive this ongoing and outward disgust. I genuinely hope you will one day be able to move away from this odd circle currently around you.

Peace!

Oh I'm a piece of shit because I tell you that no one cares that you're "ace"? Fuck off, see like I said, you bring it up all the time and no one responds, cause no one cares.

Oh and by the way, you can identify as something and not tell anyone. Some people just want to try to understand themselves better.

[quote][R63] Wait is it DL that you're getting shit from? and not the world outside?

r66 For me it's both. And I never bring it up. People, usually nosy-ass relatives constantly ask if "I'm seeing anyone." And when I ignore the question or kindly tell them to mind their business, I'm labeled as rude. If I say I'm not interested in anyone, the inevitable next question is "why." I usually respond, 'I'm just not.' More prying. I eventually just walk the fuck off. Then we're right back to me being seen as "rude."

No one, save for a few people, knows that I'm asexual. And only my immediate family knows I'm a lesbian. The community (asexuals) was always mostly online and we've always stayed to ourselves. It's only fairly recently that kids, who may or may not be misguided, started popularizing it on social media. New people have now started calling themselves asexual and these same people, I've noticed, are the same types who believe gender is a spectrum and that non-binary is valid.

So, now, the asexual community is no longer full of people I can relate to, either. Nor is the gay community. And of course the straights have never been welcoming. I only discuss it when it's brought up, here. Frankly, I don't even like talking about it and wish it would stop being brought up. But I'm also not going to just sit by while people, who aren't asexual, start making assertions that are false about something that I am.

[quote][R63] Bruh... you seem to be really, really looking for... drama?

r70 No one is looking for drama. You all get irritating as hell about this topic, though. And I guarantee that it's not asexuals starting these discussions on here. It's hellraising DLers (redundant as that is) who know exactly the type of responses this topic will generate on here and are just trying to start shit.

We get it. You don't care. And in traditional vapid, asinine, DL fashion, you will make sure to let anyone who will listen know that you don't care whenever the topic arises. 10 points. Want a cookie?

Make it stop! 🛑

I’ll add one more:

Finasteride!

That’ll really kill your desire for ya. 😜

R74 Right, so you know, or seem to, that DL isn't a safe space where people will hug box you, you should't be surprised that the vapid people here are being dicks about this. And as far as your prying family, fucking tell them you're not interested in anyone right now, that work keeps you busy, that you had a bad break up, etc. Make something up. We all have to lie to our family about shit, it's not hard to do.

R73 is an asexual who is socially awkward, repressed, lives in an online bubble and feels like a constant outsider, even among communities in which she is a member.

Let’s all try to contain our surprise over those revelations.

Not being sarcastic, I have wondered - if you aren't attracted to anyone and never have been how do you know that you're gay or straight?

I wonder the same thing. And why would the guys in the video at R65 even be included in a pride month thing? What does that have to do with pride? This is yet another stripe on the pride flag that has nothing to do with being gay.

[quote]that DL isn't a safe space where people will hug box you,

r77 Oh please. Ain't nobody sitting up here trying to be "hug boxed." If someone is wrong about something, especially if it pertains to me, I am going to correct them. Period. Calm down.

r79 Romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction. The way I explain this to people who experience sexual attraction (i.e. 99% of the human population) is that it's the opposite of people who only want sex but are not interested in romantic, committed, relationships with anyone (aromantic).

Funnily enough, there are a lot of gay men who are aromantic, they just don't bother labeling themselves and anyone who gets involved just thinks they're being non-committal assholes. A lot of people actually lack the ability or desire to want committed romantic relationships but still desire sex. They get labeled as players and hoes. And sometimes, that may be true. Others, not necessarily.

^ And here's a video explaining what that shit (aromantic) is. -_-

Hmm it seems like we're just making up names for whorish people, and of course now you can't be mad at someone fucking around on you because they're not sluts, they're aromantic. Who's making all these videos explaining stuff that no one asked about? And I guess aromantic also goes on the gay flag and under the trans umbrella too.

[quote] Funnily enough, there are a lot of gay men who are aromantic, they just don't bother labeling themselves and anyone who gets involved just thinks they're being non-committal assholes.

My favorite part about Pride month is hearing mentally ill women talk about gay men. They always get it right!

r85 It's no different from mentally ill gay men droning on about shit they know fuck all about regarding basically everyone else. Just keeping that same energy.

I don’t know if I’m asexual or not. I’m just repulsed by 99.99% of the gender that I’m attracted to

[quote]Hmm it seems like we're just making up names for whorish people, and of course now you can't be mad at someone fucking around on you because they're not sluts, they're aromantic.

r84 If they don't tell you ahead of time and pull this, then you have every reason to think they're on some bullshit. But if someone tells you they're aromantic from jump, and you still move forward thinking you'll get anything else out of them other than a sexual relationship, that's on you. They told you who they were.

If anyone told me they were A - anything I would probably avoid them. It just seems like a tumblr thing that narsy people are doing now. DID, non binary, A - whatever, tourette's syndrome, pan sexual, etc. All of these just seem like a way to make themselves seem interesting.

r89 Which is why the vast majority of us don't say shit and just go on about our business. Because people don't take it seriously, and I don't have the energy or patience to explain it. I just do what I've been doing; rejecting sexual advances and leaving people confused and thinking it's them instead of what it actually is (me). Because that's definitely healthy.

You have the right to reject sexual advances with no explanation. I assume this is on a dating site or something, I can't imagine just having people try and bone me all the time in everyday life, but if they did, out of context for sex, I would reject them too. Who fucking cares if they think it's just them? If they're trying to fuck outside of a dating context or without even knowing you, they should be shot down. What shitty luck, the one person who doesn't want to get laid is the recipient of sexual advances pretty often.

I don’t see asexual as an orientation anymore.

I’ve always thought asexual meant you’re attracted to no one.

But being a gay or straight asexual makes as much sense as being a gay heterosexual.

And what’s the opposite of asexual? A dirty slut?

It’s like a few years ago when they invented sapiosexual, which is someone who is attracted to intelligent people. What’s the sexual orientation for people attracted to dumb asses?

R43, well you seem to like ostracizing them!

R37, maybe Shuffling Trump can hold Douchebag Awareness Month while he's in prison

[quote]But being a gay or straight asexual makes as much sense as being a gay heterosexual.

r92 I guess this is a bad time to bring up homoromantic heterosexuals?

^ Or homoromantic bisexuals (people who prefer romantic committed relationships with the same sex but enjoy sex with both sexes). Or heteromantic bisexuals (people who only prefer romantic committed relationships with the opposites, but enjoy sex with both sexes)

Let's really make this thread as irritating as you all clearly want it to be.

It's okay, you don't need to, it's irritating enough and answered my question on how this shit would even come up in real life, because you bring it up. No one needs to be schooled on made up shit. It's incredibly self indulgent and first world to sit and think up names for shit that doesn't need names.

r97 Exactly what part of "I don't bring this shit up in real life" was unclear? You're just saying anything, at this point.

But what about the almost asexuals who, on the rare occasion when they do experience some form of sexual attraction, experience that attraction only on odd numbered calendar days?

Will no one think of them? oh, how they do languish without a proper taxonomy.

A lot of you are starting to sound like this dude

I can see there's a fair amount of confusion and misunderstanding around asexuality. There's a lot of skepticism, and debate as to whether it's purely psychological, or a mix of psychological and physiological factors, can be "cured" with hormone therapy or not, the notion that it's almost always a result of having been sexually abused, etc. I confess to being ignorant myself. It's too bad the people on this board attempting to explain what it's like receive such rude responses.

Funny how it’s Pride and people are being discounted for sharing their experiences. It speaks volumes about how you’re only welcomed by some if you act a certain way or pay lip service to the right topics.

R101

The vast majority of people just don't give a fuck.

You don't have sexual feelings? Ok, how does this affect me in any way whatsoever?

R103 Agreed. It has no bearing on my life whether other people want to get laid, why would it? What else is there to say about it? I understand, some people have no sexual feelings, I'm sorry, I guess. And I'll move on with my day.

In other words, it's a flag for a bunch of losers.

I don't think they're losers, but I don't understand what this has to do with Pride or the gay flag. Outside of the clearly gay Morrissey, why would anyone assume asexual = gay? I guess the gay flag is just a catch all for everything now, and that's ridiculous.

Asexuals who consider themselves gay are already included in the gay flag, as are gays who only have sex with people they love and gays who only have sex with people they have no feelings for and gays who are involuntarily celibate and on and on and on. You're all just flavors of gay. Deal with it.

R105 Gatekeeper

What exactly are the problems that asexuals or graysexuals face in society? Are they denied equal rights? Keep out of military service? Discriminated against in housing and employment? Beaten on the streets?

If these labels help you understand yourselves and your interpersonal relationships better, that’s great. But don’t confuse these labels with being in a class of people that face legal and social discrimination and need to organize to fight back.

R109, how dare you forget! They have to answer questions about their dating life over Thanksgiving dinner.

Centuries worth of religious and legal persecution might be bad, but asexuals have to face down nosy Aunt Sally, who is truly one of history's greatest monsters.

[quote]how dare you forget! They have to answer questions about their dating life over Thanksgiving dinner.

Something no sexually active gay man has ever had to deal with.

r109 Not all of us want to "organize" and fight back. Frankly, I don't recall being invited to the meeting where it was decided that we be added to the acronym, nor do I agree with its inclusion. However, I think having these discussions and being open about human sexuality in general does help people to figure themselves out more and feel less disconnected in society. If you have a problem with that, then I don't know what to tell you.

I don’t have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with LGB organizations having to expand to include any possible description of sexuality and gender identity and to alter one of the greatest flags in the history of flags so that they feel recognized.

If you don’t believe our movement and our flag represents you, get your own.

r113 I agree. The people in this thread getting triggered about the inclusion of asexuality in the acronym and flag are projecting that mess onto all of us. 100% there is a loud minority of the community that "does the most" and I'm not behind that. As I stated at r2, I miss when we were underground and no one really knew about us. Now that it's more mainstream, we're subject to being lumped into the "mentally ill and seeking attention" box, when that's not the case at all.

R112 Okay, but it's a pretty finite discussion, no? "I don't like sex" Okay, thanks. I mean yeah you guys should discuss it amongst yourselves but I don't think it's something we all need to be included in. The other things, "oh I like banging people but not getting to know them" or "I like banging chicks but am emotionally attracted to dudes", etc, all seem like shit you can discuss with your partner. I have a friend who likes cross eyed, dwarves, and big boobs. I don't think he needs a stripe on a flag. All that other shit can go in your dating profile, it's not something the world needs to discuss. It's a new thing that people make these fucking long, carefully curated manuals about themselves, and expect you to read them before you interact with them.

[quote] but I don't think it's something we all need to be included in.

r115 I mean...it's not. These discussions are usually intended to be had amongst those of us who either are asexual, people who may be questioning if they are or not, and anyone who just finds the topic fascinating. You know? Kind of like every online discussion ever?

The detractors in here giving their "no one cares" two cents are just noise. I don't care about the BRF. Oddly enough, I almost never participate in those threads. I also don't like tennis. It may shock you to know that I've never participated in the "Gays and Tennis" threads. It would be quite silly to pop in there to complain about how boring tennis is and how people who like it are also boring, wouldn't it?

R112 I agree 100%

R96 But how is the “romantic” a sexual orientation?

Like what’s the sexual orientation for someone who has sex with the opposite race but only marries and dates someone of the same race?

Either straight or gay R118. Because these are all subsets of the two, they don't all need a special descriptor, despite what tumblr may tell you.

[quote][R96] But how is the “romantic” a sexual orientation?

Okay. Here we go...

r118 Romantic "attraction" is just one of the components that makes up sexual orientation overall. The 'sexual' portion of the term 'sexual orientation' refers to which of the two sexes a person is attracted and in what way they are attracted (romantically and/or sexually).

The excesses of an overprivileged society.

The rise in asexuality is sometimes linked to increased use of antidepressants:

r122 Or an alternative, and more likely, theory is that it's becoming more known due to social media and people who have felt a certain way most of their lives finally have a name for it and realize there's nothing wrong with them.

I wasn't on anything when I first learned about asexuality and realized it described me to a t. I was 15. Over 20 years ago.

I agree with r116. I don't particularly care about the Question of Asexuality, and I suspect most asexuals don't care if I care. I don't feel any hostility toward asexuals, and I don't believe they feel any hostility towards me and other gay people.

What I suspect is going on is marketing. The alphabet soup "helpers" and "coalitions" and activists are reaching out to expand their base. We are a money grubbing whore of a society, not just gays of course the whole fucked up society, and constant expansion and constant marketing are always the goal. If asexuals just want to reach out to each other, that is great. Not feeling isolated and hopelessly weird is a nice goal. But I suspect that is not the goal of the relentless marketers.

Take back the night!

So, the a-sex is where the man...? Oh, wait...

I thought these were called "demisexual"