Unfortunate first names

Never forget the night my younger sister came home from her summer job at the Dairy Queen and told my mother and father she wanted to go to the downtown carnival that weekend with her new friend and co-worker, Tequila. I am serious.

I work with a Tranisha. Not sure if she has a nickname.

When I was in elementary school I knew a girl named Malibu. Seriously.

Why did Gwyneth Paltrow think it was OK to name her daughter Apple? That is just ridiculous.

Benoit; Saoirse; Sigourney; Ewan; Orpa

[quote]When I was in elementary school I knew a girl named Malibu. Seriously.

Malibu Stacey?

Cherished Paradise.

I have a customer with an email that is bottomboi____@_____.com. He's a big strapping Black man. We giggle every time his file is pulled up.

Nevaeh.

You know, "heaven" spelled backwards.

I used to work with a woman whose nickname was "Poopie." And she was the person who did all of the word processing on our machine ... which was a Wang. So of course, when someone asked where she was, the response was usually "Poopie's on the Wang!"

Sad. This fondness for creative naming is usually found among working and lower class parents, unaware of the limitations they place upon the child's potential for academic and professional success.

Why do these people not change their names once they reach maturity?

I don’t know about names but in high school there was this kid who had his initials STD on his backpack.

They had to change the cheerleaders jackets in Palmer, AK as the back of them had PMS.

I was in a TJMaxx once when they paged the manager...Risotto

There was an old whore in my city named Lucretia Sheets.

I worked with 2 women named Delight and Miracle.

I worked in a state health records office and followed up on birth certificates that came through with the names

Fuc (Vietnamese)

Zhan-Luke (as in Star Trek, I learned)

Tukeela

my favorite, "Female," which turned out to be the result of the parents thinking that the hospital had named the baby for them. They kept the name. They pronounced it to rhyme with "tamale."

This is a bad combination of first and last names - "rainwear" - and it makes me sad that the only reason I've heard of this poor kid is because she's dead:

Zitlaly

If you’re lucky, it’ll be shortened to Lolly. If you’re not, Zitty.

I’d ask to be called Zee, I think.

When I was a kid my mother used to love to watch any and all cooking shows and one of her favorites was the Cajun Justin Wilson--as much for the stories as the cooking.

Thirty something years later I still remember her howling at this episode. So glad I could find it on YouTube. (The joke starts at 1:03)

Anything Elon Musk named his kids

Thanks, R20, for this reminder of gentler times; like your mother and you, I was a fan

Justin Wilson is missed - "I guarantee!"

I’ve worked with more than one “Precious.” The “heaven”backwards thing is more common than ever. I have met only one “ Acquanisha” though. I’ve met a few “Placentias,” I’ve encountered many variations of “Martavious” as well. I do get more irritated by the overtly Caucasian and ubiquitous “Taylor or Bailey” for females, and “Connor, Yael, or Callum” for males. Don’t even get me started on the Jayden/Cayden/Braden ugliness. 🤮

When I was growing up, there were 3 kids in school who were siblings and they were named - Lake, Brook and Stream - no shit. Lake was a total stud and the quarterback on the football team. He also had a fantastic package. Everybody, and I mean everybody, wanted a piece of his package.

Fern

Loquashia

Dorcas

Cherylyn

Was she a chav?

R16

Awww, I think those are kind of sweet.

River, Rain, Summer, Liberty

I already made a post here but it came to me today and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it.

Years ago I knew a guy named Four NoMore.

I always wanted to meet his parents to see what they were like to name a child such a horrible name.

But he was actually really handsome, reminded me of Josh Lucas.

I had a classmate named Gaylord.

I don't know what his parents were thinking.

I'm in my forties and that first name was already passé by the late 20th century.

"Gay" did not mean "lighthearted and carefree" anymore.

Obviously, he went by a different name -- his middle name Francis, or rather, Frank, as he was called.

Placenta.

Also, a very nice, brilliant Black girl who was in my HS advanced math class: Doolin McFarland

Glenn. For a “girl”.

As in Glenn Close?

Abcde pronounced Abcity.

His birth certificate read: Typo

Rotunda. Yes, a woman.

I hope she wasn't rotund R36.

The children in this thread all have very unfortunate names.

Octavian, Torsten, Titan and Industry.

Those poor children.

I once worked with a Candida.

[quote] Why did Gwyneth Paltrow think it was OK to name her daughter Apple?

Yeah, it’s kind of a cat name, but I don’t totally mind it. You can spell Apple, and it has a sweet connotation.

Also, Fiona Apple.

My old neighbor in back named her daughters Ginger and Pepper.

R23 You ain’t never met no placentias you lying ass bitch. Yep I said it.

Chris Martin was the one who thought of the name Apple.

Fuck Becky with the good hair. Yep I said it.

Look fake negro @ R42, you have demonstrated on multiple threads what an ignorant ass racist you are. This in addition to hating your real ethnicity. I don’t give two fucks in a dead cat’s what you think about ANYTHING. You’re practically illiterate and have multiple accounts here (socks). For the life of me , I cannot imagine why Muriel allows you to exist here. There is an entire city in Orange County CA. (where you’ve never been) named Placentia. I’ve met more Placentias than I can count, and it is a relatively common name in Mexican culture (which you know nothing about). So, fat ass fuckface, shove your faux outrage right up your diseased white asshole, jump into a grease fire, or die. I really don’t care which…and stay the FUCK away from me!

Football player:Jihad Warner. Quintavious. Quavion. Qua'Von. D’Shawn. Roshawn. Keyshawn. Knowshon. LaShawn. Marshawn. Rayshawn. Dayshawn. Jayshawn. Tayshawn. Baylee. Kaylee. Emaleigh. M’Kayla. Ayden. Braedyn, Brandin. Kristoffer. Mykel. Emersyn. Paisleigh.

I have too much time on my hands.

Madysyn

Danyell

Velveeta.

I feel so sorry for all the little Jaxon, Jaxxon, and Jaxsons that exist.

I have a grand-niece named Madissenia. She insists we call her Maddy and curses her mother's (my niece) name choice any chance she gets.

I'm okay with Fern, used to it, one of my oldest friends. But she starts counting to ten and well beyond when people call her Fernie. I used to call her "Plant" or "Planty / Planties" as good natured ribbing. She can be rather intense at times but she's a living Wikipedia on all types of ferns.

I once worked with a Gazelle we all called Gazzi. She hated the name and was anything but a Gazelle in physical appearance, more like water buffalo, as she put it. very good natured.

Lilibet. Awful as a given name. Fine as a nickname used privately and sparingly.

Lilibet is one of those names I've seen in Filipina women, along with Ruby, Marjorie, Mabel, Bernice, Nellie, Martha, Sally,

My neighbor's name is Fanny - she's about 25 and a lovely person - but Fanny. Ugh.

[quote] As in Glenn Close?

No Rose, as in Glenn MacIntyre!

A girl at my high school in the late 80’s was named Starr. Not terrible until you saw her last name was “Warr”.

I always wondered if she managed to kill her parents while they slept. Maybe used her lightsaber…

A friend used to work with a woman named Salamisha.

Ambidextria

A combination of Ambidextrous and Alexandria.

I’ve met a few people named Jihad. Why the fuck would you do that to a kid?

[quote]I once worked with a Candida.

We once had a hit record about her.

R54 Really? I actually think Fanny is a super cute name!

Twins: Lucious and Precious

I once worked with a Filipina named Cherry Runtolub. I used to enjoy just repeating her (with her accent) name to myself. Lol…

When i worked in Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills a million years ago, I had a customer who was a Mary Christmas. She liked her name.

In high school in Chicago, there was a Tripp Baby.

The football name poster upthread reminds me of this skit:

Bathsheba in high school. She was notorious for blowing boys for money. She was very successful.

I love the name Bathsheba for a pet or drag queen. In the late 70s to early 80s it had a brief heyday as a descriptive term for ostentatious middle eastern / interior decor.

I have fond memories of two old parrots who lived in a local pet store, Julius and Bathsheba. Julius would say, "Bath-SHEEEEE-ba!" and she would answer, "Julius, say FUCK!"

next to their perches was a large sign asking customers to refrain from swearing near the birds.

[quote] Kristoffer

That’s the Central and Eastern European spelling.

R59 This might help:

[quote] Jihad” literally means striving, or doing one's utmost. Within Islam, there are two basic theological understandings of the word: The “Greater Jihad” is the struggle against the lower self – the struggle to purify one's heart, do good, avoid evil and make oneself a better person.

However, religious fanaticism has taken such a hold, it’s hard to determine the actual intent behind naming a person.

Isn’t Abcde/Abcity just an urban legend name that white people tell to make themselves fell superior?

Same as “Female” (Famolly) which a supposed Latina woman named her baby as it was already on the birth certificate. My mother told me that one, said she knew of students named that, and when I questioned her further she said she’d “heard” it from some other teachers. But there was no real proof.

The thing about “Sigourney” is that she named herself that. Her name is actually Susan.

I’ve only ever seen that name on an exit for a street in Hartford, Connecticut.

R10 l also knew a girl named Miracle. Her mother drove a car covered in green velvet

R61, Fanny in the UK is slang for the vagina.

I knew a similar family… the father was a wealthy hunter an fisherman —

The girl was Brook(e), and the boys were Drake and Wolf(e).

Kristjan, R67.

That’s the UK pornstar spelling.

R69, that's what I understand. I've heard both of those--it's always a friend of a friend had these kids in her class. No one has ever met someone with those names.

A couple of years ago, I met a girl named "Jenoside".

All the Hunters (3) that I've met have been gay gay gay, which I'm sure their fathers didn't intend.

I know an actor who named his son Talon. His father complained, and he said something like, "Would you prefer, "shithead" instead?

[quote] [R54] Really? I actually think Fanny is a super cute name!

You must be a true cunt.

“Dorcas” is an old name. Roman, I believe.

I went to school with a girl named Dorcas. She was a lesbian.

I like Talon but when I read it I mentally pronounce it in French. I have a neighbor named Akida, in her late 30s. Lovely nice woman with 2 beautiful daughters who have more conventional names. One day I will work up the courage to ask sbout hers.

There's the old chestnut, Nancy Ann Cianci.

Out of all of this, Dick is the worst- well, as a name at least.

I hope all these kids will be able to attend Camp Ujaama

R45 Don’t ever disrespect me bitch. You are completely out of order. I stopped reading after Negro. Yo stankin ass needs to be redlined and deported back to the 60s.

Just die, “ a.” Your fake Blackness is legendary. Stay the fuck away from me, asshole.

R84 Bitch I don’t want to come near you. I fuck hot guys. Not grim reapers.

Myopia

Shithead

Pronounced "Shi-tay"

Aquanetta.

Any one named Aquanetta takes no shit and has zero fucks to give.

Dad wanted to name my little brother Harold Richard. Mom didn't think it was very funny.

UM, HELLO -

Paging "BERTHA!"

COME ON! Nobody??

Methanny. Cuz meth makes ya horny.

A lot of crazy names are merely urban legends (and usually racist ones). I'm surprised no one yet has mentioned the legendary La-a (pronounced Ladasha).

As a retired elementary and middle school teacher I can attest to three that I actually had: Urina (pronounced You-reena), Parentheses (pronounced as expected), and Cocaine (who went by Cookie, and who when I met her in seventh grade had already saved up the money for a name change as soon as she was legally able). Cookie was a smart and popular girl -class president. She just had druggie parents...

[quote]R51 I'm okay with Fern

Fern is the name of the little girl in CHARLOTTE’S WEB!

[quote]R70 The thing about “Sigourney” is that she named herself that. Her name is actually Susan.

What an attention whore.

I work with a guy whose name is Famous

I have never met anyone with a truly bizarre name.

I did work an event with a girl named Sparkle, once. I kept calling her Twinkle by mistake, which made her narrow her eyes.

I think Messiah is one of the dumbest names. I’ve worked with two guys with that name and they were both scumbags that thought they were hot shit (wonder why). They were late teens/early 20’s, though, so maybe they’ve matured by now.

I’ve worked with a Princess, Essence, Charisma, Destinee, Precious, and Justyce and I’d be pissed if my parents named me any of those. (Justyce is the best of the lot, I guess)

Lately Brantley and Braxton are names I hear often for young boys. Dumb.

The amount of "royalty" on LAUSD campuses never ceases to amuse me. I've known numerous students named Princess and King. They sound like dog names to me, honestly.

There was a lady on Project Runway named Charkeisha or Charkeita. I can't remember which.

Now she just goes by Char (Glover).

Also, in person I knew a lady who said her sister's name was VirginMary, but she calls her "Virgie" for short.

What a horrible thing to do to a child.

She chose to use her middle name and not her first name, DeShawna.

R4 Were she and Steve Jobs friends?

Karmetria.

Jermajesty

I knew someone named Jahil, which isn't so bad until you find out that Jahil means ignorant in Arabic. I worked with someone named Precious, which is made worse because it was a guy.

Faith, Hope & Charity.

[quote] I once worked with a Candida.

Candida is a pretty common name in Spanish.

I used to work for the Social Security Administration and this one woman named her little boy Demon. Wtf?

Lucifer.

But we called her Lucy.

She was in the process of getting her name changed.

r108. I imagine that they pronounce it D'mon.

Years ago, I met a musician in passing, and he mentioned that he named his kid Damien- he loved all the satanic connotations with it.

I absolutely hate the names Sierra and Savannah. Pretentious as fuck.

[quote]r108 I used to work for the Social Security Administration and this one woman named her little boy Demon. Wtf?

I considered that name.

Many years ago, took care of twins Nova and Solar. Yep, you can guess family name!

Adolf

[quote] Candida is a pretty common name in Spanish.

R107 It's also a yeast infection.

What's next? Chlamydia?

Gwendolyn

"Lilibet" has gotten me the first royal execution the moment my brother-in-law becomes king!

My sister had a female friend named Lemetric (African-American). Always reminded me of the metric system. She also had a female friend named Snow (Caucasian).

Unique, Unique, and Omunique (African-American girls)—all in my son’s kindergarten class.

Zakaarii (Caucasian boy), pronounced “Zachary."

Gay

^^^^ What's it to ya'?

- Mr. Talese

As a college teacher I've come across:

Chalcedony (went by "Chalcy")

Yours Truly (goes by the full phrase--they're an enbie and this is their chosen name)

Moss (no last name, like Cher or Madonna--a guy who also goes by "they")

Thaïs (like the opera)

Zeus

Yours Truly is a fabulous name, IMO.

Dorcas. It's like Biggus Dickus. Dorkass.

Yours Truly is an excellent drag queen name.

Didn’t Yours Truly have a sister act with Truly Scrumptious?

I went to college with woman named Hagar. She was from Palestine. She wasn’t horrible, she was just sort of moody.

[quote]R123 Dorcas. It's like Biggus Dickus. Dorkass.

Dorcas is a horrible name. But it’s in the Bible. She was some merciful do-gooder who sewed for the poor.

Felony

I always thought Gretchen was an awful sounding name. And Marcus.

Gretch the Wretch

I had a really bad reaction to the name Polly when young. There was one in my first grade class and I just thought, “Is that name for REAL??”

It seemed like the stupidest name ever, for some reason.

Met a guy named “Smile”. I think there’s a weird tradition in Nigeria or some other African country where people names their kids things like Princess and Happiness and Smile and Joyful.

It’s weird.

Scotland here.

Probably an urban myth, but I’ve heard several times that there are twin girls at school in Lanarkshire named Dolce and Gabbana.

People who name their kids after designer labels are ghetto as fuck. Diddy named his son Justin Dior Combs. I'm sure there is more than one LV out there too.

There is a CEO in Western Australia called Warren Peace. He was on the news recently.

Those excited by this thread need to watch the episode of Kath and Kim (the original, of course) in which the two of them are trying to think of what to call Kim's baby. She ends up called Epponee-Rae, but it could have been much worse.

When I was working as a co-op a million years ago, there was a guy named Baxter Baker who worked on the shop floor.

Every time you had to page him to come to the lab, the shitty PA system made it sound like you were saying “masturbater”

Chrysanthemum

Unique and Euphonius

I think if you name one child "Hunter," the next one should be named "Gatherer."

R129 Stretchin' wretchin' Gretchen bitchin crotchin yes I see it too.

Maybe it sounds better in its natural language German or something like Helga.

I called my lawn fertilizer company and the guy that answered that phone was named Blade. That has to be BS, right?

Ursula

R141 I met twins once who were named Brock and Blade. They worked as knights at Medieval Times in Orlando. They were hot, so I guess the name Blade could he acceptable for one of them.

*be.

I went to grad school with a guy named Heath. His twin sister was named Heather.

Salivah

Healthcare veteran here - best names I saw on the Labor and Delivery unit: Anthronethia, and Ozmondus.

Also, this guy worked with us for a brief stint

Moriah. It’s ugly.

Loki sucks, but Skylizard is a fucking kickass last name.

Minge

Sparkle Titsworth is a real name.

Diana Ross meant to name her daughter Chutney but thought it was pronounced Chudney and that’s what she ended up with.

r145 They were actually triplets, the other sister was named Erica. 🌾

😉

I just watched a "House Hunters" where the child's name was "Italy."

[quote] I always thought Gretchen was an awful sounding name.

R129 I had a female friend in high school who had a friend named Gretchen. My friend used to call her “Gretch.” Yes, there can be something worse than “Gretchen.”

Off topic but this reminded me of the time the three of us were in a restaurant, and a baby near us started crying and wouldn’t stop. Suddenly, Gretchen blurted out angrily, “Lock it up!” Gee, maybe that sort of thing was why my friend called her “Gretch!”

I also had a female friend who went by the name “Suki.” She wasn’t Asian, but her actual name was Lilli-Ann so I understood why she went by “Suki” instead.

Just read upthread about the name "Nevaeh" being "Heaven" spelled backwards.

I worked pretty closely with a Nevaeh and never....not once...put this together.

I almost feel like calling her all these years later and telling her I figured it out!

R9 Serutan

r154 Stop trying to make "Gretch" happen!

r154 It varies depending on how she might've spelled it: Suki means "beloved" in Hebrew. If it was Sookie/Sooky/Sookey it'd be a common variant for Susan, predominantly used in the American South.

I used to be in a community garden with a Sookie, who out-Southerned Sally Cato , the character from "Mame," by a country mile.

r147 apparently his parents allowed him to choose his own name when he was eight, and he kept it.

R158 She spelled it “Suki.” I don’t think she was Jewish. We were both in the junior high and high school orchestras, so I think we were mostly called “dweebs” irrespective of our actual names (it was during the late 1960s and early 1970s).

“suki” is Japanese.

I don’t know what jinmeiyou kanji there could be with that sound.

I wish people had more unique names.

Fergus. Malcolm. Calum. Morag. Caitlin. Emma. Emma-Ceit. Cara-Marie. Fiona. Eilidh. (Yes I live in Scotland. The land of twee.)

r149, that's DOCTOR Skylizard to you!

Kuntz

I knew and old drunk woman - horrible bitch of a lunatic - who legally changed her name to the single and no-surname "Gudrun."

r167 Obviously, she was a Glenda Jackson fan. 🤔

Well, R168, she did hang around closeted gay wrestlers.

Sosumi

r167 There was a Gudrun in my high school in the '60s. (She did have a last name, though.)

I’m making real progress

When I was in high school I knew a girl named Lucy Smith. She was dating a guy whose last name was Goosey. It didn’t last.

Melania. I’m sorry other Melanias!

Worked with a Carlotta Cabbagestalk.

Trix

Remember Sookie Stackhouse of "True Blood?"

And "ahhh! sookie sookie, now!"

Veterdata (????)

Orenthal (rest in piss)

Thread closed

My grandmother was an OB-GYN nurse and she told me that one of the patients named her daughter "Gonnorhea (sic)" (pronounced guh-NOR-ree-ah). She suspects the woman probably saw it somewhere in the office and didn't know what it was. The clinic was in a low-income neighborhood and most of the patients were young and uneducated with only middle-school educations.

Delone Ranger

A really good friend is Kathryn Laycock. That's right, Laycock is her surname.

Vermin, Methany, Clitocybe Lee,

Is Utereen her sister?

MADUX.

Pussyface

There’s always the legendary Oranjelo and Lemonjelo.