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Let's Be an Oscar Acceptance Speech

I'm holding the Oscar above my head, with one hand, and walking off the stage.

by Anonymousreply 107June 14, 2024 4:38 PM

I'm the phoney humble shock on display after winning, despite campaigning all year.

by Anonymousreply 1May 24, 2024 5:18 PM

I regret to tell you that Marlon Brando cannot accept this award.

by Anonymousreply 2May 24, 2024 5:20 PM

I’m sticking my tongue down this colored woman’s throat.

by Anonymousreply 3May 24, 2024 5:24 PM

I'm the other four gifted and fierce nominees who share this award with me

by Anonymousreply 4May 24, 2024 5:44 PM

I’m the misandrist radfem dog whistle speech that gets M fired up!

by Anonymousreply 5May 24, 2024 5:53 PM

I'm the political message

by Anonymousreply 6May 24, 2024 5:58 PM

I'm only a dream.

by Anonymousreply 7May 24, 2024 6:04 PM

Fuck you, bitches. I won.

by Anonymousreply 8May 24, 2024 7:22 PM

You like me you really really like me

by Anonymousreply 9May 24, 2024 7:25 PM

I love it up here

by Anonymousreply 10May 24, 2024 7:25 PM

I'm the breathless orgasim

by Anonymousreply 11May 24, 2024 7:27 PM

OP, what does your post have to do with an acceptance SPEECH?

by Anonymousreply 12May 24, 2024 7:30 PM

I'm the desperate search to find someone new to thank so my speech stands out: catering, grips... anyone to improve my popularity and "regular person" persona.

by Anonymousreply 13May 24, 2024 7:33 PM

I'm the woman who thinks that because she won an Oscar people like her... They really like her 🙄

by Anonymousreply 14May 24, 2024 7:38 PM

I'm the cute, but fake, Native American that accepted an Oscar for an aging matinee idol and then gave a rambling speech that no one remembers, but pissed everyone off 😠

by Anonymousreply 15May 24, 2024 7:42 PM

I'm a credit to my race

by Anonymousreply 16May 24, 2024 7:43 PM

I was the only black girl in that class.

by Anonymousreply 17May 24, 2024 7:44 PM

I’m our lord, Jesus Christ.

by Anonymousreply 18May 24, 2024 7:47 PM

I’m G’s acceptance speech, I’ll never happen except in her bathroom mirror.

by Anonymousreply 19May 24, 2024 7:49 PM

I’m the awkward expression caught by the camera as the spouse realises they’ve been left out of the long list of thank-yous. If I’m smart, I will retain a divorce lawyer at the ad break.

by Anonymousreply 20May 24, 2024 7:59 PM

I'm the faded movie queen who accepted the award for Anne Bancroft just to stick it to my arch nemesis and then took a full year to actually give the award to the winner

by Anonymousreply 21May 24, 2024 8:03 PM

♪ I'm the music cutting off all you long-winded bitches ♫

by Anonymousreply 22May 24, 2024 8:09 PM

I'm the obnoxious bit of virtue signaling that now seems required!

by Anonymousreply 23May 24, 2024 8:12 PM

I'm the slap heard around the world... POW!

by Anonymousreply 24May 24, 2024 8:12 PM

I'm the completely ignoring the now-triggered person of color non-winner.

by Anonymousreply 25May 24, 2024 8:13 PM

I´m the surprise expressed that it IS heavy!

by Anonymousreply 26May 24, 2024 8:18 PM

I'm that moment of pure joy upon receiving the Oscar, to be quickly followed by the dreaded realisation I'm gonna have to chew on Harvey's stump for the rest of the night.

by Anonymousreply 27May 24, 2024 8:19 PM

I didn't realize my pants were transparent under the lights! The entire world saw my ass when I tripped going up the stairs!

by Anonymousreply 28May 24, 2024 8:20 PM

I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I'm thanked only by black winners.

by Anonymousreply 29May 24, 2024 8:33 PM

I´m Matthew McConaughey proofing at 2:05 that R29 is not quiet right.

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by Anonymousreply 30May 24, 2024 8:46 PM

R29 is the second coming of r18.

by Anonymousreply 31May 24, 2024 9:20 PM

I beat Meryl!

by Anonymousreply 32May 24, 2024 11:00 PM

I'm the dead mommy referenced in a speech.

by Anonymousreply 33May 24, 2024 11:04 PM

@r32, I was getting Oscars when you were in diapers 🤨

by Anonymousreply 34May 24, 2024 11:05 PM

I'm the endless list of thank yous to people who the tv audience doesn't know and doesn't care.

by Anonymousreply 35May 24, 2024 11:09 PM

I'm multi-time loser Glenn Close applauding the winner while thinking, "Next year I'll get it for 'Norma Desmond'..."

by Anonymousreply 36May 24, 2024 11:09 PM

I’m Glenn getting a Jessica Tandy win in her 90s, leading Jada to start a campaign to cancel her.

by Anonymousreply 37May 24, 2024 11:12 PM

I'm Greer Garson. Look me up.

by Anonymousreply 38May 24, 2024 11:13 PM

I'm an audience member at the 2022 Oscars wishing Will Smith had been removed from the premises before having to hear his bullshit speech.

by Anonymousreply 39May 24, 2024 11:15 PM

^ Be glad you'll NEVER hear another Oscar speech from him EVER

by Anonymousreply 40May 24, 2024 11:18 PM

I’m Buck. My mother was robbed.

by Anonymousreply 41May 24, 2024 11:23 PM

I’m the mediocre white man who would like to thank his family and wife even though I already know my movie lost to Moonlight.

by Anonymousreply 42May 24, 2024 11:25 PM

I'm Melissa Leo, up here shouting about God knows what.

by Anonymousreply 43May 24, 2024 11:43 PM

R38 We´re Alfred Hitchcock ,Patty Duke and many more

see: restrain


1. a measure or condition that keeps someone or something under control.

2. unemotional, dispassionate, or moderate behaviour; self-control.

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by Anonymousreply 44May 25, 2024 12:09 AM

I’m the words “courage”, “journey” and “artistry”. You’ll hear me a lot tonight.

by Anonymousreply 45May 25, 2024 12:22 AM

We are Katharine Hepburn’s four Leading Actress acceptance speeches that were never heard. Psychotherapy has been our friend.

by Anonymousreply 46May 25, 2024 12:27 AM

I’m the playoff music that only makes whoever’s onstage talk louder and faster.

by Anonymousreply 47May 25, 2024 12:31 AM

R45 We´re "iconic", "inspirational " and "honored".

Your younger silbings so to speak.

by Anonymousreply 48May 25, 2024 12:39 AM

Just keep me and my son out of it. We're worn out from all those other awards shows.

by Anonymousreply 49May 25, 2024 12:46 AM

I’m the amazing journey this has been.

by Anonymousreply 50May 25, 2024 12:59 AM

I’m Monique, trying to peel back the gold foil to get to the chocolate inside

by Anonymousreply 51May 25, 2024 2:15 AM

I'm the beautiful speeches of those winning "the boring Oscars". We're being fast-forwarded on most people's screens and we're hurt!

by Anonymousreply 52May 25, 2024 9:49 AM

R51 you aren't really a speech, are you honey?

by Anonymousreply 53May 25, 2024 9:49 AM

We're the calculated swear words designed to get attention and make my speaker look cool. We don't work.

by Anonymousreply 54May 25, 2024 9:52 AM

I’m the profuse worshipping of a director I screamed at and wanted to murder during production.

by Anonymousreply 55May 25, 2024 9:53 AM

I'm the lack of preparedness and word-stumbling despite my speaker campaigning for months and almost guaranteed victory..

by Anonymousreply 56May 25, 2024 9:56 AM

I'm the cool, witty, self-possessed speech, usually by a writer.

My apotheosis was Philip Barry who, on an Oscar night of particularly cloying sentimental tributes, said, "I just want to say I am entirely responsible for the success of The Philadelphia Story. Nobody lifted a finger to help me." Exit. Job done, mic dropped.

by Anonymousreply 57May 25, 2024 1:17 PM

I´m Shirley Mac Laines passiv-agressiv shout out to Debra Winger.

by Anonymousreply 58May 25, 2024 3:03 PM

I'm sorry. I have nothing prepared. I really didn't expect to win.

by Anonymousreply 59May 25, 2024 3:19 PM

I'm Chrissy Metz wondering if there's chocolate under the statue's gold leaf.

by Anonymousreply 60May 25, 2024 3:43 PM

I’m all the cocks that were sucked and gallons of cum swallowed to get to this moment.

by Anonymousreply 61May 25, 2024 3:48 PM

I'm all British recipients' speeches, all goggle eyed, goofy humility, gosh, can't believe it! Little old me.

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by Anonymousreply 62May 25, 2024 6:31 PM

I'm the lifelong anti-monarchist doing a volte-face as public opinion turns in favour of Her Maj.

"What vain weather-cocks we are".

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by Anonymousreply 63May 25, 2024 6:37 PM

R63 what a phony big-titted cunt and I like her

by Anonymousreply 64May 25, 2024 7:01 PM

🤞'👆 👍👌🙌🤞🖖🤙 ✋👍🤙👋🤘🖐🤙☝️'🖖 🤚☝️🤙✌️👆 🤘👌👆🤞👇🤛 👋☝️🙌🤙

by Anonymousreply 65May 25, 2024 7:10 PM

I'm an OG Nepo, born into privilege. As part of the chattering class, it's my duty to use Oscar night and similar gilded events to shake up the chattering class!

Brown people are my raison d'etre.

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by Anonymousreply 66May 25, 2024 7:24 PM

I'm surprised no old troublemaker has pretended to faint to draw attention away from a rival's speech. I can see someone like Miriam Margolyes doing it to cause trouble

by Anonymousreply 67May 25, 2024 7:48 PM

R67 A faint followed by a huge fart.

by Anonymousreply 68May 26, 2024 2:20 AM

I’m Jack Nicholson and I can’t begin to describe how much more I want to sit courtside at the worst game the Lakers ever played than I want to sit through one more of these interminable ego-ramas in which nothing happens but speeches made by insipid drips who lavish praise on themselves until the music is turned up so loud they’re forced to surrender fhe microphone and leave.

by Anonymousreply 69May 26, 2024 2:42 AM

If the winner is white, the smug pride comes through.

If the winner is African American, the smug pride comes through and there's an inevitable declaration that God supports them and hates all the other nominees.

by Anonymousreply 70May 26, 2024 3:02 AM

I'm that ridiculous vulgar gown that my stylist insisted would get me raves even if I didn't win but will now be judged for generations to come with a big WTF?

by Anonymousreply 71May 26, 2024 3:07 AM

I'm the whispered acknowledgement of a dream come true.

by Anonymousreply 72May 26, 2024 3:09 AM

We're the acceptance speeches that quadruple-threat, Bradley Cooper, wrote and memorized twelve nominations ago. One is for acting, another is for directing, another is for producing, and yet another is for screenwriting. If his losing streak doesn't end soon, he'll be adding songwriting, art direction, and costume design.

by Anonymousreply 73May 26, 2024 3:40 AM

"... and who could ever believe that a story about a farting contest would ever win for best picture... I'd like to thank my mother..."

by Anonymousreply 74May 26, 2024 4:40 AM

I'm the sense of pure entitlement Shirley Maclaine announces to the universe when she comes to accept her award.

by Anonymousreply 75May 26, 2024 4:49 AM

I’m the line of coke that was just snorted up the nose of the best actress winner a few minutes before she begins her speech. It will calm her nerves and hopefully help keep her ribs showing through her Oscar grown this year and next.

by Anonymousreply 76May 26, 2024 6:02 AM

I'm the part of the speech which acknowledges another nominee should have won. I simultaneously enrage the remaining three nominees and piss off half the voting Academy!

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by Anonymousreply 77May 26, 2024 10:28 AM

I'm the Hersholt Award winner, no one cares about me, and most people go to to the john or make a sandwich when I'm on.

by Anonymousreply 78May 26, 2024 10:31 AM

Wow, R69, that sounded like one of his speeches from Reds!

by Anonymousreply 79May 26, 2024 11:55 AM

I'm the social cause the actor has been using all season to campaign on and promote in their speeches that they will never mention again.

by Anonymousreply 80May 26, 2024 12:07 PM

I'm the montage of dead people that no one can see during the In Memoriam section of the program.

by Anonymousreply 81May 26, 2024 2:41 PM

I'm the mental arithmetic of how much more my salary will be now I've won. I've memorised this speech since I was 16 so I can just say it on autopilot and look sincere.

by Anonymousreply 82May 26, 2024 6:00 PM

speech /spiːtʃ/


1. the expression of or the ability to express thoughts and feelings by articulate sounds.

Similar:speaking ,talking ,verbal communication ,verbal expression, articulation

2.a formal address or discourse delivered to an audience.

Similar:talk, address, lecture,discourse,oration,disquisition,peroration

by Anonymousreply 83May 26, 2024 6:04 PM



1. R83

by Anonymousreply 84May 26, 2024 6:08 PM

I'm Bradley Cooper's mom who knows she will have to console her little boy after he has to hear another actor accepting an Oscar.

by Anonymousreply 85May 26, 2024 9:05 PM

I’m the tearful salute to an inspirational dead relative.

by Anonymousreply 86May 27, 2024 6:00 AM

I'm thanking those who believed in me.

by Anonymousreply 87May 27, 2024 6:16 AM

I'm the lack of thanks to the writer/s, without whom there would be no fucking movie in the first place!

by Anonymousreply 88May 27, 2024 6:54 AM

I´m the superbly crafted self-deprecation, poise ,humor and impressiv vocabulary.

by Anonymousreply 89May 28, 2024 12:38 AM

[quote] I'm the phoney humble shock on display after winning, despite campaigning all year.

[quote] I'm the sense of pure entitlement Shirley Maclaine announces to the universe when she comes to accept her award.

Ahm, I guess that watching the mud fight R1 and R75 are about to have, I'll be cheering the former. I'll take sincere arrogance over fake humility any day, please.

by Anonymousreply 90May 28, 2024 9:59 AM

Starting @1:00, I am Cloris Leachman gliding on to the stage to accept her Oscar.

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by Anonymousreply 91May 28, 2024 8:47 PM

I'm a member of the orchestra who has to play someone off whose speech is running too long.

by Anonymousreply 92May 29, 2024 2:17 AM

I’m the hand clutching the forehead in shock.

by Anonymousreply 93May 29, 2024 3:55 AM

I'm the loser trying to maintain a good sport face.

by Anonymousreply 94May 29, 2024 5:18 AM

R94 is not Angela Bassett.

by Anonymousreply 95May 29, 2024 6:24 AM

I'm the rags adorning Frances McDormand, accompanied by her unbrushed hair, to show you she really doesn't care about the superficial aspects of all this... she's a REAL woman who portrays REAL characters.

by Anonymousreply 96May 29, 2024 7:56 AM

I'm the Oscar left in the john.

by Anonymousreply 97June 11, 2024 2:53 PM

I'm "the greatest actress in the English language."

by Anonymousreply 98June 11, 2024 3:42 PM

I’m the anti-Israel speech.

by Anonymousreply 99June 11, 2024 4:27 PM

I’m the vague demands for an INCLUSION RIDER!!!!

by Anonymousreply 100June 11, 2024 5:08 PM

I'm the shout out to all the maggots feasting on the flesh and bones of everyone who ever existed, mattered, and took up space. Thank you Viola!

by Anonymousreply 101June 11, 2024 5:25 PM

I’m the guilty white person who won over someone black. Every word and inflection of my speech will be picked apart by the media.

by Anonymousreply 102June 11, 2024 7:10 PM

I'm the surprisingly short male actor who has stand around awkwardly while the microphone is lowered on the lectern.

by Anonymousreply 103June 14, 2024 12:19 PM

I'm not the winner but rather the one to whom the Oscar was given.

by Anonymousreply 104June 14, 2024 12:21 PM

I'm the acknowledgement that my recipient will never be up here again

by Anonymousreply 105June 14, 2024 12:27 PM

I'm Tom Cruise. Still waiting.

by Anonymousreply 106June 14, 2024 3:01 PM

I´m written on a piece of paper that is folded 15 times over. I´m hidden in a besparkeld evening purse under cosmetics, pills and some muffy good luck charm. Sometimes i´m getting lost in a voluptuous cleaveage,ore lack thereof . Ore i´m hidden in the other pocket of a smokin jacket.

Whatever the case i make sure that nervous,trembling sweaty hands of the winner have a hard time finding me.

by Anonymousreply 107June 14, 2024 4:38 PM
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