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Just feeling kinda frozen

Hey there, I know this is usually NOT the place to come for insightful, meaningful insight (and tbh, that’s why we kinda love it sometimes, right), yet I find myself throwing out a thread… baring my soul and insecurity to the wolves. Ughhhh. Well, here goes….

I’m a mid 50’s guy, who’s been off work for about a year. Financially, I’m doing ok. And could continue like this for a while, but I’m seeing my savings dwindle down… and it’s been long enough. I just really feel almost frozen. It’s the only way I know how to describe it. I know I should look for a job, or retraining, or even look into career counselling…. but I’m honestly just stuck. I spend my days not really wanting to do anything. I sit at home, watch tv, run errands, and surf for a hookup. This is not how I pictured my life. I am attached (in an open relationship), and he’s supportive, but I don’t really know if he realizes how I feel. I could dismiss it as just being lazy, but it’s something else. I do suffer from ADHD, and have battled with depression in the past, and I’m wondering…. should I speak to someone professionally about this? Or…. am I just using this as an excuse to not return to work. Any insight into this, or maybe has anyone else felt like this?

by Anonymousreply 44May 27, 2024 1:37 AM

1) get a fucking job

2) get a shrink. If you aren't on ADHD medicine - you should be - because the first couple months are fabulous from the speed and new zest and focus.

3) speak to your partner about it. only after you have a job because it might be time to break up.

by Anonymousreply 1May 14, 2024 6:50 PM

Just smoke copious amounts of pot, silly!

by Anonymousreply 2May 14, 2024 6:50 PM

Hi! You sound depressed. I am sorry. I hope you feel better soon. I think. making some incremental changes could help. Setting a timer for 15 minutes and doing what you need to do. Look at your nutrition and exercise regime. Also, I believe there is a huge correlation between depression and boredom and you need to start doing more and sitting around less. I would recommend a good therapist and a good career counselor. Mid-50s is still young

by Anonymousreply 3May 14, 2024 6:59 PM

I'm 36 and quit my job last April. My savings are dwindling as well, but I'm committed to "retirement" at this point.

by Anonymousreply 4May 14, 2024 7:04 PM


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by Anonymousreply 5May 14, 2024 7:05 PM

Who benefits most from this open relationship? Do you have any non-sexual friends to speak to? This is not a time for pride. It took me a long time to realise my older sister was probably my true best friend even though we tormented each other growing up. Unconditional love.

by Anonymousreply 6May 14, 2024 7:08 PM

You sound like you have depression.

by Anonymousreply 7May 14, 2024 7:13 PM

Shrinks are so over rated and cost money.

The smart move is to continuing to get your mental health therapy here at DL. Doing so shows that you are a serious depressed man not just a run of the mill depressed man.

by Anonymousreply 8May 14, 2024 7:13 PM

Consistently engaging in dangers such as hookups and reckless spending are hallmark symptoms of borderline personality disorder, OP. If you can’t feel love from your partner, hence the open relationship thing, your romance is totally dead in the water. You’re in the middle of your life, you’re not 22 and think sex is a sport or an edible indulgence. It’s meant to mean a little something, more than just getting a stranger to fuck you.

Start saving some money by cutting down your bills. Whether it’s credit cards, subscription services or consistent extravagant spending, you’ll start saving a bundle.

Sorry to be a little harsh, but constant “sorry” never resolves shit. Believe me, as someone who’s gone through tragedy after tragedy like I have, you have to be frank sometimes.

by Anonymousreply 9May 14, 2024 7:14 PM

I don't have any words of advice, but I do think employment is important. I used to dream of being without a job, even wishing I could be made redundant at times, but then I came to realise I need the routine.

And when I was feeling anxious, work actually helped in a weird way because it gave me focus and distracted me from my inner feelings.

You haven't got to go into some massively well paid job. I think almost any work is better than none.

by Anonymousreply 10May 14, 2024 7:19 PM

I must have missed where OP mentioned "extravagant spending".

by Anonymousreply 11May 14, 2024 7:23 PM

Christ, you’re tedious.

by Anonymousreply 12May 14, 2024 7:34 PM

You should run off with one of your fuck buddies, OP. Just throw caution to the wind!

by Anonymousreply 13May 14, 2024 8:25 PM

You only see what your eyes want to see. How can life be what you want it to be?

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by Anonymousreply 14May 14, 2024 8:33 PM

[quote] Just feeling kinda frozen

You only see what your eyes want to see

How can life be what you want it to be

You're frozen

When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get

You waste your time with hate and regret

You're broken

When your heart's not open

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by Anonymousreply 15May 14, 2024 8:33 PM

You’re depressed. Give yourself a week, then try and find some sort of gig that isn’t too taxing. Quit the hookups for now too.

Things will get better. You need to give yourself some grace.

by Anonymousreply 16May 14, 2024 9:00 PM

R9, you can’t be serious that hooking up regularly is a symptom of a personality disorder. I mean what exactly do you suggest for someone who’s single and has a strong sex drive???

by Anonymousreply 17May 14, 2024 9:15 PM

Rescue a dog.

by Anonymousreply 18May 14, 2024 10:45 PM

Pack your nightie, some lube, and join the circus OP!

by Anonymousreply 19May 14, 2024 10:58 PM

R17 — A high sex drive is one thing, but hooking up with strangers is certainly unsafe. Wiki article on BPD states:

“Impulsive or reckless behaviors, including uncontrollable spending, unsafe sexual practices, substance use disorder, reckless driving, and binge eating.”

by Anonymousreply 20May 15, 2024 12:38 AM

I love you r8.

by Anonymousreply 21May 15, 2024 12:42 AM

I don't have any useful words of advice but I went through the same thing at the same age. I lost my job at 54. I had been with the company for 29 years so it was a large part of my identity. I was seeing a guy also. I couldn't get off my ass and find a job. I ended up working for my partner.

by Anonymousreply 22May 15, 2024 12:46 AM

[quote] I’m a mid 50’s guy, who’s been off work for about a year. Financially, I’m doing ok. And could continue like this for a while, but I’m seeing my savings dwindle down… and it’s been long enough.

[quote] I just really feel almost frozen. It’s the only way I know how to describe it. I know I should look for a job, or retraining, or even look into career counselling…. but I’m honestly just stuck.

[quote] I spend my days not really wanting to do anything. I sit at home, watch tv, run errands, and surf for a hookup. This is not how I pictured my life.

That's because it's hard to start over again in your mid-50's.

Careers are coming to an end, and not getting started. People are not hiring men in their mid-50's.

Also, mid-life crises start to set in, and it's a real thing. Just like women go through menopause, men go through a similar change. Low energy, physical slow down, and depression.

The other thing is that you just lack the motivation that you had in your 20's, back when the world and your future still held some promise.

The 50's are a time for reflection, and not really for looking ahead to a life full of promise. That's why being a senior citizen is called your "golden years." It's a time for sunsets, and not sunrises.

You're not alone, op.

But the hardest part is being financially unstable at your age. Because income potential goes way down in your 50's, and not up. So if you're not already financially set, then you're screwed.

Another hard thing is being a single gay man with no kids. Friends move away, or die off, of just lose interest. The circle gets smaller, the interactions get more infrequent, and your world just gets smaller.

Aging sucks. Aging in poverty sucks even more. But aging alone sucks the most.

by Anonymousreply 23May 15, 2024 12:58 AM

Drive for Uber? Greeter at Wal-Mart? Something to get you off your butt, doesn't need to be CEO of IBM. pizza delivery for Domino's, good tips!

by Anonymousreply 24May 15, 2024 1:18 AM

Volunteer at a place you love, like a library or animal shelter. You might be able to parlay that into a paying job.

Or just get work at a place you frequent, like a movie theater, gym, or art studio.

Good luck!

by Anonymousreply 25May 15, 2024 1:21 AM

Get a job, dude. This is your time to not only get hired, but to land a great job offering the salary you need to save for your retirement. You only have 15 years maximum to remain in the workforce. You don't want to see your savings account dwindle right now.

by Anonymousreply 26May 15, 2024 1:36 AM

Oh. You have ADHD/autistic burnout.

This was fairly simple.

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by Anonymousreply 27May 15, 2024 1:39 AM

OP sounds depressed. OP will feel even more depressed if OP spends all of his savings. OP's partner is probably not happy, either.

Get a job, OP.

by Anonymousreply 28May 15, 2024 2:11 AM

OP is going to end up living in a van, down by the river.

by Anonymousreply 29May 15, 2024 2:14 AM
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by Anonymousreply 30May 15, 2024 2:20 AM

🎵 let it go…

by Anonymousreply 31May 15, 2024 3:14 AM


I have searched but I can’t find one study showing that rampant sexual hook ups with those you meet on line is a sign of good mental health. Single or not . An honest person would at least be open to the possibility that all of this sex with so many different people almost none you know is not a sign of a mentally healthy person.

Just because we do it or did it when young does not mean it’s in any way a good thing or a normal thing for most well balanced people. All addicts rationalize their behavior.

I know men many many gay or bi men with 300+ different sex partners in a years time, it’s an addiction. It’s not healthy. It’s why the msm or gay male community sets national records for STDs.

But it is what it is.

by Anonymousreply 32May 15, 2024 10:46 AM

OP, here's my lecture: I'm also mid-50s and just got let go from my job. Unless you have a huge nest egg of at least a couple million, I would be frightened to continue unemployed. The longer you are unemployed, the less attractive you are to employers. Cliche but totally true.

It's so important to get back out there quickly. Believe me, I know how hard it is. I get up each day and apply for jobs and do skills-building in my field. Trying to network, too, and get lots of fresh air and exercise. It all helps. Please help yourself and let others help you, too. Good luck--I'll be thinking of you.

by Anonymousreply 33May 15, 2024 11:02 AM

OP, I used to type up the reports of workers' compensation doctors, and what you have is a psychological syndrome these doctors called "functional overlay". It happens to nearly everyone who has been unwillingly out of work for more than 6 months, whether through illness, injury or just having been laid off and not having got another job. It makes it much harder to get one, because now you're competing with newly unemployed people who don't have it.

So it's an absolutely normal reaction to your situation, but you need to get some counselling or therapy to help you break out of it so you CAN move on to where you want to be in life. And what R33 says is true regarding your age, so you need to get moving.

Doing a part-time volunteer job, or doing a low-paid, low-stress job like stacking shelves at the supermarket a couple of days a week, could be a good warm-up to get you back to a routine and remind you of the sociable benefits of working.

by Anonymousreply 34May 15, 2024 12:50 PM

Thanks for all the ideas, everyone. Honestly, it’s something I never thought I would be facing. The sheer inability to get off my but, and get moving. I’ve never had these issues before. Thanks for the kind words, really.

by Anonymousreply 35May 15, 2024 7:42 PM

Nothing wrong with frozen...

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by Anonymousreply 36May 15, 2024 7:47 PM

Hide whatever you have then apply for medicaid...seriously. As we get older we will go through our saving like a leaking faucet because of health issue.

Until we get universal health care...(Never) this is the only way to survived without 50 million co-pays that wipe you out everything you ever made

by Anonymousreply 37May 15, 2024 8:27 PM

"Snap out of it Mary"... (hard bitch slap across both cheeks)

Grow a pair, Life is hard, deal with it!!

by Anonymousreply 38May 15, 2024 8:32 PM

Good luck to you op

by Anonymousreply 39May 15, 2024 8:40 PM

If you're not on Prep you better get on it asap, OP. And tell your partner to get on Prep, too. The cost of HIV meds is no fuckin joke, especially with only one of you working.

by Anonymousreply 40May 15, 2024 9:41 PM

I'm sorry for the depression and gripping fear of falling / immobility that accompanies it, OP. I went through this while my old job was falling apart as I turned 40 and have always been the primary breadwinner. My identity was my job (and to some extent, still is) and losing that created a huge problem for me as far as my self image and what I could do or wanted to do. I took a medical leave for depression and ended up being out for 5 months and had to find a new job, the old job in middle healthcare management, was sunsetted out before my medical leave was up. All of the middle managers jobs were cut. I found something lower level but in the same field and plugged away. It was different, I enjoyed meeting a lot of new people. I suspect that once you get out there and get moving, and meeting people, you will feel less depressed. Find a community group or activity you can join while you look for work. Go to similar interest Instagram meet ups, not just hookups or join a social or volunteer or community club. Like Dear Abby said, go to the LGBTQ Center and sign up. It's good advice.

You can do this OP. Better yourself before you tell (and possibly scare) your partner. If you are changing, grant yourself patience and grace and give yourself and your partner a wide berth.

by Anonymousreply 41May 15, 2024 9:56 PM

Lots of good advice. I'm not op but I appreciate all the opinions

by Anonymousreply 42May 16, 2024 5:54 AM

How are you feeling OP?

by Anonymousreply 43May 26, 2024 10:52 PM




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