I don't miss my mom

Every woman becomes their mother. That's their tragedy. And no man becomes his. That's his tragedy.

Yeah, people tell themselves that their parents "did their best" and it's just not true, sometimes.

I did my best= I half-assed everything and resented every moment of responsibility.

I didn't ask much from you, OP. Why couldn't you give me the respect that I'm ENTITLED TO? Why couldn't you treat me like I would be treated by any STRANGER ON THE STREET?

So many of us here are so damaged and we try to fill that hole by filling our holes. Both of them.

[quote] So many of us here are so damaged and we try to fill that hole by filling our holes. Both of them.

Or even more than two!

From a post to an earlier thread called "I Miss my Mom":

My mother died in early October last year, and it was the greatest gift she ever gave me.

No more shame; no more neglect; no more passive/aggressive and AGGRESSIVE acts to put me down. I don't even know how she died or where her remains now reside, and I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. She always said she never believed in God and that when she died we could take her body, put it in a garbage bag, and place it on the curb for pick up.

Just hoping that this is EXACTLY what happened, because it is what she wished for and deserved. WORST EXCUSED FOR A HUMAN BEING - EVER.

I didn't shed a tear when my mom died. I was relieved. She died 2 years ago and I only wished she had died sooner; my life would have been a lot easier.

I realized that both my parents became narcissistic personality types (and then, a co-dependent couple) due to childhood neglect and abuse. I try to understand how this led to them always making selfish decisions that hurt other people. But it's difficult.

My mother thinks Mother's Day is her special, sacred day. When she will be lauded for all her saintly qualities and sacrifices. But no one agrees.

Well, OP I missed the opportunity to be a mother to a wonderful, caring, and loyal daughter. Instead, life gave me a 25 year old harlot in a six year old’s body, with daddy issues and a size 22 inch waist. Needless to say, death is the great equalizer.

Broken people shouldn't breed. And yet they mindlessly do all the time, because they think that's just something you're supposed to do and that's that. Everything else in their life might be shit, but they say to themselves "hey, at least I bred" before they go to sleep, just so they don't blow their brains out right there and then.

My mother was maddening traditional in that, she supported my father over the children. He was a closeted man and my mother knew and looked away. Little affection or embarrassing drunken tirades, he hit her too. She accepted his faults and thought we should persevere, as she didn't want to be alone I'd guess.

OP, you'll never know the truth. All you can do is figure out a way to disconnect the tapes and hurt less. Can you find five happy memories and replay them?

R13 - Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. Take your pithy platitudes, dry up, and blow away.

Got my grandmother a fabrege egg and cameo necklace for Mother's Day. Got my mother nothing. She has a favorite son (that she actually took care of and didn't try to kill five times) who can get her something.

Also had to call the police because this Charles Manson lookalike who has been stalking my neighbor was pounding on her door demanding she let him in or else he was going to break the door down, force his way in and fuck her up the ass. I kid you not. Such a fun day so far......🙄

*Faberge

op i'm sorry that happened to you. hugs.

People always assume that the homos must have daddy issues. And you know what, we do. It's just that our mommy issues are even worse.

Mine was not outwardly terrible, but she put all (misplaced) emphasis on preempting her children embarrassing her in some way. She was terrible in harboring exclusively small expectations: that her children not land in jail, that they be financially self sufficient and solvent, that they not dress poorly or wear soiled clothes, that they not reflect negatively upon her in any way, or pursue any sort of "too high for their own good" aspirations (in academics, in professional life, in the sorts of accomplishments in other parents might have found pleasure and some reflection on childrearing.) Any hint of aspiration was always rebuffed as some "high horse" dreaming, whether it came from me or from my many teachers, academic counselors, or principals: instead she insisted I should no higher than dig in deep to some low level but very secure job for a government body.

As an adult my siblings and I realized that she went to great pains to berate each of us as negative examples to the others, and to engineer distances between us that didn't spoil the conflicting un/truths that she had used to separate her children. The comparison of notes only unfolded slowly in her last years when dementia aggravated her mean-spiritedness that she had taken such great pains to gloss over and appear outwardly pleasant and perfect. She spent her last years speaking (on a tape loop) of her hope that would bury all of her children and that she could be buried with her money in the coffin. Reminded that she had outlived one of her children she would get a confused look, then turn bitter and remember that there was still chance to outlive the others.

No, I don't miss her. I acted responsibly (as did my otehr siblings) in seeing that she was well looked after her care in her last years whe she required regular attention and supervision, but I don't miss her for making me achieve what I have despite her, nor for spending decades badmouthing her children and pitting one against another, nor for turning on her few friends in her last years, nor for the way age didn't soften but instead greatly intensified her many character faults. And I dont miss her for not encouraging her children in their interests and aspirations and instead harping on their keeping up appearances to bolster hers.

I'm not bitter, not angry, nor do I carry a grudge against her. I have some good memories of her. Unless someone truly pries, I don't speak ill of her (outside an anonymous board.) But what I don't have is any time for that treacly "a mother is a boy's friend" sorts of thinking, and neither do I shed any tears for a woman of steely resolve. I've known women who were extraordinary mothers, and mothers who genuinely did their best and beyond to raise their children and to help pave a life for them rich in choices. My mother wasn't one of those wonderful mothers. Her version of "tried her best" was that her children not embarrass her, and for that miserably low and selfish expectation I don't miss her.

Thanks, R19 -- you wrote that so I didn't have to.

Back in the day a modest job working for the government provided you with all your needs and a few of your desires.

My family is the same in they behave as if it is still 1977, they don't understand times have changed and 15 dollars an hour is a poverty wage, they think it is good money and offer terrible advice.

R19, my father tried to pit his children against each other by praising us to each other to engender jealousy. It worked in most cases, however I didn't mind hearing good things about my brother, so that stopped. My sister is as nasty as my father, but not as capable in business, major life choices, anything really. He knew it was pointless praising her to me. His praise of me/my brother to her helped create a monster.

My mother can be a bitch, but she can also be nice. She is not in the same league as my father or sister. They're psychopaths.

Baby Boomer and Gen X problems

My mother would've been better suited moving to NYC and becoming a "career girl." She tried her best.

R14, you're still angry. You come here to abuse strangers. I'm not. I've dealt with my pain and tried to share what I found works. I no longer hear my mother;s voice in my head. I can remember kind, loving things she did along with her rage and insults.

Healing is a different process for everyone. For me, it involved becoming a teacher and treating young people with respect and kindness.

I wish the OP and you peace and freedom from pain.

I birthed such a wacko loser. He was such a disappointment and not at all normal. But I did the best I could with what I had to work with.

OP is Barbra Streisand. Yes, Barbra, we read all about your troubled relationship with your mother in your memoir. We know all about it.

So did Barbra turn into her mother while raising Jason ? We will have to wait for Jason's book.

Is R7 an excerpt from the Letters of Stephen Sondheim?

You’re in the wrong place, OP

Reddit is the place where all the complainers about their withholding, narcissistic, bipolar, borderline mothers gather to weep about how they are now neuro-atypical, on-the-spectrum, socially phobic, withdrawn, hate-their-coworkers, suicidal depressives because of their dastardly mommies.

Good lord sounds like some people will spend their entire life blaming their woes on the parent. At what point do you own your own life and get over it already?

R30 I was friends with someone for nearly 30 years who blamed his parents for everything that went wrong in his life. Everything. He identified himself as an 'adult child of alcoholic parents' because that's how many of his countless therapists defined him. He couldn't hold down a job for more than six months, he couldn't be in a relationship for more than a month, he couldn't succeed at anything. He drank excessively for a while, and he blamed his mother (who he said was an alcoholic). By 2016, both his parents had died within months of each other (he was 50 at the time) and left him very little money and no assets. He complained about that, too (how dare they enjoy the money they earned and didn't leave it all for him?). In 2021, during the pandemic, he was one of the long-time friends I weeded out. We're still 'facebook friends' and once in a great while I'll check his page - he hasn't changed and he's in his late 50s now.

I only love my bitchy mother because she left me 8 million $

[quote]So did Barbra turn into her mother while raising Jason ?

She turned into the opposite. Babs treats Jason like he's her lover - notice the pictures.

[quote] OP, you'll never know the truth. All you can do is figure out a way to disconnect the tapes and hurt less. Can you find five happy memories and replay them?

this kind of comment is not that helpful. What does "disconnect the tapes" mean?

Find five happy memories and replay? Should OP also Eat, Pray, and Love?

This is a thread to vent a little. These do sound like platitudes from a Pollyanna.

Required reading for today!

R34, being a Pollyanna and balancing negative thoughts with positive ones is the only way to overcome lifelong depression. It's called cognitive therapy and I recommend it. Believe me, I had dreadful parents and years of hating them. "Disconnecting the tapes" means that with therapy, medication and every iota of energy I could muster I no longer replay these incidents or hear their belittling voices in my head. They're dead and I don't think about them, not even on Mother's Day.

You are right that some people need to vent and I wish someone had set up ground rules because I would have respected them. You may not find what I said helpful and that's okay. I think it's good for people to know they're not going to be trapped in a cycle of rage and anguish for the rest of their lives. There are many things we can't control but we can control our reactions to other people

I wish everyone peace and love.

This is a sad thread....

My mother was always a prick to me, because I "ruined" her life before I was even born. As a senior in high school, she slept with my father in the back seat of his Chevy and got pregnant. She dropped out of high school a month before graduation, married my father, and was stuck with me -- and she never let me forget it.

She had two daughters after me, but they were "wanted." I was always the black sheep -- and it didn't help when I "came out" early, got involved with the Women's Movement, yada yada yada. Her refrain to me was always, "Don't you get pregnant and bring your kids back here for me to raise!" I used to say, "Mom, I'm never getting married and I'm never having kids." And she would roll her eyes.

After my first GF and I bought a house together (I was 24), my mother was sitting with me on the front porch, and I said, "Remember when I told you I was never getting married and never having kids?" "Yes," she responded curtly. I asked her with a smile, "Do you believe me now?"

It never got better with her, no matter what I did. And I did a lot as I hit my 30s that other parents would have been very proud of. Seriously.

But I don't loathe her the way I used to. And she's nice to me now. You know what changed? Two years ago, she fell down in the shower, got an infection that went to her brain, and sustained brain damage. Now she lives in "the Home." She has very little short term memory -- if you ask her at dinner what she had for lunch, she won't be able to tell you. But she's happy all the time, like a seven year old child. And she's glad when I call her or go up there to see her.

And she's never been nicer to me in my entire life.

Life is funny. You never know.

[quote] She dropped out of high school a month before graduation, married my father, and was stuck with me -- and she never let me forget it.

I know this is your mother, but that is really dumb logic. She was the one who got knocked up, accidentally.

A child’s love is a mother’s greatest reward.

My mother was trampled by camels.

R39, chiming in to state the obvious.

[quote] She was the one who got knocked up,

She didn’t “get knocked up.”

A MAN knocked her up.

That’s how it happens. Women couldn’t “get themselves pregnant” before IVF.

R13 Straight cunt Alert!!

I don't think the other members of the What's My Line? panel liked my mom.

There is no bigger fallacy or cop out than “they did their best”. My mother certainly knew better but she felt free to keep doing it her way. My dad was just lazy as a parent.

You. Take. That. Back!

And your father, OP? I take it he was proud of you and did everything he could do to help you.

You can't save French toast.

I feel sorry for moms. It's hard to be a mom. Or, it's hard to be a GOOD mom.

It's easy to be a bad mom, being a bad mom is as easy as being a great dad.

I agree with the "doing their best" being bullshit.

This point was driven home when a group of us were talking about our childhoods and one person told several stories of how violent his father was. At the end he said "Well he was just doing the best he could" to which someone else replied:

Did your father beat up the neighbors? No. Did he beat up his co-workers or his buddies? No. Then THAT was the best he could do, not how he treated you.

My mother should have just had plants

R35

Men who have never played baseball, refused to play baseball, complaining about those that don’t play baseball well enough to suit them,

#19.

My mother was okay 50% of the time and I missed her for a year or so after her death. Now, not at all.

A grade school teacher told her I "didn't try," and she threw that in my face for 25+ years. I could have has a big money job, but I "didn't try." I could have had been a success in the art world but I "didn't try." Everything she saw wrong with my life was because I "didn't try." Only later did I learn that EVERY TEACHER says that to parents about their children.

I lived in fear of my mom my entire life. Her death was probably the best thing that ever happened to me, except that once, long ago now, life gave me a cat and I loved him for all the years we had together. He was even better than her death.

R56

Actually teachers do not say “they don’t try” to every parent. That is total and complete bullshit. In fact they often say just the opposite

So how successful have you been? That is more likely proof if your teachers were correct or not.

I don’t miss your mom either, OP.

I feel sorry for OP. I lost my mom last year to end stage Alzheimers and the gradual loss over 2 years was absolutely brutal. What I wouldn't give to have her in health, again. Covid stole some of the last good years from us, and I'm still not over it.

I miss your mom, OP.

R58, in the 1960s they did to many.

A mother’s love is truly unconditional, even if it isn’t always reciprocal.

That's why it's better if the child goes first.

R58 = disgruntled teacher

R65

Nope but I am someone that recognizes silly excuse makers when I see one.

“I was not a lazy slug that did not try teachers say that about all kids”

R66 = disgruntled mother

R67

It’s DL it’s always someone else’s fault

I do miss my mom and I do think she did her best. She did some great things and some not so great.

But I completely understand that not every familial relationship is Hallmark card worthy.

I was actually remembering recently how bad a kid I was, causing my mom so much hassle, because I was so bullied at school for being gay and she had to deal with it. Imagine, I couldn't just suck it up and leave her out of it. Honestly, U couldn't tell her any problems, she just made them worse..everything put her over the edge. My sister actually told me in recent years that she only survived because of me. I used to tell my sister, They don't matter, if they weren't your parents would u respect the opinions of those 2 supposed parents. My sister reminded me recently that that advice saved her...and she didnt understand why I didn't take my own advice. .but I was just trying to help my sister, I didn't believe my own advice.

Roz Chast totally OWNS the Bad Mother Market:

More from Roz:

I won't miss my parents when they die. They divorced when I was young and were too self-involved to even "see" their children. They're almost like emotional zombies. I worked through a lot of it with therapy, etc. when I was younger, but I think the best remedy was moving far away and limiting contact. I feel bad for people I know in my life who stay in close contact with their parents who are so obviously shit heels. "They did the best they can" might apply in some instances, but I think a lot of people use that term because they are not ready to come to grips with the fact their parents did not do their best (and, worse yet, maybe did not love them and certainly did not love being parents).

Right on cue, SNL hits the nail on the head:

It would be helpful to know when you all grew up. Me, late 1960s-1970s.

I forgive my mom for being heartless and not the same as the ones I saw on TV because my father was non-existent. He brought home a pay check, he lived in the house. He must have said less than ten words to me and my siblings in his lifetime, and it was always negative. She had to do all of the parenting.

"She did the best she could..." when truly internalized, is freedom. Letting go of judgement and resentments is how you stop renting space your head to her.

Forgive, let go, move on... is how you access some emotional and psychological freedom.

I don’t miss you either

No. You move on when you're ready to and not before then.

Too bad the OP never met his father so that he could add some perspective and understanding to his kicking the dead woman.

As if we care if he "misses" his "mom" or not.

R78 And she sits there in the corner of your cerebral cortex.... not moving, staring at you. Not paying a penny of rent.

I think it depends on the person. It is some people's nature to move on easily. But some people make themselves a mess because they try to mentally paper over what happened to them. They try to drink it away, eat it away, spend it away or pass it down the line to their own kids. I wish there was more honesty about this and parenthood, in general, as the same patterns keep repeating themselves generation after generation.