Let’s be an Eldergay’s house

I'm the lingering odor of scented candles, Obsession and shart.

I'm the wall calendar of hot men hanging by the fridge. Yes, I use the calendar app on my phone and tablet, but they don't have hot, shirtless guys.

I’m the drugstore reading glasses, one pair in every room.

I’m the Chinese slippers in every colour of the rainbow. I make the closet floor look like a pride flag.

I am the complete leather-bound set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, the globe of the world, the rotary telephone, and the crystal bowl of hard candies. Sherlock Holmes and his friend and colleague, Dr. Watson, are expected to arrive at any moment. They will appreciate me.

I'm the collection of caftans and earrings.

I'm the nacreous layers of permacum.

I'm the red bathroom.

I am the wall of dusty old books that I use a decor circa 1970 design trends that tells the world how worldly I am. I wont let go of this outdated concept no matter how many decades have passed me by.

We are the hundreds of antiques littered throughout the space bordering on being a hoarder. Less is more or minimalism is a concept we do not understand.

I am Mother's many place settings of Wallace 'Grand Baroque' silverware stowed carefully in its original Chippendale Style footed canteen with campaign handles. 'Do you know about Campaign Furniture? Well, let me tell you about it even though you said you do know...'

I am more Fauxlonial corner cupboards than will fit in two octagonal rooms, stuffed with Mother's many sets of porcelain dinner ware. I have scrimped and saved and spent my meagre income as appointments manager at a dog hospital bumping up all her place settings for 6 or 8 into place settings for 12. Those fellows at Replacements in North Carolina are practically like family! I've spent I don't know how many thousands completing these sets of good china and now they are worth a cumulative $200. But they were Mother's and I do like the idea of a dinner for twelve, even if I've never done it. My friends all call me Hyacinth, you know, for Hyacinth Bucket.

I'm the stack of worn Fiestaware reproduction plates in off-colors that I eat off every day. I bought them at Bamberger's in the Eighties.

I'm off the hook.

I’m the Windows 97 still being used to log into the Datalounge, tastefully hidden away in an Empire era secrétaire.

I'm the sadness.

I'm the smell of the piss if Mitzi, a tiny bug-eyed Chihuahua. "It's just a little spray, like mist! Only when she gets excited."

The oriental rugs are now more dog piss than wool, but Mitch and Edward do love their little snaggle-toothed snarling, yapping monster, even if they are too fucking lazy to take the rat for walk, what after that elevator incident with Mrs. Collins in 11C. The neighbors and what few friends they have left do not love Mitzi.

*piss of Mitzi

I’m the Barbra Streisand CDs. I’m in chronological order.

R15 is not joking. What is it with elder gays and letting their dog piss everywhere? I became friends with an elder gay couple in my building a long time ago. After one of the died, the other sold the house and moved to Arizona. He's in his late 70's now. He kept asking me to visit, said he had a spare room and so I thought I would be nice and catch up with him. OMG is little scruffy dog had pissed is so many place I was gagging all night with a pillow over my head to filter out the smell. At one point the dog cam in my room, pissed on the carpet and when I notified my friend about cleaning it up, all he did was put some paper towels down and blot it. That's it, no shampoo, no water, nothing. How many hundreds of times did it happen before I got there. "it's just a little spray Dear, it doesn't bother us".

I’m the Tina Turner wall clock.

I am the full size black and white naked man posters in the living room trying to pawn that off as "art".

I'm the house of a self-aware modern eldergay..

1. My decor is updated every five years to reflect current trends ( that appeal to me) and to fit my current lifestyle.

2. I have one enclosed cabinet with memorabilia and collectables.

3. I do have "mothers crystal and china" only 10% is displayed that is of mid century design. I do use these items frequently . The rest is packed away in boxes.

4. Coffee table books have been gone since 2010, Mapplethorpe is in a cabinet and no Herb Ritts prints on the wall. No one needs to walk in the door and think. " must be gay" .

5. I purchase current and well-made textiles. No embellished tea towels in the kitchen or bar. No monogramed towels in the bathroom. No dryclean only comforters in the bedroom.

6. Landline Phone gone since 2004. No desktop computer, one Windows 10 laptop, one Chromebook and of course one Android phone.

7. I have the same rule in place as I do with men regarding possessions. If you haven't touched it in 6 months ( unless it is a seasonal item) it should be gone.

8. Most importantly if you are concerned about what people think about you based upon your house, focusing on maintaining a uncluttered ,well organized and scrupulously clean house is way more important than following whatever the trends you see on Wayfarer or Ikea are.

9. Old person things I do admit to. I have a terrazzo dish in my living room with a mixture of both regular and sugar free candy. Contents are updated seasonally. I have 2 pairs of Rx computer glasses with blue light filters for upstairs and downstairs with modern frames.

I’m the Madonna Sex book, sitting on the coffee table since 1992.

What happens to mother’s china once the gay son kicks the bucket? Does it end up at Goodwill? No one uses fancy floral place settings at home anymore unless said home is Downton Abbey.

[quote] No one uses fancy floral place settings at home anymore unless said home is Downton Abbey.

No one? Your world might be a touch small.

I am the shelf of Madame Alexander dolls inherited from spinster Aunt Helen.

Please turn "Fritzi the Oktoberfest Princess" to the wall when masturbating. He stare is far too intense!

Sorry. No one with any taste or good breeding uses fancy floral china anymore.

I’m the collection of vintage Playgirls carefully stored in the hall closet.

R26 is clueless and proudly misinformed.

"Good breeding" has nothing to do with her minimalist approach to serving fish sticks on Melmac or paper towels.

Ok Aunt Nancy. Post some pics the next time you serve five courses to twenty guests on your late mother’s Limoges service. Surely it won’t look utterly ridiculous and archaic.

Is this thread going to devolve into a battle between old queens about dishes?

I’m the extensive collection of Grace Jones and Pet Shop Boys CDs underneath the recessed lighting.

Miss sissy boodles won't touch her food unless it's served on a Franklin mint collectible gone with the wind plate.

I’m the John Davidson Cosmo centerfold

I’m the complete set of Tales of the City books. I was actually reread within the last couple years and I still really hold up.

I’m the jeans you wore years ago saved for when you lose weight, I know I forever will remain hanging in the back of the closet

I’m relieved that none of these things can be found in my house.

I'm the framed Follies poster.

I’m the earrings

I’m the caftans!

[quote]Landline Phone gone since 2004. No desktop computer, one Windows 10 laptop,

Desktop computers are not out of style. Most young hard core gamers build their own desktop computes and show them off like prized cars on YouTube. Laptops just dont have as much power as what you can put into a desktop PC. Especially when we talk about the GPU and not just the CPU.

I’m the lava lamp purchased at Spencer Gifts that still works.

I'm Mother's portrait hanging in the dining room, looking down on all with condescension and silent judgement.

I’m the set of crystal ashtrays I now use as candy dishes.

I'm the chintz sofa that smells of spilled gin, cigarette smoke and cat piss.

Hmm, this got me thinking. What kind of liquor is Elder Gay? Scotch on the rocks? Gin Martinis? Mint Julep?

One thing about gays (at least 35yo+ gays) is we’ll roll with some biting critiques, unlike the young’uns and the lesbians.

All of the above, r45.

R45 Cheap vodka.

R45, Blue Nun

Martini and Rossi Asti Spumante?

I'm the pair of lucky "pulling pants," to the extreme left front rack of the closet, just behind the hanger with the Missoni knit ties not worn for years. The ties, however, were worn more recently than the pulling pants which last served duty (fit a not yet fat sprawl of an ass) in 1986. The man who once fit in me pulls me out to reminisce, too often, about the days when the gay bars were abuzz, with men in tight jeans and flannel shirts, smoking Benson & Hedges longs, swallowing dick right there beside the trough urinal, one, two, three dicks then maybe invite a good prospect back home for fucking and maybe even brunch at Hamburger Mary's! Oh how the man who used to fit into me, who sanded my crotch none too subtly, pines for his hey day. Cock. Designing Women! Benson! Mary Tyler Moore! -and Rhoda! Damron Guides. Shopping for cock rings. Shitty Felice Picano novels. Cruising gay bookshops not for books but for more cock. Cock at the beach. Cock in the back rooms. Cock as soon as you walked into a gay bar (wearing me) and taking some "trash" for the evening to be sent curbside before breakfast. Now of course its all memories for him, as distant as the prospect of every fitting into me again. He has only Datalounge.

Gin and regret, of course.

I'm the garage stuffed with surplus art and antiques.

I'm mother's white doilies, placed carefully on each and every piece of dark wood furniture.

So many doilies.....

I'm the array of framed Playbills, with a replica of the Phantom mask in the center.

I'm the Gravy Boat that I only use for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I'm the competing scents of Murphy's Oil Soap, Fabuloso, the remains of a broken bottle of mother's Enjoli, and a bag of mothballs.

None of them are subtle, and none of them will go away.

I'm the vast collection of hemorrhoid creams in the bathroom closet, next to an ancient douche bag.

I'm the stained glass boudoir lamps

I’m the magnifying glass I keep in the kitchen in order to read labels and directions.

^finally, you nailed me.

I'm the OCD Dowager Queen known as R21

I'm the Jackie doll.

I’m the cat toys on the floor that Roomba regularly inhales.

If only your pair of pants could talk, R51!

I’m the Mitchell Gold sofas.

I am the of concoction of preparation H, lube, dust, and cat hair that spreads all over the house.

[quote]I’m mother’s ashes, pride of place in the centre of the mantle

Oh, dear.

I’m the framed old travel posters in the guest room…they were cool at one time!

I am the contents of the freezer in the kitchen - Lean Cuisines (neatly stacked), a handle-sized bottle of Smirnoff and a carton of Marlboro Lights Menthol 100s.

Mother always said to keep your cigarette carton in the freezer to keep the cigarettes fresh.

[quote]I’m the Barbra Streisand CDs. I’m in chronological order.

I'm all of Barbra's movies, concerts and tv specials in chronological order. On VHS.

I'm the framed Patrick Nagel print in "the parlor," as Mother always called it. Behind the Patrick Nagel print is an old stain from when Christopher threw a glass of Merlot at Richard's head and missed, during a heated argument about who did the best rendition of "I'm Still Here" from "Follies," during the Oscars party in 1986.

So far I have none of those things.

[quote]I'm the array of framed Playbills, with a replica of the Phantom mask in the center.

Peak Eldergay! 😂

I'm the bore that is R73.

I am the 32" waist jeans folded and stacked on a shelf in the back of the closet. My owner will be able to fit back into them "someday."

The last time my owner had a 32" waist, Ronald Reagan was President of the United States.

I’m the laminated DNR next to the stack of homoerotic coffee table books atop the knock-off Noguchi.

And the posters are blue now R69 because all the other colors have bleached..

R12, what's that? A rotary phone dialer?

Is that a pencil.....with feathers at the end?

"What happens to mother’s china once the gay son kicks the bucket? Does it end up at Goodwill? "

Yes. Where it is purchased by a young Nicolas Fairford wannabe who is decorating his first apartment. We roll our eyes at him, but secretly want to fuck him.

I’ll have you know MY Noguchi is fully authorized.

I'm the pencil next to the rotary phone.

I use it to dial.

Why do eldergays dial with pencils? Stubby fingers? Germophobia?

This thread brings back memories of an elder gay I hung out with when I was teen. He kept his Seneca filtered cigars in the freezer. There was a 1970s black and white studio portrait of him and his deceased partner on the wall. He had the complete dvd set of The Nanny, Marilyn Monroe movies, and a ouija board. He told me about the time some kids stole his dog's ashes thinking it was cocaine.

Woman used to dial with a pencil to protect their nails. Eldergays do it as a homage.

[quote] This thread brings back memories of an elder gay I hung out with when I was teen.

That sounds positively sordid.

Do tell.

I'm the aging Dirt Devil with a grey wig and googly eyes glued to it.

My owner calls me "Georgia Engel," and performs for me a few times a week.

I’m the ancient computer running outdated operating systems

I don't get that stereotype, R89. I am an eldergay, and all of my eldergay friends are very up-to-date with tech. They have new computers, tablets, and phones (usually Apple all around), and they update software all the time. I think you're holding onto a false image. Maybe you're thinking of older straight people?

I'm the "Dress Up David" refrigerator magnet set — Michelangelo's David, along with accessories like tank top, shorts, etc. My magnets still work but I am very, very faded.

No I’m thinking of DL

I’m the collection of personal correspondence with Faith Prince.

I’m the wall(s) of commercial-grade wire racks in every room of the apartment. Every shelf is overflowing with whatever the fuck it is. Tasteful woven baskets on a few shelves before all hope is lost and then it’s allllll Rubbermaid clear plastic.

[quote] I'm the framed Follies poster.

You’ve got me here.

But my poster was signed by members of the 2001 revival cast:

Blythe Danner

Gregory Harrison

Judith Ivey

Treat Williams

Polly Bergen

Marge Champion

Betty Garrett

It was a wonderful show and I got this poster for my husband who loves “Follies” and who adores Blythe Danner.

We were seated just behind Steven Spielberg and Kate Capshaw. Also seated nearby were Walter Cronkite, and Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates.

A great evening.

Mitzi is a Lhasa Apso, R15.

R5- Crystal bowl of hard candies?

That sounds like Grandma 👵!

I don’t put hard candy in a crystal dish, but I do have hard candy that reminds me of my grandmother.

The hard candy mentioned above is dusted with confectioners' sugar.

Does anyone remember it?

r99 I remember it, Greg, but in Butterscotch. I get it on Amazon from time to time.

Yes, R100 — Creamy Butterscotch Drops!

Greg, I liked Callard & Bowser's Butterscotch better. I wish they'd not stopped making that. But now I'm in a butterscotch mood. Maybe I'll order some of this.

- r100

I’m the delusion that my house could feature in a ‘Tasteful friends’ post on DataLounge.

R16 the booze! It’s the booze!

[quote]Why do eldergays dial with pencils? Stubby fingers? Germophobia?

For the crispness, R84. The crispness.

R100/R102,

You might enjoy this little essay.

R51. “shitty Felice Picano novels”: redundant

I'm the framed pics of Barbra Streisand.

I'm the extremely uncomfortable rent boy

"Good breeding" is a ridiculously outdated concept.

This isn't 1952 any longer.

I’m the framed programs from every production of “Sunset Boulevard” that’s ever run.

At least one room (probably the guest room) has Beverly Hills Banana Leaf Gold wallpaper and a peacock wicker chair in it.

I'm the Gene Marshall doll collection.

I'm mother.

I’m the lanai. The homeowners and their friends can’t help but sashay like Blanche whenever gathering there for brunch.

Most young hard core gamers

Most people are not hard core gamers at all, old gays have desktops, we had one but no more.

I'm the VHS box set of Dynasty.

[quote]I’m the drugstore reading glasses, one pair in every room.

As the kids today say: I feel seen.

Were the 14 plastic bags of different store-bought bread loaf uneaten end-slices!

I'm the original cast albums on vinyl and you better not refer to them as SOUNDTRACKS, buster.

R82 I joined the fucking Noguchi museum so I could get 10% off my Noguchi.

I'm the manila folder containing takeout menus from all restaurants within a three-mile radius.

I’m the People Magazine subscription I’ve had since 1974.

I’m the souvenir Fire Island shot glasses from 1980-2002.

Follies poster? Posters -plural! I have a wall with the original Broadway posters of every Stephen Sondheim show in chronological order, including revivals. I also have a half-sheet of the MDA "Scrabble" concert on the facing wall. In my office there's an original half-sheet for Follies -sans cast list. It was ready for the second cast that never came.

I never need to come out to visitors!

Why, R103? Tasteless, overdone homes are abundant in “Tasteful Friends” threads.

R99- Those look good.

I'm the placemats with plastic backings. There are some tablecloths in the house, but those are folded in the drawer, taken out only for - maybe - Thanksgiving.

I'm the Corelle or Fiestaware. I'm used 364 days of the year ... on top of the placemats.

I'm refuge from cunts.

I'm Greg.

I'm the stale Lorna Doone Shortbread Cookies.

I’m the extensive and pristine collection of International Male catalogs. Oh how Mother used to frown when she found them in the mailbox!

I'm the Ativan and wine coolers.

I'm looking for something.

I’m the stacks of books on Klismos chairs.

We keep hefty visitors from breaking the furniture around here.

I'm Joel, installing a Ring doorbell

[quote] I'm Greg.

🙄

[quote] We keep hefty visitors from breaking the furniture around here.

My overweight cousin actually did break a piece of my Mom's furniture. It was one of those Scandi ottomans that matched a Scandi armchair. He just sat on it the wrong way, I guess, and snap! My mom was kind of sad about it.

The only lube in an eldergay household is a canister of WD40 used to keep the door of mother’s cedar chest from creaking whenever he reaches in for one of her old Simplicity patterns.

Not true, R130!! EVERY gay man of taste, breeding, and style kept a can of Crisco by his bed.

We moved in 2021 and I very much consciously decorated in a clean, minimalist modern style so it wouldn’t look like an old-timey house, the way my parents’ house looked in their sunset years. But I’m guilty of so many things mentioned here. China and silver I use for special occasions. Gravy boats! A Noguchi floor-lamp that I would lay down my life for! And it gets worse. Ancestor portraits in gilded frames. I have no heirs, so I hope the landfill it all ends up in appreciates the nuances of all my collections.

Can I have your stuff R141?

I'm the freaky 'Venetian carnival masks' on the walls, up the stairs, tucked away on the bookshelf. I'm not from Venice, however, but my owner used to be a regular at the gifts shops of New Orleans' French Quarter.

Very masculine, don't you think?

I'm the Erté prints that line the walls. Don't you just love Erté? Don't you just love Art Deco?

Very masculine, don't you think?

I'm the worn, frayed afghan.

(R141 consider a Habitat for Humanity REStore in your will)

I’m the Nik Nik shirts in the closet.

Come on over

R144 I’m the rest of the house, which looks like it was designed by J.C. Leyendecker.

R110- It's not outdated for well brought up homosexual boys

I'm my portrait over the fireplace .

I'm the echoing loneliness of an empty house filled with the ghosts of men who died too young of a dread disease, of men killed because of their sexuality, of partners evicted by vindictive families because of the lack of legal protections.

I sit, alone, saddened by the disdain of young gays who do not acknowledge the freedoms they enjoy today are built from the blood and sweat and effort of their elders.

I'm the cozy fullness of a comfortable house filled with the memories of courageous uphill social battles, constitutional victories, medical breakthroughs and a culture where representation of people like me and my loved ones grows ever more varied and human.

I sit in comfort and relief to see the fruits of our efforts, younger generations who grow up with far fewer obstacles than mine faced, who are able to enjoy their youth, their instincts and their sexuality without fear or shame. They do not know how hard it used to be to simply be yourself and I hope they never do.

Oh gee OP, another thread to dehumanize a group of human beings. How MAGA of you!

r153 there are countless threads roasting millenials and gen z. And NOBODY here likes children. Its datalounge. not even the dead are safe.

I don/t feel “dehumanized.” I feel mocked. That’s what we do here.

I'm the loneliness that just drips off the walls.

I'm the padded toilet seat.

Before he was 50, this goddamn fruit would NEVER have had me in his house. But once he tried me, he was hooked.

I’m the towel warmer in my bathroom.

I love it.

I'm the Cottonelle Wipes.

That's nicer than mine, R152, but both are true.

I'm the grab bar in the shower that gets used constantly.

[quote]I’m the Nik Nik shirts in the closet.

I got rid of mine (two, a gift) in the '70s. Damn, those were ugly.

I’m the jugs of distilled water for the CPAP and for steam pressing mother’s beloved linens.

I',m the collection 30" waist jeans taking up a quarter of the closet in hope of being brought back in to service one day. They hang beside the collection of 42" waist jeans that have been worn for the past 15 years.

I think 42" is being kind, R163

I’m the house of the MARY! at R151. I wish he would stop talking to himself and stinking up my walls with his farts.

(quote0Most people are not hard core gamers at all, old gays have desktops, we had one but no more.

Most young straight men are gamers. It's a billion dollar industry and most gamers use desktops. As well as graphic artist, 3D animators, video editors, who all need desktop computers because laptops just don't cut it with the processing power you need for those applications. In fact, building a desktop PC has become an art form of it's own.

I’m the bottles of Forever Krystle.

I'm boxes of my grandma's Harlequin Romance novels in the basement. I can't part with them. Especially the ones with Fabio on the cover.

I'm R165 , one of the generation who refuses to learn from history because they think it can't happen to them. "I'm on PrEP bitcheeeees!"

I'm scouring the internet for Trump related stories. I need to post at least four new Trump threads a day. This way I can say I'm only semi-retired.

I’m the chintz tuffet.

I'm the rice cooker.

I’m a living will. I’m bequeathing seven figures to St. Jude’s, Habitat for Humanity, GMHC, Amnesty International, and the local homeless shelter.

I’m the nieces and nephews for whom Uncle Bottom has made no provision in his will for reasons which are well known to them (denigrating FOLLIES, stepping on Mitzi).

I'm one of Alexander Koch's scarfs that I bought on eBay.

[quote] I’m a living will. I’m bequeathing seven figures to St. Jude’s, Habitat for Humanity, GMHC, Amnesty International, and the local homeless shelter.

That's not what a living will, that's a regular will. A living will is an advance health care directive.

[quote] A living will is a legal document that tells doctors how you want to be treated if you cannot make your own decisions about emergency treatment. In a living will, you can say which common medical treatments or care you would want, which ones you would want to avoid, and under which conditions each of your choices applies.

I’m the top drawer in the bedside table. My contents have been unused for nearly a decade.

I am the bottom drawer where Tumms,, Ambien, nasal decongestant, and extra reading glasses are kept. I am in heavy use.

I’m the Game Show Network. I’m like Fox News, but for elderly homos. They leave me on for 22 hours each day.

That’s the top drawer, r178. The bottom drawer is for lube, condoms and Fleet enemas. It doesn’t get opened.

I'm the weekly pill organizer. My main purpose is to remind Hisstopher whether he took his Cymbalta and blood pressure meds this morning or not. He always forgets.

I'm Mitzi's birthday cake sitting in the fridge.

I’m the half empty case of Metamucil my nephews gave me for Christmas.

r181 Only mornings, Hissy?

I'm Hissy's morning and night pill cases.

I’m the cat hair.

You stole my Kim Carnes CDs!

I'm the '80s novelty T-shirt that says I CAN'T EVEN THINK STRAIGHT.

My owner has not been able to fit into me since 1997.

I'm the elastic waist pants.

I’m the curio cabinet full of circuit party souvenirs.

I'm a squat Mateus Rosé bottle with a yellow candle stub in it, the wax around the wick a dusty white.

I am evidence of times spent in Rossino's on North Sarah where the pizza was served with mizithra cheese, before heading to the Red Bull because Albee was in town.

I’m the Chianti-stained kimono I wear as I give visitors a tour of my vintage decanters. For the fortunate, I offer a detailed visitation of my mother’s authentic Corningware, which is catty-corner from my wall of autographed celebrity photos, most prominent the very rare Pink Lady and Jeff promo photo that’s authentically signed by all three cast members.

R191 "Visitors?" Really?

I’m the naughts Abercrombie and Fitch shirts. We’re missing a few buttons due to the host occasionally trying to squeeze himself back into us.

I'm ashamed how many of these things are in my apartment.

I’m the bridge mix and old fashioned on the occasional table beside the BarcaLounger, all set for a What’s My Line marathon on GSN.

I’m the “Can’t Stop the Music” poster, signed by three members of The Village People and Allan Carr, that I treasure.

[quote]most prominent the very rare Pink Lady and Jeff promo photo that’s authentically signed by all three cast members.

Pinku Raydee!

I'm the Xanadu dreams.

I'm the collection of whimsical chapeaus.

^Is that Vincent Price?

I am the cheap economy car in the garage that's going on 20 years old. It's practically brand new in my mind.

I'm the ex De Cain fan.

[quote]Let’s be an Eldergay’s house

I'm a 1910 Queen Anne cottage with a 1920s small attached garage the present owner converted into a black-paint sex dungeon in 1977.

I'm the medicine cabinets above the sink in each bathroom exploding with the remnants of every antibiotic created since penicillin, and a virtual tranche of topical creams, all decades past their expiry date. Despite not having had sex in 15 years, one always hopes, and as such, prepared.

That can be sadly true, R204. I was recently going through a closet specifically to clear out old luggage that I planned to replace. Inside one I found a toiletry case from bygone days. Everything it in was long expired -condoms, motion sickness pills, Tylenol, etc. The shampoos, sunscreen, and lotions had all separated and turned brown. Disgusting. The experience prompted me to go through every cupboard, shelf, medicine chest, etc. and do a proper clear out.

Let's just say I was shocked and leave it at that.

R18 i had a friend like that. I imagine you become odor blind after a while. I stayed overnight and couldn't sleep because of the low key stench of dog and cat piss that permeated everything.

I 'm the 9 cats and 12 parakeets buried under the porch.

I’m the chandelier on the piano.

Candleabra, R208.

I am the drawer of wall charges for phones and technology that don't exist anymore, but some day I might need them.

R201 But it's fully paid for and has less than 50K miles on it, so I'm good.

I’m the countless sparkly jacket and tunic sets from the Liza Minelli Home Shopping Club hanging in the closet. They are collectors items, worth millions when Liza dies. However, they have no tags, are a size 4X, and have sweat stains around the arm pit areas………

I’m Michael Musto’s “ironic” artwork.

(And the dust.)

I’m the wallpaper border that hides the messy edges of the sponge painted walls.

I’m curling, but spit and sometimes Elmer’s glue fix me up like new.

I'm all the clocks.

I am the electric carving knife that comes out once a year for Turkey day just like mom used to have.

I am the hideous Jonathan Adler vases. I was considered edgy in 1998 but I am really just kitsch. For some reason, there are still Johnathan Adler stores in NYC.

We’re the Memphis candlesticks with matching tea service hidden with Fornasetti plates in the high kitchen cabinet.

We’ve lost many comrades - first to the Great Leaded Fiestaware scare and then to a manic Kondo purge.

I welcome in all refugee Memphis pieces - especially Michele De Lucchi KRISTALL Side tables looking for a loving home.

I'm this in the garage... that I'm too fat to fit into.

I'm the Lainie Kazan shrine in what used to be the spare bedroom.

I'm the laserdiscs of CRUISING and LUST IN THE DUST. I have nowhere to be played but Hisstopher can't bear to throw me away.

I’m the beautiful old pottery collection inherited from Great Aunt Hilda...I’m actually pretty valuble

I’m the collection of 12” disco singles from the Mark V Ronkonkoma NY

I'm Great Aunt Hilda's wigs from the Eva Gabor collection, purchased in the 1970s. I am used every Halloween when her grand nephew Hisstopher dresses up as Carol Channing.

Well, I NEVER, R225, you are an imposter . Aunt Hilda styled herself like a Ronnette with a mile high black beehive, and greaser girl tough black eye makeup. A “Sharks” girl

I'm the 12" mix of Laura Branigan's Spanish Eddie. I'll get that victrola fixed one day.

I'm Joel's green speedo. He won't notice I'm missing.

R217 Somehow this stung more because I have not one but two Jonathan Adler vases that I purchased in 2017 and nobody told me they'd been played out for decades.

I'm the treasured Thomas Kinkade masterpiece hanging in the bathroom.

I am sorry R229 I did to mean to be so bitchy. It’s just that a friend is ALL Jonathan Adler and the vases with the faces drive me crazy.

R231 Oh that's okay, and I do like the vases!

...and I should clarify, mine don't have faces on them, just a pattern.

[quote]I'm the treasured Thomas Kinkade masterpiece hanging in the bathroom.

Meth Lab In the Woods is my personal favorite.

[quote] ^Is that Vincent Price?

Or a man who lived in Dorchester?

But "Cow Abducted By UFO" is a close second.

I'm the complete collection of Fabreze Air Freshners. Including the nearly impossible to find lilac. My favorite is the fig&plum.

I am the matches strategically placed in every room to mask flatulence.

I'm the entire collection of Woman's Day Encyclopedia Of Cookery still sitting on the bookshelf of cookbooks in the kitchen with zillions of antiquated recipes like Jello Mold With Lima Beans.

I don't cook R239 - but I'd love a set as well. I recently tracked down the Young Peoples Science Encyclopedia set I has as a kid.

I'm the Tucks pads and generic Preparation H that live on the bathroom counter, but get stowed away when company's comin'.

I am the multi pair of cheap plastic Crocks in the hallways. I just love how I dont have to wear socks with these things, so stylish and popular only a decade ago.

R222 just nailed me -and not in the good way... I still have a collection of laserdiscs and a player. Some of those discs had special features that were not included on DVD or Blu-Ray. One of these days I mean to off-load them into some digital format, so I can then dispose of the old tech. But I doubt it'll ever happen.

I'm the 15 year old tube of KY Jelly

I am the jar of Elbow Greases CIRCA 1980. I am probably still good, unlike my brother Crisco.

I’m Miss Sissy Boodles’s trail of cat litter strewn like little ball bearings on the laminate wood flooring.

I am the plates I put on the floor after eating so the dog can lick it clean. My owner just stacks me up and puts be back into the cabinet without washing. They say a dog's mouth is clean than a humans. So why bother?

I am the dog hair piling up under the bed.

Dog hair? Pifff! I am the pie of pubes behind the headboard.

I’m the prayer for death prayed at least three times a day, every day……except when my shows are on.

I'm the Franklin Mint Egg Collection.

Oh crap,r242, I was telling a friend before I got on here that my late bf would be rolling in his grave knowing I had a pair of Crocks. It's my Mother. she sees them on sale and buys them for me.

[quote]It's my Mother. she sees them on sale and buys them for me.

She's only guilty of atrocious taste. You are guilty of harboring the fugitive shoes. Chuck them. Immediately.

If she asks say, "Huh? I don't remember that."

No gay men would be caught dead wearing Crocks unless they want to like by Mario Batali.

Does your mom buy you Garanimals too?

I am the push button wall phone in the kitchen......I only ring with sales calls and wrong numbers.

I am the wide wale corduroy "husband" with the outside pockets the exact size for holding the TV Guide and a few back issues. I'm burnt orange in color and haven't been washed in 45 years.

Do you know what my postal delivery person told me? She said that I am the only one on her two routes who subscribes to the TV Guide? I don't know how everyone else has any idea what's on the tube, or anything about the fall premiere season and the crazy schedule changes!

I'm the Magnum condoms that have crumbled to dust.

I'm the collection of fanny packs and murses.

Ouch! I have some Old Navy croc knock-offs I wear for “inside shoes.”

I'm the mound of yellow toe nail clippings behind to toilet.

I'm the clogged shower drain.

I’m a choo choo Charlie and a class act

We’re the Tums. There’s always a roll or package of Tums on a shelf somewhere. And a backup in the bathroom drawer.

I’m the compression socks in assorted colors.

ABBA pouring out the walls

I’m the fiber gummies and the CBD gummies in a candy dish.

R266, don't forget, the fiber and CBD gummies might also be in this. Or it might contain Miss Sissy Boodles' treats (Trader Joe's brand). Open the lid if you dare, and find out!

R266 Either way, it's going to be a fun evening!

I’m the Statue of David.

I’m the tasteful male nudes, sedately framed, on the bedroom walls.

I'm the chloroform

I’m the mirrors that shatter the delusion of youth.

I have been read for filth in this thread. I have a Noguchi lamp, two Jonathan Adler vases, and at least three JA containers that say "Dolls" or "Ganja" or whatnot. I have very specifically set out to decorate my house so I would not look like an old-timer, but here we are.

I guess, thank you DL, for getting me to throw out my random-ass Jonathan Adler / John Derian shit.

I mean, I thought people would be mocked for having Lladro or Hummel crap in this thread, but no, we're being smacked down for having collectables from the 2000s.

R273 Evidently, you have terrible taste. MARY!

But do please keep the Fiesta and those delightful commemorative glasses from the re-release of Disney's "The Aristocats." It took you years of antique barn visits to assemble your set.

R174 I mean I don't have anything like that -- it's a whole different aesthetic.

I have nothing on this list so far. But then I have no interest in kitsch or antiques. I embrace minimalism, it's a more timeless look. And that does NOT mean Mid-Century Modern. Looking at you Palm Springs queens.

I’m Mother’s dress form, on which hangs a seasonally rotated collection of her best beloved shirtwaists dresses. Like the nuns changing the vesture of the Infant of Prague to match the liturgical seasons.

I'm the rescue squirrel

[quote] Like the nuns changing the vesture of the Infant of Prague to match the liturgical seasons.

Or Jame Gumb making his suit.

I'm the clown face paint and crawl space.

Jonathan Adler, r267?

[quote] I mean, I thought people would be mocked for having Lladro or Hummel crap in this thread, but no, we're being smacked down for having collectables from the 2000s.

Hummel is more of an elder frau thing.

Noguchi lamp? That's definitely a 20th century thing, not from the 2000s.

The Joseph Adler stuff? I am not sure. Not my taste, but maybe it is a Boomer or Gen X thing.

R282 What about John Derian?

R283 Or that awful Michael Graves tea kettle that so many middle class fraus still have?

I don't have that tea kettle but I do have this Alessi one and if you want to talk shit about it, I will challenge you to a duel, sir.

R285 You spent over $200 on a device to boil water. You're already dead between the ears.

R286 Excuse me, but that little fucking bird whistles when the water is boiling. Do you not see the value in that? It's priceless!

Another Graves / Alessi tea kettle owner here - it was the first nice thing I bought for my first solo apartment in 94 and I don’t give a shit if it looks dated, it still looks good to me and that’s all that matters.

Alessi products are timeless Italian design, it never goes out of style. Unlike that vintage Fiesta shit.

The gays have too much money.

I'm every Rae Dunn canister, plate, mug, or other piece of brickabrack, knickaknack they ever made.

R276- Another words- Your home looks like an Art 🖼 Gallery.

I don’t care for that look. A home should look like a home not an art gallery.

r276's place:

We got my grandmother that Italian bird tea kettle for Christmas 30 years ago. She loved it.

[quote][R276]- Another words- Your home looks like an Art 🖼 Gallery. I don’t care for that look. A home should look like a home not an art gallery.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you 1990's idea of minimalism being like a museums is just as dated as your taste. I never said my place was pure white with no furniture like you imagine. Your schocky Frau inspired decor is your opinion of what a home should look like. Thank god the definition of a home has nothing to do with your flowery wall paper, Nagel prints, Fiesta dinnerware, and over played cli·ché Mid-Center aesthetic.

r292 rather gives himself away from the start: 'Another words...'

[quote]The gays have too much money.

Not nearly enough, if Fiestaware is the great prize of so many gays.

I'm the matching waffle pattern towels and shower curtain.

R40- I LOVE my full size desktop Hewlett Packard computer.

Why do you gays love to trash Fiesta? What’s so wrong with it?

It’s a lot more timeless than your chintzy patterned china, and sturdy enough to handle any kind of treatment.

I love Fiestaware, too, r300.

I think Fiestaware looks cheap. Like something you’d see at Walmart.

But if you like it, enjoy it. Who cares what some cunt thinks about it? They don’t have to eat off it

I have a teapot. It's silver. I have no idea what the brand is or where the fuck I even bought it.

Chirst, what a bunch of nelly prisspots some of you are.

Fiestaware can also go from oven to table to dishwasher without much care. It's on the heavy side but it'll take a beating and still come out ready to be used again--much like the typical DLer.

If you hate the popping colors you can get white or foundry, or the recently retired ivory or slate.

A stack of 500 or 1000 paper plates is even less work and provides the lonely elder with a challenge — to keep on living long enough to reach the bottom and not waste any money.

R305 Paper plates? You're contributing to landfill waste, which is where your kind belongs, you TRASH WHORE!

Either wash a dish like a normal person, or get some of those cute melamine plates. We got a bunch for my grandma after she drunkenly fell into the china hutch one time too many.

[quote]Paper plates? You're contributing to landfill waste,

FFS it goes to Staten Island. Who gives a shit?

[quote]Either wash a dish like a normal person, or get some of those cute melamine plates.

r306, you don't have to wash melamine plates?

r42 Good lord that is one judgmental looking women. I can sense her looking at my wallpaper through the screen and finding it wanting in taste.

Girls, girls you’re forgetting the best of both worlds!

R285, I had that same Alessi tea kettle in the 90s. Iconic.

I loved it.

[quote] Why do you gays love to trash Fiesta? What’s so wrong with it?

I prefer to serve food on white porcelain bistro plates.

Food always looks better on a white plate.

I’m mom’s 12 foot long dinner buffet that dwarfs any room where I’m placed.

[quote]Food always looks better on a white plate.

I've always found white plates boring. I had a set of plain Apilco from Williams-Sonoma, but I always found myself using my turquoise Fiestaware, whether I was eating alone or had company. Food colors (red, brown, green) go nicely with turquoise.

I am currently using a complete set of vintage 1970s white Corelle dinnerware in excellent condition that I had carefully packed away years ago and forgotten about.

I’m the Majolica Asparagus plate the owner uses to clean his weed. The bumps help break up the flowers. No, it’s sinsemilla, Dear.

I'm the 401B

The 'B' is for Beanie Babies. They will be worth MILLIONS.

R312 thinks he's the Barefoot Contessa, she's been saying that for decades. The difference is she's a famous cook who knows how to plate food.

[quote] [R312] thinks he's the Barefoot Contessa, she's been saying that for decades. The difference is she's a famous cook who knows how to plate food.

No, R318, I do not think that I am the Barefoot Contessa.

Thank you for pointing out that Ina Garten is famous. Where would we be without your guidance?

Am I not supposed to give my opinion if it coincides with the opinion of someone who is famous?

What a dipshit you are.

And I know how to plate food at least as well as Ina Garten. I've been charging people to cook and plate their food for many years.

Thanks for coming!

[quote]I am currently using a complete set of vintage 1970s white Corelle dinnerware in excellent condition that I had carefully packed away years ago

Fucking hell,welldone. Onlythe saddest of Eldergays could try to turn 1970s Corelle dinnerware into some sort of museum treasure. Was it Mother's?

'Carefully packed',' fucking why? That insipid shit can be dropped from the high floor of a tall building and bounce back like a rubber ball, unscathed. Pity. It's horrible and if there were any justice it would break into bits from the first bad look.

I am also mystified by the hate for Fiesta. But it’s a family tradition for me. It took DL to make me fear it as the Nagel of the dining room.

Until we got to the Tums, I couldn't relate to much in this thread. But Pepto-Bismol is my stomach soother of choice and I've got plenty, yes, in my nightstand.

Bath and Body Works is my eldergay weakness. When that stuff goes on sale it's dirt cheap and I can't resist. I bet I have 50 bottles of shower gel (at my size I do go through one a week), 20 bottles of lotion, 50 hand soaps and a handful of mists. All tucked away behind the shower curtain of an unused bathtub. And the candles!

Whoever says “another words” rather than “in other words” should be publicly executed.

Bless your heart, R320.

[quote] I'm the complete collection of Fabreze Air Freshners. Including the nearly impossible to find lilac.

I like the lilac scent, too.

It’s unfortunate that everything is now lavender.

Lilac reminds me of my mother who, in the summer, would sometimes have a large vase in the house filled with lilacs.

It’s a lovely fragrance.

I sometimes purchase lilac room freshener from Amazon.

One can also make it and then use it to spritz on one’s bedsheets.

I'm Swiffer.

I’m the boombox on top of the toilet tank.

I'm the Zune.

Corelle makes me feel like I’m eating off children’s dishes.

I am the rectangles on the walls where mirrors once hung.

3 hours of LOTP a day!

LHOTP, fool!

Hello, LHOTP! I am MeTV, playing all day on low volume to dispel the silence. Why would anyone pay for overpriced garbage like Hulu, Netflix, Amazon Prime, etc, when you can get the good stuff for free? It's not the money, of course; it's not a belt-tightening measure, not at all. It's the principle of the thing.

I'm the faux-Moroccan pouf, gathering dust under the parlor window. Terry tells people he bought me in Fes, but it was actually an antique mall in Fresno. He stuffs me full of old Halloween costumes and stolen hospital blankets, so I'm as lumpy as he is. He thinks I'm made of dyed cow leather, but I'm probably actually made from cats, which explains why Terry's shit-reeking Abyssinian keeps clawing me.

I'm the old, saved college thesis. Barbra Streisand vs. Eydie Gormé.

R302- I’m a Corelle dishware fan.

What do you say is that?

R331= Shirley the waitress on What's Happening !!

Shirley was also the restaurant owner.

I am the wall mounted land line phone in the kitchen. You never know when you need a land line. Especially in the kitchen.

R339, I used to be a canary yellow Princess model, but then Furballisima accidentally got strangled when I strung the cord all around the house whilst talking to Roland about Patti LuPone’s Tony Awards performance of “Everything’s Coming Up Roses”, and I was replaced by a retro pay phone style reproduction courtesy of Hammacher Schlemmer.

I'm the dismissive cruelty and ageist homophobia that encircles the house, which is well-maintained with an owner who has never caused anyone any grief.

My bullying attitude is general, both from hets and gays.

You queens are slipping. No one mentioned track lighting.

(On grey carpet)

As a borderline eldergay I find most of these affectionate and/or hilarious.

(most.)

I'm the spare bedroom dedicated to Hummel figurines.

Lots of dust mold pubic hair and filth.

I’m the toilet seat riser.

The track lighting with the fuzzy, stick crud of permadust, R342?

'Oh, how we all smoked those Marlboro Lights back then!'

R345, But, apparently no commas.

I'm the shower chair.

I’m the non-skid rugs.

You are a borderline eldergay, R344? Did you just turn 32?

I am the organic Lufa sponge in the shower full of dead skin cells and bacteria. I never get washed out or replaced because Gramps thinks he bought it just yesterday. Going on 3 years now.

I’m an accordion folder full of Simplicity patterns from the 1970s. Close by are a bunch of ballpoint sewing pins stored in a repurposed Crixivan bottle.

I’m the Sock Aid that enables me to dress myself.

I got a crock pot filled to the brim with water, leftover vegetables, no salt and the cheapest meat I can find. My 2 guest who are coming over for dinner are going to love this! Firing up an oven is just too expensive Dear, and no one can tolerate salt or spicy food at this age. Eat all you want, let me get you more.

I’m the Jeff Stryker dildo, just visible at the back of the glass display case behind a LaserDisc of Madonna’s “Blonde Ambition” World Tour and the pack of Benson and Hedges smoked on the night the owner lost his virginity.

R320- I ❤️ my Corelle dishware.

R339- I still have my landline phone and I still watch tv 📺 on my Sony Wega 20 inch tube tv in 2000- if that wasn’t bad enough I still have a VCR.

I am the potholders I made for my mom in my summer of 1962 Arts and Crafts class.

2000 is the year I bought the tv.

I’m the Gateway 42” plasma TV that weighs 50 lbs.

I'm the funeral home brochures.

R358, Sony TV's are always more expensive, but seem to last forever. When your boob tube goes, I highly recommend a Sony OLED. Picture quality blows away LED. Similar to LG (screens come from same factory), but their remote, user interface and computer chip that processes the video is much better.

I'm old Lean Cuisines, walled in by frost in the back of the freezer. A bag of Birdseye green beans keeps them company.

In the front, fresh and frostless, stand two pints of Haagen-Dazs (Butter Pecan and Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough) and 3 bags of Trader Joe's Kung Pao Chicken.

I’m accent wall painted Mamie Pink. Mother loved pink and had low hangers similar to the First Lady.

I am those padded things at the bottom of the door to keep all the hot air from escaping the room. I am too cheap to heat the whole house.

I’m the ancient mattress. The last cumstain that shows up under blue light was made two decades ago.

I am the CPAP mask I got a decade ago when it was a fad to stop snoring. Haven't touched me is years, just colecting dust as I have to listen to him snoring his ass off.

I am a few choice pieces of Roseville pottery, dusty on the top of the kitchen cabinet.

I'm all that's left of the collection acquired decades ago, piece by piece, at great cost. But that was when my owner was flush with money and suitors, and the Creative Director position seemed within striking distance.

I'm the ancient copies of Blueboy and Honcho, stored in one of Mother's old hatboxes.

I'm The Lord Won't Mind.

I'm the bookmarked DL threads :

Young George Hamilton Was Beautiful

Eric Carmen on American Bandstand in 1976

Would you have fucked Dwight Eisenhower?

1960's Crooners

Hal Holbrook

So what part of Miami is that in “The Golden Girls” opening credits?

I don't think the other members of the What's My Line panel liked Dorothy Kilgallen, Part 4

I'm two large "good quality" clear plastic lidded containers filled with costume jewels collected between the age of 10 and 60. This is actually the winnowed down collection.

I'm the artificial Christmas tree. Still laying at the bottom of the cellar stairs. Pre-lit.

I am the vintage 50's furniture I think is so cool but have no clue it's more cliché than my obsession with Annette Funicello.

I’m the many, many thoughts of regret for choosing a homosexual lifestyle that has now left me alone in my twilight years. I have no spouse, children, or grandchildren to take care of me. Instead, I have anal leakage, Connie Francis albums, and the shame of my Christian friends to keep me company.

[quote] I have anal leakage, Connie Francis albums, and the shame of my Christian friends to keep me company.

But let’s just say you could only choose one of those things …

You need better Christian friends R376.

375, That's getting personal, Lion!

I am the 9768 Eldergays on DL who keep this thread going ….slowly but steadily.

Pineapple Princess/R379,

Amusing reference!

“And put your hands up, you lopsided bag of hay!”

Did somebody call me?

[quote]I’m the drugstore reading glasses, one pair in every room.

Fuck. Guilty on this charge R3

[quote]We are the hundreds of antiques littered throughout the space bordering on being a hoarder. Less is more or minimalism is a concept we do not understand.

I understand the concept R10, I just do not give a single flying fuck about it and do not care for it. More is more motherfuckers!

[quote] --- No one uses fancy floral place settings at home anymore unless said home is Downton Abbey.

[quote]No one? Your world might be a touch small.

R24/ Greg is right on this. We got Royal Doulton and such at home and we use it. I have a very floral set and I love it unironically

[quote]Sorry. No one with any taste or good breeding uses fancy floral china anymore.

See my field of fucks R26 for it is barren

[quote]I'm the chintz sofa that smells of spilled gin, cigarette smoke and cat piss.

R44 I actually really like that sofa.... minus the smells of gin, smoke and cat piss. The last is impossible to get rid of, a lesson I learnt buying a similar sofa online used only to find it'd been sprayed on

[quote]I'm the "Dress Up David" refrigerator magnet set — Michelangelo's David, along with accessories like tank top, shorts, etc. My magnets still work but I am very, very faded.

R92 Guilty as charged!

[quote]I am the 32" waist jeans folded and stacked on a shelf in the back of the closet. My owner will be able to fit back into them "someday."

Nope. I can easily fit 30 in with room to spare, can squeeze into 28 if they're stretch. Yeah, I watch my figure

[quote]As a borderline eldergay I find most of these affectionate and/or hilarious.

Yeah, me too R322, although only a few apply to me

[quote]I'm the spare bedroom dedicated to Hummel figurines.

I could be tempted by a Hummel figurine of a death metal guitarist, but I have scoured their catalogue and cannot find one for the life of me

TMI V8fairy. TLDR

I am the capsule history of fad diets of the 80s-2000s, as shown by the books on the shelf. Youth and cocaine made diets unnecessary before then, and resignation and realism mean they've been untouched for the last decade. "The Beverly Hills Diet," anyone? "Dr Atkins' New Diet Revolution"? "The Zone"?

The books really should be donated, but one of these days the Eldergay is gonna get his shit together and slim down. But right now, there's a Dynasty marathon on and that calls for DiGiorno.

I'm the Wizard of Oz porcelain figurine collection (and collectible cabinet) from Franklin Mint.

R386 what is sad is I have that very thing

I'm the six vintage wrist watches from eBay.

[quote]r386, what is sad is I have that very thing

R387 has no idea how very sad.

[quote] I’m the collection of vintage Playgirls carefully stored in the hall closet.

They still come in handy when I want to rub one out and want some classic vintage man dick or hot DILF with a hairy chest and a nice bush.

I can only jerk off to videos, pictures do nothing for me.

I’m the opposite R391 - I never watch porn but look at dirty, usually vintage, pictures all the time.

“Vintage Man Dick?”

Is there a kind of dick that’s not attached to a man?

Bobbitt dick

I the vast, rarely used collection of the dish queen.

I am various bottles of high-end booze, imported brands of liquid soap packaged in gorgeous dispensers, and pump bottles of expensive lotion. I am refilled with bargain brands.

I'm the little corn on the cob forks.

I’m the fear of any semi attractive young men- gay or straight- when they get within a two block radius of “that old queen’s house”

I'm all the cluttered city apartments of Eldergays where the battle against grime has been lost.

I’m the Belgian lace antimacassars.

Made by the hands of blind nuns, R400?

I am a thimble collection

I see your thimbles and raise you an egg cup collection.

I’m the cockring collection from global Pride events.

I am the old Hollywood memorabilia of studio era stars who are barely remembered, if they are known at all, by the young gays.

Judy Garland's last MGM movie turns 75 next year!

But it looks like it’s only 40 R405

Does anyone else remember Dyan Cannon singing a nominated song from “A Touch of Class” at the 1974 Academy Awards and the audio went out?

We are the Twinks that show up for a party to suck up the free top shelf alcohol even we want nothing more than to get out of there and think the host is a disgusting old smelly troll.

I'm the spirograph.

I'm the abacus

I’m the 12 seater jacuzzi

I'm all the material for elaborate cocktail scenarios. But there are never any cocktail parties and most old friends don't drink much if at all. Silver mint julep cups for lazy hot afternoons on the veranda (there is no veranda). Baccarat port glasses, Tiffany Pastel Favrile, tiki ceramic mugs, champagne flutes, coupes AND trumpets, multiple sets of midcentury barware, Orrefors and supermarket Bormioli, Duralex picardie, etc.

I’m my house because my husband just made me watch a 30 minute ‘Best of’ compilation of Dame Edna Everidge clips to honor the one year anniversary of her passing.

We competed to recognize the other celebs that were with her on the talk shows hosted by Parkinson, Joan Rivers etc. I called out Jane Seymour first so I think I won?

Has it been a year already, our R413? Now I really feel like an eldergay. Life just zips by when you get older.

Unlike my actual zipper...which hasn't seen action for awhile now.

The one the back side of your Daisy Dukes, R415 ?

I’m the clear vinyl carpet runners throughout the house. Mitzi and Miss Sissy Boodle both tend to piddle in their advanced age.

I'm the unused bike in the garage.

[quote] I’m the cockring collection from global Pride events.

And my butt plug collection from off the beaten path third world countries.

I'm the aged cookbook collection chosen for amusing or attractive make chefs on PBS cooking programs across the decades: The Galloping Gourmet, The Frugal Gourmet (Whatever happened to that Jeff what's-his-name's cute assistant Craig?). My pages are more yellowed from a former nicotine habit than from cooking splatters.

I am the unused pair of 25 lbs dumbbells on the basement.

I'm the 175 lb. dumbbell in the master bedroom hoping the check doesn't bounce.

I am the checkbook that my owner insists is still a good idea to take to the market.

I'm am the ledger form checkbook of R423. Mother taught me the value of recording all the details, accurately and in good penmanship, on the check stub.

I keep the ledger kicked in the Accounts drawer of my desk. Well, Mother's desk, actually.

I'm the change purse.

[quote]Mother taught me the value of recording all the details, accurately and in good penmanship, on the check stub.

In cursive, of course. Mother insisted on cursive, as she thought printing was so very common.

I'm the calligraphy pens. Unopened. I never learned.