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My Rescue Cats Are Killing Me

I took possession of two rescue cats a fortnight ago. They have clawed at my expensive European wallpaper and destroyed my fine furniture. They eat and poop constantly, I keep at least two litter boxes in each room but they do not use them. They have peed on everything. They fling their feces at the ceiling. It’s on all my beautiful vintage light fixtures. Whenever I leave the house they both immediately vomit on my pillow. When I am home they make that hairball coughing sound and look at each other and smile. They steal money, credit cards, jewelry and drugs. They are constantly having lesbian cat sex, scissoring on my bar cart (I think they like the mirrored surface). There are puddles of God-knows-what everywhere. It breaks my heart to see the destruction they have caused in my home. It's not fair to them or to me to continue living like this. Whatever shall I do?

by Anonymousreply 28February 22, 2024 11:31 PM

OP, are they rescue cats?

by Anonymousreply 1February 11, 2024 7:06 PM

Cats represent a global pest problem. In order to marshal the public and political enthusiasm needed to deal with the cat problem, we need to change our romantic, fantasy driven, humanizing relationship with cats and replace it with scientifically based knowledge.

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by Anonymousreply 2February 11, 2024 7:08 PM

OP, a former frenemy found that giving oral stimulation to their nether regions - yea though your licking front to back - calmed their rescues.

You could teat this out with your tongue and cling film.

by Anonymousreply 3February 11, 2024 7:27 PM

I tried that no no avail. They claw my head and rip my face and damage my toupee.

by Anonymousreply 4February 11, 2024 7:39 PM

A cat Killed a reclusive , elderly man living in remote Alaske. He contracted alaska pox ( similar to smallpox and monkey pox) they th8nk from the cats claws. However the cat tested negative. The old recluse died.

by Anonymousreply 5February 11, 2024 7:55 PM

It's impossible to re-home them or surrender them to an animal shelter, as every Datalounger knows, so I feel your pain.

by Anonymousreply 6February 11, 2024 7:58 PM

Have you thought about getting a pair of rescue gerbils as friends for your cats?

They will help calm the cats down, or be ripped apart. I forget.

by Anonymousreply 7February 11, 2024 8:06 PM

I am confident that my rescue cats will be well behaved.

They will love me and treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street.

by Anonymousreply 8February 12, 2024 2:03 PM

Did you pick them up at a rest stop?

by Anonymousreply 9February 12, 2024 3:22 PM

You sound like a troll to me- first thing you do is trim their claws bozo.

At the very least, people like you should not have animal- if you are for real.

by Anonymousreply 10February 12, 2024 3:26 PM

I’m guessing a parody post-

by Anonymousreply 11February 12, 2024 3:27 PM

[quote] Did you pick them up at a rest stop?

No, I did not.

by Anonymousreply 12February 12, 2024 3:30 PM

Your house staff should really be dealing with these issues. Since you don't mention any, one must assume you are a poor and therefore worthless.

by Anonymousreply 13February 12, 2024 6:21 PM

There is little question that the OP does not have house staff.

But who knows?

by Anonymousreply 14February 12, 2024 6:24 PM

R13 Oh, Greg, I can't keep help. When I leave they attack. Two people are suing me now.

My cook of several years quit because they love to jump up on the stove and set their farts on fire.

My manservant left when they started putting Werther's into their vaginas and then firing them at him.

by Anonymousreply 15February 12, 2024 9:46 PM

Maybe a rescue pitbull can solve this problem.

by Anonymousreply 16February 12, 2024 11:25 PM

Or a good psychotherapist.

by Anonymousreply 17February 13, 2024 3:28 AM

Cats hate their shit. How are they flinging it up to the ceiling?

by Anonymousreply 18February 13, 2024 12:30 PM

^ I think that is challenging for a cat.

by Anonymousreply 19February 13, 2024 1:29 PM

If the cats refuse to use the litter box you need to take them to the vet as there is something likely going on with their health. Even a feral cat will choose a littler box if one is made available to it. I have had cats all my 70 years of life and I have never had to train a cat use the litter box. Once I put them in it as a kitten they instinctively knew that was the best place for them to relieve themselves. Healthy cats always want to cover up their dropping. Unhealthy cats will just relieve themselves anywhere, or they'll go behind something like a piece of furniture to do it.

How many scratching pads or posts do you have in the house? You need one in every room. And are you clipping their nails regularly? If you keep their nails clipped they won't scratch nearly as much. Go online and buy some heavy duty furniture covers to keep them from destroying your furniture.

But sad to say, if you can't get them to the point of using the litter box, or stop destroying your house you'd be better off trying to find a cat rescue somewhere to turn them over to.

by Anonymousreply 20February 13, 2024 1:38 PM

R20, I’m afraid that you are (generously and thoughtfully) responding to a parody post.

The OP created a post that is a parody as a response to my sharing that my husband and I are adopting two bonded kittens.

We will take delivery of them in just over two weeks time.

by Anonymousreply 21February 13, 2024 11:40 PM

R20 I have scratching posts in each room. My furniture is destroyed. They've just ripped everything up and shat on it. I'm thinking of buying metal furniture.

I have placed litter boxes everywhere. I thought that if I demonstrated how they are used, the kitties would model my behavior, but I am the only one using them. I'm hoping they will catch on soon.

How I wish I had never taken delivery of these rescue beasts!

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by Anonymousreply 22February 14, 2024 2:26 PM

Thoughts and prayers, R22.

😾

by Anonymousreply 23February 14, 2024 4:24 PM

There have been rare instances where a cat has attacked a person, resulting in serious injury or even death, but it is not common for a domestic cat to kill a person. It is important for cat owners to carefully supervise their pets, especially if they have a history of aggression or violent behavior.

by Anonymousreply 24February 16, 2024 1:00 AM

These two are constantly clawing at my ankles. My everyday caftans are shredded.

by Anonymousreply 25February 19, 2024 4:16 PM

Donate them to your local Chinese restaurant. Use the back entrance.

by Anonymousreply 26February 19, 2024 5:04 PM

I follow lots of cat pages online, love me some kitties. The fact that Asians and Brits seem to forego spay and neutering their cats has not escaped me. Honestly, it makes me crazy. Then these same people complain about poor behavior.

by Anonymousreply 27February 21, 2024 5:47 AM

R27 Will they be scissoring on the barcart and screaming less if I have them spayed?

by Anonymousreply 28February 22, 2024 11:31 PM
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