Introducing DNN - Datalounge News Network

DTM, anchor of DNN.

Primetime - Anderson and David Muir

Miss Donna Lemon finally finds her real home.

Andy Cohen wants a show in this vile pit of trollery.

The Log Cabin Republican Hour - hosted by Aaron Schock, coming to you live from Coachella

I'm telling you bitches NOW so I don't have to tell you later: I'M doing the daily "Men Presenting..." segment.

And now we go to DNN Chief Meteorologist Justin Mosley ...

Do you have a space for a heterosexual man to discuss current events and human interest stories about fucking bitches?

After 11 pm, listen to the dispatches of our legendary Culture Critic, Miss Helen Lawson

Joining Chief Meteorologist Justin Mosley is DNN Weather Twink Payton Malone.

Weatherman - Erick Adame

We need to get Thomas Roberts involved

And now here’s our parenting reporter, Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO, bringing you an eye-opening segment on a surprising new trend in handling tantrums.

YES. Thomas Roberts is one of my favorite hunk of all time.

[quote] Andy Cohen wants a show in this vile pit of trollery.

WonkyEyewitness News

Bring Sue Simmons back from retirement.

Brit weatherman Thomas Schafernaker is interested.

Our 'Diet and Lifestyle' correspondent!

Jeanne Moos with The Lighter Side of Lesbianism.

Bringing you bearking DEAD to me updates every day.

Could some of these weathermen learn to do sports?

Let’s be the 3 topics on constant loop like CNN. Let’s also add lifestyle shows because that’s so appropriate for a news network.

With our nightly cooking segment, “Attention Fat Whores”.

Our sports correspondent will assume you already know the scores of the games (if you care) and will devote his time to analyzing quarterbacks' asses with a lot of Xs and Os.

“Point, Counterpoint” with G and M.

"Your Money", weekly financial advice segments by self-made billionaire George Santos

who is also our Zoroastrian Meditation Correspondent!

George Santos and his JACKETS! 🧥

Aaron Rodgers will double as our sports guy AND our resident vaccine expert!

Shep Smith can host our morning show

“Coffees and Caftans” - basically The View with four bickering queens.

We’ll be right back after this message from our sponsor.

Will my $1.99 subscription to DL include the Datalougne News Network, or is Muriel going to want another $1.99 a month.

Sandi kane will be the artist in residence.

Advertisers will be flocking to the network.

Ka-Ching!

I have a commercial ready to go.

Tommy DiDario can head the daily health and fitness hour at noon each day.

Legendary lesbian Miami anchor Ann Bishop will be your ain’t anchor, with a rotating panel of nelly co-anchors. She will keep them in line.

Cooking segments by our in-house gourmet, Fanny Craddock.

Judicial correspondent Gregory Locke obviously.

“The Golden Gabfest” - The most important show on the network, devoted to endlessly reliving every single GG episode, analysing trivia, and rehashing the funniest lines.

Who will be the first anchor to pull a Christine Chubbuck?

This is run in the middle of the night…

Gus Kenworthy and Adam Rippon for Olympics Correspondents

Really R43 what are we chopped liver.

R42 At least one of those caftans will be hung on a wire hanger, giving the drag queen presenter something to work with.

R43, can we add Carl Lewis to the lineup?

I'll be the occasional psychic that appears.

A revamped version of Crossfire, featuring Cory Booker and Lindsey Graham

Advertisement: Bobbins By Bruce

*foggy baritone voice*.

“Hi, This is Bruce and I have bobbins for you. Provide your address and I’ll send you a variety of bobbins.”

Sponsored by MyPillowBiter

Nicolas Fairford will host a daily lifestyle program.

River will host a late-night talk show.

Somehow I think Alicia Menendez will end up on this station.

No R20, there won’t be any fucking bearking on the channel.

“And now our Darfur correspondent will once again be interviewing orphans.”

“News DLN Will Not Report”

This will be a quick list of important daily headlines involving unfortunate looking people, unpleasant odors, and nasty behaviors that gives one a case of the bad nerves.

Mrs. Patsy Ramsey will host a special segment on childcare

And today, the ultimate holiday gift guide: hostess pants or toasters?

The Underwhelmed Programme will air from midnight to 6:00 a.m.

A lone microphone stand in front of green screen with on-air talent, crew, support staff, interns and random people off the street intermittently wandering in and making underwhelming statements and then meandering away.

R57, she’s also the parenting reporter. See R13.

Can't wait for Dee Plorable's coverage of the Republican primaries!

A moment of silence please for former anchor man Chris Burrous, who died in the Glendale Days Inn with a male companion from Grindr from inserting crystal meth in his anus

The MARY! Hour, devoted to candid footage of the queenliest moments today.

Richard Quest covers the aviation and asphyxiation industries.

Can we have a panel of gay weatherman discussing the seasonal attire of passerby in cities around the world?

Outside media will be confounded by the prominence of Vivian Vance in all DNN polling results, regardless of the question posed.

One segment that is very popular is the MUGSHOT OR FUGSHOT with viewers calling in to rate the photos.

And the live interviews with the gay for pay guys - I Love Loosely.

Bonnie Franklin’s half hour exercise show “I Hate to Workout, But I Love to Prance.”

Tonight: should grease fires replace lethal injections?

The Datalounge Detective Agency True Crime Hour - hosted by Thomas Roberts

Muriel has invested heavily in re-animation technology so that Larry King can be resurrected for the 10pm EST talk show slot.

I Have Sufficient: Listing news stories we’re fed up of hearing about.

We’re telling you NOW so we don’t have to tell you again LATER!

You know, not everyone who comes here is a fag.

Just saying.

Oh, Dear! Today’s most unfortunate typos.

"Straight" Men that DL Knows Are Gay!

Thursday nights at 9PM EST, hosted by Taylor Lautner and Taron Egerton

“Tasteful Friends“ at 4 PM, followed by “Pornwhores Remembered”.

Sam Brinton, Travel Corespondent, and occasional host of a fashion show.

Can we get a reboot of To Tell the Truth with George Santos as host?

The queens from the Princess Diana Scream video will share regular updates on the BRF.

Sunday mornings at 11 a.m.: The McBachmann Group, astute political analysis by Marcus "Ladybird" Bachmann and assorted guests!

Followed by "Meet the Priss."

[quote] Followed by "Meet the Priss."

And for our water sports fans it’s “Meet the Piss”.

Miss Bea Benaderet has agreed to do a weekly segment on tips for entertaining at home.

We have our inaugural “Coffees and Caftans” panel:

Barney Frank

Dan Levy

Colman Domingo

George Santos

Live coverage of Senate confirmation hearings by Aidan Maese-Czeropski and an international panel of Jagersauce experts.

I’m oar reed carpit coreaspondent and fason critik Brendad Ickson!!!!!!!

Gelson’s!

At the end of the nightly news we can have a (very) brief segment where we cut live to Susan Dey for comment.

And it’s a cardboard cutout, because she never says anything

There is no coverage on DNN of the new Dan Levy grief movie beyond showing one trailer at 2AM while everyone HISSES.

Any mention of Dan Levy on DNN will be RESTRICTED to the fact he’s reduced Valentino into mall clothing.

We forgive anything done to Thom Brown, but this is Valentino.

If the news is anchored like this, I will be tuning in daily.

Need to have entertainment reviews and clips.

R80 followed by Press The Meat.

More merchandise for sale.

Fauci Live! Every Monday Night at 8pm, Dr. Anthony Fauci shows highlights of his Covid related committee hearing appearances. Each week, he features a different Congress person he schooled about infectious diseases. Oh, who are we kidding? Each week it is totally Dr. F ripping Matt Gaetz a new one. Occasionally Rand Paul drops by.

One hour a day of programming will be devoted to the DL Hiss Hour. Whoever is hated that day will be hissed at. The first episode's hissee will be Andy Cohen.

After DL hiss hour - there will be a 15 minute segment where a mugshot is shown of a hot violent straight and we will hear nothing but bottoms moaning.

R95, we need an episode where he rips into Aaron Rodgers

Donatella Versace as fashion Eidotr

Editor even!

Dear God Donatella is a frightening mess.

And nobody's speaking to her.

Donatella looks ghastly

The GG needs a cooking segment.

I'm sure our very own Greg would volunteer! And the show would be a daily opportunity to run our PSA on Proper Pasta Procedures.

Tune in Monday night at 11 - Jackie on Assistance and Ruth Madoff, living on 1/5 million in CT provide helpful tips for living within your means all of a sudden.

R69 The True Crime shows at DNN most probably will be documentaries focusing on how fucking hot is Chris Watts.

“Our Dear Paul” and “Our Dear Jacob” are swiftly cancelled after ferocious backlash.

Yes r107. Luckily, the program about Sydney Sweeney being a STAR was already cancelled the second DNN heard about it.

Glad we canceled the "I love Condi Rice!" show too

And the "Nikki Haley is intelligent" hour was also cancelled immediately and the program director fired.

The much anticipated “Let’s Be“ segment will be something canceled as it devolves into a sexiest, ageist, lesbophopic shit show every single time.

The much anticipated “Let’s Be“ segment will be soon canceled as it devolves into a sexiest, ageist, lesbophopic shit show every single time

Well, I guess that spells the end of “100 Different Ways to Fix Nutloaf” too.

For the weekly “Friday frau hour,” there will be 30 minutes devoted to “straight female friends” and the cunty, thoughtless bullshit they’ve been pulling both lately and historically. This will be followed by another 30 minutes detailing the disgusting nonsense we’ve been facing from female coworkers.

"Travel Time" will air every Sunday evening, competing with 60 Minutes. First Sunday of every month will be "What's New, Palm Springs," a sub-category of "Travel Time."

The cooking channel will feature "Baby Tastes for Adults." E.g., "How to Peel a Red Delicious Apple" and "Chicken Nuggets: Not Just for Kids" (with mild-flavored ketchup-based dipping sauce recipes).

Sum Ting Wong will be a special correspondent whenever there's an air disaster involving Asians.

“The Froy Report”, a nightly segment detailing news of everyone’s favorite twunk, and analysis of any new shirtless photos that have emerged.

“Sizemeat Verificatia” dives into penis lengths across cultures with a special emphasis on historical figures and celebrities. Using advances scientific methods, such as AI enhanced BDF analysis, historical records, and personal testimony, the team establishes, the length, girth, and shape of sizemeat, verifying it occasionally through underground investigations.

Vintage infomercials are played during prime time. Here's DL fave Cathy Mitchell demonstrating the Xpress Redi-Set-Go, formerly known as the Snackmaster.

Ron Popeil is up next with the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie. Set it ... and forget it!

And this is played at least twice an hour.

Monthly telethons will feature only one show .

Physical fitness programs are a must for the chubby DL queens.

On this network, this exercise video is more appropriate.

The broadcast day ends with this.

R124, wouldn’t that be more appropriate for morning?

If the ratings are high for DNN, a sister network spinoff will be launched--VPL Sports Network. R123 will be a featured segment.

Breaking news. Heads turned today when a handsome and muscular German was spotted exiting the pool at a five star hotel in Meloneras, Gran Canaria.

Vacationing homosexual Justin Marlow, 51, from Dorset, England, reported being distracted from his Kindle when he spotted the muscular blond man climbing out of the pool, adjusting his swimming shorts and joining his girlfriend on the sunbeds.

‘At first my attention was drawn to this man’s extensive leg tattoos, but then I noticed the abs, the bulge, the face and the general smooth and muscular appearance’ said Justin, a retail branding consultant. ‘My first reaction was to tell my husband Jason to put his glasses on, and the second was to start recording this guy on my phone’.

Unfortunately, DNN was purchased by Peter Thiel, so now it's just a bunch of promos for J.D. Vance, Ted Cruz, and Josh Hawley

Heading up the Sports desk is Richard Simmons

[quote] Physical fitness programs are a must for the chubby DL queens.

How we do love to watch them in our Barcaloungers.

The Best of RIchard Simmons does in no way last 20 minutes.

Brought to you by VEL!