Golden Girls - best lines

This thread and others make me think that Datalounge is basically a secret underground civilization of people who have never seen the actual world above. The only clues they have to it are some ancient videotapes of the complete series of "I Love Lucy" and "The Golden Girls," and they watch these over and over again, obsessing about them, going over every last detail, and wondering just how life in the sunlit world above can possibly correspond to the details of what they're seeing on the holy videotapes.

The Donner party still would have eaten each other if they’d been offered that.

r1, that's fascinating.

You’re the biggest disappointment to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer.

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: "I don't know if I can get my hand that far up your dress but I tell you, for ten thousand dollars I'd be willing to give it a try."

Glad you bumped the thread, R1.

You're pulling my leg

I don't think I could drink that much sake

r1 Did you type your comment out "in the sunlit world?"

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?

Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.

Rose: Tell me, is it possible to love two men at the same time?

Blanche: Set the scene, have we been drinking?

They're called "Langenhürlen"!

Dorothy: "Ma, I have a feeling you're lying."

Rose: "Dorothy, be positive."

Dorothy: "Okay, I'm positive you're lying."

Blanche: "I've never been so humiliated in my life."

Dorothy: "What about the time you lost the key to your handcuffs and had to go with that guy on his mail route?"

"It's like we say in St. Olaf—Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy."

That show always had me rolling.

Talk show host: Dorothy and Blanche, Lesbians.

R1 R3 Why don't you both shut up and answer this next question.

Blanche: we're here collecting lingerie for needy sexy people.

Blanche: nothing turns me on more than a smart man. Unless it's a stupid man with good hands.

What is the context for the Rich Little line?

R16- Beatrice Arthur and Betty White were the two

LESBIANS

Can you believe that backstabbing slut?

Blanche : You know what I always hate doing after a party? Rose : Trying to find your underwear in the big pile?

What is a 1950s black singing group?

Gee, I wonder how many maitre d’s have heard that line.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I think I see now how it happened: Last evening at dinner, when Miss MacGlinn saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...

Sophia Petrillo: Big deal. I took a whole place setting.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: [angrily] Not NOW, Ma!

R1 that observation gets more fascinating every time it's copied and pasted into a new thread.

Dorothy: "She told me if I was a good girl, a really good girl, my paper bird would turn into a real one. Which I believed, because why would a mother lie?"

Sophia: “What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?”

Dorothy: “I really don’t know but - I’ll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at…THE HOME!”

So far, I haven't laughed once. Typical Susan Harris crap.

Blanche : Have I got a man for you! Dorothy: No Thanks had one.

Dorothy: Rose, if you have to ask, it does not matter anymore.

Sophia: Do you know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty.

Dorothy: In what Blanche? Dog years?

Blanche: That explains it then; why you lookin' so much older than me.

Sophia: I tried that on Old Man Peterson after we saw "Psycho" at the home. They said he would never walk again. He walked!

Blanche: Oh sure! I've pretend to be a virgin half a dozen times!

Sophia: You mean "The Home". Say it Dorothy: "The Home".

Sophia: We was po'!

Sophia: Well! Looks like me little magnolia blossom turned in to a great big 'ho'!

Blanche: Screw 'em! I pay my taxes!

Blanche: "Excuse me, I'm going to go take a bath and sit in just enough water to cover my perky bosom."

Sophia: "You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?"

Rose, play or die.

Blanche Devereaux: Well, now I know why Hemingway killed himself. Oh, girls, I have writer's block. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Sophia Petrillo: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

Blanche Devereaux: [ignoring Sophia] You just sit there, hour after hour after hour...

Sophia Petrillo: Tell me about it.

Sophia Petrillo: You told me you were having a pedicure when your husband was dyin'.

Blanche Devereaux: Well of course I was, Sophia. It was the third Thursday of the month. If I'd cancelled, that would have been it for July and August, when I'd be wearin' open-toed sandals.

Sophia Petrillo: [mocking] Angel of mercy!

Shrimp!?

*winces*

" I don't want to be killed at my age. That would be like getting tackled on the one-yard line."

Rose: *in a sing-song high voice* Isn’t that right, Mr. Longfellow?

Dorothy: *angrily and desperately* PLLLEEEAAASSSEEEEEE!!!!!

Game show host: "Better late than..."?

Blanche: "Pregnant!"

Dorothy to Rose and Blanche: "If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo instead of with... I'd better not say anything until I've had my coffee.

[takes a sip of coffee]

...A SLUT AND A MORON!!!"

"You come to ME if you have problems with a man. You go to Dorothy if there's some grammar you need help with."

–Blanche

BLANCHE: Dorothy, if you felt better about yourself, you'd want to get out and do more. I have a little exercise I do whenever my self-esteem's kind of low. I say my name, and then I list three positive things about myself: I'm Blanche Deveraux, I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend. Go on now, you try.

DOROTHY: I'm Dorothy Zbornak, I'm beautiful, men find me desirable, and people want to be my friend.

BLANCHE: I'm sorry I confused you, honey. You're supposed to say three things that apply to you. You know, like you could say, "I'm Dorothy Zbornak... I'm a good speller, and I'm... I'm very prompt and, um..." Well, actually, there's no law that says there has to be three.

DOROTHY: Actually, I just thought of a third one: I can snap a friend's neck like a twig.

Blanche: The last time a friend's sweetheart made a pass at me, I lost my friend and her beau. Rose: And her beau? Blanche: That's right, Anderbeau Johnson. Clyde Whitehead, Anderbeau's beau, decided he wanted to see my cheerleader sweater from the inside. So when I told Anderbeau, she blamed the whole thing on me, and then Clyde would never speak to me again for telling! I lost Anderbeau and her beau! Now you understand why I can't tell Dorothy? Rose: I don't even understand who Anderbobo is.

The writers were truly in a league of their own. The humour holds up so well, decades later.

Dorothy: Do I sound like I had a good time?! Sophia: How the hell should I know, you're always like this!

SOPHIA: In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelle. What ever you had, she had a cure. She was best known for this green salve she used to make to treat ear infections. One day, she gave a batch to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put it in his linguine instead of in his ear.

DOROTHY: I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, do you things like that.

SOPHIA: As it turns out, it wasn't such a bad thing to do. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, it didn't do so well: 'Linguine with Ear Salve' on a menu doesn't look too appetizing. But once he changed the name to 'Pesto Sauce,' it moved like hot cakes!

*you do things like that

Dorothy and Sophia try to get pregnant Mary's father to take her back]

Sophia: You feel because Mary went out and got herself pregnant that she's a slut. Well, let me tell you what a slut is. It's someone that gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie. It was a Studebaker, wasn't it, Dorothy?

Dorothy Zbornak : [mortified] It was a Nash, Ma.

Sophia Petrillo : Now that's a slut.

Rose to Blanche: “I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut. I was wrong. You don’t wear too much makeup.”

Dorothy on the phone with a contractor: "No, I’m sorry, that’s more than I’m willing to pay for a guest room. Yes, I have heard the expression ‘you get what you pay for.’ I’ve also heard the expression ‘there’s a sucker born every minute.’… Yes, I have heard that expression too…”

(after Dorothy says that she is going to an experimental theatre downtown)

Blanche: Somebody dragged me to a show there one time. Three men paraded around the stage for five hours talking about God and eating graham crackers. They wore masks to cover their faces, but other than that, they were totally naked.

Rose: And you stayed through the whole evening?

Blanche: Well, I would’ve left, but one of the actors looked so familiar to me… But it was hard to tell since he had such a small part.

One individual posting all of the replies. Ignored

I only posted twice at R43 and R47.

Don't worry, R54 , I think that was directed at me. I only posted twice in here myself, but whatever. That troll follows me from thread to thread and posts something argumentative or derogatory immediately after I post, mostly about limiting my posts from "storytelling", "just pick one", contradicting the facts I had posted, or insulting my intelligence. In this case, because I posted twice (more GG lines just keep popping into my head, I can't help it), they say it's just one person posting replies. They've done it before in previous GG threads and this past summer's AI celebrity pulp fiction cover requests thread, claiming I had requested more than thirty celebs (in truth, I hadn't requested even a full dozen). I was called "a martian" for defending Rachel Maddow in the current MSNBC thread. Like I said, whatever.

Anyway, back on topic.

r53 I wish you weren't being forced to take part in a thread you don't like. Hmmm.

Nancy (beat), honey. Now I don't normally like to throw my name around, but you really leave me no choice. It so happens that I am Miss Anjeh Dickinson.

“I could get herpes listening to this story!” — Dorothy

Dorothy: Can I get you another slice of cake, Uncle Angelo?

Angelo: No, thank you.

Stan: I'll take a slice, darling.

Dorothy: No problem, sweetheart.

Stan: Hurry back, dumpling.

Dorothy: My feet have wings, barf bag.

Sophia: Oh and Dorothy, when you go for your makeover... don't expect a miracle.

Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, do you have any cough drops?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No.

Sophia Petrillo: Hard candy?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: No.

Sophia Petrillo: Tic Tacs?

Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: Does it say K-Mart on the back of my nightgown?

Sophia Petrillo: Actually, it does, you cheapskate!

Administrator Cummings: Problems, problems! The world is bringing me problems! And you are?

Sophia Petrillo: We are the world

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, let us call a rehabilitation center for you.

Rose Nylund: No, I don't need one of those places. I can't go to one of those places. I'd be too ashamed. I'd be too embarrassed.

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: What is there to be ashamed of? You have a medical problem. Was Betty Ford embarrassed? Was... was Liza Minnelli embarrassed?

Sophia Petrillo: She should have been. Did you see "Arthur 2"?

So good we NAMED IT.

Different on outside, same on inside!

“I’m nobody’s little girl anymore..”

Always makes me choke up. Mary!!!!

"I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer!"

Blanche Devereaux: Angela, that was the best meal I've ever had in my life.

Angela: Well, how good could it have been? You left half of it.

Blanche Devereaux: I ate every bite!

Angela: There's some sauce left. If you'd really liked it, you'd take a hunk of bread and sop it all up. You can afford it!

Blanche Devereaux: Oh, no I cant! I've put on a few pounds, you just haven't noticed.

Angela: What am I blind? I can see that. I meant the bread. You can afford it, it's only 89 cents a loaf.

A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen, except hers moved when she skipped.

Blanche Devereaux: This is like a Twilight Zone... somehow we got on a train that ended up inside Rose's mind.

Sophia Petrillo: Edna McCarthy is dead? Oh my God, that's terrible. I just sent her a chain letter. There's a dollar I'll never see!

Blanche: You, sir, are nothin' but a lowdown, carpet-bagging, scallywag! And as God is my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!

Dorothy: And another thing, you'll never WHAT?

BLANCHE: Anyway, it was at our Southern seafood fry that I proudly dragged Cathy Lee over to meet my folks. Well, my mama took one look at Cathy Lee and forbade me ever to see her again, because her mother was not in the Daughters of the Confederacy. Oh, how my heart went out to little Cathy Lee, standing there while our servants snickered at her servants.

Dorothy: Mommy, Mrs. Doowiddle is cold! Mommy, Mrs. Doowiddle is cold! Sophia: Dorothy? Dorothy: Yes, Ma? Sophia: Cut the crap, I'm not in the mood!

Dorothy: Now Ma, I don't want you to get too upset if the current tenants won't let us see our old apartment. (A Hispanic man opens the door) Buenos dias? Sophia: OH GOD! (Dorothy slaps her hand over Sophia's mouth.)

[My apologies for the formatting in R74. ]

Burt Reynolds (to Sophia): Which one’s the slut?

Rose, Dorothy, and Blanche: *raise hands*

(as the girls debate about firing the housekeeper) Blanche: girls, we can't fire her now, she's making me an aphrodisiac! Dorothy: use vodka and black underwear like everyone else!

R1 You post that exact reply on every single Golden Girls thread word for word. Do you have it saved so you can just copy and paste it?

Blanche “you Dorothy, afraid of something, a big old strong strapping thing like you”

"Excuse me if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac!"

Blanche Devereaux: Rose, you have to put this behind you. You killed Mrs. Claxton two days ago!

My God, Rose! Eisenhower used less chalk planning D-Day!

Not a line, but: Dorothy’s deadpan looks.

Blanche: I asked my teacher for help like you all told me to, he said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

Rose: No!

Blanche : Oh yes! I just don't know what to do!

Sophia : Get it in writing.

"My rear tires have less pressure in them!"

"That's a metaphor, Dorothy."

“She’s Gary Hart’s campaign manager. It doesn’t pay much but you don’t have to get out of bed to do it.”

"What'd she model - car covers?"

Sophia Petrillo: Arrested for prostitution! I can't believe it!

Blanche Devereaux: Sophia, we're innocent!

Sophia Petrillo: I know that. I can't believe these dumb cops would think people would wanna pay money to sleep with you!

Blanche Devereaux: [Breathless with anticipation, she speaks faster and faster, twisting the newspaper in her hands] Mr. John Forsythe. Oh my God! He's just the sexiest man in television. And Burt Reynolds is the sexiest man in the movies. Oh, I cannot believe this. All that manliness in one room. In one crowded room. One hot, crowded room. Everybody's steamy bodies pressed up against each other...

Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Blanche. Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. You're about to set off the smoke detector.

What mirror do you use?

"She's in the attic!"

"In what Blanche, dog years?"

Blanche: Girls, I'm so excited! Just imagine being Richard's wife. I would be married to a gorgeous, intelligent man. I'd be living like a queen!

Sophia: Think about it in your room, Your Highness. I need to use the throne.

Sophia Petrillo: [to Rose and Charley] Are you two coming? The spaghetti's getting cold.

Rose Nylund: We'll be there in a minute, Sophia. We're in the middle of a makeup lesson.

Sophia Petrillo: I hope the kid can help you, you wear more rouge than Miss Piggy!

Blanche: But Dorothy he wants me, I can sense it. He's a man, I'm a woman.

Dorothy: And what am I, Little Richard?

Blanche (walking into the kitchen) : I'm nothing but a cheap, tawdry slut. Rose (with her back to the door): Let me guess! Is it Blanche?

Blanche: Oh I hate him, God, do I hate him! Not only did he steal my necklace, but he betrayed my trust! Oh please, God, let him get caught, let him go to jail. Let him rot and die in some filthy cell with the rats gnawing at his eyes!

Dorothy: You know, when you pray, the kitchen almost becomes a chapel.

Suck my piss flap!

Oh shut up and catch the wind from my queef!

Dorothy: You keep your bloomers on Scarlett.

Blanche: But he wants me, I can feel it.

Dorothy: Let someone else feel it.

***

Blanche: Blanche Devereaux never shares a man!

Sophia: Or a pizza

BLANCHE: Why, the same thing happened to me when I was in my early twenties. I was taking some classes at Miss McGyver's Finishing School. One night, Bobby Jo Springer had escorted me back to the dormitory after the annual Fine Manners ball, when an innocent good night kiss developed into an evening of passion. But at 3am, the door flung open and there stood Miss McGyver, making one of those bed checks she was famous for. I tried to handle the whole thing like a lady. I waved politely over Bobby Jo's shoulder with my foot...

Blanche: Dorothy, guess who's here?

Dorothy: My date.

Blanche: Your husband.

Dorothy: I don't have a husband, call the police.

Stanley: Ex-husband.

Dorothy: I'll call the police.

***

Blanche: Come on in here Ham, and let's get a look at you!

Sophia: What else can we look at? The man's covering half the pictures on our walls!

***

[One of my personal favorites:]

Rose: Planes aren't that thin, or that bright.

Dorothy: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer.

Blanche: I brought my son Skippy home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.

Dorothy: Blanche, please. I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters you had up and down the Florida coastline with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold wet sand!

^ Blanche: Damn you're good!

Another joyless copy/paste thread. Can’t even have a fun Golden Girls thread anymore.

Yeah... well... you have a big behind.

Dorothy: I always wanted to try a nudist camp. Stationmaster ( overhearing) some big pots belong on the back burner.