Let's be Eastern European porn

I'm Melania, shooting her last bukkake scene before leaving for the U.S. on an Einstein visa.

I'm the cheap bright colored 'leather' modern sofa amidst a room of worn-down old world charm.

I'm besties with the white floral lace curtains - they let in light and allow us to have some privacy!

I'm the lack of consent.

I'm the busted, yellow teeth.

I'm the unsuspecting Airbnb guest, discovering the nacreous layer when I open the futon.

I'm the serious face that never smiles at strangers, ever. Only stupid Americans do that!

I'm the simian forehead which is oddly alluring at 20, but will not be at 25.

I’m the hand of the cameraman, squeezing some nervous looking but hot Czech boy’s pecs.

I'm the extra "behind-the-scenes" footage which is mostly 18-year-olds chainsmoking and checking their phones while speaking in Serbian.

I'm the ubiquitous foreskins.

I’m the splayed legs sticking out from behind a cheap wooden wall.

I’m the mating sounds.

I'm the 100 men they had to audition to find one with sizemeat.

I'm the look of sadness in Mike18s eyes that I still remember years later.

I'm lurid interiors.

I’m Melania calling her favorite director: “when we start? I available whenever..”

I'm the abundance of impressively large, photogenic, uncut cocks, hanging off of gorgeously fit smooth bodies of men who are beautiful now but who will be beat with an ugly stick by the time they're 30.

I am old country!

I’m the weird flicking tongue “kissing”

I'm the absence of chest hair.

I’m the foreskin

I'm the condoms. I'm very much closing the stable door after the horse has bolted.

I'm Jon Hamm, set designer (and stunt cock).

I'm the soon to be president of the USA drinking Russian whore piss

I’m the performers’ dejected miens on which is visible centuries of hardship, oppression and bloodshed that is the heritage of the Slavs.

I'm the editor.

I'm the typical Eurotrash gay porn slut who sucks and takes in the ass hundreds and hundreds of cocks but out of the blue decides to marry a woman and have children.

I'm the fluffer.

They don't need fluffers when they have viagra.

I am Babcia. In kitchen. I make cook for boys. I no look.

I'm the frontloading washing machine in the kitchen. There's strange round electrical sockets that look sort of like a 70s phone jack.

I'm "nyet." I'm a friend of R3's.

I’m the loaf of bread the two porn actors snack on while being filmed before getting busy.

Just a plain loaf of unsliced bread.

I’m the air raid sirens in the background.

I am the total lack of age verification and pension plans.

I am the far away look in the bottom's eyes that says "I am doing this so I can buy a car to take my wife and children to the grocery store. Ouch."

I'm the odd chipmonk noises they make when having sex

I’m the 70 year old Russian woman taking teen cock for granny porn.

I’m the people who don’t say a word so that my shitty porn can be sold to English-speaking countries.

I'm Lukas Ridgeston. Actor, director, veteran, LEGEND.

I am the expectation that babushka will NEVER fund out because she doesn't own a computer an the stuff is only sold in America.

We're the data: Czechs and Hungarians have the biggest cocks in Europe.

I'm the sound of traffic going by just few feet/meters from the open window.

I’m Pavel Novotny, adonis.

R42, we are the delusion of self-reported penis size data.

I am the slap on your face before I make you drink my pee.

I’m the AIDS.

^ Hasn't been laid since 1983.

I’m the ghetto farmhouse.

I'm the English lesson: it's "oh yeah, oh yeah" every 45 seconds until the end, and then it's "aw, yeah."

Yaaaaaaaaaaa yaaaaaa

I am the pierogi Babcia at R30 is making in the kitchen.

I’m “ooo, ooo” instead of “oh, oh” or “uh, uh”

I’m the pouty lips and averted eyes.

I'm the over use of the word "properly" in awkward circumstances. Like "Suck it properly!"

I'm the rug hanging on the wall.

I am the skipped and heavily accented words in the limited dialogue.

I am the long super closeup penetration shot that never ends as if the only thing gays want to see (not the body, not the face) is five minutes of a shaft going in and out of an ass.

I'm the copious amounts of semen that spews far and wide

I’m the weird music in the background.

I am the strange absence of suicides and meth overdoses amongst actors.

I'm the Designated Bottom. I'm hoping my national health insurance pays for prolapse repair surgery.

I'm the bar with a swimming pool with a glass wall so everyone can see the frolicking. For some reason the pool area allows blow jobs but no anal. That's for the bar sitting area.

I’m the girlfriend occasionally joining me with another guy for an OnlyFans collaboration. I don’t mind my bf’s taking dick since it gets me nice gifts.

I'm the abundance of moles on their bodies. So many moles.

[quote]I’m “ooo, ooo” instead of “oh, oh” or “uh, uh”

I always hear more of a “yee-oh” or “yee-aw”

I am the dirty feet and sock lint between the toes.

I'm the scrawny, underdeveloped chests on 20-year-olds.

R6, I’m the serious face that never smiles at my “partner” and remains stoic and unchanged even during the throes of orgasm.

I’m the shaved armpits … on the men.

I’m the floral wallpaper that is somehow, in some indescribable way, obviously Russian.

I’m the dead behind the eyes look that gay or straight talent have.

I'm the flushed cheeks from the over-use of viagra to try and keep a hardon.

I’m the homophobic anger and claims that he only does this to feed his family during the interview that is one of the bonus features on the DVD.

I'm the claim of total heterosexuality despite the lack of gag reflex and the ease of anal entry.