Let's be a Zillenial Friendsgiving

I’m the sparse food options and lackluster table decor, due to laziness, tackiness, and cheapness. We opened a bag of chips and threw them on the table next to some store-bought hummus and a single mini pumpkin, which serves as the evening’s solitary decoration. You’ll be lucky if we dump those chips in a serving bowl, which we probably don’t have anyway.

I'm the UberEats driver, pissed at my shitty tip.

I'm the box of Stove Top Stuffing, brought as a joke. The directions look haaaaaaaaard

My pussy stinks.

I'm the cuddle puddle in the absent roommate's bed at the end of the night after everyone has Venmo'd Dylan for their Molly.

...and the inevitable septum ring/fishnet stocking mishap that eventually ends the fun.

I’m the “ironic” Gobbler hoagies that were delivered by r2 in Pittsburgh. From Primanti’s. Jed ordered his with the fries on the side.

I'm the pro hamas activist boycotting my parents for siding with those genocidal zionists. I also refuse to acknowledge Thanksgiving as it's an International Day of Mourning. I also have blue hair and weight 400 lbs but I deserve a hot boyfriend.

I’m the IKEA dining table.

I’m the obesity.

I'm the dirty genitals. I haven't been scrubbed since Halloween.

I’m the neurodivergence.

I’m the tedious negotiation of consent for the mildest social interactions.

I’m the vocal fry and upspeaking

I'm also the vocal fry ... so much vocal fry

We don't celebrate this genocidal "holiday."

We will be out protesting genocidal zionists who are the same as genocidal American settlers in their genocide.

Osama bin Laden had a point, you know.

I'm the TikTok trend of dumping all the food onto a table covered with a plastic sheet and letting you all have at it like a bunch of fucking savages.

R16 is that a thing? Gross.

How grateful I am, r17, that I don't tik-tok.

I’m the small bag of kale chips, ranch flavor.

I’m the post-gender sexlessness and morbid obesity.

I’m the incessant chatter pendulum swing between inflammatory half-ass political theories and infantile discussions about Disney remakes and Britney Jean Spears.

I'm the consensus that Timothée Chalamet is a cinnamon roll and must be protected at all costs.

I'm the unanimous lack of being registered to vote.

I'm the egalitarian need for a group consensus that never materializes -- which makes every decision we make, even more slow and bureaucratic.

I’m the performative keyboard activism.

I'm an expert on Israel-Palestine.

I’m the DL’s jealousy of young people

Why would the average DLer be jealous of uptight virgins who lack social skills and can't even put themselves together in public?

That makes no sense!