Stuff Your Grandma Said

My grandma always asked if I wanted a "sangwidge... or just a banano." For breakfast she made the best "pennycakes" in the world.

“Y’all gon stop slammin my screen do(or)!”

"You're car sick? Have a malted milk tablet."

"Bad day? Have a pastry."

"Your parents are upset. Go to your room. Be seen when they ask, not heard."

“If you ain’t gonna be no help, leave.”

“I’m better at cards than you.”

My favorite, from when I would sing songs and entertain the family, “you got a silver tongue, sweetheart!”

She didn't speak a lot. You knew how she was feeling by the way she exhaled her cigarette smoke. 🚬

I love R2's Grandma.

R5 for the win. That is one badass mafioso grandma.

(When I was inside the bathroom she would stand outside the door and yell)

“Pinch it off!!”

“But grandma, it would be different if—“

“If? If the buzzard had notes on its tail, there’d be music in the air.”

My Grandma was always talking about her "light bill" not her power bill or electricity bill. It was always "light bill".

She and my Paw Paw hated AC; they eventually got one, but rarely used it. On those rare times when they did turn it on, if you held the door open too long, my Grammy would say "Stop letting my air out of the house."

Most days it would like a 100 degrees in the house and they wouldn't turn it on. Go sit outside under a tree.

My grandma was the most important person in my life. I woke up early one day and saw her with her wig off. This was during cancer treatments. She saw I was taken aback by her bald head and invited me to “give it a rub.”

Family lore has it that she would stay up all night playing cards with her brothers, get the kids off to school and take a nap. We would pick apples. My grandfather dug a pond for her in the shape of a butterfly. To this day, when I see a butterfly I say to myself, “I miss you, Barbie.”

Go cut me a switch.

Butts are for hittin' or sittin'. You decide.

R8, I remember that story from another thread. That's awful & hilarious at the same time.

Jiminy crickets!

"Wish in one hand and shit in the other, then see which one gets full first."

"If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit."

and

"The best helping hand is at the end of your own arm."

[quote] "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, then see which one gets full first."

This was always a weird saying, IMO.

When complaining about somebody who talked too much, my grandmother would say, "S/he'd tell you whether s/he had a hard or soft BM!"

My cleaning-obsessed grandmother always had to "run the sweeper."

We grandkids would laugh, picturing her jogging around the house with her vacuum cleaner.

I did make sure I inherited her sweeper when she died. It's a grey and green Electrolux from the Sixties. It looks like it should be attached to a Cadillac.

I used it for many years because the attachment really got into corners, but my local grocery store stopped carrying bags for it.

Now I run a different sweeper. Bagless.

“Take a flower with you.”

He’s so mean, when he dies they’ll have to beat his liver with a stick!

(I was never sure exactly what this meant, but I loved the image.)

"Piddle" or "tinkle" for taking a piss

Wonderful memory, R19. My grandma had a manual, unpowered sweeper that she used to have us run over her hideous (sorry grandma lol) braided rugs. This is the first I’ve thought about it in like 25 years.

it's hotter than a little red wagon in here!

My grandma used to call bad manners, "common." "Don't be common," she'd say if one of us kids did something she considered rude, such as talking loudly in public, pointing, forgetting to say please or thank-you.

My mom's vacuum cleaner weighed 100 pounds (exaggerating). It was the kind that looked like R2D2. I hated it. Yes, the attachments were good. However, for vacuuming floors, ugh! I have uprights, now.

"Sit down and stop cackling, you little pissants!"

Calling a fart a "stinker."

Land sakes!

If you're going to bring colored people into the house tell me so I can lock everything up first.

She called us guttersnipes when we were poorly behaved

By the Leaping Lord Jesus!

lol, R31. Mine called us rapscallions.

She would say oh it’s such a gay day. And Tempest fugit.

My friend's grandmother would say "pickaninnies" when referring to black children. And I don't feel comfortable sharing her term for Brazil nuts... that is, unless you guys insist.

My finest memory of my grandmother is being yelled at a very young age when she asked me a question. I was a very shy kid, but she wasn't having it.

Gran: Do you want a cookie?

Me (shaking my head 'yes')

Gran: YOU AIN'T NO BILLYGOAT!!!

Go ahead and cry, you'll pee less.

Go fetch me my pocketbook.

Grandma was big on having us fetch things...

Land-a-livin'.

It was an expression, used very similarly to 'good heavens' or 'for heaven's sake'. I'm not sure exactly what it is supped to actually SAY, but I THINK it means 'land of the living'.

R12 resonated big time. You knew you had a no bullshit ass whipping coming when she said "Go cut me a switch." We had what we called Indian cigar trees in the yard, and those bastards had some switches that would sing when she caught you on the back of your legs. Trapped you in the bathtub and wailed on you.

You're going to pull her arm right out of the socket!

"Sorry, darling, enema time isn't until 8:00."

For a second, I thought the thread was titled "Stuff Your Grandma's Salad". I thought it was a porn movie title.

If she was having a hard time doing something like opening a jar she'd say "You stinka!"

R36 again

R37, my Gram said the same thing, but she would say 'the more you cry, the less you pee!'

[Quote] "The best helping hand is at the end of your own arm."

R16 was your grandma making a self fisting reference?

Tickle me tickle me you know where

Over my drawers and in the hair

“Does Steve Grand have a pierced penis?”

Run to the store and pick me up some Javelle.

You’re grounded like a bitch!

My very Catholic Grandma would drag us to Mass at 6am, sit through 3 masses before the stores opened downtown at 8. She would happily pass gas, and say to us 'Better out than in'....

While watching the news: "I'm glad I'm going to be dead soon."

R52 my gram did the same thing.

Either farting or burping so loud it sounded like a crack of thunder.

My grandma was extremely stupid. She’d rip farts while on road trips and immediately ask “did you do that?”

Not my grandmother, but when Obama was still president, I stood in line at CVS with about five grannies in front of me, one of them reading the National Enquirer and telling the others 'That Obama...he just wants to kill old people and babies!' - I piped up to say they were crazy, and got their scornful lecture 'That's what it feels like!'

Also… As I’ve posted before…..

My mom and my grandma (her mother-in law) used to crank call each other constantly while I was growing up. I remember my mom blasting the volume of my TV when the Brady Bunch theme music came on, with the phone receiver next to the TV speaker, while calling my grandma. This went on for years. I come from a fucked up fam.

she didn't say much when she was listening to her police scanner

My mom would do a drive by of my grandma’s house. If we caught her outside, in her flower garden or sitting on her porch, my mom would roll down her window and yell stuff like “You ugly fuckin’ bitch. Get back in the house!” Then we’d speed off in our Cadillac.

My grandparents left their farm and moved to the city when I was about 8. My grandma would still say she was "going to town" whenever she went shopping, even if it was to the KMart 2 blocks from her house.

Any time she saw a couple made up of a tall partner and a short one, she would call them Mutt and Jeff. I loved her retro pop culture references.

My nonna called Jackie Kennedy a "putana" when she married Onasis.

"Oh, criminy!"

"I'll tan your backside" - if we were misbehaving.

R61 Go Nonna!

Did she make good Sunday gravy?

"Eh? EH?"

While talking to another lady leaning on the fence "I declare!" It was said with a Virginia Southern Belle accent.

The only other thing I remember her saying was "Look at Major Burns." This was the MASH episode when Margaret married Donald Penobscott.

My favorite memory is Me, Mom and My Sister leaving church and watching 70 year old Nanny blasting down the road in her Blue Galaxy 500.

"Penny for your thoughts" was very common.

Out of the way n***** to the black cat of hers as she was kicking it out if her way in her kitchen.

Me: Nana, the test results say I have stage four pancreatic cancer.

Nana: How about a nice cup of tea. That’ll make you feel better.

Shut up and suck my pussy!

"Did you warsh your teeth?"

You kids get your feet off the davenport!

Stop running around like a pack of heathens.

We would lie across my grandmother's lap and she would scratch our backs. She'd always ask us if we wanted her to use her fingernails or not.

"Just remember: Your life is an accident of privilege!"

You're as welcome as the flowers of May

Your Pee-Paw has a big one.

40 lashes with a wet noodle!

R25 Love it. Your grandma was an OG Datalounger.

When couples would sit next to each other while driving , she would say " look , it takes two to drive that car " .

Quiet! My stories are on! Oh that Erica kane

My grandfather would give grandma a look if he thought she was talking too much. “Alright, Marvin, I’ll shut up and let you talk.”

Oh great, I guess we will sit around being bored for two weeks, because I can't take you ANYWHERE looking like that.

I should have adopted you.

She used to say that women who played sports were "coarse".

She used to say that women who smoked were whores

"She wears sensible shoes" for the lezbians. "black as the ace of spades" "cross your legs" anytime a female member sat down without crossing their legs. "my god at least put a little lipstick on" "have you gained weight" "have you lost weight" "stop telling her she's pretty all the time. It'll go to her head" "I'm making BLTs and corn on the cob"

"I'm going out with the other old bags tonight"

If she saw an actress on tv she liked, 'She takes a good part".

Gooooood NIGHT!

if she was surprised or shocked by something.

When given something to eat that you didn’t like - “it won’t stop in your ass”.

Oh i don't know why The Lord is keeping me here. I wish he would let me die. I married your grandad because he had a car. Pretty soon all the boys had a car.

(To all her 17grandchildren) "Sweetheart you're nobody's pampered darling.

"Knee high to a tall indian" ... "There's no difference whatsoever between us and any n****r, they're just colored differently"

She lived with her husband in a sheep herders wagon for six months while their house (like all 3 rooms of it) was being built. She was 76 the last year she went deer hunting with her sons. She was well into her 90's the last time she went trout fishing.

R93 Did she call you a fag upon learning you were gay?

R94 - She couldn't care less. (both her and her husband were born in the 1890's)

^The "gay" nineties.

This thread is more slasher meemaw from flyover

*dumps a bag of old world toys on the floor and leaves*

She always said , just be yourself.

Not a word… they were both dead as dirt before I came along.

R97 - I'm R93. My other grandma from Prussia had live-in servants, and all indoor plumbing and central heating in the 1800's. It is doubtful she would descend to talking to strangers on a 'bulletin board', regardless of proximity to any notable geographic feature. (:

After making her preferred dinner of a lean meat and some rice & butter (a Depression meal, I guess); she asked me to make her a nightly Scotch, the Macallan, then she would thank me and tell me how much she loved me. I miss my grandma.

Both my grandmothers were dead before I was born.

If we kids said an impudent "so?" or "so what!", gram responded with "sew buttons" or sometimes "sew buttons, buster".

Of females who were short and stout, "She won't blow over in a storm!"

“We didn’t just fall off the turnip truck!”

My black grandma used to refer to lesbians as bulldaggers.

"You always know where to find the booze and the boys!"

“She doesn’t go out very much. Well, I wouldn’t go out much either if I were that homely.”

My grandmother on her dumpy neighbor.

My sister loves to complain about our late mother, but mention either of our grandmothers and she hyperventilates.

Mother’s mother would tell my sister exactly what we all thought of her, while our mother just suffered in silence.

After learning that my sister, at age 14, had rejected Mother’s efforts to get her to lose weight and take pride in her appearance, Grandmother asked my sister “Why are you so determined to grow up to be a fat bulldagger?” When my sister then started crying, my grandmother said “Helen, you might as well just sign the papers to put her away now. I don’t think there’s any hope.”

R110 I’m sorry but your granny was a cunt. That is no way to speak to a 14 yr old. You are making comedy out of what was basically verbal child abuse.

A lot of these grandmothers sound horrible, let's face it. My grandma was horrible. Her sayings were old tropes, though: "A stitch in time saves nine." "What you sow, you reap." Blah, blah, blah.

"Now you're cookin' with gas"

"Bless his little heart"

[quote]After learning that my sister, at age 14, had rejected Mother’s efforts to get her to lose weight

Every time I read Mother as if it's a name on the DL I'm reminded of The People Under The Stairs.

More of my drive-by memories....

I remember one evening my mom and I went to Hardees' drive-thru and then ate our food in the car. Afterward, mom and I drove to my grandma's house where she threw our Hardees' bags and cups out of the window into grandma's front yard.

Another time, I recall driving by grandma's house where we found her outside mowing. My mom started honking the horn to get her attention then we both flipped her the bird while driving by and laughing at her. I was only around 4 yrs old at the time. I didn't dislike my grandma I was just doing what mom was doing.

I never believe an eldergay on DL who claims to call or have called his mother "Mother".

Hurry up everyone. Lawrence Welk is on in 20 minutes!

Where did I put those mothballs?

Did any dataloungers [italic]not[/italic] grow up on the Great Plains?

Ice Box and Weather Bureau

I can’t wait till you die.

Mother = total bitch

“Well, fuck me runnin’”

I had a friend who said "fuck me running" all the time. He was the only person I knew who said that.

You fuck like your father.

"I need some Javelle water [bleach] for the laundry."

Mongoloid

"Would you like a dropped egg on toast?"

Dropped = poached.

R124 did your friend know my grandma from Illinois?

I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is a lot better.

Jump my bones

Stop your bitchin’ and yer moanin’ als just Stop bitching!

And of course “ya get what ya get!” I remember her saying this to me after she gave me the kind of pie I didn’t like at Christmas even though we had several different kinds. I bet she did it on purpose.

This thread sounded like it might be charming, rather than a collection of puerile sex jokes.

That's DLer grandmas, actually.

My grandmother was born in Ireland and had a brogue until her dying day. She had a number of sayings, but the one that sticks with me was "A place for everything and everything in its place". She had a fear of children being idle, and if you were sitting on the couch reading, she'd gesture to you and tell you that she needed you to go out and water the lawn - BY HAND. She had a massive lawn in a semi-arid region of Montana, and that meant 10 minutes in one spot, then moving to another spot and another 10 minutes until hours had passed. There was a bit of a family scandal happening when I was in 8th grade (alcoholic aunt losing her job and moving back in with her mother), so I was commandeered to spend 3 or 4 weeks with her that summer as a buffer. I was a reader and found the novel "The Cardinal" on the bookshelf. She saw me reading during the day (a mortal sin). and told me that she needed me to vacuum. So I grabbed the vacuum, and bracing the book on the handle, pushed the vacuum around willy-nilly while I continued reading. (The carpet did not need vacuuming). I heard her gasping for air, and turned to see her doubled over with laughter in the doorway, because I had thwarted her plan and she knew it.

wEiRd gRaNdMa

She called hotdogs “weenies”, and the refrigerator was called the “icebox”.

You walk with a man who limps, and you will start to limp too.

My Scottish granny was totally insane and had a very colourful imagination. She invented various bogeys to make us behave properly. There was a Hairy Monster living up the chimney, who would drag us into the fire if we got too close. Her most effective threat was Big Winnie With The Rubber Teeth, who was invisible but always present, and who would bite you if you misbehaved. It worked. We were terrified.

My sister was perfectly terrible and still is. Mother tried to get her to lose weight and act like a lady, but she just wouldn’t. Mother tried everything from giving her Dexys to sending her to a fat farm. Nothing worked and my sister just got fatter and fatter.

Our grandmother didn’t believe in mincing words. My sister was insolent. A couple of years after the “bulldagger” remark, Grandmother told her she was too old to be dressing like a street urchin. My sister tried to slap her, but Grandmother caught her arm and twisted it until my sister squealed. Through gritted teeth, Grandmother told her if she ever tried that again, she would break her arm. And she would have, too.

I don’t think Grandmother ever spoke to my sister again. She didn’t visit that often and the next time she came, I think my sister made sure to be somewhere else.

You didn’t mess with my grandmother. She was married once before marrying my grandfather. After she died, Mother told me that people suspected my grandmother had poisoned him.

My grandmother called our stereo "the Victrola."

My grandma called our car - she never learned how to drive - the 'machine'.

R141, your grandmother was not a good person.

My Portuguese maternal grandmother was one of the most wise people I ever knew. And one of the most simple, yet poignant things she ever said to me during my childhood was anytime I complained about something said to me that hurt my feelings was "my sweet boy, consider the source".

Meaning the same thing, my mom and aunt used to say, "Take it from where it comes." They probably got it from my grandmother (who I never knew). My mom also sometimes called people blowsers, she said her mom used to say it.

R141 You called her "Grandmother"?

When my granddad would be pulling into the driveway coming home from work:

“I guess I have to go rattle some pans…”

[quote] [R141] You called her "Grandmother"?

That's how DLers address the mothers of their parents. "Grandma" is coarse and for those who reside in flyover states.

R141 maybe your sister was molested? That sort of behavior & weight gain usually has a root cause. I do agree you never raise your hand to anybody. Especially family. That’s not right.

Except when you’re holding a loaded gun

R143 is that from when cars were first introduced?

R141's whole family sounds awful.

In response to asking her where someone was: Me: “where’s my dad?” Grandma: “ he went to shit and the hogs ate him,” meaning she didn’t know or none Of your business.

Grandma “winner winner chicken dinner”

Me “that’s so fucking stupid”

“Megatons of love” was how mine signed all birthday cards and Valentines.

I also called my grandmother "grandmother". She hated "granny" and "grandma", but she wasn't at all uppity.

I imagine half of the pencil-dialers on DL called their grandmother "GRAAAAHND-maMA" with great flourish. The other half called her "that old CUNT."

My grandma also used many (by the 70s) outdated terms - victrola, Frigidaire, broadloom, ice-box cake; and she called everyone "doll."

'Gracious sakes alive!' Said whenever something, good or bad, occurred.

Both my grandmothers died shortly after I was born. I hoped they at least "koochie coo" at least once, to me.

Based on my mother alone…a lot of Jesus, Mary & Joseph and Judas H. Priest.

Based on my father alone…a lot of Chrissakes and Goddammit.

…much English^

You will too suck your sister’s pussy if she gets horny!

Grandma would not fly in a plane. She was born in 1895. She took trains when she traveled. 'If God wants me up in the air, he'll lift me up to Heaven.'

R165 she did eventually. She must have been given a prophetic word.

She died in a plane crash R166

“Back up: Run him over AGAIN!!”

I'm surprised anyone called their grandmother "Grandmother" since I never heard anyone call their grandmother that (or call their mother "Mother"). Grandma and Nana, mostly.

You're right, R158. "Grandmama" is the correct term. Anything else is common.

Naturally, pronounced grand-muh-MA, not GRAND-mah-muh.

R107 -

Mine, too.

Pull up your pants or people will see your doodle-bug.

If it's brown, flush it down!

If it's yellow, let it mellow!

Tumberware instead of Tupperware

The tv was the idiot box. Go outside and play.

She sang “The Bowery, the Bowery! I never go there anymore!!”

A slutty woman was said to be a "split-tail."

High heels worn by such a woman were "tart's trotters."

A woman who thought she was all that was "high-assin'."

"Kiiiid, that ol' split-tail had on her tart's trotters and she was just high-assin' all over the place!"

"Douse the lights and warm up the Philco" "Cripes!" "What's the rumpus?" "Red up this room!" "He's down the street" "Dinner? Fried farts and pickled assholes, that's what" "Your gifts shall be forthcoming" "She wouldn't say 'shit' if she had a mouthful of it" "Go on outside and get the stink blowed off ya" "There's no money tree planted in the yard, is there?" "What are these lights running for?"

I got pyles. I just use my index finger and stuff em back inside my ass.

When Gramps was constipated - happened a lot with what they ate - Gram would tell him to 'take a physic', to move them bowels.

I’m scared 😳 to ask what is a physic? but I will

"My pussy stinks."

It's an inherited condition.

"You're entirely welcome."

"Darlin', would you go get me a co-cola with some shaved ice?'

[quote]"Darlin', would you go get me a co-cola with some shaved ice?'

Why am I picturing a veranda and a fan and a housekeeper named Honey Bee?

R182 Can't you figure it out? A laxative. Usually a strong one like castor oil or Epsom salts.

There's a line in the movie, Niagara (1953) where the motel manager says he's eating fresh figs, which he calls the "best physic you can have", or something like that.

My friend's grandma to her 2nd husband: "Daddy, get me a glass of beer."

My dad's mother didn't like my mother, so she wasn't nice to my siblings and me. "Does your mother let you act that way at home?" is the most common thing she said.

My mom's mother, Granny, loved us and told us so frequently, with lots of hugs and kisses. She referred to shopping as going to town, the refrigerator was an ice box, and when Wheel of Fortune came on, we had to be sitting down with our lips zipped!

"You're gonna sleep a hole in the bed" - we spent the night there quite a bit, and would have slept all morning if she and Granddad were not up early

"Don't fall down the steps" - I am convinced that I WOULD have fallen down the basement steps if she had not told me to not fall down the steps, every single time

Well, almost, R186, my nanny's name was Sarah.

My maternal grandmother was French. I loved listening to some of her pronunciations of English words. My favorite was potato .....pahdado.

"Highway robbery." Anytime she saw the price of anything.

“Why don’t you children go and watch Rumpus Room”

To the DL youngsters , “Romper Room” was a children’s tv show around the time of Howdy Doody…google it…she could never get the name straight

If you like my tits you’ll love my box

"There was just as much fucking in the old days, we just didn't talk about it".

"You're gonna eat me out of house and home!" "Talking to [x] is like talking to the wall." "It's like shoveling shit against the tide." "I don't want to throw bouquets at myself, but I look good for my age." "I'm getting ol'. "

My mother's mother was about 5'5," beautiful, divorced from my grandfather and had a dynamic career and an active social life. My father's mother was 5'-0" on a good day. She was pretty, and she worked, but she was still married and more of a homebody. Naturally, as soon as I could talk, I dubbed one "Big Grandma" and the other "Little Grandma." If I said I was on the phone with Grandma, my mom would ask "Big or Little?" They both embraced their nicknames, especially my maternal grandmother who signed her cards to me for the rest of her life as "BBG" aka "Big Beautiful Grandma."

If you were being a pain, she'd emphatically address you as "Thorn!" i.e. "a thorn in my side"

When you already asked a question but didn't like the answer: "The Oz has spoken. Not the ass, the Oz."

Instead of "son of a bitch" it would be "Ah, ya sister's ass." Especially when she was driving.

“Hold my beer while I get my banjo”.

Get your hand out of my purse you little asshole

Get your hand out of my puss and asshole

Fags

Put the lid down on the toilet seat and flush! No one wants to see your business!

This thread sounds like bingo night in The Villages