Let's be a 1990s Lifetime Movie

I'm the woman in danger.

I’m the naive girl enticed by the pimp

I’m the misty soft focus photography and synth string music.

I'm Canada but let's pretend I'm not

I'm the protagonist's white Keds.

I’m the brassy blonde hair on Meredith Baxter Birney’s head, in desperate need of a toner

I’m the station wagon or minivan that the unfaithful wife will drive to her trysts.

I'm the babysitter

I'm the hip inner city apartment with moody lighting and a glass brick wall.

I'm the friend that says, "But how much do you REALLY know about him, anyway?"

I’m the film’s score, HEAVY on saxophone.

I'm the kitchen window, the female protagonist is always looking through me, lost in thought, while doing the dishes

I'm the secret flip phone our protagonist finds in the pocket of her husband's leather jacket.

I'm the youngest child, demonstrating my wholesomeness by finishing my glass of milk, grabbing a piece of fruit from the basket, and kissing my mother on the cheek before running off to play outside.

I don't know that my mother's cheek had just been buried between the thighs of my mother's secret lesbian lover. My older sister is suspicious, though, and she glares at our mother before popping her gum like a punk and walking outside to meet her boyfriend.

I'm the clunky title. I'm probably something like "Rage in Heaven: The Nancy Rodriguez O' Connell Story"

I’m Patty Duke, and I refuse to give up hope. My missing daughter is alive somewhere, I can feel it.

I’m the star of “Mother May I Sleep with Danger?” I currently live in an RV with my portly, Hapsburg-esque spawn.

I'm Joanna Kerns

I'm the mix-and-match ethnicities of the two cops who come to the house.

I'm the genuine film stock that makes these cheapo movies look better than today's films with multimillion dollar budgets.

I'm the 16-year-old protagonist styled like a 38-year-old mother of three.

I'm Christmas.

I'm the breast cancer diagnosis, followed by the violent rape.

I'm teen pregnancy

I'm Candace Cameron Bure.

I am the "very special appearance" by Katherine Helmond!

I'm Kellie Martin's agent, working to convince the producers that my client can "elevate" the material.

I'm the budget.

I'm the cheesy situation comedy actors they got in the lead and keep advertising because no one else will watch:

"Murderous Lovers, starring PAUL REISER and PATRICIA RICHARDSON!!!! Friday at 7!"

I'm the ugly androgynous husband of the female lead. I wear as much make up as Tammy Faye. And look like I had my hair styled by someone at a beauty school. All women tell my wife that I'm gorgeous and a great catch. And they never believe her when she finds out about my misdeeds.

I'm domestic violence.

I’m Ken Olin. Ever since Robert Urich passed away I am the handsome husband with a DARK side!