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Have you ever realistically considered how long you want to live?

Of course provided that nothing happens to you and you are able to ultimately die from old age. I am nearing the 50 year mark and it's something that has crossed my mind. There is this shift where you realize that the future stops feeling limitless - even though logically we know it isn't. You realize you no longer have the possibility to be a ton of different versions of yourself. I see babies now and think, wow, I won't be around when they get close to the age I am now. The future is no longer belongs to me or my generation with at least three generations underneath me now.

My husband and my mother are the two people closest to me. I have an older brother and two younger half siblings and a nephew. My husband is nine years older than me. I just know the passing of my mother will be one of the toughest things I am going to go through in my life. I kind of live in fear of it even though I know it's inevitable. She is 75 now and knowing I most likely have less than twenty years left with her and that's if I'm lucky. When you can put a number on it, it's sobering. And if things go their natural course I might be in my early to mid eighties when I lose my husband.

I don't want to live a long time much after that just mourning the loss of people I have loved. I know at that age I will never successfully recover or be able to move on from such a lifetime loss. I don't think I would want to. The pain would be too much. So with the choices I have made, having an older husband, not having kids, and being close to only those two people in my life, I am guessing I'll be good to go around 86, or 87. Which is sobering too, because when I was a kid, I wanted to live past 100. Not so much now.

by Anonymousreply 49May 27, 2023 12:41 PM

Look at it thisbway OP, you all will meet in the afterlife forever. This life prepares us for the next life which will never end. Faith, religion makes death feel less final.

by Anonymousreply 1May 25, 2023 10:29 PM

Stop worrying about you might or might not do in a future that may or may not come.

Live in the now. You have neither knowledge or control over what's coming.

by Anonymousreply 2May 25, 2023 10:36 PM

This life is all there is, so I want to enjoy every minute up until I cannot. If I live into a reasonably healthy, doddering old age, I will think myself lucky, because my dad died at 60.

However, if I am afflicted with dementia, or some other debilitating ailment, then I will throw all caution to he wind and indulge in all the unhealthy habits I want to, in the hope that they will kill me before I lose my marbles or feel a great deal of pain.

Right now, I think a nice heart attack at eighty would do me nicely, but I may feel differently as I get closer to that age!

by Anonymousreply 3May 25, 2023 10:36 PM

R1 - do you really believe that? I would love to think there's something after but the more one realizes how insignificant they are the less I believe there's really a grand plan or anything is truly connected forever.

by Anonymousreply 4May 25, 2023 10:39 PM

Yes. A LONG time.

by Anonymousreply 5May 25, 2023 10:40 PM

Op what if you get hit by an oncoming car tomorrow?

by Anonymousreply 6May 25, 2023 10:55 PM

I'm 58 now. I'd like to die peacefully in my sleep at 80, please.

by Anonymousreply 7May 25, 2023 11:06 PM

Yeah I agree with r7.

I'm hitting 50 in September OP, like you I've had the same thoughts. A friend that I can speak to freely about these sort of things feels similarly. 80 seems to be the upper limit at this time. He and I are the same age and also single and childless. Perhaps it's a symptom of our generation; Gen X tend to be nihilistic.

Moreover, in practical terms, I don't know that I'll have enough money to live longer than that. While I've been diligent about saving for retirement it's still not going to be enough.

Luckily I live in Canada so I can off myself at any time.

by Anonymousreply 8May 25, 2023 11:18 PM

I've spent a lot of time recently contemplating this question too, OP. My mother just passed two weeks shy of her 91st birthday, and it was a blessing. She had advanced dementia and it terrified me, my husband, my brother, his wife, and my sister (who was her primary care giver) to think what she would have done without all of us to care for her, and it took us all. The toll on my saintly sister has been the heaviest.

My brother and his wife have their kids, but me, hubby and my sister will be on our own. And dementia runs in the families (hubby's mother passed at 92 in a memory care facility on the other side of the country closer to his brother; his aunt also lived into her mid-90s with dementia; my grandmother died in her late 80s after a long, horrible battle, and my aunt (94!) on my mother's side also had it but died from Covid she acquired in her nursing home). They were all in pretty good shape until their mid/late 80s, so I guess there's your answer.

I do not want to go through what my mother just did, nor do I want to end up warehoused in a nursing home. Hubby (65) and I (58) have discussed a plan and will prepare when the time comes, but he's had to tell me on several occasions in the last six weeks to focus on the here and now.

by Anonymousreply 9May 26, 2023 12:10 AM

I'm 44, and I have sufficient.

by Anonymousreply 10May 26, 2023 12:12 AM

85 is good, 90 tops. Granny is 89.

by Anonymousreply 11May 26, 2023 12:16 AM

[quote]I am nearing the 50 year mark

Bouncing back to it, are ya, honey?

by Anonymousreply 12May 26, 2023 12:19 AM

54 now and hoping lightning strikes by 68.

by Anonymousreply 13May 26, 2023 12:24 AM

R13 hoping it strikes you within the next 24 hrs

by Anonymousreply 14May 26, 2023 12:25 AM

I’m 63. From what I’ve seen of people over 80, I don’t want to be around much longer than that. I don’t have kids and don’t want to burden my nieces and nephews. I hope assisted suicide makes it to my state by then; otherwise hope I have enough money left for a last vacation splurge to Switzerland, to go on my own terms.

I try to enjoy the time I have now; it honestly doesn’t take much to make me happy. I feel lucky to be here and relatively healthy.

by Anonymousreply 15May 26, 2023 12:48 AM

According to the Seattle Heart Failure model, a longevity calculator, I can expect to live to be 84.5 which sounded fairly precise. I am shocked when I read the obituary page to see how many people live past 90.

But who knows? A friend died of a stroke in the surf somewhere in the South Pacific on vacation with her family when she was in her 80's. I can't think of a better way to go but wonder if she'd agree.

by Anonymousreply 16May 26, 2023 1:01 AM

I recently got investigated for leukemia and when I was disappointed not to have it, I knew I'd had enough.

by Anonymousreply 17May 26, 2023 1:06 AM

I'm 55 and in reasonably good health with medication, but don't really want to live much past my mid 70's.

Luckily because of my because of my health conditions I can end it when I choose, it would take 3 extra pills not to wake up in the morning.

by Anonymousreply 18May 26, 2023 1:17 AM

R9 my mother has dementia and i am caring for her at the moment. She is starting to have hallucinations and thinks people are breaking in and stealing "decorative " stuff. After seeing the anxiety of her mind. I am never going to quit smoking so hopefully i will off myself before dementia happens

by Anonymousreply 19May 26, 2023 1:23 AM

What are you taking, R18?

by Anonymousreply 20May 26, 2023 1:24 AM

I’m not sure it’s productive to bargain about it, as in “It’ll be okay with me if I die at 80.” You need to be ready to die NOW. Last week, seven people died in a van-and-two-semis accident near here.

You need to be ready. Update your will, prepare directives about the end-of-life measures you do and don’t want doctors to take, throw out anything you don’t want your executor to find.

Then Be. Here. Now.

Nothing about the above argues for eating unhealthily or FOR it. You choose. But I can tell you from my experience (turning 70 next month), there’s nothing quite like preparing to walk my third half-marathon in October while the obese people I know are having gall bladders removed and calling it “arthritis” when they can’t walk 20 yards unsupported to go down and stand and gaze at the Pacific Ocean.

by Anonymousreply 21May 26, 2023 1:38 AM

I’m the person who said I’m 63 and I will be happy to live until 80. I have a will and a living will in place with advance directives; I also realized I have to stop collecting things and start downsizing. If I die tomorrow, so be it:

by Anonymousreply 22May 26, 2023 1:49 AM

I will start thinking about it at 90. But if I am diagnosed with dementia I plan to end it early, I might have to write myself a note to remind myself but that's my plan.

by Anonymousreply 23May 26, 2023 1:58 AM

In my mid-20s, I feel like my life doesn't have an endless youth anymore. I'm noticing my body changing from a wonderfully-healing body that stays young to an adult body that scars, my eyebags are pronounced, and my bone structure has gotten bigger (but I've also gained too much weight from the never-ending lockdown). Not to mention severe insomnia. You all are much more stronger than I am, I don't think I could handle becoming elderly. I'd like to make it to around 50 and let my hereditary coronary stuff get me then. As someone who grew up in a simple childhood to a complex, digital adult life riddled with political divide and accepted sexual deviance, I feel like I'd had sufficient myself.

Life has lost its twinkle to me at THIS stage in my life. I really fear how droning and lame life will be in my later years. I expect a lot of sadness, and probably famine. Because climate change is going *KNOCK KNOCK* and seething its tentacles through the door.

by Anonymousreply 24May 26, 2023 2:39 AM

[quote]Have you ever realistically considered how long you want to live?

No, but I have often considered how long I want other people to live.

by Anonymousreply 25May 26, 2023 2:49 AM

[quote]What are you taking, [R18]?

Not R18, but it’s almost certainly a synthetic opioid like fentanyl; I can’t think of anything else prescribed where 3 extra pills can kill you, unless it’s for veterinary use only.

by Anonymousreply 26May 26, 2023 3:59 AM

Long life runs in my family, both sides. Only one grandparent or great-grandparent had dementia – my paternal grandmother. All the others died in their late 90s and early 100s.

Dad is 83 and Mom is 80. Both have had health scares, but not recently. Dad developed anemia due to a bleeding ulcer, which was fixed, and he's back to usual. Mom had blood clots in her lungs a decade ago; they resolved and she's been on anticoagulants since.

I'm 58 with a teenage daughter. My main concern is not that I'll die painfully, but that I won't have enough saved to retire and enjoy what's left of life. I'd like to live to 80, after which a go-to-bed-and-not-wake-up death can come. I already have a pact with my best friend that if either of us turns into a demented plop, we will assist the other with a medical suicide. That'd suck if she goes first. I won't have another person to help me.

by Anonymousreply 27May 26, 2023 4:20 AM

I don't know, I think I'd want to live forever if my life was good and peaceful. Thinking about it freaks me out a lot, at 30 I feel like time is falling down the pit at light speed

by Anonymousreply 28May 26, 2023 5:20 AM

R6, read my first sentence.

by Anonymousreply 29May 26, 2023 5:38 AM

R26 R20 Nope, not an opoid. It's Bisoprolol a Beta Blocker, for very high blood pressure.

My standard dose is very high at 20mg, if I upped it to 80mg my heart would stop beating.

by Anonymousreply 30May 26, 2023 7:29 AM

Dad died a drunk of kidney failure, penniless- every single life insurance policy expired- one six months before his death!.

Mom is in a dementia ward, and we planned and prepaid her funeral and rearranged her estate years ago because of what happened with dad.

Brother and I split 20 years taking care of mom and all I’ll say is she is on some kind angel list- because things could’ve turned out so badly for her any other way without my brother and I at the helm. She was SO hateful, stubborn and wily about her finances, there were many times he and I wanted to just walk away and she would’ve wound up homeless and on the street.

There is an entire economy of scammers out there taking advantage of the elderly, frail and forgetful. Never mind the extended family that tried to take advantage of her dementia! I literally screamed at my cousin on the phone who had poured a.foundation for a mobile home on her rural property- with no permits, or letting my brother and I know.

What I have learned is you can plan as well as you can, but be aware the cards may not fall your way despite your best efforts. Anyone over 60 that has a sudden, unpredicted medical event, falls and breaks their hip, or needs serious abdominal surgery will get ground into the giant maw that is medical industry and there’s no guarantee you will extract yourself from it’s machinations the way you wanted.

I shudder to think what AI, and the economy will bring decades from now.

by Anonymousreply 31May 26, 2023 8:01 AM

R14, R13 here. What's up with your response? I don't get it.

by Anonymousreply 32May 26, 2023 10:29 AM

I'm 44 with stage 4 cancer. Statistically I should have died around 9 months after diagnosis. I'm still here and doing pretty well 3 years later, although chemo sucks ass. I'm still *relatively* young and I'm not planning on giving up yet. Knowing the odds against me, I'd settle for 5 years. Although when the 5 years come to an end, I imagine I'd want to extend it. Barring a miracle, I'm never going to live to be 80, or even 60. If I make 50 I'll be having the party of the century and you're all invited.

by Anonymousreply 33May 26, 2023 10:39 AM

R33 I’m so sorry. I admire your outlook. You probably know this, but with a diagnosis like yours you may be able to draw from any life insurance policies and use those funds for your care and comfort right now. I have a few policies that offer that feature, and I would make use of those funds to ensure that I had anything I wanted if my time was so limited.

by Anonymousreply 34May 26, 2023 10:52 AM

I turned 71 in April.

A physical that included X-rays, EMGs, an MRI and a stress test found Spinal Stenosis, Osteoarthritis, kidney disease and a heart blockage.

I’m dealing with them one by one, but it’s a struggle.

by Anonymousreply 35May 26, 2023 11:12 AM

[quote] Stop worrying about you might or might not do in a future that may or may not come. Live in the now. You have neither knowledge or control over what's coming.

I don’t get this mentality. As others have mentioned above, you have to think about how you’re going to provide for yourself once you’re too old to work. The majority of Americans don’t have enough in savings/investments to provide for the kind of lifestyle they are used to after retirement. It’s already presumed by a lot of retirement calculators that you’ll keep working until you’re 70. For those of us who don’t have family/kids to rely on it’s even more of a priority to have enough money. To live an average middle class lifestyle you need like a million+ in savings. And that wouldn’t cover anything extra like travel.

Once you hit a certain age, you have to plan. You’re crazy if you don’t. My mom was broke as hell throughout her life and the older she got the more stressful it became and that was with me and my sister helping out financially as much as we could afford to. She eventually moved back to her hometown in the Midwest where at least thanks to Medicaid, she spent her final years in a safe environmentIf in a nice facility. If she had stayed in the city where she had been living she would have ended up in a hellhole.

by Anonymousreply 36May 26, 2023 11:18 AM

[quote]I hope assisted suicide makes it to my state by then

Couldn't you just go to a state that has it? Or just register your address there?

In related news, Nevada just passed assisted dying law. I'm sure this will continue to expand over the following decades just like cannabis, unless a conservative Supreme Court puts an end to it.

by Anonymousreply 37May 26, 2023 11:28 AM

I'm torn. Sometimes I want to live a long life because of all the things I feel I've missed out on. My genetics are a mixed bag, though - my grandfathers only lived to 40 and 60, while my grandmothers lived to 85 and 100.

by Anonymousreply 38May 26, 2023 11:54 AM

No, but I frequently consider how long I want others to live. Spoiler, not much.

by Anonymousreply 39May 26, 2023 12:02 PM

OP here. I have longevity in my genes too. One granddad lived to 99, grandma to 98 and other grandma to 91. It’s not the medical issues and getting older that give me pause. Although I know they will be there. It’s the years of missing the people I love most while struggling with all of those issues on my own. I know something could happen to me tomorrow that would make all this a moot point. But in the natural course of events, by the time I hit 80, 83, I will be all by myself. And I know I will be in great emotional pain.

I have lived a very good life - meaning I’ve always had love in my life whether it’s from family or my husband. We have lived an unconventional life and have enjoyed ourselves together, pursuing our own happiness - very much living in the moment as others have said. This doesn’t always mean having money. Sometimes the times we didn’t have anything, the times that freaked us out then, we look back on fondly this side of them. I decided a while ago no matter what, he’s my one and I am his. We’ve been together 26 years. That’s just been our life. We are each other’s best friend. When he’s gone, when my mom is gone, I just don’t know if I’d want to live in that world for a long period of time.

When it comes to the basics of what life is about, love, fulfillment, I have been very fortunate. So I don’t feel like I’d be leaving anything on the table when two major parts of my life long happiness are gone if I go shortly after.

by Anonymousreply 40May 26, 2023 12:19 PM

Frankly, almost all of the people closest to me in life have already died.

by Anonymousreply 41May 26, 2023 12:23 PM

R37 It's my understanding that most assisted suicide plans in the US are to help people who have been diagnosed with a terminal illness die faster, rather than letting the disease run its course. They're (unfortunately) not for elderly, but otherwise healthy people who've made an informed decision that it's time to go.

Though if anyone knows of a place where the latter option is available, please post.

by Anonymousreply 42May 26, 2023 12:48 PM

R42, Jumping from tall buildings is currently quite popular, especially in NYC.

by Anonymousreply 43May 26, 2023 1:07 PM

The question could also be: "how long do you think you will live a healthy life, before illness and old age bears down?" One thing I know after dealing with my parents and many others is that rarely do healthy people go to sleep and just not wake up. My father actually thought that would happen to him. That is death's version of a fairy tale. Most have a long illness and quality of life declines. So many of us will develop Alzheimers. I know I will...I can feel fleeting previews of it in my thinking...it's like a brief teaser trailer for a movie that ends with: "Coming: Summer 2041."

My husband is 15 years younger than I. He is convinced he will die before I do and that may be for the best because he will not do well without me. Assuming that happens and assuming I am still healthy, I will see how it goes. I will either:

1) Move closer to a friend and have a reasonably fulfilling old age 2) Move in with my single straight brother (if he is still alive) and we will turn into the Collier Brothers 3) Become an old hot mess like Ramon Novarro, spending money on booze, pills, and hustlers

The only way you can really take control of a serious, degenerative decline in your health is by offing yourself. Always an option, though not one I relish.

My parents both died at 86. They were both thin but my mother had smoked for 45 years and my father for 25. It took its toll as it always does. They also both developed Alzheimers...my mother displayed symptoms at 83 and my father at 80. They had it before then but did a good job of hiding it.

My father often told me "I have lived too long." He had always felt he was going to die young because his parents died at 66 or 67 and his brothers and sisters died fairly young.

I smoked for 15 years and heart disease will probably get me. But it's not a done deal because my father lived on red meat and dairy and never had a problem with heart disease. All that being said, I will probably live until about 89. I am not sure what kind of condition I will be in, but that is my guess.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 44May 26, 2023 1:36 PM

I'n my family dying in your sleep is sort of the default on my Dads side, we all have genetic Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. Three Uncle's, four Aunt's, my Dad and my Gran all managed it between the ages of 60 and 74. My Dad was the 60 year old.

by Anonymousreply 45May 26, 2023 4:24 PM

I've always been surprised by how long dying people want to hang on. Sure, not all of them, and I'm talking about the terminal event itself, not one's gradual decline or instant (stroke/cardiac/trauma, etc) demise.

It's both amazing and harrowing to see people whose time has come suffering by trying to beat the reaper just a little longer.

by Anonymousreply 46May 26, 2023 4:28 PM

[quote] You need to be ready. Update your will, prepare directives about the end-of-life measures you do and don’t want doctors to take, throw out anything you don’t want your executor to find.

Why would I care about my executor finding anything? I’ll be dead! One of the nice things about being dead is not having to worry about people finding out that you don’t like them, or that you DO like porn. In fact, I’ve often thought it would be nice to leave a map to non-existent treasure, or some ominous indications of a mysterious double life to make myself seem less humdrum!

by Anonymousreply 47May 26, 2023 4:32 PM

[quote]One of the nice things about being dead is not having to worry about people finding out that you don’t like them, or that you DO like porn.

Can I have your stuff, R47?

by Anonymousreply 48May 26, 2023 5:01 PM

[quote] Frankly, almost all of the people closest to me in life have already died.

Have you been cleared by the police?

by Anonymousreply 49May 27, 2023 12:41 PM
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