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Will relationships be a thing of the past?

I am a 41 year-old attorney. I’m 6’4”, weigh about 240 lbs, I go to the gym regularly, my body fat % ranges between 23-26% according to my scale.

I have never had a relationship before. None of the girls I liked in high school were into me.

In my 20s, I lived in LA. I was hopelessly heartbroken over a straight best friend, but I never found anyone to take my mind off of him. I guess I also knew that until I made more money and/or got a better body, I was never going to be good enough for anybody I’d be really interested in.

I didn’t start hooking up with guys more until I was in my mid-thirties, but I’d always get bored quickly, I’d never do anal, I could never come from oral sex, and the guys weren’t interested in seeing me afterwards.

At this point, I have to ask myself — what do I want a relationship for? I know that reality is different from fantasy, but I kind of suppose if I had been interested in anything “real,” I would have found it by now. I guess I’m not interested in anything “real,” only surface and fantasy. But I shouldn’t have had to become a lawyer first before finding a relationship. Even if I found someone I’m really interested in that’s also interested in me, if it took becoming a lawyer first, how will I ever take such a relationship seriously if I was not good enough before becoming a lawyer?

At this point, I’m just jaded. I want my OWN kids, I want an egg donor and surrogate. Let’s be honest, the people I find attractive, I’m not what they want, and anybody who’d be interested in me, they’re not what I want.

But how common is this going to be in the future? Keeping up with appearances, making money, struggling to keep my body in shape, etc? With all this hard work, how does ANYBODY a ever end up together? How do people stay satisfied with each other?

I say, people should save their love for their seed, stop looking for relationships (because relationships with good partners, good catches are for privileged people).

by Anonymousreply 138April 8, 2023 12:50 AM

I have been with my boyfriend 15 years and we still have our own houses. The first few years I wanted to be with him every night, now I am happy to just spend the weekends with him. I am glad I never sold my place and moved in with him. I met him when I was 40 and now that I am 55 I like my alone time way more. Good luck OP but I don't know if children are the answer, they can be big problems too.

by Anonymousreply 1March 26, 2023 6:53 AM

i would maybe encourage you to see a therapist, or if that sounds too overwhelming. take a look into the oceans of youtube content related to CPTSD.

by Anonymousreply 2March 26, 2023 7:04 AM

Kids are a lot of work without a partner to share the responsibility with. Maybe you can find a female friend, preferably a lesbian who wants to have a kid. Offer to donate your sperm. That way you can have a child with a genetic link to you without having to be a full-time dad.

by Anonymousreply 3March 26, 2023 7:06 AM

Is OP the same 40 something attorney who posted a few weeks ago and said he's socially awkward and therefore black people are biologically less intelligent?

I think it is.

OP - you're an asshole with no social skills, compassion or understanding of human nature and societal issues. That's your problem.

Case closed. You are the problem.

by Anonymousreply 4March 26, 2023 7:08 AM

why do you want to have a kid? if you can't treat yourself with optimism and compassion and respect and love, how can you be a healthy role model for a child? Seriously think about that.

Look at the language you use towards yourself.

Where did you learn it?

How can you start to unlearn it?

And once you unlearn it, what do you choose to replace it with?

You gave us a lot in that first post. A lot more than you realized. Im telling you now that the changes you seek, and the happiness, won't be achieved with a child, or a gorgeous husband, or the orgasm to end all orgasms.

you need to get better with you.

by Anonymousreply 5March 26, 2023 7:15 AM

You seem to think being a lawyer is a big deal.

by Anonymousreply 6March 26, 2023 7:21 AM

Autism?

by Anonymousreply 7March 26, 2023 8:11 AM

R6 I didn’t read it that way. I think OP is just saying he’s wealthy and intelligent - something many people find desirable in a partner.

by Anonymousreply 8March 26, 2023 8:11 AM

OP sounds like a real narcissists. I am rich, good looking, a total catch, why am I the victim! If I am single, it couldn't be me, it must be them.

by Anonymousreply 9March 26, 2023 8:18 AM

R9, no, I’m acknowledging that it’s fundamentally me, and I learn to accept it. What I’m saying is that I shouldn’t have had to become a lawyer first. If I wasn’t good enough before becoming a lawyer, I don’t think being a lawyer is substantially going to change my dating outcomes.

by Anonymousreply 10March 26, 2023 4:20 PM

Other people have a very different temperament and emotional inner life than you do OP, they don't view the world in such transactional or acquisitive terms.

by Anonymousreply 11March 26, 2023 4:23 PM

OP, it’s very clear you’re a lawyer. You’re negotiating with yourself. Finding a relationship is messy, hard work. Totally worth it if that’s what you want, but if you expect all the compromise to fall to the other person it’s never going to work.

by Anonymousreply 12March 26, 2023 4:30 PM

In general, I would only want to be in a relationship with somebody that OTHER people would want. But I also understand that I’m not necessarily compatible with such a person.

I guess I’d rather be single than be with someone I felt I was “settling” for.

by Anonymousreply 13March 26, 2023 4:31 PM

R12, I haven’t even got to the point with anyone where I have an opportunity to compromise.

by Anonymousreply 14March 26, 2023 4:32 PM

7 years married - now with dog - and still very much in love. 🥰

by Anonymousreply 15March 26, 2023 4:34 PM

I was in a relationship for over thirty years when he died. Soul crushing but I'm glad to have had that.

by Anonymousreply 16March 26, 2023 4:37 PM

Yeah, it’s official. OP is a total wackadoodle. He doesn’t actually want to be in a relationship. He doesn’t have the maturity to even own a dog.

by Anonymousreply 17March 26, 2023 4:42 PM

R17, I’m a cat person, not a dog person. Dogs bark, they stink, they poop, they jump up on people, they sniff people’s crotches…

by Anonymousreply 18March 26, 2023 4:44 PM

OP, please seek therapy. This is a diagram of really disturbed beliefs and assumptions. You have made generalizations about all gay men that are near insane - following some axiom that men you like don’t like you, while yiu don’t like men who like you.

And to avoid actual humans who have agency sbd freedom, you will essentially procure a child. What if your “seed” turns out to be disabled or just don’t like you?

Stop. Plenty of people have been given far less life, opportunity, and fortune. Get your act together.

by Anonymousreply 19March 26, 2023 4:44 PM

[quote]How do people stay satisfied with each other?

They compromise, both with each other and with their partner. Doing this within the context of a long-term relationship means learning to conquer your ego. R12 and others have hit the nail on the head.

by Anonymousreply 20March 26, 2023 4:44 PM

[quote]They compromise, both with each other and with their partner

Oh, dear. Should've been "with themselves and with their partner."

by Anonymousreply 21March 26, 2023 4:45 PM

As with most things, you have to want it. Frankly, I think a lot of gays don’t want a relationship and use it as an excuse to be non-commital. On the other hand, some seem to find the right words person right away.

by Anonymousreply 22March 26, 2023 4:48 PM

Right person *

by Anonymousreply 23March 26, 2023 4:49 PM

I’ve seen a statistic that over 50% of gay men over 40 are single. What does that say about the general long term compatibility of most gay men?

by Anonymousreply 24March 26, 2023 4:58 PM

Attorneys are difficult to date. Long, late hours, lots of leaving early, arriving late, postponing, rebooking and canceling.

by Anonymousreply 25March 26, 2023 4:58 PM

Plus they’re assholes. R25

by Anonymousreply 26March 26, 2023 5:52 PM

OP doesn't want a partner, he wants an exclusive fuck buddy.

by Anonymousreply 27March 26, 2023 5:56 PM

R27, you may be right.

by Anonymousreply 28March 26, 2023 7:17 PM

Maybe if you focus on non-sexual things you have in common, OP.

by Anonymousreply 29March 27, 2023 2:22 AM

As suggested above, the OP needs to acquire the skills to attract the partner he wants. A good therapist or dating coach would help a lot. I'm sure I don't have to tell him to set definite goals with the therapist or coach and make sure the counselling stays on track. The best counsellor for him would be one who would do an objective analysis and tell him some hard truths, not one who would offer lots of sympathy without holding him to a plan for change.

With regard to a relationship, you have to value the benefits enough to put up with the limitations and drawbacks. The older you get, staying single, the more self-sufficient, inflexible and selfish you become, and correspondingly less willing and able to compromise. (If you don't like walking in a downpour and picking up poop, don't get a dog.)

Good luck, OP. You've already shown you can set goals and achieve them, you can do this.

by Anonymousreply 30March 27, 2023 3:06 AM

The fraudulent myth that relationships, husbands, kids, career success are the requirements/goals of life needs to be blown up. Never been happier than when not partnered, never had kids and so grateful i dodged the bullet seeing so many deeply troubled/troubling child rearing experiences/results, and other than the money I saved, “career success” is a meaningless fiction glamorized/factionalized by American media and marketing.

by Anonymousreply 31March 27, 2023 5:02 AM

R31, I wouldn’t say I’m “happy.” I’m not unhappy, just kind of bored, and kind of disappointed that there’s nothing more exciting on the horizon,

The guys I hooked up with in my 30s, none of those hookups were as exciting for me as the times my beautiful best friend, who I was desperately in love with in my 20s, would allow me to massage him.

And honestly, I don’t expect to find anything I enjoy that much. Whoever I meet, I’m always going to have that earlier moment of excitement to compare it to.

by Anonymousreply 32March 28, 2023 6:53 AM

OP is a EST straight retard and should kill himself.

by Anonymousreply 33March 28, 2023 6:59 AM

Dude wasn't straight that you were crushing on. He just couldn't deal with someone who WANTED to be a lawyer.

by Anonymousreply 34March 28, 2023 9:44 AM

OP Maybe you are bad at sex. Not joking. Nobody is staying with someone who is lousy in bed and sadly most bad lays don't know that's the problem. Also you sound like a drama queen. Hope that helps. You're welcome.

by Anonymousreply 35March 28, 2023 9:48 AM

OP is going to turn his brats into social media props. He can't maintain a grown up relationship and thinks kids are his next best thing. Also known as an Anderson.

by Anonymousreply 36March 28, 2023 10:06 AM

OP, having kids is hard enough even with a spouse or partner. They're a joy too, and I hope you find someone to share that with. Believe me those nights when they're sick or God forbid have a serious illness, requires support. When they are teenagers its not always a walk in the park either. I hope you find someone to share that with.

by Anonymousreply 37March 28, 2023 10:44 AM

You'll find someone, OP. You're only 41, it'll happen.

by Anonymousreply 38March 28, 2023 10:48 AM

[quote]I was hopelessly heartbroken over a straight best friend, but I never found anyone to take my mind off of him.

This is why OP. Do something about that and you'll be lighter and happier.

by Anonymousreply 39March 28, 2023 11:14 AM

OP, it's you. I work with a guy who's divorced, estranged from his own children and mother/siblings, but according to him, he doesn't understand why. Meanwhile, those of us who work with him, know why. He's very much a selfish, narcissist with sporadic addiction problems, who doesn't see the fault in his own actions as it relates to his relationship with others. He's an extremely good looking guy too, one I would definitely hook up with, but not with his baggage. It's never about looks and success it seems, because complete losers can hook up while others who think they're the bomb end up single.

by Anonymousreply 40March 28, 2023 12:34 PM

why do you want children? Eeeeeew.

by Anonymousreply 41March 28, 2023 12:57 PM

[quote]I didn’t start hooking up with guys more until I was in my mid-thirties, but I’d always get bored quickly, I’d never do anal, I could never come from oral sex, and the guys weren’t interested in seeing me afterwards.

Just to confirm - you do see the correlation between getting bored and never doing anal and never coming during oral - as well as the correlation between the aforementioned and the guys not being interested in seeing you afterwards, right?

by Anonymousreply 42March 28, 2023 1:15 PM

[quote]You seem to think being a lawyer is a big deal.

Which is odd, because lawyers aren't know for their egos.

by Anonymousreply 43March 28, 2023 1:26 PM

known*

by Anonymousreply 44March 28, 2023 1:26 PM

OP, go to a therapist, seriously.

by Anonymousreply 45March 28, 2023 1:50 PM

OP, you won't find someone until you find yourself.

by Anonymousreply 46March 28, 2023 1:57 PM

OP, R12 here. Commit and practice compromise BEFORE you meet the guy you want to give a shot. Rehearse!

by Anonymousreply 47March 28, 2023 4:09 PM

R42, yeah, I don’t see how I can find a relationship or how I’d benefit from one if I can’t even enjoy sex.

by Anonymousreply 48March 28, 2023 4:40 PM

R47, I found that when I did compromise (this person isn’t that good looking, but I’ll hook up with him anyway), I really didn’t enjoy the hookup.

There were only three guys, all twinks, who I hooked up with that I genuinely enjoyed being with and was genuinely turned on by, but I’d still eventually lose my arousal.

I don’t really have the desire to do anal sex, or at least not right away, and I’ve never found blow jobs to be particularly enjoyable. I’ve only had three. The first one was kind of uncomfortable, the second one, I couldn’t even stay hard. The third one was only mildly pleasant but never “OMG.”

by Anonymousreply 49March 28, 2023 4:46 PM

If a relationship is important to you, don't give up hope. Things can and do happen at the most unexpected moment. Don't listen to any of the nastiness that creeps through DL when people make themselves vulnerable.

by Anonymousreply 50March 28, 2023 5:27 PM

OP, Sounds like Star Jones who had to let us all know that she was a Lawyer.

by Anonymousreply 51March 28, 2023 6:32 PM

"If I wasn’t good enough before becoming a lawyer, I don’t think being a lawyer is substantially going to change my dating outcomes."

Honey, nobody ever said that you weren't good enough to be in a relationship, except *yourself*.

Seriously, from what you've written, you're a mess when it comes to sex and romance. You don't seem to like sex very much, you have serious self-esteem issues, and you repeatedly say that you really want someone who'll impress others and don't even mention the possibility of love or someone who'll make you happy. And BTW, the fact that you don't seem capable of loving another human or forming a loving or even friendly relationship means that you would be one shitty-ass parent. Don't reproduce.

by Anonymousreply 52March 28, 2023 7:50 PM

OP, if you don't like anal and can't come with oral, what exactly are you bringing to the sexual sweepstakes?

Then there's this: You say you don't want to just settle, that you want someone that other people would want. That's fairly messed up.

I can't decide if you're just screwing around with us or are in need of some sessions on a psychiatrist's couch.

by Anonymousreply 53March 28, 2023 8:14 PM

OP, do you have any reason to want a long-term relationship, than to impress others by having "someone that other people would want"?

If that's so, you don't want a lover or even a friend, you want a beard. Look for a female gold-digger who would be happy to marry you and spend your money, without having to put out! It's a gold-digger's dream, particularly one who's getting a little to old for straight men! You're 45, wouldn't a wife aged 35-45 be good for your career? Of course she would!

by Anonymousreply 54March 28, 2023 8:23 PM

[quote] Is OP the same 40 something attorney who posted a few weeks ago and said he's socially awkward and therefore black people are biologically less intelligent?

If so, maybe we now know what the loathsome, grease-fire-deserving Matt-fatso does for a living

by Anonymousreply 55March 28, 2023 8:31 PM

Hi, it's you. You're the problem, it's you.

by Anonymousreply 56March 28, 2023 8:43 PM

Op you really sound as though you could benefit from therapy.

by Anonymousreply 57March 28, 2023 8:52 PM

You sound like a truly terrible person OP and it's not because you've got a few extra pounds. You didn't hook up with a man until your mid thirties? You aren't interested in anyone who is interested in you? Concerned with "keeping up appearances" and all the "hard work" you do just to be fat? You are a homophobe and there are other elements of your post that indicate a lack of empathy, perhaps from psychopathy or autism. Please do not have children. You are exclusively focused on what you're getting from a relationship, not on what you're giving. You are incapable of love. Stay away from others.

by Anonymousreply 58March 28, 2023 9:00 PM

Swear on your unborn baby's eyes that you're not trolling, OP, please.

Then we can talk.

You sound authentic, but we have so many Especially Solicitous Turncoats it's hard to tell without a potential curse being laid.

But I can ask, either way, share what your ideal situation would be, perhaps. And remember, 41 is young (except for being a single parent with a career).

by Anonymousreply 59March 28, 2023 9:06 PM

Looking at a human relationship as some kind of business transaction is deeply crazy.

by Anonymousreply 60March 28, 2023 9:08 PM

Therapy, OP.

You can afford it.

by Anonymousreply 61March 28, 2023 9:10 PM

One step away from being a gay incel.

I hope you don’t own any guns.

by Anonymousreply 62March 28, 2023 9:33 PM

OP - you are psychologically ill. IT's not about your looks and your perceived value on the meat market. You are sexually damaged and also there is a social disconnect.

It is highly likely that you are autistic.

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. You aren't well and children deserve well adjusted parents. It would be one thing if you accidentally fathered children. But you have a choice. If you choose to be a fucking narcissist and share your mental illness with children, your are a horrible person. Right now, you are just a neutral person who can't keep relationships and can't get pleasure in sex with others - because you have an odd mentality.

Why don't you fix your mentality, if it can be.

by Anonymousreply 63March 28, 2023 9:39 PM

Is your wanting children an ego trip? You want someone to look after you - or you want your "seed" as you call it to give you a legacy or some form of immortality?

If you really love children for their own sake, do you donate all you can to children's charities? Or volunteer to be a "big brother" or something like that.

But yeah, the best advice is therapy.

by Anonymousreply 64March 28, 2023 9:51 PM

No, relationships will not become a thing of the past, ever. People are social animals and there is that thing called love.

by Anonymousreply 65March 28, 2023 9:51 PM

OP, for half of my adult life, I was in a relationship. The other half of my adult like I've been single.

I much prefer the latter to the former. In fact, the thought of being in a relationship makes me ill. Giving up my cherished peace and quiet for the sake of a steady fuck? Not gonna happen!!!!

by Anonymousreply 66March 28, 2023 10:03 PM

Well you certainly should not have kids. You need a lot of therapy.

by Anonymousreply 67March 28, 2023 10:09 PM

R40, what's his social media contact? Asking for a friend.

by Anonymousreply 68March 28, 2023 10:15 PM

There isn't nearly enough Lexapro in my system to deal with the sadness of this thread.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 69March 28, 2023 10:20 PM

Not a big advocate of therapy, but OP should really get some ASAP.

There are plenty of happily-coupled gay men who aren't movie star handsome or lawyers or doctors or whatever.

Go on PReP and be a whore and get the sex part where you like it and are comfortable doing it. Cruise across a bar, at the gym, on the street, whereever.

Develop some interests....gay softball league, gay knitting club, liberal church, serve at a soup kitchen, political group, whatever.

In my day we always fucked first and then decided if it was worth a first date, and not just because the sex was good or okay or interesting, but because SOMETHING ELSE was also good or okay or interesting.

by Anonymousreply 70March 28, 2023 10:24 PM

R7/R63 my first thought was autism, as a virginal single adult who has ASD. It really does put up psychological & emotional blocks to forming and keeping relationships, that can look like crippling social anxiety or weird trauma of no obvious cause until you get a good look under the hood (assessment + therapy).

Sadly, I have no advice, as my diagnosis is recent and there isn't much support out there for ASD people over age 21. I'm still trying to work out how to make a friend and treat them right so they'll stick around. Though I've had friends, crushes and even a handful of people interested in dating me in the past, I have never responded in a socially comprehensible or normal way to any of them (though not on the level of OP's callousness, that's for sure), so of course those people were quick to leave me (and rightly so). I hope there's a future for me and OP, but if not then it's understandable.

by Anonymousreply 71March 28, 2023 11:16 PM

DataLoungers....Can you imagine a date with OP? He leads off with his BODY FAT %......He is one of "those" gays.

by Anonymousreply 72March 28, 2023 11:40 PM

R72 his entire opening spiel gives Patrick Bateman.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 73March 28, 2023 11:42 PM

[quote]You sound like a truly terrible person OP and it's not because you've got a few extra pounds. You didn't hook up with a man until your mid thirties?

Perhaps I'm missing something but is someone really saying that not hooking up with a man until your mid-thirties makes you a truly terrible person?

by Anonymousreply 74March 29, 2023 12:11 AM

R74 if that's true I'm pure fucking evil

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 75March 29, 2023 12:17 AM

He is a terrible person. Kill yourself, OP.

by Anonymousreply 76March 29, 2023 12:38 AM

OP, relationships are here to stay, but you’re probably not meant to be in one. You can’t be picky if you’re fat, bad in bed, and a lawyer. Being a lawyer means you are an immoral narcissist who will fuck over whomever it takes for your own benefit. It doesn’t sound like you want a relationship anyway, so just move on.

by Anonymousreply 77March 29, 2023 4:15 AM

This pile-on on the OP isn't fair. He clearly has self-esteem issues and sexual difficulties. Yes, it's a good idea to up your market value to attract a high value partner (getting a prestigious degree, increasing earning potential, getting fit). Yet there are people with few obvious assets who do find satisfactory relationships and happiness. They could be old, out of shape, have little education, not much money, but they compensate in other ways...compassion, tolerance, patience, affection, supportiveness, humour, passion, confidence, etc.

I echo the advice above that the OP seek personal counselling and a dating coach. And I also suggest that he seek sex therapy. Good sexual functioning is one of the joys of life and he's missing out.

by Anonymousreply 78March 29, 2023 9:36 AM

[quote] but they compensate in other ways...compassion, tolerance, patience, affection, supportiveness, humour, passion, confidence, etc.

I suppose you missed the part where OP said he’s a lawyer.

by Anonymousreply 79March 29, 2023 10:59 AM

OP says he doesn’t enjoy or derive pleasure from the main avenues of gay sex, and isn’t deeply motivated to date a man and make compromises to accept him as he is, either. He isn’t even that compelled to seek real normal homosexual/social companionship (and he’s been pretty fucking rude to some of the posters here).

Could it be he isn’t actually gay? Perhaps more Kinsey 5 or below bi? Or even asexual aromatic? Because I’ve met ‘straight’ curious/flexible men who were more motivated to fuck other men and spend time with them than this guy.

by Anonymousreply 80March 29, 2023 2:25 PM

R80, I’m definitely attracted to males. But I’m at a weird place.

When it comes to ogling bodies, I follow more hot males and male celebrities on IG than I do women.

When it comes to emotional connections, I tend to seek it more with males than females.

But when it comes to sexual activities? I love watching hot men fuck women. I even love seeing mmf threesomes.

But I generally don’t find oral sex or anal sex exciting to watch, straight or gay. I always skip those parts. That has generally never interested me. As a matter of fact, the first time I experienced a blow job, I was depressed afterward and so disappointing because I didn’t know how I was supposed to enjoy any sexual activity with another male.

by Anonymousreply 81March 29, 2023 4:48 PM

This is your problem, OP:

"I guess I also knew that until I made more money and/or got a better body, I was never going to be good enough for anybody I’d be really interested in."

Close the thread.

by Anonymousreply 82March 29, 2023 4:56 PM

I have this suspicion that you may be a serial whiner. Do you share too much personal stuff and whine a bit on first dates, OP? If you don't object, tell us more about your first date experiences. I'm intrigued.

by Anonymousreply 83March 29, 2023 5:47 PM

Relationships are about compromise and extinguishing your desires. If you are lucky you will get companionship. The longest term gay relationship I know of involves emotional, and possibly physical, abuse. Everyone wants to be fulfilled and everyone wants to be on top -- metaphorically -- relationships only work when you are prepared to give away your wants and needs and settle for what you get.

by Anonymousreply 84March 29, 2023 5:51 PM

For you? Yes.

by Anonymousreply 85March 29, 2023 6:54 PM

I hated this whole posted.

by Anonymousreply 86March 29, 2023 7:59 PM

"I echo the advice above that the OP seek personal counselling and a dating coach"

I partially agree. Yes, I think the OP should seek therapy, but not a dating coach. I think one of the things he should pursue in therapy is figuring out whether he wants to date at all! He isn't very keen on sex, he doesn't even mention the possibility of love, just of having someone that other people would want. Which makes me think he's feeling social pressure to couple up like we all do, but there's a reasonable chance he's asexual or nearly so, and needs to work on accepting that rather than feeling bad about himself because he isn't in a relationship.

Or maybe he's such a porn addict that real humans have lost any appeal for him. That would also be cause for therapy, OP, but really. Just see a therapist to help you figure out what it is you really want out of life!

by Anonymousreply 87March 29, 2023 9:25 PM

OP, if you really want to fix this problem, go to therapy. You’re still young enough that you can still change, and can achieve your goal. It will take some time, commitment, and hard work on your part. If you cannot commit to that relationship, I’d say that your chances of connecting with an available, reasonably healthy man is extremely limited. If this is an EST, fuck right off then.

by Anonymousreply 88March 29, 2023 9:47 PM

OP liked girls in high school enough to pine and recall ruefully that they didn’t reciprocate his attention, and also says he specifically enjoys p0rn that features women, yet insists he isn’t bi.

9/10 I wouldn’t say this or recommend it because it’s homophobic and heterocentric, but in your special and deranged case OP—maybe try real pussy a time or two and see if you actually like it? If you’ve been seriously interested in girls/women in the past plus like watching them have naked and having sex, you probably want that.

That said, given the way you communicate, you’re probably scaring off most women you meet. Which is a pity, as your height and weight stats (that people don’t need to know, btw) as well as your job/financial status would be attractive to many females. If you could just...dial down the creep factor.

by Anonymousreply 89March 30, 2023 3:51 AM

R89, where did I insist I wasn’t bi? I never claimed that.

by Anonymousreply 90March 30, 2023 5:48 AM

I should mention, when I fall in love, I fall into limerence. The last time this happened was about seven years ago when I got my house back and I started renting the rooms out and one of my roommates was a gay lawyer who I guess reminded me a lot of Darren Criss, that kind of charm (I don’t think I realized that until much later). But when I confided in my downstairs roommate, she blabbed to him and he got scared and moved out. Oddly, when I watched Assassination of Gianni Versace a few years later, I thought Darren Criss as Andrew Cunanan really reminded me of that roommate.

I reconnected with him on Grindr four years later (after I had passed the bar exam), he invited me to meet up with him at a hotel he was staying at. As excited as I was to see him and have another chance. I learned that he had become a full blown schizophrenic who believed he was a deity who time travels through multiple dimensions and was surrounded by spirit entities. I think he also had meth issues. (He also had HIV). It was a sad outcome. I had felt so shitty and unworthy of him years before when he moved out, and I learned that all I had fallen for and gotten heartbroken over had just been an illusion.

After that experience, I just don’t know what to be attracted to anymore, particularly now that I know that shit can be painted over with gold.

by Anonymousreply 91March 30, 2023 6:18 AM

R49 FFS. Perhaps you're not really gay? Bisexual? Maybe you just haven't met the right girl yet? Seriously, You liked girls as a lad, and through your twenties, and it sounds like you were infatuated with your best mate.

Perhaps he was the only person you've ever been close to, and shared any real emotional intimacy with. I think you sound quite stunted emotionally, and developmentally, no offence. This may have confused you something terribly, thinking your infatuation was romantic love.

This can happen with adolescents, so considering you've lagged behind (by your own admission/description) so much, perhaps it could have happened to you in your early thirties... Definitely see a therapist. All the best wishes mate.

by Anonymousreply 92March 30, 2023 7:03 AM

[quote] I had felt so shitty and unworthy of him years before when he moved out, and I learned that all I had fallen for and gotten heartbroken over had just been an illusion. After that experience, I just don’t know what to be attracted to anymore, particularly now that I know that shit can be painted over with gold.

This experience isn’t unique to you, plenty of us have been taken in by lovers, or even by friends or employers, who concealed some awful reality about themselves.

E.g. to take myself as just one example, my teen crush turned out to be a su!cidal psycho who tried to starve himself to death in my house. The horror of it fucked me up at 18-19, and I’ve pretty much never managed to move past it, though that crush is completely fine now and doing well in his life (which makes it worse for me, I won’t lie).

You aren’t alone in going through something like this, it’s sadly more common than you think, because these days people aren’t getting the real help and support and time to heal that they need for psych/emotional issues.

by Anonymousreply 93March 30, 2023 1:43 PM

OP sounds like a psychopath.

by Anonymousreply 94March 30, 2023 1:48 PM

[quote] But when I confided in my downstairs roommate, she blabbed to him and he got scared and moved out.

OP seems to like blaming other people for his own inertia.

Why was it your roommate/hag’s fault or problem or responsibility that your crush left before you sacked up and made a move? Why should she have cared?

by Anonymousreply 95March 31, 2023 12:40 PM

R95, first of all, she could sense it, and she induced me to confide in her with a promise that she would keep it confidential.

But as it turns out, she helped me dodge a bullet.

by Anonymousreply 96March 31, 2023 4:59 PM

Honey, she helped you BOTH dodge a bullet.

by Anonymousreply 97March 31, 2023 9:04 PM

[quote] I learned that all I had fallen for and gotten heartbroken over had just been an illusion.

Because you are a superficial queen. Schizophrenic behavior is not something people bring upon themselves, it's mostly genetic and pops up later in life as young adults in their 20s. He's still the same person he was back then only with an illness that's out of control. He was not faking who he was, there was no illusion he was painting over with gold to hide who he was. What you are really saying is that he didn't turn out like you imagined in your own head. All superficial things like a high powered career, lots of money and gym bod. The only illusion is the one YOU created in your own head. He turned out to be what he was always going to be. If you feel hurt or disillusion it's not because of him, it's something you brought upon yourself with some delusional fantasy.

So spare us pity party of "who to trust" or how you one time crush is to blame for you messed up ability to form relationships or enjoy hot gay sex. That was all your creation. You never slept together and he never expressed interest in you until a one time invite on Grinder and yet you blame your whole f-ed up relationship life on him? Seek therapy, you have a lot of work to do.

by Anonymousreply 98April 1, 2023 10:40 AM

R98, he had been hiding his psychosis, apparently. He had had his first breakdown in his early 20s. It’s surprising he finished college and got through law school. But he was also doing meth occasionally.

But he turned out to be a complete, selfish narcissist. I never met anyone as selfish or toxic as him, the way he’d treat his family when they’d try to help him, the nature of his delusions (he believed he was a deity and that he was Moses and that he was Jesus and that he was Amen-Ra). He had the most inflated ego. I tried to help him get back on his feet, but he was impossible to deal with.

For me, it’s not an issue of “trust,” it’s more an issue of, “What do I find attractive going forward?” and “What do I want a relationship for? What am I working so hard for to impress?”

by Anonymousreply 99April 1, 2023 2:51 PM

Lawyer here. The fact that your profession seems to define your identity is sad. You treat as a crutch and a shield. Get over yourself. Many lawyers are not satan's minions and lead productive happy lives with partners. Intervention time - get therapy!

by Anonymousreply 100April 1, 2023 3:55 PM

R46 Thanks Oprah

by Anonymousreply 101April 1, 2023 4:44 PM

Name these angels R100

by Anonymousreply 102April 1, 2023 7:23 PM

Companionship and partnership underlays much of what we call a society, like it and understand it or not (I don't get it sometimes, admittedly), and as long as there are broken dysfunctional nuclear families creating lonely affection/attention-starved people, there will be 'relationships' of the kind OP is talking about.

So there will always be people desperate to couple up (or throuple up, or whatever), but perhaps the coming s!ngularity and automat!on will provide people with bots to keep us company. By the time I'm very old in forty/fifty years (if I get there), that may be the norm.

by Anonymousreply 103April 2, 2023 8:39 PM

"I am a 41 year-old attorney. I’m 6’4”, weigh about 240 lbs, I go to the gym regularly, my body fat % ranges between 23-26% according to my scale."

I was exhausted just reading this. OP lives his life based on superficial characteristics that superficial gays care about and of course fell for a straight. Textbook.

All that was missing was how much OP earns. I didn't read much further, so maybe he does make reference to his income.

by Anonymousreply 104April 2, 2023 8:42 PM

OP is Jewish. 100%. A gay Woody Allen, although not gym shy.

by Anonymousreply 105April 2, 2023 8:45 PM

>>>I say, people should save their love for their seed

If you think having a child guarantees you love, affection, support and care in old age, think again. Life now is not like a Dickens novel where at middle-aged bachelor could make an orphan his ward, who would show him the utmost respect and loyalty while waiting for his guardian to die and he would inherit his fortune.

Raising a child alone is hard, especially past 40.

by Anonymousreply 106April 2, 2023 8:48 PM

OP hasn't noticed that most middle-class children from white families resent and/or hate their parents, and as adults veering between looking for an excuse to cut them off to "protect my mental health", and staying in touch because the parents give them money.

So all your other issues aside, I would not recommend that ANYONE who believes that they need to provide or buy their way to love have a child. They're absolutely guaranteed to fall into all the pitfalls that come with buying your child's affections, and creating a spoiled and entitled little monster.

by Anonymousreply 107April 3, 2023 12:08 AM

op, r not u bisexual, go find a woman n leave gay men alone. Only a women with low self esteem will put up with ur self important bullshits

by Anonymousreply 108April 3, 2023 5:18 AM

R105- op is bisexual, not gay

by Anonymousreply 109April 3, 2023 5:18 AM

OP’s post is the reason people like me don’t date. The idea that someone like OP could be at the other end of that dating app is fucking terrifying.

by Anonymousreply 110April 3, 2023 6:51 AM

[quote]perhaps the coming s!ngularity and automat!on will provide people with bots to keep us company.

No-one's monitoring your Datalounge posts, so enough with the surveillance-defying spelling.

by Anonymousreply 111April 3, 2023 8:02 AM

OP = Boo Radley + Norman Bates

by Anonymousreply 112April 3, 2023 8:49 AM

R111 and Muriel hasn’t called for a hall monitor either, baby, so you can calm down with the fanpol.

by Anonymousreply 113April 3, 2023 12:20 PM

[QUOTE] ’d never do anal, I could never come from oral sex, and the guys weren’t interested in seeing me afterwards.

It has always bothered me how men will refuse to see someone just because they won't do anal. It is unfair, and a little bit cruel.

by Anonymousreply 114April 4, 2023 1:13 AM

R114 People's tastes aren't "cruel" or "unfair" because they don't align with yours. Buttfucking is not a social justice issue. Man up.

by Anonymousreply 115April 4, 2023 3:55 AM

R114- cruel, rly? U r withholding sex, n still expecting him to stay in this abusive relationship. Seek help

by Anonymousreply 116April 4, 2023 6:55 AM

OP does seem to be suffering from a range of sexual dysfunctions which would make a significant number of potential lovers or boyfriends rule him out as a partner. That doesn't mean he has nothing to offer a partner, but it does reduce his options quite a lot.

by Anonymousreply 117April 4, 2023 7:10 AM

The common denominator is you, OP. Lots to unpack in your post in therapy, but I will say it seems you're more focused on attraction than building a life with someone with shared values. Shallow approaches get shallow results. Talk to someone to unwind your bullshit. It's never too late.

by Anonymousreply 118April 4, 2023 7:18 AM

41 is way too old to be this choosy and self-involved. At 21 you might have got a pass. Now you're middle aged and no amount of gym work will compensate for lack of youth, lack of personality, disinterest in sex.

by Anonymousreply 119April 4, 2023 7:23 AM

It's so very rude when someone demands anal during a first hookup. And it's always some bottom that does this. And usually they haven't "prepared" themselves, if you get my drift.

by Anonymousreply 120April 4, 2023 7:35 AM

R119, it's not like he has nothing to offer. He's stable, he has a good income, he's educated, presumably he is drug- and disease-free.

by Anonymousreply 121April 4, 2023 7:41 AM

[quote]In my 20s, I lived in LA. I was hopelessly heartbroken over a straight best friend... I guess I also knew that until I made more money and/or got a better body, I was never going to be good enough for anybody I’d be really interested in.

[quote]I didn’t start hooking up with guys more until I was in my mid-thirties, but I’d always get bored quickly, I’d never do anal, I could never come from oral sex, and the guys weren’t interested in seeing me afterwards.

I wonder why? You're a lousy, reluctant fuck who evidences no enjoyment of sex. You're obsessed with the idea that your one great love was a one-sided longing for a straight friend two decades ago. And you think that what attention you receive is only because you are a lawyer.

[quote]But I shouldn’t have had to become a lawyer first before finding a relationship. Even if I found someone I’m really interested in that’s also interested in me, if it took becoming a lawyer first, how will I ever take such a relationship seriously if I was not good enough before becoming a lawyer?

It doesn't sound to me as though being a lawyer has brought on what I would call waves of eligible bachelor suitors. Do they not have lawyers where you live? Are they such a novelty that lesser mortals sit up and take notice and lust for 'a piece of that'?

[quote]I want my OWN kids, I want an egg donor and surrogate. Let’s be honest, the people I find attractive, I’m not what they want, and anybody who’d be interested in me, they’re not what I want.

Don't have children, please. You're don't seem good parenting stock. Why not buy a flashy car and get some of those vanity license plates: ¨LWYR¨ maybe?

Yes, yes, you told us. You're a lawyer. You also tell us your height and weight (in several similar threads now if I'm not mistaken, in each of which you get a churlish in your every response, and your questions were never questions that you wanted answered). You became a lawyer. But you're still 50 pounds overweight. It seems that you are more impressed with the fact that you're a lawyer than are others for whom you being a lawyer doesn't shave off 50 lbs. Or maybe it's the personality?

by Anonymousreply 122April 4, 2023 7:42 AM

OP uninterested in sex, but smitten with a straight dude.

= frigidity

by Anonymousreply 123April 4, 2023 7:45 AM

" None of the girls I liked in high school were into me."

Cause they knew you were a big ole 'mo.

by Anonymousreply 124April 4, 2023 7:54 AM

OP doesn't sound that bad. He has a good career. Unlike the average DLer who lives on ramen noodles and plans to kill themselves once they get old because they can't afford retirement.

by Anonymousreply 125April 4, 2023 8:13 AM

R58 sounds like a real Mary.

by Anonymousreply 126April 4, 2023 8:20 AM

R125, at least those posters won’t cut you into pieces and hide you in their crawlspace.

by Anonymousreply 127April 4, 2023 8:25 AM

[quote] Will relationships be a thing of the past?

What answer do you want, OP?

A No?

Or a Yes?

by Anonymousreply 128April 4, 2023 8:30 AM

[quote]OP uninterested in sex, but smitten with a straight dude.

[quote]= Typical Datalounger

by Anonymousreply 129April 4, 2023 10:47 AM

and how do you know that R127?

by Anonymousreply 130April 4, 2023 1:02 PM

Maybe OP is demisexual and just doesn’t want to stick his huge dick into some guy that will shit on him.

by Anonymousreply 131April 4, 2023 1:04 PM

I feel so bad for the way people are talking to the OP. This is making me rethink the gay community. Y

You have revealed yourselves to me.

by Anonymousreply 132April 4, 2023 1:16 PM

R122, 240 lbs at 6’’4” is not 50 pounds overweight, it’s more like 20 lbs. Joe Manganiello is 6’5” and 240 lbs, but he has more muscle weight and lower body fat.

by Anonymousreply 133April 5, 2023 3:49 AM

This man is gay.

by Anonymousreply 134April 5, 2023 4:09 AM

R132, you know straight people post here all the time as "gay" right?

by Anonymousreply 135April 5, 2023 9:10 AM

OP’s sexuality is kind of an irrelevant hypothetical if he doesn’t want to engage in any real physical physical sexual contact.

Maybe he’s just destined for solosexuality. Look into an Aneros device maybe.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 136April 5, 2023 12:39 PM

Does OP have hobbies or interests other than sex/dating (doesn't count), socializing (doesn't count), work (doesn't count) or travel (doesn't count)?

by Anonymousreply 137April 7, 2023 2:28 AM

I think OP made the mistake of voicing what a lot of people are thinking and acting upon. Other people are just more successful at it than OP. However, people rarely derive the happiness they think they will get. I know too many people in that boat. They stay in relationships to save face or because they're dependent in some way.

OP - you can get the guy/girl of your dreams. It's not that hard. I just don't think you want to for whatever reason. If the guy below can do it, so can you.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 138April 8, 2023 12:50 AM
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