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Polyamorous relationships

Normal? Abnormal? The under 30s are trying to normalize this lifestyle, even moving to legalize it and have it be a protected class. What say you? Have you ever lived in one?

by Anonymousreply 103April 3, 2023 1:26 PM

As I have gotten older, they seem like a great idea for gays. I know a throuple where two men are retired and they added a fortyish guy many years ago when he was younger. It seems stable and they have a much better set up for aging than most, plus an amazing house.

by Anonymousreply 1March 22, 2023 2:44 PM

Normal and abnormal are subjective categories, the vast majority of the world sees us homos as abnormal.

It's not for me, but I don't mind others doing it. As long as they don't evangelise about it, like the vegans or the keto folk.

by Anonymousreply 2March 22, 2023 2:45 PM

Should they be able to get married? Three people or more?

by Anonymousreply 3March 22, 2023 2:49 PM


by Anonymousreply 4March 22, 2023 2:59 PM

No, and it's the stupidest shit imaginable. Just convert to Mormonism, already.

by Anonymousreply 5March 22, 2023 3:00 PM

[quote] The under 30s are trying to normalize this lifestyle, even moving to legalize it and have it be a protected class.

What in hell are you talking about?

by Anonymousreply 6March 22, 2023 3:05 PM

My dad was in the Navy in WW II and he once said that lighthouses were never staffed with three people because that configuration tends to fall into two-on-one when one of the parties is irritated or stressed. I can see how the feeling of being on the outs with two others could be a real drag.

(At the time he said it I was too young to note that I’m an only child.)

by Anonymousreply 7March 22, 2023 3:08 PM

Well, it’s preferable turning that into a living situation than a lot of other fet dynamics (am thinking particularly of BD SM and petplay/furr y here).

by Anonymousreply 8March 22, 2023 3:12 PM

In College I was forced by poverty and lack of organisation on my part to move into a communal house. We were eleven students squashed illegally into a little ramshackle townhouse meant for a family of four. One of the women I moved in with was this fat ugly crustpunk (looked/sounded like a diesel but she slept with men all the time?) who had a high sexual drive, and she kept making passes at me and trying to get me to be her third partner (she already had an open thing with a boyfriend and girlfriend who lived in another student house). Like I’d be trying to grab breakfast or a shower early so I could run to all-day rehearsals (I was a drama student) and she’d be hovering close by watching or making comments or trying to touch me. I was not about it.

Her life plan was to have multiple partners living together and to go travelling together. I respected her unconventionality and that she didn’t care what other more judgmental people had to say about it, but ultimately I just found her physically repulsive, plus I didn’t like how she wouldn’t take no for an answer and was too horny/promiscuous all the time. She probably had a Petri dish of diseases.

No idea what happened to her, in the end. I ofc declined her offers and avoided her until I could move out, then find a place with some sweet virginal Xtian girls who already had their eye on prospective husbands and thought I of all people was a wicked sinner lmao

by Anonymousreply 9March 22, 2023 3:12 PM

No, and the people I know in them, having a running theme of not being very attractive and immaturity. Perhaps not surprisingly, I think they just want the comfort and convenience of relationships without the commitment.

by Anonymousreply 10March 22, 2023 3:21 PM

R9 Interesting story. Just curious how did you rebuff her physically touching you? Did any of the other 9 students you lived with ever say anything to her or you?

by Anonymousreply 11March 22, 2023 3:22 PM

Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

by Anonymousreply 12March 22, 2023 6:30 PM

They always seem to involve an obese woman with tattoos and blue hair, and two hideously unattractive men who are grateful for the sex.

by Anonymousreply 13March 22, 2023 6:44 PM

I couldn't do it, too jealous and I hate that feeling.

by Anonymousreply 14March 22, 2023 6:46 PM

I think I could under the right circumstances, primarily because I don't give much of damn about sex these days. Having a couple of glorified roommates to share the bills and the household chores with the occasional fucking might be kind of convenient actually. Can one of them be a handyman, or a plumber?

by Anonymousreply 15March 22, 2023 6:49 PM

While I don’t think it’s immoral, I do not believe we should be promoting it or trying to normalize it. I think it is only for particularly intelligent, conscientious people, which the average person is not. Average people need to operate in a monogamous society.

by Anonymousreply 16March 22, 2023 6:58 PM

Dumb thread, started by a freeper.

by Anonymousreply 17March 22, 2023 7:05 PM

R15 hahaha actually I had that same thought. Am not terribly sexual or sociable myself, plus not the best with DIY or chores, so being able to live in a roommate situation past the age of 25 without stigma sounds pretty good. Also, while I'm not big on fucking or PDA, I like hugs and being warm in bed, so I could live with a bedfellow type of situation if there were two big mattresses pushed together.

by Anonymousreply 18March 22, 2023 8:41 PM

Someone else's relationship does not impact mine.

by Anonymousreply 19March 22, 2023 8:48 PM

Those I know in them (several, as we are in San Francisco) are all narcissists who insist on showing off their lifestyle,

Like whites who adopt ethnic children "Look at me, how progressive I am!"

by Anonymousreply 20March 22, 2023 8:51 PM

To me the actual unnatural thing is monogamy and the idea of mating for life. It has been imposed on us for centuries, creating a wreck of unhappiness, guilt and destruction.

But then again i am single.

by Anonymousreply 21March 22, 2023 9:01 PM

Once, I had a relationship with two women - we were a 'trio'. It wasn't something I had pursued. It happened after my girlfriend and I at the time ended up having a threesome with a long-lost ex-girlfriend of hers, who had also been an acquaintance of mine (we had been hanging out at a bar and this ex was there; we were all very drunk, and we went home together and fucked, all three of us, later that night). After that first threesome, this third woman, who was very, very attractive, started insinuating herself into my relationship with my girlfriend, and because she was hot, intelligent and cool, I let it happen, even growing to develop feelings for her. We all dated for a year. Never in my life, before or since, have I had so much sex as during that one year, considering we would fuck the three of us together, and sometimes I would fuck one or the other just the two of us. At the end, I was glad to break it all up and remove myself from the entire situation, as I wasn't interested in having more than one person as a partner, and they were, both of them, not the best people around, I realized.

I was 27, so that was a few years ago. Never, ever again (not even for the sex - that's what casual threesomes are for). Too much drama, and, in my case, too many violations of trust. All in all, not for me. Other posters may have (had) very different experiences, of course.

by Anonymousreply 22March 22, 2023 9:07 PM

Thanks for the comment, r22. Seriously. It was interesting.

by Anonymousreply 23March 22, 2023 9:13 PM

You're very welcome, R23.

by Anonymousreply 24March 22, 2023 9:21 PM

I don't think it's a question of normal vs abnormal... though you're doing something most people don't do. Is it workable? Is it sustainable? Is it practical? (In some jurisdictions, depending on the legal definition of common law marriage, it could get messy as fuck I'd imagine.)

by Anonymousreply 25March 22, 2023 9:28 PM

No one cares, OP. You seem envious.

by Anonymousreply 26March 22, 2023 9:32 PM

If the polyamorous community want civil marriage rights they can make their case for legalization, but given the history of coercion and exploitation surrounding polygamy in the U.S. they’ll need to make it clear that we’re strictly talking about consenting adults.

by Anonymousreply 27March 22, 2023 10:00 PM

Throuples almost never work for very long, at least in my experience. Someone always gets left out one way or the other before long.

by Anonymousreply 28March 22, 2023 10:02 PM

[quote] What in hell are you talking about?

Are you illiterate, hon?

by Anonymousreply 29March 22, 2023 10:04 PM

some of you have never encountered Homestuck and it shows

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 30March 23, 2023 2:46 AM

I am a lesbian who was in a poly relationship with a married (to a man) woman. At first, it was supposed to be just sex (just me and her), but of course, with women feelings get involved. I ended it after about 7 months and she went batshit.

My experiences with poly were that there is always one partner who doesn't really want it but is too much of a pussy to say no so they go along. And then the third, like I was who lacked self love and finally came to the realization that I was worthy of a full relationship. I had the most sex of my life though and that part was fun. But poly folks LOVE to tell people they are poly. She was posting picture of us together all over social and I remember the husband being confronted by his mom about why he was allowing his wife to do this and he said, "if I don't, she'll leave me." To this day I think he's a pathetic excuse for a man. Man up and leave.

by Anonymousreply 31March 23, 2023 9:31 PM

R22 fantastic and fascinating share. Would you elaborate on the sexual set up, and also on the drama that broke it apart? Like how did that first night get you all hooked? Was the sex just more frequent (like daily?) or also better quality? How did you physically sleep (just sleep) in the relationship? How did you split living space/chores etc., and how did you fit in social or alone time around sex? Did you end up preferring to fuck the new hot girl or your gf? What were the first little red flags/warning signs of cracks in the throuple? Did the issues spill into the bedroom too?

Ime there's been an increase of late in the lesbian & bi dating scene of exes recoupling with an old partner and the new one. Weird. Not sure what to make of it all.

by Anonymousreply 32March 23, 2023 10:06 PM

R32, hi, fellow lesbian. That first night got us all hooked because we were liquored up and uninhibited, and it quickly became apparent that the third woman and I were highly sexually compatible - we were just extremely turned on by each other. I remember she kissed both my girlfriend and I goodbye when she left, on the lips, separately, and somehow, and somewhat 'automatically', there were grounds for more after that (as in: this wasn't over). Going forward, the three of us fucked with abandon, almost every day of the week, for almost a year. We each had our own separate places, and we would visit each other and stay over for the night. We always shared the same bed, sleeping side by side; when one of us was feeling down or had had a bad day, that would be the person to sleep in the middle, so our 'positions' varied. Sometimes we would see each other separately, i.e. some nights I'd have a 'twosome' with one or the other, and they'd also see each other in my absence. We'd hit the bars, go to the movies, attend concerts, art exhibits, restaurants all three of us together. Sometimes I'd spend a day at my own place by myself, and I'd also see my own friends alone, perhaps once a week.

I did end up preferring to fuck the new girl, and, as far as I could tell, she preferred to fuck me too, over her old ex / the other member of the throuple, that is. She absolutely had the hots for me, and I had the hots for her - we were both femmes, I more so than she, and she once cited that as one of the many reasons why I was so attractive to her (our other companion was more butch). I wouldn't say I preferred to fuck her because she was femme, however; I don't really know how to explain what it was, for me. To put it simply, and regardless, we just clicked in bed. As soon as we'd see each other, alone, we'd start kissing, undressing, stumbling to the bedroom, before saying 'hi', before anything else. It was a wild thing. All of this was broken up when I started to catch her (the hot one) lying about 'unimportant' things, at first, such as where she'd been, and why she had 'disappeared' without notice for a few days, for example. There were also even smaller things: the three of us would begin watching a show together on Netflix and promise to only continue when we got together again; I'd keep my end of the deal, but they wouldn't - "Oh, we actually finished watching it yesterday, when you weren't with us". The same started to happen with bigger, more important things which I don't feel comfortable mentioning here, and that's basically what ended the whole thing for me.

In other words, the two old flames / former girlfriends were keeping too many secrets from me, and behaving as though they were a couple without me / behind my back, and I wasn't interested in having any of that shit around in my life, so I left. And to answer your last question, yes, near the end, these issues were spilling into the bedroom. Here goes a graphic example: one weekend afternoon we were having sex, I had one of the women penetrating me vaginally and the other one penetrating me anally, pounding me with their fingers, which is something I'd normally die for, but I was feeling so betrayed (because of so many things) that, at some point, I just had to ask them to stop all the fucking and kissing and fondling and suckling, to their utter dismay - my mind just wasn't into it anymore, not with these people. So, there you have it.

I don't think I've ever written such a long post here on DL. Hope I answered all your questions, fellow lesbian.

by Anonymousreply 33March 24, 2023 1:39 AM


by Anonymousreply 34March 24, 2023 1:40 AM

Suit yourself, R34 - I was just answering R32's many queries, as she is "rabidly curious and taking notes" (I laughed, by the way. Thanks, R32).

by Anonymousreply 35March 24, 2023 1:48 AM

R33, we should meet. It's nice to finally meet another lesbian who likes sex. WTF is up with all the fucking pillow princesses out there who just lie there?


by Anonymousreply 36March 24, 2023 2:17 AM

Well, R36, sometimes I do like to just lie back and spread my legs... although my hips are never still for very long. I am Brazilian-born, after all, so I fuck hard, and I fuck for real.

by Anonymousreply 37March 24, 2023 2:35 AM

A lot of the younger straights are ok with their regular side-pieces coming and going as they please, but I guess that doesn't count

by Anonymousreply 38March 24, 2023 2:56 AM

Wow, it seems like being poly is actually more of a lesbian thing. I could not imagine the level of drama. I don't care what other people do as long as I don't have to pay for it.

by Anonymousreply 39March 24, 2023 2:58 AM

The only one I ever knew personally ended in a murder. It was a throuple, more than polyamorous.

by Anonymousreply 40March 24, 2023 3:08 AM

R49 how does one decide which one of one’s throuple to squib off? Sounds ghastly.

by Anonymousreply 41March 24, 2023 1:07 PM

R37 Lipstick & R36😍😍😍😍😍😍Mommy I mean Mommy I mean—

Wanting to picture you both—is there any particular famous woman you look like? How do you dress with/around girlfriend?

(Brazilian & Portuguese women are one of my bias btw! You all really know how to dance and move and cut loose..)

by Anonymousreply 42March 24, 2023 2:23 PM

Isn’t Giuliani’s daughter in one of these relationships,

by Anonymousreply 43March 24, 2023 3:43 PM

Sorry to burst your bubble, R42, but even though I was born in Brazil, my parents are European. I'm pale as snow, and I dress normally (so does everybody else in Brazil). Growing up in the United States, no one could tell I wasn't really American.

On a separate note, we know how to dance because we're not fucking Puritans, and we're good at moving because, from childhood, we do a lot of sports. Life in the South is hard for everyone, so when it's not time to work, we give ourselves some good respite (dancing, moving, partying).

I do hope I was able to answer all the questions you had asked at R32.

by Anonymousreply 44March 24, 2023 3:46 PM

Actors Randy Harrison (Queer As Folk) & Jordan Barbour discuss polyamory & threesome relationships n their podcast QueerAnon with Mister Sister Episode S3E3 Poly Pocket from 3/30/23 in their Deep Dive section. (Harrison has been in a committed triad with two men for a few years.)

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 45March 24, 2023 5:22 PM

"A committed triad" sounds like a textbook example for "This well end in tears".

by Anonymousreply 46March 24, 2023 6:14 PM

It's 100% not for me. But I could not care less for anyone else.

Doesn't affect me what or who others do with their partner(s) as long as everyone involved is of age and cool with it.

by Anonymousreply 47March 24, 2023 6:36 PM

As long as you don’t expect your relationships to go on forever, it sounds like it could be good while it lasts. An amicable parting would be the key.

by Anonymousreply 48March 24, 2023 8:03 PM

Seems like a lot of work. But, sure. Get married.

by Anonymousreply 49March 24, 2023 8:56 PM

Hypothetical--what happens to a dynamic when the newer party added to a couple is a top/dominant/alpha type, but there's already one in the existing couple? Especially if the new partner or third is younger or poorer? How is that negotiated sexually and otherwise? The arithmetic has me confused, and I can see that causing a lot of drama and crossed wires.

by Anonymousreply 50March 24, 2023 10:32 PM

People have more than one good friend and more than one sibling. Why shouldn’t they have more than one lover? It seems like it would be easier in some ways because everything isn’t dependent on one person. If jealousy or competition issues come up, they could be addressed and hopefully resolved. Good communication and emotional maturity would be essential. If it works out, could make life more fun and satisfying for all the participants.

by Anonymousreply 51March 24, 2023 10:46 PM

I always thought polyamorous was just a fancy way of saying blows hot and cold.

Which is not a colloquial way of saying will blow anybody, FYI.

by Anonymousreply 52March 24, 2023 10:48 PM

I don't care at all what consenting adults do in their houses, bedrooms, or marriages. But far too many poly people seem to want to brag/proselytize. They think everyone who's not poly is some kind of puritanical freak who is white-knuckling monogamy or serial monogamy despite their urgent desire to be part of a throuple. It doesn't ever occur to them that monogamy is also a legit sexual preference.

There are also far too many poly folks who think that polyamory is the solution to infidelity in monogamous relationships. This relates to what was said above -- in too many of these relationships, one not-too-eager partner got dragged into it because they were afraid to lose their partner, and instead just ended up sharing.

by Anonymousreply 53March 24, 2023 11:38 PM

Isn’t monogamy traditional mainly because of the production and raising of children? So, no kids, no reason to limit sexual relationships. I think a lifelong monogamous marriage beginning at a young age would be so boring. Serial monogamy at least makes more sense.

by Anonymousreply 54March 25, 2023 12:28 AM

I have yet to meet a polyamarous individual who wasn't crazy low class trash or butt ugly. Though, on the latter, I can't figure out why.

by Anonymousreply 55March 25, 2023 12:28 AM

Am wondering if poly is a province only of the very rich or very poor, i.e. no-one who is expected to go to a job every day/week or worries about keeping up appearances.

The Gossip Girl light novels I've been rereading are full of threesomes as well as a couple of poly setups in the background. The characters are all filthy rich young NYC socialites who have trust funds and no careers and nothing to do except what (and who) they feel like.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 56March 25, 2023 2:28 PM

Answering my own question at R50, since no-one else has--from my own research, it would seem that a Top/Sub/Top configuration is in fact one of the few known ways to make a Top couple work well, in conjunction with a lot of mutual oral/HJ/rimming/frot/massage and other non-penetrative stimulation.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 57March 26, 2023 8:19 PM

R56 I think that actually is part of it. In my slice of the world, this would never fly. I work in a moderately conservative field and I would be embarrassed to bring that up.

by Anonymousreply 58March 26, 2023 8:45 PM

r42, I've been told I resemble Gillian Anderson.

by Anonymousreply 59March 26, 2023 9:54 PM

R11 in terms of shaking her off, I usually just made excuses to leave the room/house (even at my inconvenience, sometimes) and waited for her to go and do something (or someone else). A couple of times I had to push her off lightly and say "thanks, I'm good". She was never violent or forceful, just annoyingly persistent and rude in terms of ignoring my wish for her to stop. I'm very shy and was even moreso then (am a woman, if that wasn't clear), plus going through a hard time that sapped all my confidence, so I'd probably never have chewed her out or made a scene especially not in front of our housemates.

The other housemates didn't ever do much or step in while I was present, nor did they try to talk to me about it, but I think toward the final summer months of our lease one of them may have noticed and told her to back off or to move on, because she seemed to lose interest all of a sudden one week. Tbh almost all of them barring me and one other were stoner hippie artsy 'activist' types and fluid sexually, so to them this kind of behaviour was totally normal and expected and not a red flag. Sometimes I regret that I didn't loosen up a bit more back then and agree to at least smoke and fool around with a few of the cooler, nicer, better-looking ones--I was kind of a neurotic uptight miserable mess back then. They were mostly nice enough and well-intentioned, even though they were a pain in the ass to live with.

The guy in the room next to mine used to get on my fucking nerves, because he would deal vikes out of his room with his Aspie bitchy girlfriend (not a dig, I'm autistic myself, but not such a megabitch) and invite very sketchy people over for house parties at all hours and on random days of the week. That would piss me off and upset me more than the fat goth trying to get me into a throuple.

by Anonymousreply 60March 27, 2023 3:20 PM

R58 middle-class middle-income people tend just to be swingers on the quiet.

by Anonymousreply 61March 30, 2023 2:02 AM

For most of history, in most cultures, polyamory had been more the norm than monogamy

by Anonymousreply 62March 30, 2023 2:16 AM

R62 excellent point. Much of what our modern societies have tarred and feathered as 'barbaric' or primitive is actually more humane than the practices we engage in and call progressive.

I think the same about the nuclear family model; people are healthier and better integrated and more community/care minded raised in tribes.

by Anonymousreply 63March 30, 2023 2:57 AM

R63 that must be why Africa is so peaceful and put together.

by Anonymousreply 64March 30, 2023 5:47 PM

[quote]An amicable parting would be the key.

There's not enough laughter in the world to adequately respond to that.

by Anonymousreply 65March 30, 2023 5:51 PM

I think polyamory is twisted. Not group sex - couples that have threesomes and shit like that I think that's more or less normal and can work if they're both into that. But an actual relationship like a triad or a polycule or whatever, they must all be pathological as fuck. It takes a very serious effort and a high level of maturity for a relationship between two people to function healthily. It sometimes means carrying a lot of burdens, it means you have to be willing to face that and be supportive. I think these people want to have surface level relationships that are only about validation and superficial connections. They're emotionally avoidant and the relationships seem to take on this dynamic of a small nerdy highschool friend group and they're all trapped in an insecure acceptance seeking nightmare together. One person can't fulfill the psychos need to be validated but also demands too much authenticity and real attention. My partner and I have sex with outside people together sometimes and it's fun but the idea that we would fall in love with the same person, add them to our relationship, and then function smoothly without any fretting over "where do I rank, who do you like better", and just happily and easily support any and all personal burdens and troubles they may have is so ludicrous. I think that Gen Z more than any generation, although many of my millennial peers, are truly obsessed with carrying on this eternal adolescence. My armchair hypothesis is that our parents were largely absent, either overworked, or they dealt with the stress of parenting by sticking us in front of screens. So you have a lot of people who want to be teenagers forever because they're overwhelmed with fear/anxiety resulting from never having actually been trained to be an adult, never shown a thing.

by Anonymousreply 66March 30, 2023 5:59 PM

I just think it's hard enough to get along with one person.

by Anonymousreply 67March 30, 2023 6:07 PM

[quote]But an actual relationship like a triad or a polycule or whatever, they must all be pathological as fuck.

Some previous responses have mentioned this already, but frequently there's an element of coercion. You can sometimes spot the one who got roped into it by the language they use to describe this change in their life. If they "unlearned monogamy," for example, there's often a narcissistic partner in the background who was the chief decision maker. It's framed as a more enlightened path because it would otherwise be unpalatable to some of the participants.

The women who end up in these situations often have unresolved trauma resulting in personality problems and control issues, so it's crazy attracting crazy. (I've never seen fireworks like what happens when poly lesbian arrangements go sour.) The most pathetic participants are the straight male geeks willing to take whatever scraps they're thrown because they have difficulty financially supporting themselves or finding sex. Those households look like Comic-Con conventions.

by Anonymousreply 68March 30, 2023 6:16 PM

R68 I actually think it can maybe work if they're all autistics who equally love Naruto, or Minecraft, or whatever the fuck it is.

Those "unlearning monogamy" couples end up the most fucked. The third that gets brought in will never get over feeling like an outsider and the original partner will conclude that the whole thing results from their own inadequacy. Two egos sacrificed at the altar of narcissism.

by Anonymousreply 69March 30, 2023 6:41 PM

Yes to the above about "it's not cheating, honey, it's polyamory!" throuples where one gets dragged along into a nonmonogamous relationship they never signed up for.

What's worse is that it doesn't solve cheating at all. Some people are just committed cheaters and liars. No matter what the boundaries of the relationship are, they'll find a way to break them. If the boundary was, "You can fuck anybody you want, any time or anywhere, just NOT in Macy's window on April 23rd," you can bet you'd find these assholes doing just that on that very day.

by Anonymousreply 70March 30, 2023 7:11 PM

[quote] To me the actual unnatural thing is monogamy

IMO, polyamorous / throuples have more in common with couples than they have in common with single people.

Single (esp. childless) people already pay the most taxes vis-a-vis benefits. We can't assign benefits like marrieds do, etc.

So, I'd be pissed if legalization of 3-way marriages increased the tax burdens on single people.

by Anonymousreply 71March 30, 2023 9:15 PM

R22 / R33, your story starts out with what sounds like you & your girlfriend being a couple that took on a 3rd, hot lipstick lesbian woman. Your story seems to end with you saying that the other two were, in fact, the original couple (and you were the 3rd person added to the mix). Am I reading this wrong?

by Anonymousreply 72March 30, 2023 9:35 PM

R72, they had been girlfriends ten years before that fateful night at the bar that ended in a threesome. In other words, the "3rd, hot lipstick lesbian woman" had been my then girlfriend's girlfriend, ten years prior. They were exes.

Looking back, I was a damn fool. Overtrusting, naïve, even innocent. At some point, like I said, I realized they weren't exactly the best people out there. But I guess they deserved each other, and I needed the lesson.

Never, ever, ever again. It wasn't something I had ever asked / wished for, or that I had ever even thought about. After that experience, though, it IS the kind of thing I will steer away from always and forevermore.

by Anonymousreply 73March 30, 2023 10:37 PM

[quote] In other words, the "3rd, hot lipstick lesbian woman" had been my then girlfriend's girlfriend, ten years prior. They were exes.

Thanks for explaining, R73. That's a huge detail: that your current GF and 3rd woman were exes.

by Anonymousreply 74March 30, 2023 10:44 PM

"Apparently, I'm not going to be enough for you. So I'm going to set you free to go pursue what you need to be happy"

by Anonymousreply 75March 30, 2023 11:02 PM

You're welcome, R74. But that had already been mentioned in the first paragraph of my R22 post:

[quote] (...) It happened after my girlfriend and I at the time ended up having a threesome with a long-lost ex-girlfriend of hers

by Anonymousreply 76March 30, 2023 11:02 PM

I missed that, R76, and it was in the 1st sentence or so. Thank you for your patience, seriously.

It does sound like a lot of drama (recycling an old GF, turning her into the 3rd wheel of your current relationship), wouldn't you agree?

by Anonymousreply 77March 30, 2023 11:06 PM

I can understand threesomes, etc, sexually. But in a relationship with more than one person? Heck, dealing with a single relationships can be hard enough; you’ve not only got all your issues but also the other person’s issues too. I’m becoming more of a hermit the older I get. I just want a quiet stress free life and polyamory, although it might seem appealing, would probably just be one big headache.

by Anonymousreply 78March 30, 2023 11:11 PM

R77, you're welcome.

Well, it is much easier to look at the whole situation now in hindsight, with the benefit of time and distance, isn't it? Like I said, this didn't happen overnight. This third woman started insinuating herself into my relationship with my then girlfriend slowly, subtly, one step at a time - another night out, another threesome, another hot encounter full of black lace lingerie and vodka and wine and Depeche Mode songs while fucking each other blind, coming multiple times on each other's tongues and fingers and strap-ons... And then falling in love with sex and intimacy, as young people and especially women tend to do; I think you get the picture.

It's not so easy to see clearly when you're lost in a fulness of pleasure, promises and youth. At least it wasn't for me. Somebody else might have done better (or worse) than I did in those circumstances.

by Anonymousreply 79March 30, 2023 11:46 PM

Two people can't rent a one bedroom apartment on a Burger King salary...but 3 people? I'm sure corporate America is trying to normalize relationships like this

by Anonymousreply 80March 30, 2023 11:51 PM

Humans aren't naturally monogamous, I think nature intends us to have serial partners. It's just that monogamous partnerships are about the only way two people can afford to breed in a capitalist society, and most people want to breed. So, marriage has become the societal norm.

So I'm fine with polyamory, be yourself and live the life you want to live! I just have the same warning as I do for the bisexuals: Be honest! It is NOT OKAY to lie about your nature if you want to be in a relationship with a non-poly person! That happens, same as down-low men lie to women because they want marriage and kids as well as dick, there are poly people who will feel attraction to someone who isn't poly, they'll lie because they want a relationship, and when they're caught fucking others they attack the non-poly person for being close-minded and saying that describing their behavior as "cheating" is discriminatory. Don't do that, Polys.

by Anonymousreply 81March 31, 2023 12:27 AM

I never knew that gay men were the paragons and ultimate arbiters of ethical sexual behavior, interesting.

by Anonymousreply 82March 31, 2023 12:36 AM

[quote]The under 30s are trying to normalize this lifestyle, even moving to legalize it and have it be a protected class.

So, if I get a divorce from two people, can I collect alimony from both of them or do I only get a single alimony amount and the other two need to figure out who pays how much?

by Anonymousreply 83March 31, 2023 12:40 AM

And what about child support, if you've got three fathers listed on the birth certificate? Does the mother collect from two, and pay to the third?

by Anonymousreply 84March 31, 2023 12:46 AM

E83 damn it’s hard enough splitting the bill at dinner lol

by Anonymousreply 85March 31, 2023 12:35 PM

It always seemed like a younger Dan Aykroyd had a platonic(?) throuple situation going with the late John Belushi and his wife Judy. By all their admission, Dan would sometimes even sleep at the foot of their bed, like a pet or a sub of some kind. He was very close with the couple, and after John’s death remained close to Judy. They both seem like they were John’s life partners, but there’s no jealousy there.

by Anonymousreply 86April 1, 2023 11:21 AM

how do lezbeans "fuck?"

by Anonymousreply 87April 1, 2023 11:44 AM

Was surprised the other day to come across a late 2010s Thai crime/thriller/action series with this as the central premise between the main characters, called 3 WILL BE FREE. Basically, it's about 2 young single preppy 'straight' guy friends who get mixed up in a shooting at a strip club, go on the lam with a hot female dancer/escort, and after a lot of gunfights and car chases and chicanery with some mob money, all end up in a 3-way relationship after sleeping together a few times.

It actually wasn't even a bad show, and confronted my preconceived notions about how I had assumed Thai culture deals with sexual matters in pop culture. And it's actually quite refreshing in terms of characterisation and romance, albeit not in plot. I've never seen a bi/poly show done in the West this well or realistically; usually when attempted, it's either shitty pandering shipbait, or just there for titillation for one scene and not an integral part of the story. In 3 WILL BE FREE, it really seems like none of the trio would pick one partner over the other, and that being with 2 people actually meets all their needs without detracting too much, which is the platonic ideal of this relationship model.

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by Anonymousreply 88April 2, 2023 8:48 PM

If the other two guys We’re Dominicans with big dicks, I’d be FINE with it!

by Anonymousreply 89April 2, 2023 9:04 PM

All the lonely people

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by Anonymousreply 90April 2, 2023 9:10 PM

There were three of us in the marriage!

by Anonymousreply 91April 2, 2023 9:11 PM

Since someone else's relationship does not affect MY relationship, I do not care.

by Anonymousreply 92April 2, 2023 9:18 PM

Very true R13.

by Anonymousreply 93April 2, 2023 9:19 PM

I would think break ups if they could get married would be messier and too complicated.

by Anonymousreply 94April 2, 2023 9:20 PM

Never had one. I see nothing wrong with them, as long as everyone involved are in it enthusiastically, rather than via coercion.

by Anonymousreply 95April 2, 2023 10:07 PM

Seems like a lot of work. Having one partner is too much for me sometimes and I just want to be left alone.

by Anonymousreply 96April 2, 2023 10:09 PM

There’s a constant and unsustainable shifting imbalance in power among three people, and though I’ve seen it work, I’d argue that it’s a relationship of convenience and youth, with one or two involved waiting until the “next guy” comes along, and because of childhood trauma or stigma growing up, gay men are notorious for running their lives like a soap opera, and are consciously or unconsciously attracted to the drama, attention and notoriety it brings to them.

Some people will do ANYTHING to avoid being lonely, aren’t comfortable spending large amounts of time alone, don’t love themselves enough to get out of an abusive relationship, or can’t handle day to day normalcy and boredom.

Then there are others that cannot afford or don’t want to budget living alone and put up with untenable situations, rather than figuring out how to actually be independent and self sustaining… just get a roommate!

This is coming from someone who lived like this at one point or another until I learned how to actually love myself.

You should never have to “put up” with a relationship or accept behavior you don’t agree with.

by Anonymousreply 97April 3, 2023 9:40 AM

R97 well don’t leave us hanging, how did your throuple come together?😏and fall apart. That’s the juicy part of your story

by Anonymousreply 98April 3, 2023 12:21 PM

[quote] Then there are others that cannot afford or don’t want to budget living alone and put up with untenable situations, rather than figuring out how to actually be independent and self sustaining.

me tbh these bills get higher and less possible to manage every day. as long as costs of living/inflation/prices/family care spiral beyond and above wages in the inhumane ratrun then setups like this will only get more popular. probably quads and communes as well😔

easy to ‘love yourself’ and ‘learn to be self-sufficient’ when that’s actually a choice you have financial freedom enough to make

by Anonymousreply 99April 3, 2023 12:25 PM

Learning self-sufficiency, and to love and accept yourself, cost nothing. Convincing yourself otherwise is a trap that will keep you miserable forever.

by Anonymousreply 100April 3, 2023 12:52 PM

R100 ok then how? It costs nothing to be smug and tell people with less means to ‘just do it’ then not give any kind of possible guideline.

by Anonymousreply 101April 3, 2023 12:55 PM

R101, a good place to start is by honestly assessing your problems and taking full ownership of them, preferably with assistance from a well-qualified therapist. If therapy is unaffordable, the library is free, and there are also free online resources you can look into for guiding yourself through therapeutic exercises.

Make some modest goals and figure out what's necessary to achieve them. Do you need to learn how to manage money better? To increase your income? To learn how to drive? The library and the Internet can help with all of that. Is hunger a problem? Look into food pantries and EBT eligibility. If you struggle with housing, investigate whether you qualify for help with that, too. Are you capable of working from home but not in-person? Look into vocational rehab.

I spent my twenties and part of my thirties as a low-earner dealing with difficult personal circumstances. The answer was never going to be found in communal living or in blaming for society for every last one of my problems. Taking ownership of your life seems daunting, probably now more than ever with Internet echo chambers assuring us all that there's no point, it's all a rigged game. But you can approach it a little at a time, similar to how you might tackle cleaning a filthy kitchen by starting with one small countertop.

by Anonymousreply 102April 3, 2023 1:22 PM

I agree that bills have gone haywire, I lived with roommate situations for decades to save money or afford to live in Manhattan’. Amazingly, a large portion of NYC’s public housing are elderly single people living alone in multiple bedroom units that refuse to downsize.

Also, when I first moved to NYC, I met dozens of attractive, available men that “still lived with my ex” because they could afford to move.

My question was always, “OK, but does HE know he’s and ex??”


by Anonymousreply 103April 3, 2023 1:26 PM
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