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2 married couples divorced so they could become a polyamorous foursome

Rachel Wright never understood monogamy. As early as age 14, she remembers wanting to kiss a guy in choir while still being in a relationship with her boyfriend. "I don't understand why that's not possible," Wright said she thought.

So when she learned about non-monogamy in graduate school for psychology, she felt liberated. "People do this!" she thought. "I'm not just some deviant sexual weirdo that wants variety and enjoys sex as a hobby sometimes."

Still, it took Wright years to pursue polyamory – and an amicable divorce to create the nontraditional family she lives with today.

Wright, now a 34-year-old licensed marriage family therapist in New York, shared her story with Insider to raise awareness of polyamorous, queer relationships and the legislation – like the emergence of multi-person domestic partnership agreements – that supports them.

"These kinds of laws create a mindset shift" in communities, workplaces, and families, Diana Adams, Wright's lawyer and the executive director of the Chosen Family Law Center, told Insider. "It's a seal of approval from the government that this is something that's legitimate and should be respected."

On Wright's first date with her future husband, Kyle, they talked about their interest in non-monogamy. "But because our society is so mono-normative, I didn't really have the courage to say, 'Yes, this is what I want,' and neither did Kyle," Wright, who also identifies as bisexual, said.

Instead, the couple decided to stay together exclusively but check in frequently about potentially opening up their relationship. After nearly six years together, including a few years of marriage, they decided it was time.

The couple downloaded the Feeld app, listened to the Multiamory podcast, and started dating other people in 2018 and 2019. Around this time, Kyle also came out publicly as bisexual. "I found so much joy in watching Kyle blossom, and was feeling more and more like myself," Wright said. "It was just so fun."

Then, the COVID-19 pandemic struck, and the couple resorted to polyamorous online communities for "dates." In one early chat room, Wright met Yair Lenchner, who was in an open relationship with his wife, Ashley Giddens. "We just really clicked," Wright said.

Soon enough, Wright was flirting with Giddens, Kyle was joking with Lenchner, and all four couldn't stop texting.

At first, their dates were over Zoom. Then, the foursome met up outside in Brooklyn while maintaining six feet of distance to protect themselves from the coronavirus. "We just didn't stop talking," Wright said.

After a few months, they merged "pods" and alternated between homes and date nights. The women would have a romantic night at the Wright's apartment, for example, while the men, who are platonic, would watch movies at Lenchner and Giddens' place. Or, Kyle and Giddens would have a date night, or a triad or all four would go out.

"You know those relationships where all of a sudden you're like, 'Do we live together? Are we engaged?' It's the kind of whirlwind where it's happening, you're aware and you're consenting, but it's happening without you really pushing it," Wright said. "That's exactly how it was."

In 2021, about a year and a half after they met, the Wrights moved out of their Brooklyn apartment and into Giddens and Lenchner's upstate New York home. The "polycule" adopted a puppy and made spreadsheets organizing meals, laundry, home repairs, and who was spending which night with whom.

They were acting like a family of four – not two couples cohabitating or even swinging – but their legal unions didn't reflect that. Plus, the Wrights were helping to pay the mortgage, but weren't building equity.

That's when they sought the help of Adams, the lawyer, who's been on the front lines of passing multi-partner domestic partnership laws in three Massachusetts cities. There, poly families can gain protections like access to each others' health insurance or the ability to visit one another in the hospital.

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by Anonymousreply 67March 18, 2023 6:27 PM

"With that multi-partner domestic partnership, you could be married to one person, but a domestic partner to a different person, which is really radical and has never happened before," Adams, a founding member of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, said. "It also means that three of you could get into domestic partnerships with each other, or if I have a boyfriend and a girlfriend who are not in a relationship with each other, I could get into domestic partnership with each of them."

"So it really allows for the flexibility and the variety of relationships that we're seeing now," they added.

They are part of a nationwide movement to recognize multi-partner partnerships In consulting with Adams, Wright's polycule decided to file for divorces in late 2022 to get one step closer to a legally recognized foursome. Adams expects multi-partner domestic partnerships to become legal in smaller, progressive cities like Ithaca and Berkeley in the next six months or so, while bigger cities like New York will take longer to adopt similar policies, they said.

More immediately, divorce allowed Wright and her partners to be listed individually on a cohabitation agreement, and therefore work more equally toward home ownership. It also paved the way for them to choose who's on whose health insurance and relieved some burdens, like student loan debt, that spouses take on.

"With domestic partnerships, you don't entangle your finances like marriage," Adams told Insider. "In some ways, I think that's a good thing."

Since their divorces went through, Kyle has split from the polycule — a mutual, loving decision Wright said reflected divergent views of their futures, not the initial reason for divorce. She, Giddens, and Lenchner are still looking into securing a domestic partnership either in Massachusetts or closer to home, if and when the option becomes available nearby.

Cutting marital ties as a first step, Wright said, "was worth it to live a life that legally represents our relationship, both logistically and emotionally. Anything is worth that: to be able to be yourself."

by Anonymousreply 1March 17, 2023 11:04 AM


by Anonymousreply 2March 17, 2023 11:05 AM

[quote] The women would have a romantic night at the Wright's apartment, for example, while the men, who are platonic, would watch movies at Lenchner and Giddens' place.


That's such bullshit.

The women are the ones having sex, while the men are "just platonic."

It's always just a reason for straight guys to get off watching their wives/girlfriends having sex with each other.

The fact that the guys don't hook up is LAME and actually quite homophobic.

by Anonymousreply 3March 17, 2023 11:06 AM

This will end in tears.

by Anonymousreply 4March 17, 2023 11:07 AM

Yair is cute.

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by Anonymousreply 5March 17, 2023 11:09 AM

I didn’t read it all but they don’t seem to have any kids or use they/them pronouns (i.e. they’re not just following a trend/aren’t totally insufferable) so good luck to them.

by Anonymousreply 6March 17, 2023 11:10 AM

Yair isn't the cute one.

Kyle Wright is the cute one.

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by Anonymousreply 7March 17, 2023 11:12 AM

So I guess this story is really about the two lesbians in the middle, having their cake and eating it too.

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by Anonymousreply 8March 17, 2023 11:15 AM

If consenting adults agree, that’s cool by me. I don’t know why we have to congratulate all these people on their special arrangement. Just do it and leave me out of it. Are we sure they’re not exhibitionists, too?

by Anonymousreply 9March 17, 2023 11:16 AM

no need 2 broadcast mental illness, op, dear

by Anonymousreply 10March 17, 2023 11:25 AM

This is just a classic example of two straight guys taking advantage of two crazy chicks. This will just end horribly for the women.

by Anonymousreply 11March 17, 2023 11:27 AM

Kyle the husband already left the arrangement. Sounds like they were bored as a couple and on the brink of divorce anyway

by Anonymousreply 12March 17, 2023 11:28 AM

Sure. Why not? If it makes them happy. They are not hurting anyone.

by Anonymousreply 13March 17, 2023 11:29 AM

We believe in legally binding labels.

by Anonymousreply 14March 17, 2023 11:31 AM

The guys are platonic = borrowing.

by Anonymousreply 15March 17, 2023 11:34 AM

Link, R12?

Where did you see that?

by Anonymousreply 16March 17, 2023 11:34 AM

It is in the original article OP shared ^

by Anonymousreply 17March 17, 2023 11:37 AM

Thanks, R17. Found it, R12:

I have a bit of a large life update to share.

I know that what I share right now won’t be everything I will share on this topic. It’s still a bit raw — AND — it’s healed enough to share.

Kyle is moving out and we’re de-coupling/de-escalating/ending our current relationship(s).

Yair, Ash, and I all have a very clear vision of our futures (including starting trying to get pregnant soon) and after some deep and vulnerable convos, Kyle has realized that he isn’t quite there yet, needs and wants to do some work on himself, and figure out who he is.

Kyle and I met when we were in our early early 20s and I’ve watched Kyle grow and thrive and struggle and I love him and will love him for the rest of my life.

Is this permanent? I don’t know. Maybe.

But, for now, and for the foreseeable future, Kyle will be living in Brooklyn and Yair, Ash & I are going to stay at our house.

I’m riding waves of grief and other emotions I’m not super familiar with.

As usual, I’m sharing not just to update you on my life, but because I want you to see someone’s REAL life. This polycule, this family, loves each other so much and all we want is for each of us as individuals to be happy, content and living their best life. And right now, that means being apart from Kyle.

I didn’t know what picture to use for this. I’m figuring out what certain things feel and look like without Kyle as my partner. It’s surreal and also feels right and important.

I will do an AMA on this and Kyle has graciously agreed to do an AMA on the same (or close by) day as me so we can answer your questions.

Here’s to the only constant in life… change. 🥂

And Kyle, UM4E, & I will love you *always* no matter what your title is in my life.

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by Anonymousreply 18March 17, 2023 11:37 AM

I didn’t need to read OP’s long story to know that the two guys are not sexually involved with each other. Unless there’s guy-on-guy action involved, I’m not interested.

by Anonymousreply 19March 17, 2023 11:40 AM

Kyle is super cute.

I wonder if he's going to come out as gay, or if he's going back to living a straight life?

He looks like the type to go back to being in a monogamous relationship with one woman.

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by Anonymousreply 20March 17, 2023 11:44 AM

[quote]The fact that the guys don't hook up is LAME and actually quite homophobic.


A guy wants you to hook up with his wife. Why won't you do it? Because you're misogynistic?

by Anonymousreply 21March 17, 2023 11:47 AM

This story of these New England white people best symbolizes what my mother meant when she said, “Gringos locos!”

by Anonymousreply 22March 17, 2023 11:47 AM

This was a woman trying to be build a fantasy of polyamorous. Truth is, sounds like she’s banging a couple and her husband had to roll with it until he couldn’t anymore.

If the guys were banging that would be hot but they’re not so there’s going to be issues.

by Anonymousreply 23March 17, 2023 11:55 AM

[quote]"People do this!" she thought. "I'm not just some deviant sexual weirdo that wants variety and enjoys sex as a hobby sometimes."

Big leap from "people do this" to "I'm not crazy."

by Anonymousreply 24March 17, 2023 11:56 AM

Or, as a non- monogamous person, I can stay single, spend and save my own money, fuck around while being upfront with my partners about it, and spare myself the legal headaches of marriage and domestic partnerships.

Sign me in! Oh, that’s right, I’ve been signed in, decades.

by Anonymousreply 25March 17, 2023 11:56 AM

Kyle posted this a year ago:

It’s February 14th, so here is a post about 3 people I love.

Since we’ve met it’s been one amazing adventure after another.

We’ve all gone through incredible changes and have grown into the best family I could imagine.

With our puppy Penny testing our patience daily, I’m so happy to have spent another year together.

Many more to come. ❤️

Now he's moving on. I hope he finds a nice gal to settle down with.

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by Anonymousreply 26March 17, 2023 11:56 AM

R20 He’s hot but straight which means he was probably a total push over for his wife. He screams “anything you say dear”.

Some straight men need to be door mats like they were for their mothers. Just like some women need to be spoiled the way their fathers spoiled them.

by Anonymousreply 27March 17, 2023 11:57 AM

[quote] I'm not just some deviant sexual weirdo that wants variety

But ya' are, Blanche!

Ya' ARE some deviant sexual weirdo!!

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by Anonymousreply 28March 17, 2023 12:00 PM

[quote]Big leap from "people do this" to "I'm not crazy."

Huge. Gigantic. I hope she had a parachute for the landing.

by Anonymousreply 29March 17, 2023 12:02 PM

Being in a relationship with just one person is hard enough, much less trying to maintain a relationship with THREE other people.

Fuck that.

by Anonymousreply 30March 17, 2023 12:02 PM

Kyle married her about 5 1/2 years ago. They started in CA, moved to Denver, then to Brooklyn. Then they met this new couple and moved to upstate NY to live with them. Now he's back in Brooklyn by himself.

I honestly can't imagine moving that much in the span of five years. That seems crazy.

And one of the women started making posts about wanting to get pregnant. That was probably when it clicked with Kyle that shit was about to get real. I would have bailed too.

by Anonymousreply 31March 17, 2023 12:08 PM

Lol R31 you're so right.

He was probably like, "It's all fun and games until you bring a kid into the picture."

Any sane person can see that four adults in a polyamorous relationship shouldn't be raising a child.

by Anonymousreply 32March 17, 2023 12:10 PM

Agree with r31.

and they'll all rue the day they put this out on social media.

How weird is life today with internet technology?

And, I include my own weirdness by my participating in reading, and commenting, on this.

by Anonymousreply 33March 17, 2023 12:13 PM

[quote] Any sane person can see that four adults in a polyamorous relationship shouldn't be raising a child.

r32, when I first read this sentence, I dismissed it as pure Frau, "But, what about the children?" BS.

After thinking about it, I share your point - the parent-child dynamic, with all it good and bad, and its lasting impact on a person, is fraught enough with even one or two parents.

Why impose on a child more parents?

by Anonymousreply 34March 17, 2023 12:18 PM

Why IS so much of this out there? At least one must be an exhibitionist? Trying for a reality show?

Thanks to PP who clocked the dizzying array of moves in a short time, 12 step groups call that a geographic, no? Where you keep moving but there you and your crazy still are?

Kyle is turned away from the others many of the photos listed, not surprised he bounced.

I had an acquaintance who tried something like this. When a parent died there was no real support for them, jus the usual poly drama. A child is not a puppy. What if the kid is autistic or has other special needs that cut into the drama, sex and posting on SM?

by Anonymousreply 35March 17, 2023 12:18 PM

Does he still get to see Penny?

by Anonymousreply 36March 17, 2023 12:20 PM

R4 It's a Dateline Episode in the making

by Anonymousreply 37March 17, 2023 12:23 PM

R30, the whole point is avoiding intimacy. The more people you add to your “relationship,” the less you are expected to be emotionally present.

It’s kind of like when somebody invites you to lunch, but you don’t want to go because it makes you uncomfortable to be alone with that person, so you end up inviting other people to join you, so that way you can avoid really interacting with that one person.

by Anonymousreply 38March 17, 2023 12:26 PM

The inferior guy was immediately discarded and the two dykes are now sharing their sex toy of preference. I wonder if we'll get another cool article about their groundbreaking and fearless relationship after his impending suicide.

by Anonymousreply 39March 17, 2023 12:27 PM

These arrangements seem so exhausting to me.

Here's a story about a group of "pups" in SF.

So not only do these pups have puppy masters and the role-play nonsense, they have to deal with everyone else's day-to-day drama and BS.

Maybe it's because I'm an introvert, but all this socializing with a group of intimate partners would wear me out.

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by Anonymousreply 40March 17, 2023 12:28 PM

So Kyle identifies as bisexual but wasn't getting any dick from the other dude and then left? Erm..

by Anonymousreply 41March 17, 2023 12:34 PM

R41, it’s a form of virtue-signaling. You SAY you’re bisexual. You’re not actually expected to do anything.

by Anonymousreply 42March 17, 2023 12:37 PM

R60 My ex was telling me about some guy named "noodles and beef" who was a dom for freaks like this and I guess he died from injecting saline into his ballsack over and over again. Pretty cool!

by Anonymousreply 43March 17, 2023 12:38 PM

R43 They briefly touch on that in the piece:

Fog City Pack and other families like it shouldn’t be confused with the recent, infamous case of the polyamorous muscle bears led by a so-called master who allegedly got one of his “pups” to inject his scrotum with silicone, leading to his death. That relationship was more akin to master-slave roleplay, and even then it was taken to the extreme. Generally speaking, pups are looking for belly rubs, not deadly body modifications.

by Anonymousreply 44March 17, 2023 12:41 PM

This didn't even work out since the husband was bisexual and left the whole relationship, so he obviously wasn't into his wife just being fucked by everyone and him getting nothing. Not exactly sure why this is a story. It's a woman who got divorced and started living with a married couple because the other guy gets off on watching his wife have sex with women. I got no problem with doing that, but you don't need legal rights for that.

by Anonymousreply 45March 17, 2023 12:43 PM

All these crazy stories are why people like Ron DeSantis win elections.

by Anonymousreply 46March 17, 2023 12:43 PM

[quote]Kyle married her about 5 1/2 years ago. They started in CA, moved to Denver, then to Brooklyn. Then they met this new couple and moved to upstate NY to live with them. Now he's back in Brooklyn by himself.

[quote]I honestly can't imagine moving that much in the span of five years. That seems crazy.

The distance between Denver (Colorado) and Brooklyn (NYC) is the same distance between London (UK) and Moscow (Russia) -- around 1,800 miles (2,900 km).

I don't know how some Americans can just bounce from state to state or drive cross country as it were nothing. That's like someone traipsing across Europe on a regular basis.

by Anonymousreply 47March 17, 2023 12:47 PM

[quote]The fact that the guys don't hook up is LAME and actually quite homophobic.

I don't think you know what this word means.

by Anonymousreply 48March 17, 2023 1:49 PM

[quote]the men, who are platonic

That should have been the first sentence because it would have saved me all of that reading.

by Anonymousreply 49March 17, 2023 1:52 PM

[quote]All these crazy stories are why people like Ron DeSantis win elections.

It does give credence to the warnings from conservatives about how legalizing same-sex marriage in 2015 would be a slippery slope resulting in polygamy and sexual confusion/deviancy.

Now 8 years later and stuff like this, plus the whole transgender/nonbinary issue, just plays into their hands.

And we gays get the blame because to most people LGBT+ are just variants of homosexuality.

by Anonymousreply 50March 17, 2023 4:38 PM

It's no skin off of anyone's ass, if people want a poly relationship. Enjoy! Mazeltov!

However, it would be nice if the poly could refrain from attacking monogamy, or people who wish to be monogamous. If you want your choices to be respected, respect others' choices yourself.

by Anonymousreply 51March 17, 2023 4:47 PM


Those poor future kids.

by Anonymousreply 52March 17, 2023 5:01 PM

OK, so when the dust settled, the woman who wrote the article was left living with a husband and a sister-wife?

How cutting edge.

Outside of a Mormon compound.

by Anonymousreply 53March 17, 2023 5:02 PM

[quote]Kyle has realized that he isn’t quite there yet

From her Instagram post announcing the dissolution of the polycule. I really hate this condescending attitude.

by Anonymousreply 54March 17, 2023 5:07 PM

All I see are four megalomaniacs who feel the need the make their business public.

by Anonymousreply 55March 17, 2023 5:09 PM

Sounds more poly-amorphous to me.

by Anonymousreply 56March 17, 2023 5:10 PM

R24 Perspectives. Jimmy in his community college criminology class, reading about Jeffrey Dahmer, "oh, people do this! I am not crazy!"

by Anonymousreply 57March 17, 2023 5:17 PM

No wonder Kyle left. After over 10 years with this woman, he had come out as bisexual. They added another straight couple to the mix. But the other man was straight, so Kyle wasn't getting any man-on-man action. He could sleep with his ex-wife or the second woman. He "loved" the male partner, but there was no sex. So he wasn't getting anything for his bisexual side.

Meanwhile the straight guy, Yair, is having sex with two different women, and they are all fine with it. He must have felt like he had won the lottery. Now Yair will have the job of knocking up both of them. He's probably OK with that; the other straight dudes at the bar are likely jealous.

The two women were benefitting the most. They could go back and forth from male to female partner depending on their mood. Are they really bi? Could they be gay, and a group orgy is just a way to be with a woman without having to call themselves gay? Or maybe they're neither gay nor bi, but they just want to be "different".

I think an open relationship only works when two partners are discreet about what they do on the side. This arrangement they currently have will eventually result in jealousy. Either the two women will decide they no longer need the man (after they're done having kids), or the man will find himself closer with one of the two women.

by Anonymousreply 58March 17, 2023 5:20 PM

Here's a little twist to your theory, R58.

Kyle really seemed to be into the other lady too, and calls her his "girlfriend."

Interestingly, there's nothing about Yair on his Instagram.

I'm so confused.

But I do think that both these guys are just into some hot F/F action, which is why they were both just "platonic" with each other.

Typical straight male behavior.

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by Anonymousreply 59March 17, 2023 5:24 PM

This isn't a new thing. There have been tons of polyamorous relationships in a red state like Utah for decades.

by Anonymousreply 60March 17, 2023 5:33 PM

If you want conflict, three is an excellent number.

by Anonymousreply 61March 17, 2023 6:58 PM

[quote] I didn’t read it all but they don’t seem to have any kids or use they/them pronouns (i.e. they’re not just following a trend/aren’t totally insufferable)

[quote] Diana Adams, Wright's lawyer and the executive director of the Chosen Family Law Center

r6 Btw her lawyer who runs the org "for LGBTQIA+ & polyam families" is a "they/them" white woman in a heterosexual marriage with a child.

Kyle may be a real bisexual who had a late in life awakening (and didn't get any dick here) or just like plenty in queer/lgbtq+ community, those who became bisexual through enlightened open mind and 'yes to possibility' (without having to do any gay sex).

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by Anonymousreply 62March 18, 2023 2:34 AM

Kyle I need you! 😩

by Anonymousreply 63March 18, 2023 2:38 AM

The guy probably tells his male acquaintances that his lives with "my wife" and "my girlfriend", but I bet the primary relationship is actually between the two women.

by Anonymousreply 64March 18, 2023 5:42 PM

The two men are straight and monogamous which reveals this whole “relationship” is about two typical, self-entitled, self centered white women wanting to scissor one another while also pretending to be married to men with all the security married to a man brings to many women.

WHY are straight men so stupid? The whole idea of male power is a myth. Women run things. Most men are just their pussy craving sycophants.

by Anonymousreply 65March 18, 2023 6:09 PM

"Women run things"

Women run their own sex lives, at least.

Funny how some men have a problem with that.

by Anonymousreply 66March 18, 2023 6:21 PM

Just more straight male fetish shit.

by Anonymousreply 67March 18, 2023 6:27 PM
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