What are your tips for stopping yourself thinking about a guy you are obsessed with?

Get. Other. Guys.

or. a. dildo.

^The other guys will be better and you'll wonder why you wasted so much time on someone who wasn't really there for you.

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Why do you call yourself Dark Minge Lord?

Oh, Dark Mini Lord. Why?

How do you do this for someone you aren't sexually interested in or engaged with? Like a guy you just hate and ruminate on?

There's this one cousin I have who everyone loves and showers with adulation but who I find despicable and fake and untrustworthy, and the way he's thriving makes me furious with the injustice of it all. I just want to enjoy a mindset wherein he doesn't even exist. I don't know why I can't ignore him when I want to so much.

Therapy.

Medication.

Delete pictures and conversations that you've shared.

Block him on every app and social.

Stop posting about him/texting him.

*You can do this, DML

In my experience, obsession over someone has more to do with how that person made you feel, made you think about yourself. Usually it's something you've never experienced before in your life. So you made that person the source of that feeling, like you can't have it without them.

I would very objectively try to find out what it was they made me feel about myself that I hadn't felt before, or thought before. Think about who I was before I met them and how did it change when I met them. And realize they are not the source of that feeling. The feeling came from you, they just awakened it in you. Then figure out ways you can achieve the same feeling on your own.

A lot of those first time feelings are like - I am actually likeable, loveable / I am actually responsible / I am actually attractive, sexy / I am the type of person someone wants... People we obsess over make us feel something we either doubted about ourselves or didn't know existed. And initially you feel without them, you can't be that person.

Castration

I kind of get this sensation... when you're in the early days of something (or ultimately not in the early days of something) and you want to get on with it but in the exchange as you inch toward each other there are times when you surrender control, because you've sent the message and now you're waiting for the reply and it's driving you nuts. That's fairly usual.

It could signal you are too lonely, with too few people in your life generally, and so are too dependent on situations like this for meaning.

So call your friends or do something useful to occupy your time. Spend some time reflecting on yourself even. Your posts suggest you are a pretty short tempered, narrow minded person (although progressive.) Maybe you want to learn to lighten up and open your mind a little to become someone who is more attractive to others. Then again you could just be an intolerant shit on DL and lovely in real life. Only you know.

And also follow the breakup timeline rule, if this is indeed a break up, whether a friendship or a relationship. It takes 3 months for every year you have known someone to get over them.

R10

I'm not saying that self-examination won't help, but that's a very intellectual approach. Sometimes understanding why we act a certain way doesn't actually help us stop the behavior. So the other suggestions, such as blocking this guy on all apps and pursuing other men are also important.

I don’t think I’ve ever become obsessed with someone. If you mean a crush, well sure. That has not particularly bothered me- in fact I rather enjoy it. But then I don’t act on it unless I get some pretty solid signals of interest. And now I am simply too old for most guys- thankfully not all. It’s funny- the few attractive guys close to my age are rarely interested in me- they go for younger. But some younger guys do still go after me-specialists I call them. I would much prefer someone close to my age, but I’m grateful for what remains, lol.

Practically speaking the way to relieve yourself from frustration, is to remove yourself from the source. There is so much to do and be interested in at any stage of life- why barrel up dead ends?

[quote]There's this one cousin I have who everyone loves and showers with adulation

Is this you?

When you drink, put away your phone, because that only leads to trouble.

[quote]I'm not saying that self-examination won't help, but that's a very intellectual approach.

R15 yes it is. But in these situations, immediate compartmentalization helps. Yes you want to remove yourself from the situation, blocking someone so you can sort yourself out. But while you've blocked them you will still be obsessed over, "Are they thinking about me?" Or you'll still try to put yourself in their line of view to see if you can provoke a response are reaction. Then you'll obsess over "Why aren't they noticing me." You'll be in the corner dancing on your own...

So fight fire with fire. Turn the psychosis of obsession into the cold psychosis of detachment. At least the latter will lead to self-care, self-preservation. And you will find yourself and who you are absent of their influence.

Do you think she's really obsessed though or just using the world colloquially?

watch a bunch of stalker films and take a few seconds during the melodramatic parts to glance at a mirror.

This is not a diagnosis, but OCD.app has a section for dealing with recurring negative thoughts, including for relationships.

Get someone to put you through a clockwork orange style torture procedure while you scroll his insta

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I’m still kinda obsessed about someone whom I first saw at SPLASH bar in NYC in 1995. He was slim, cool 😎 and very good looking. He cruised me a number of times in 1995 and especially 1996. I have not seen him since December 2001 but I still think about him every day. It’s kinda pathetic because I never really spoke to him- and I was half in love with him. I never knew his name either.

OK, well if you haven't had friends since 2015 and think you're just strongly principled not a dick and feel you're actually clinically obsessed with him, you need a new strategy. And you won't find it here.

Do whatever you can to make yourself as attractive as possible. If he wasn’t interested, it’s because he didn’t find you attractive. The benefits of doing this is even if he still doesn’t find you attractive, you have now made yourself attractive for other men, thus dramatically increasing your odds of finding some other guy who is just as great as the previous guy if not better.

Wrong, R28, she's just admitted "I'm obsessed with him. I'm not using the word colloquially as you put it". The solution isn't attracting the poor guy.

I am kind of in the same predicament OP. The only difference is he is out of a long relationship and does express interest, but is not “in a position commit but want to get to know you”. I think this is even worse because you end up in a state of limbo.

[quote]I haven't had friends since 2015.

You've always got us!

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You have got the obsession or have been fucked really good you're obsessed.

I was like this last year over a guy who fucked me incredibly. The obsession was awful. Then I met two guys this year and they broke me out of it.

Hang in there op.

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R24

I'm not trying to offend you, but several times I have misread your name like that and I don't have dyslexia. It must be the typeface. I just looked up "minge," having no idea what that meant.

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[...]

You sound a little unhinged in general OP, and not just in this case - if you don't mind me saying.

Thanks Minilord, R30 here. It is tough. I know I am at like a 9/10 with him and hes more like a 5/10 so learning to cool it is hard. I overanalyze every interaction which isn't healthy. I just need to go with the flow but that is easier said than done....

DGL, Here's the awful truth: You won't. Oh, you'll eventually stop obsessing, like with most things/people/events in our lives. And you'll wonder why you ever were that crazy about him.

But you won't forget. And every now and then you might even Google. For the heck of it. However, one day, I promise you, your thoughts won't be accompanied by any internal turmoil.

OP, maybe the fact that you overthink things is what turned this guy off.

And I must add, however hokey or corny or plain stupid this might seem, I have always found solace and self-respect in this song:

R43 = r41. 😇

Find the downsides about this person and focus repeatedly on them. You have to change the way your brain associates them by rerouting it from good to bad. It’s the best way to get over anyone. Each time he comes to mind focus on all the bad things about him, or the bad effects this fixation with him is causing you and all the pain. Keep at it for several days, you’re basically rewiring your brain, it will work with a little persistence.

PS I always misread your name as “Dark Minge Lord” too. I don’t know what that says about me.

Best of luck to ye.

OP you're probably obsessing over an idea of him that doesn't match reality. No judgment - I do the same thing. Is this the same guy who you went out with and then he ghosted and you were really upset? If so, you've likely created this person in your mind that has very little to do with who actually he is.

Have you ever read about limerence? I have issues with that. Not fun.

If this is someone you don't know very well, just remind yourself that you're obsessing over a fantasy and the actual reality of a relationship with this person would probably be a lot less fun and exciting.

This is the lowest level advice that pisses off people with real problems, but taking vitamin D/getting sun and taking magnesium can help low level anxiety, bad sleep and a general funk. If your brain is driving you nuts, set a timer and walk or exercise with a podcast on whatever interest you had before the internet killed it. Watch whatever series you’ve put off so your mind has something else to mull on.

Time and no contact! You must accept that this relationship you've created in your mind cannot be, and you must take as long as you need to grieve the loss.

Been there, done that. It's torture. Took me three years of almost no contact, therapy, and finding someone else to crush on. The new relationship is less intense and the new dynamic is a little different so it's more manageable. Plus, the therapy work really has given me new perspectives and tools to deal with this current relationship.

Now, I can hardly even believe myself that I was so desperately addicted to the first guy. You'll get there too, but it must start with cutting all contact with the object of your obsession.

R14 well, I’ve technically known my person all his life and most of mine, though we were only close for a few summers as kids, and now only see each other every handful of years. So by your calculation it would take me at least six or seven years to get over my intense hatred, and that number compounds every passing year...

remind myself that i came off like a stalker psycho

then move on

R45 I tried this the opposite way with the subject of my hate, but I just couldn’t override the danger signals he provoked in my system to come up with much of anything truly good about him. Even the surface level good he does seems contrived or forced. I think he's a charming, convincing sociopath, end of story.

And my entire family say it’s irrational, and that I’m lying or faking my gut feeling about him just for pettiness or envy or attention. They say I “don’t really hate him”, I “just want what he has” (gaslighting?). So I can’t even go no contact on him without losing support of most of my family.

Obsession over someone ("The best sex I've ever had!", "The one who got away!", or similar) who doesn't miss fucking you or seeing you or who doesn't even think about you, is self abuse. They aren't hurting you, you are doing damage to yourself, over and over. Your problem is inside of you and has little to do with this other guy, you are just projecting.

He can't fix you. You have to find a way to fix yourself. 🤕

R10 was really perceptive. I have very low self esteem so I tend to be attracted to very charismatic narcissists who make me feel good about myself and are fun to be with. Being that I have had so little in my life it's like a drug of happiness for me. Of course it is most definitely going to end because they have you and then they move on. For me to get over them it takes a lot of time so you hope it attenuates. I know it's hard to find that high on your own when you've gotten it through other people. It helps to have a therapist who you really look forward to talking to. And find a great sensual not sexual massage therapist who you like a lot. It's important to be soothed by the touch of another man you like even if you are paying them.

It's a form of OCD. look up how to deal with OCD.

Maybe the guy read your anti-American posts and pro-Republican posts and realized how insane and deranged you really are. Maybe he wonders why you stir up anti-Biden shit when you aren’t even American.

Or maybe he’s read your blithering nonsense rants about “gay men fucking pussy” where you just get crazier and crazier.

You’re a sick fuck. Not “passionate”, just truly insane and demented.

He’s so lucky to have escaped your depravity, DARKMINGELORD.

I'm pretty sure I read a thread the other day with this exact situation and lamenting and going on and on. What this says, op, it's not that you want to break away from this but that you want to pull as many people in as possible to listen to your bullshit. And bullshit it is. You need to do some serious work on yourself if you are obsessing over someone who has rejected you, donkey dick or not. Deep down you may be a nice person, but on the surface you were acting insufferable.

It is totally understandable that rejection of any kind hurts. We as humans have the tendency try to examine that from different angles and figure out what went wrong, what could I do differently, what could I change, holding out a weird sense of hope that unlocking the mystery will fix it. It won't.

Get angry, then feel shitty for a little while, then start to get over it. If you can't move on, if you find yourself with a tendency to keep starting threads here so that more people will give you their advice that you don't really want, then that is a flashing red light that you need professional help that you don't quit after one session. Instead of going to multiple therapists once so they would hear you out, you should have gone to one multiple times you could make some actual progress.

Focus on things that keep your mind occupied elsewhere. Watch movies and TV shows, read books, do crossword puzzles -- whatever engages your mind fully. (That varies from person to person.) Volunteering is a cliche answer, but it does really help you get outside of yourself. You might not be open to making friends, but you can certainly make friendly acquaintances.

DARKMINGELORD is as insane as Matthew Anscher.

DARKMINGELORD is as hateful as Defacto.

Everyone deals with these kinds of things differently. Some are stronger than others on this subject. Easy to dismiss if you are one of those.

🧐 Lost friends in 2015…. if in the US it might suggest political differences.

Bitches, it's Dark Gemini Lord, not Dark Minge Lord!

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Does this one eat meat, too?

I don't know why I added a comma.

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Go take a shit!

start gardening, u get one life, focus on u and the people who likes u. Stop wasting ur life on the people who hates u. if not, when u r in ur dead bed, u will regret wasting all these precious time on them instead of urself

Just remind yourself he's married to Meghan Markle.

I thought this was a new guy. Yeah you just have to let it go

Come to me, my soulmate..

Accept your mental illness will never change because you're too selfish and stupid to grow as a human being and put yourself out of our misery.

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this is ur life, u r the main character, why r u letting them be the main character in ur story. Start working out, do something physical

Take long walks. They’re free and you’ll feel better afterward. It’s much, much harder to think yourself into a new attitude than it is to let your body’s own restorative systems do their jobs. You may have to walk a LOT, but that’s life.

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Eat him.

Stop posting 24 obsessed threads about me.

Gurl its been so long since I've been obsessed with a guy, I forgot!

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Devise a “crime sheet” listing all of his bad qualities, OP. List even petty things. Especially petty things. Make a long list of negative qualities, mean things he said to you, dumb beliefs he holds.

Then, when you’re tempted to contact him, you’ll look at the crime sheet. Hopefully you’ll look at the crimes often enough where you’ll get bored with it/him and realize how good you have it without him.

I only obsessed twice. It was because I had no self-esteem or self-worth. I wanted to live through them; ride around in their pocket all day; have them think only of me. Of course some devious people will exploit that, like an addict needs a connection.

I felt disgusted when it was finally in my rearview mirror. I stopped looking and dating. Started concentrating on being my own best friend. Stopped putting people on pedestals.

I don't 'need' a relationship anymore. And I decided to let someone pursue me for once. Hasn't happened. But that's okay; that's reality.

Think unsexy thoughts!

Dark Gemini Lord.

He's into astrology and magic.

Dark, you need to find someone else! Ruminating in thoughts isn't going to do anything to make him telepathically reconnect with you!

You only think there's no one like him because you're tunnel vision focused on him. Download some apps, go out with friends, go meet people and interact. Let your brain focus on something else and forget what his name.

That post that said you were torturing your self is right. I hope you see the futility of wanting some one who doesn't want you.

That guy I liked and was obsessed over is super into me now but I don't care because I found better guys. Strange how people like you when you couldn't give a fuck. I'm never settling for being treated that way again.

R85- is right, shift the focus onto something new, if he likes u, he will tell u, if not u r just wasting ur time instead of enjoying all ur other choices

I got drunk at a karaoke bar with coworkers and went Yvonne Elliman on his ass with ‘I Don’t Know How To Love Him/If I Can’t Have You’ medley. It was cathartic, but it didn’t bring us closer. I put in my notice the following Monday and fled the state for my peace of mind. He’s still the one and I haven’t gotten over his getting over me.

R47 For 16 years, I have been hung up on my first infatuation to varying degrees - we were close friends. It fucked me up big time in my teens, and I'm definitely 'over it' now but still think about him from time to time. And in all that time, I have never heard the word limerence which describes it perfectly - so thanks for that.

[quote] I got drunk at a karaoke bar with coworkers and went Yvonne Elliman on his ass with ‘I Don’t Know How To Love Him/If I Can’t Have You’ medley. It was cathartic, but it didn’t bring us closer.

I'm not surprised. Couldn't you have at least chosen something cool to sing?

Every time you think of him, quickly switch to thinking of Donald Trump’s tiny mushroom penis. That’ll go it.

^ *do it.

[quote] Strange how people like you when you couldn't give a fuck.

Fr. I have this issue with my family. The few relatives I actually like and who I want to like me treat me with disdain, whereas the rest who I find offputting and embarrassing and don’t want around seem to want to get close to me. It’s so vexing.

Snaps for R10

Let yourself think about him. Boredom will eventually set in and you’ll find better things to occupy your mind with.

Avoidance and distraction are good in the short term.

My hate-object will be in town this weekend, so I'm deliberately scheduling movie trips, dinner out and other activities by myself. 'No be there', as Miyagi would say.

Yeah ok R10. I just awaken the big giant dick inside myself and give it to myself.

^^ the big giant dick feeling 'came from me'

Thought of this thread today after a hook-up, who I thought might become more, contacted me out of the blue after a 2-year ghosting. He apologised and wrote some other nice words. I'll admit I was a bit hung up on the guy because the circumstances at the time seemed to work so perfectly. When he ghosted, I reacted angrily, which got me through the first year. But in the second year I started to thaw and write off the experience as a fun time, and a wasted opportunity on his part, but I still had a tinge of bitterness. Through it all I was still just curious about the "why" and was concerned about what he was going through.

Hearing from him today was very nice because it put a lot of my questions to bed. I took a beat, and wrote an appropriate reply. He immediately wrote back, and I had a bit of a joyful feeling that I used to have years ago when we communicated. In the end, it was just a Thank You for my reply. So now he's on my mind again, but I have some context to keep my feelings under rein.

I still will try to distract myself today with balancing my checkbook and finances, even the unpleasant ones. I hope that my feeling of accomplishment later this afternoon will be enough of an ego boost that I will feel above the act of "wondering what could have been."

Good luck OP.

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Seek therapy. Now.

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You’re an anti-American and biphobic ass who thinks that men having sex with women is “homophobic.” Tbh, just seeing your foaming at the mouth tirades months ago about something as inconsequential about “gay” porn stars dabbling in other genres of porn already told me you were unhinged. It may hurt reading this, but you are indeed very narrow-minded (and no, I’m not the other poster upthread who initially said that). If you’re legitimately interested in self-improvement, then you should long and hard about how this attitude and mentality may be easily spilling over into your everyday IRL interactions. (I’m Also just realizing this was a one-time hookup…. I entered this thread assuming this was a Bona fide ex, which is a whole other issue). Harsh words but I’m being real.

Should THINK*

No.

OP It could be limerence, google it.

This is a very good article about it. However if you scroll down to the readers comments they make fore great reading.

^ for great reading.

I was waiting in line at my Local Trader Joe's in 2015. When I got to the head of the line the cashier said- You've been coming here for a while I should introduce myself- He shook my hand and asked my name and where I lived. I was tongue tied. I had noticed him months before and was attracted to him but assumed he was straight. A week later I was in the same store looking at some items on the shelf when someone from behind me said- HI JAMES!- as if they knew me. It was the same cashier who had introduced himself the week before. I was tongue tied again and acted indifferent. After that he backed off and I regretted it since then and still think about him a LOT. He was so good looking and seemed like such a nice person. Oh well.

Murder/suicide. Your best option.

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r7, I have the same problem as you. There are a couple of people I feel that way about. I fucking just hate them but I have no choice, I have to deal with them in my daily life. can't avoid them.

There is someone I am thinking too much of right now. I can't avoid him at work or play. He lives in my neighborhood and so I run into him outside of work as well.

The guy is a slut and he has expressed interest in me by the way he looks at me many times etc but he is a friend of my partner's so I can't fuck him. I check his social and see who he's fucking etc. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, he's not even my type. I cannot avoid him to rid myself of this obsession.

For those wondering, DARKMINGELORD's post at r110 was NOT the endif it.

He didn't get over it. He posted here that he went nuts, hacked the guy's social media, and fucked it up.

He said the police wanted to speak to him about it.

Is DARKMINGELORD in some Australian jail now???

He's an asshole on here.

r114

Get a book about "limerence" or look online for tips - and there are youtube videos about it but some are suspect.

Being prone to crushes and obsessions often relates back to some kind of emotional "arrested development" but there are self-help practices that can help you. A lot of it is cognitively realizing what's going on - sometimes it's not them you're really into - it's something you crave that's about YOU.

Where did he admit all that, R113? I haven't seen his name on here for a while now.

Prozac and a rubber band around your wrist. Exercise, hobbies, classes, volunteering.

Acetaminophen is supposed to make you care less about things. Just don't take it with alcohol!!!

r117, DARKMINGELORD started a new thread in May about how he was worried he was going to be arrested. Then he described his crimes of stalking and harassing this guy who didn't want him. He said clearly that he hacked into the guy's social media and fucked it up.

He said he knew the police were coming to see him.

So, Advice Givers of DL: no one listens. Why do you waste your time? DARKMINGELORD ignored all of your sage advice and went scorched earth anyway, as he always planned to.

r116 really thinks he's helping others here. Inane.

Thank you, R119.

Oh yes I remember that r119 hahahaha! And that's only what he's telling us. Who knows what else he's done.

Well, at least he's getting his ass pounded while he's in jail. So, that will be a win for him.

Any Australians know him?

r119 was that thread deleted?

R124

DARKMINGELORD was apparently last here on June 11, 2023.

He admits he got a warning form the police as well as a restraining order against him from his victim.

please, I need help!

Self respect OP. It helps

OP, R41 here. I'll add this bit of mine: He had regular shopping habits. I'd show up. (Did I mention he calmly dumped me after 20 years and no parting gifts?) Didn't really take long to get back with him, until I got him to say he still loved me. When I walked away that day I felt free. The spell was broken.

The next "encounter" I had, so to speak, was at least a couple years later when I read his obituary (sudden). I didn't even gasp.

Heartbreak is like losing weight: Only time and trying will produce positive results.

[quote] The US is sinking faster than the organs of Lizzo encumbered by colossal fat.

You are that special brand of crazy where most people can just tell that you will most likely be dead within 10 years. Like, you can’t say exactly how or exactly when, but crazy people like you generally end up on the street begging for coins and dead within a decade.

r130