Let's Be An Epic Lesbian Movie

I'm the u-haul that never arrives at it's destination

I'm the day without dyke drama... only to discover she was str8 the entire time.

OP is the never ending queefing that gets all the girls all amorous.

I'm the documentary for Erasure fans. Lesbian Erasure Fans.

Lezzies aren't into Erasure. Are ya drunk?

I'm the bed... nothing happens.

I’m the café open-mic quality of the singer-songwriter tracks on the OST. Many middle-aged bedreaded white women sing in my yelping earnest style.

I'm the weathered, mysterious sage who manages, but doesn't own, the neighborhood pawn shop. Whenever the protagonist scrapes enough money together to buy back her dead mother's ring, I'm always waiting with a "hang in their, girl" message of support.

I'm the coveted bread pudding and loaded baked potatoes

I'm the underwear of my one true love bunched up on the floor... I know we connected but I can't remember her name or what she looks like. I'll have to scour the city to match the dirty pair to find my queen.

I'm the last butch in a world of femmes.

I'm the pick up truck chasing the Subaru scene with a closeup of a Birkenstock on the accelerator pedal.

I'm the main character who knows everything, is more capable than anyone else, has no discernable flaws, and makes sassy derogatory jokes to my hapless male assistants while I save the day single handedly.

I make it look easy!

I’m all of the symbolic imagery…..clams, flannel shirts, cans of tuna, hairy armpits, and sagging tits.

I'm Captain Marvel's girlfriend.

Women talking. I watched that this morning. Goddamn. Horrifying, they aren't Lesbians, but you watch that movie, know that its true and then forget it. I never should have watched it.

I'm 'Foxfire'. I was released 28 years ago, and there has never been a sapphic film to equal me made since.

I'm the soundtrack made up of 100 CPAP machines humming in unison.

Don't forget the Doc Martens. Every lezzy must have a couple pairs.

I'm the scene where the drunk frat bro grabs the femme's ass as she walks past a bar, and the butch, walking a few paces behind her, takes on him and three other frat bros and administers an epic beatdown to all four without breaking a sweat (though she does break a few bottles over their heads).

She concludes with a brief lecture on the male gaze and the perils of underestimating the sisterhood.

In the audience, many husky hoots and hollers are heard in solidarity.

R20 am blushing and giggling and kicking my feet in the air rn

I'm "Julie d'Aubigny"! I'm a historical film about a real-life lesbian who sang opera, fought duels, cross-dressed, and seduced nuns! I was the badass of 19th century France, and every man who ever felt my fist or my sword muthafucking knew it!

Why the hell did they make the dull "Gentleman Jim", instead of a story about me. 90% of that shitshow was Jim haggling about money.

I'm Dykes To Watch Out For finally being made into a live action film and convincing someone to do a series.

We're the extras performing Amish clogging in the background during the climactic barn dance scene. Wardrobe saved a bunch of money on our account -- because we just brought our own shoes that we wear when performing this at all our home get-togethers!

D

Y

K

E

S

The glamour lesbian sister brought over the lGerman-made lesbian film Aime and Jaguar to watch together. The husbear and I gave each other side eye, but the film turned out to be excellent.

True story of a Nazi officer's wife with 4 kids who falls in love with a woman she later learns is a Jew.

I'm the annoying character played by Kate McKinnon.

I'm the howls in the distance of the she-wolves baying for blood at the menstrual moon.

I'm the toilet seat that must be kept down at all times.

[quote]I'm the annoying character played by Kate McKinnon.

With an inexplicable Australian accent, because some idiot told her she was good at doing them.

She's not.

I'm the 1990s. Lesbian films were good while I was alive.

R11 and I am the last high-femme in a gangland of butches😔

I'm the convent school girl who becomes a nun...

I’m the lack of sleeves

I’m the moment in which a piece of fruit is erotically consumed. There’s always one.

I’m Asuka. I have saved and defends and protected and inspired every damsel in the Tokyo Prefecture..except myself.

I'm the tastefully simulated passion

R34 isn't it sleeves rolled to or past the elbow? That's what I always heard was the stereotype. Though I guess vests and ripped-off sleeves are very butch.

I am the lack of any men, and any male dialogue, and any plot point involving men.

I'm Denise, a plucky womon with an entrepreneurial spirit!

I’m the lingering looks between the eyes. The camera isn’t wholly focused on tits.

I’m the better production values than what the boys get. My films aren’t released through WOLFE video or Breaking Glass.

I can therefore afford a director of photography and an actor that can walk and talk

I'm the terrifying degree of overanalysing the most minute low-stakes shit.

I'm the soccer ball.

I'm the proud swagger after getting my girlfriend off.

I’m the gratuitous and superfluous twunk. I’m just random eye candy to get gay men and straight women to see this movie.

I'm another Oscar ready to be grasped by one Ms, Blanchett.

I'm the end credits folksy song, a duet between Melissa Etheridge and k.d. lang.

I'm the bi woman who's only been with men, and who's never climaxed like this, if at all!

I'm Themyscira.

I’ve stated my boundaries. Clearly.

I’m the old sage played by a big star, most likely Kathy Bates, who makes a surprise appearance about 15 minutes from the end. I’ve been hanging on to a love letter that holds a secret, or some such thing, that will allow the protagonist to piece everything together.

I’m all the hairs in Donna’s teeth after she eats out 20 lezzies lined up pussy-by-pussy.

I'm the Autostraddle staff, redefining the movie as "queer" rather than "lesbian", and gnashing our teeth at the lack of representation of any number of things that make us feel superior to point out.

R54 ugh Auto are the fucking worst. And they've been the fucking worst for a good several years. Up there with PinkNews for awful.

I'm the title; Salome and Her Dance of the Seven Chins

R56 idk plenty of straight middle-aged and elderfrauen have jowls aplenty, it's not a lesbian marker

R55, I sympathise! I’m a gay man but even I can see how terrible they are. In the right mood they are hilarious to laugh at because the things they say are so stupid, but you can also see how damaging they can be too. I see why so many lesbians are pissed off with them.

[quote]ugh Auto are the fucking worst.

They are running a fundraiser now, and say they need $175K in the next two weeks or they won't survive! That seems incredibly steep for that short period of time, surely they're not going to raise that much from their readers? How on earth do they stay afloat?

Also, whenever they do these fundraisers, they're so obnoxious about it. No gratitude, just: "you owe us this money" type speak.

I’m the gamine baby dyke with a pixie cut and a taste for revenge.

R60 oh you don't even need to cue up a 2 hour film for that..

I'm the homoerotic haircut scene

I'm the all-girls' school. Lesbianism blossoms within my walls.

I’m vampiresses. I’m never out of style or passé.

I'm Little Darlings, an epic lesbian movie that didn't start out that way...

If this is a mainstream movie, then I'm the random silken draperies blowing around during the love scenes.

[quote]They are running a fundraiser now, and say they need $175K in the next two weeks or they won't survive! That seems incredibly steep for that short period of time, surely they're not going to raise that much from their readers?

Well, as of today (that is, it's been three days since the above was posted) they have apparently raised $173,328.66! How on earth does an indie publication do that?

I'm Sara "They/Them" Ramirez, the star of the movie.

I'm what makes this dyke flick an EPIC.

I’m the masculine, athletic but still sexy lesbian who runs around in a 1979 tank too and running short outfit the entire movie

I'm the delicious teaching/learning how to kiss under false pretenses, and the ensuing heartache after everything's been said and done.

I am starring in it.

I'm the rubber, battery-operated phallus that steals the spotlight when it becomes accidentally activated during an otherwise serious moment. No actual penetration is shown on screen.

I am also starring in it

I’m Drew Gregory’s endless complaints in his Autostraddle/Letterboxd reviews that the lesbian movie contains too many mentions of vagina and *gasp* no mention of penis and how this is incredibly problematic!

Letterboxd, like DL, is one of those '10% worth suffering and dying for' sites. When it's good, it's fucking fantastic. But it's not usually good.

(I know it’s off topic, R75, but any advice on where to look for the fantastic side of it? I haven’t had much luck there yet - and certainly not with Drew’s ‘faggoty’ reviews!)