Let's be a Teacher During a Mass Shooting

They have mass shootings in hospitals too.

Churches, supermarkets, shopping centers, office buildings, nightclubs…there’s no escape, bunkie.

I'm wondering whether that bullet resistant glass they installed will resist the bullets coming at me!

I'm wondering why we didn't do more prep for knife fights

I'm Cameron Diaz from Bad Teacher seeing if I can pacify this white dweeb with some hot WAP.

I wondering why I didn’t abort my attention starved son/OP.

Honestly it’s way too sad to joke about.

R6, I knew a sensitive cunt would come here. I'm the shaking in my boots physics teacher wondering if there is an afterlife.

I'm a teacher and I replied at r2 and r3. I think about this stuff everyday.

I'm the morbidly obese frau SPED teacher who couldn't save one of her students if her life depended on it.

I'm the teacher who caused this mess by fucking students in bubble fuck America. Can we say love triangle.

This thread was inspired by a friend of mine who is a teacher at a posh Catholic high school in New Orleans She is shooketh because of everything happening in the country.

Which student should I use as a shield?

R1, don’t forget ballroom dance halls for the elderly and mushroom farms.

Let's not.

I'm secretly hoping the gunman takes out Scottie Dunsmore.

Seriously, that kid is a complete shit.

On the bright side, this should get us out of having to do report cards now.

I’m a teacher who starts another mass shooting to kill the students I hate in the mass shooting

Wow, how totally unfunny. OP's a piece of work.

I’m the last minute in the life of a defenceless public servant, looking at her class of terrified second-graders who have obeyed instructions and picked up a rock from the bucket, which Republican politicians think is the solution to the armed-to-the-teeth psycho who is currently kicking in the door.

I’m keeping the shooters Gus loaded. As she shoots I’m pointing out the bad kids who are lowering the grade point average and not doing there homework.

I think the bucket of rocks in r19 is a good idea, to be honest. When a cop came out to do our active shooting training, he emphasized that it's important to use whatever you have at hand to "fight," if "flight" and "hide" are not options. We were told to think about books, desks, and chairs as weapons in a worst-case scenario.

R21, I think the bucket of rocks is a monumentally stupid idea. I’m sure the idea of throwing stuff (chairs, books, bags, desks, phones) at a shooter has occurred to people before now. How often is it effective?

It’s a stupid idea, but it will make politicians look like they are doing something to solve a problem they are unable and unwilling to address effectively.

I'm the teacher going through the guidance counsellor's desk searching for a flask of hard liquor.

I'm Miss Shuster.

"Attention! Attention! This is Miss Schuster. Please listen very carefully. A swarm of killer school shooters is coming this way!"

I’m the cell phone the teacher can’t use during the attack because she doesn’t earn enough to pay the bill.

[quote] I think the bucket of rocks is a monumentally stupid idea. I’m sure the idea of throwing stuff (chairs, books, bags, desks, phones) at a shooter has occurred to people before now. How often is it effective. It’s a stupid idea, but it will make politicians look like they are doing something to solve a problem they are unable and unwilling to address effectively.

Sorry, but it's you who is the stupid one.

During your attack, yell as loud as possible and throw what you can, says Ready, a FEMA program. Try to improvise a weapon using nearby items such as chairs, fire extinguishers or scissors.

I'm the teacher who has been shot and is bleeding out on the floor while waiting for assistance from the heavily armed police who won't come in because the chief is afraid one of the police might get hurt.

I'm the teacher who tries to calm a room full of kids as they are being stalked in the halls.

MARY!!!!!! me all you want; but I can't even summon gallows humor regarding mass shootings anymore.

OP/R11, people with your disordered personality ought not to attempt threads requiring taste and talent to manage.

I'm the shop teacher who has to construct crosses to memorialize the dead children. Pretty funny.

This is hysterical, OP: I'm the kindergarten teacher who has to clean up the splattered brains and detached body parts of the students. It's not much work, because they were only five and still pretty small.

I'm the smell of rotting frogs. Of course, of course.. this had to happen during dissection. Ok. So, they're not rotting yet. But you know, I'm going to come back and a few will be missing. In the vent, in a box, behind a bookcase. The stench will just grow and grow. I won't be able to find it. Nothing will cover it. I've got like esix kids that would do it, bullets blazing or not. Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal. They'll have that shit eating grin and I know.. Wait, there goes Timmy. I'm going to use that little bastard as a meat shield until he tells me.

I'm r33's humour that was aborted a few years ago... singing another one bites the dust or hit me with best shot. I'm the dancing baby from Ally McBeal. That clock is a ticking. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes... these are just random body parts. We've seen their homework, they could barely function outside of the womb. Give it a rest, Mary. Be a grown up and rifle through their things for their phones, remember to ditch the sim cards. You've got a retirement to think of. Also, let's go check out the nurses office. You know, she's gotta be snorting half the kids pills by now. Maybe you could join in. Another one bites the dust

I'm Helen Mirren. The film I starred in didn't feature a mass shooting but the Columbine massacre forced the studio to change the film's title, which was a box office flop. It co-starred a future Mrs. Tom Cruise.

I’m the compacted shit in OP’s digestive tract about to burst his colon, leading to sepsis and a slow painful death.

R37, Oh dear. You may want to find a prognosis for your inner self loathing and bitter resentment.

[quote] I’m sure the idea of throwing stuff (chairs, books, bags, desks, phones) at a shooter has occurred to people before now. How often is it effective?

If you have no other options, as a last resort, it is better to stun an assailant than to cower and wait for the end. Women are taught to gouge out the eyes of rapists with keys or whatever they have on hand. A bucket of rocks is better than nothing if the district has no money for anything else. The "Republican" option is to arm teachers, which is an INSANELY bad idea. I'd take a bucket of rocks any day over that.

r39 ah, so that's why the left supports fundamentalist, tribal, islam. they just want to stone

I'm Mr. Hand, and I don't allow students to have pizza in my class, on my time. I sure as hell won't allow guns.

I'm the libertarian history professor who whips out his glock in sanctimonious smugness, gunning down both shooters a la Die Hard style, rescuing students from the library and saving the day.

Except he had a doctors appointment that day and is explaining what he would have done on Foxnews. He tried to warn you libtards.