ABC Afterschool Specials

The Hero: Teacher discovers that the star basketball player is illiterate, and makes it his mission to teach him how to fuck.

The Gift: Two terminally ill teens strike up a highly charged sexual relationship while in a hospital ward. One of the boys decides to sacrifice to the other to the devil so he can have a chance to live forever.

Man Wanted: Sensing his mom is lonely and looking for companionship, an 18 year-old decides to go to bed with her.

I used to love getting drunk and watching these. Like 5 years ago. Especially the one with the drunk mom.

Notice Me: A Teenage girl is frustrated about her lack of attention in her gospel singing family. She writes a song about her pussy, and soon finds herself singing solo concerts in LA.

My Terrible Mom: A16-year-old girl suddenly realizes that her mother is emotionally and verbally abusive to her. She decides to get revenge by setting her home on fire and moving in with her girlfriend.

R3: The Lilith Fair of our time, really!

Scott Baio drinks too much and wets the bed.

Kristy McNichol fucks a Nazi through a chain link fence during Passover.

[bold]Girl Afraid: Tricia's Journey Home.[/bold] Newly arrived in town, a pretty blonde sophomore struggles to adapt to her new school and its unruly students. When she meets a cute boy at a party, she’s swept up in his smile, and reluctantly agrees to snort the white powder he offers her. It's not until she jumps out the living room's bay window that she realizes that the angel dust might not have agreed with her.

The Diary of Frank Frank: A young Jewish boy falls in love with Rolf the Nazi boy who delivers telegrams to his family's estate.

R8 Girl Afraid: Tricia's Journey Home. Newly arrived in town, an ugly, fat sophomore struggles to adapt to her new school and its fun-loving students. When she meets a cute boy at a party, she’s instantly obsessed with him, and reluctantly agrees to snort the white powder he offers her. It’s not until she jumps out of a 2nd story window that she realizes that snorting PCP wasn’t very smart.

My Grandma My Enemy: A sassy gay teen must contend with his overprotective babysitting grandmother during the summer of 1989. He still manages to have fun, fancy lunches out and plenty of hot sex with his boyfriend much to his grandmother’s chagrin.

I want to see Tough Titty, starring Kristy McNicol, Paul Lynde as the dad and Wesley Eure as dad’s twink boyfriend.

The Gift and Notice Me sound riveting. Does Sheena Easton star in Notice Me singing Sugar Walls?

[bold]From Tiny Acorns*:

[italic]Pamelyn Ferdin plays a flat-chested high school girl named Jennifer with a flat chest.

Her friend, played by Eve Plumb, tells her that her titties will never grow until she finds a boy to play with them...sexually...

Jennifer begins a search to find boys with the "magic hand" who can show her how to turn her tiny buds into BIG gorgeous titties!

*Contains mature subject matter

Well we know that boy never met Coco.

[quote]My Terrible Mom: A16-year-old girl suddenly realizes that her mother is emotionally and verbally abusive to her. She decides to get revenge by setting her home on fire and moving in with her girlfriend.

I'm picturing Lisa Whelchel as the daughter.

And Beverly Garland as the mother.

This had me laughing until I pissed my pants

The Gift: Two terminally ill teens strike up a highly charged sexual relationship while in a hospital ward. One of the boys decides to sacrifice to the other to the devil so he can have a chance to live forever.

The Boy Who Drank Too Much - Scott Baio's simping for the far right show that he probably did drink too much

My Math Teacher, My Lover

[bold]Bloo-Dee-Dee-Blee-Dee-Dee-BLAH![/bold]

A teen girl with an itchy cooter (Britney Spears) is struck with early-onset schizophrenia, horrifying onlookers at the mall.

Clouds of Innocence: Two fundamental Christian teens grapple with going all the way before marriage, certain it will send them to Hell. On the winter evening of their fateful decision, they choose the station wagon in the boy's garage to explore their love. The girl turns on the engine to get some warmth and the pair is found the next morning, two suicides stuck in purgatory forever.

Starring Scott Jacoby, Lisa Pelikan and a pre-spasmodic Gail Strickland as Mrs. Licht.

OP- Dirty Ho

Isn't that the ABC Afterschool Special with Wendi Jo Sperber

Not Without My LSD - an innocent girl's experimentation with drugs goes too far

The Summer of My German Bottom

All-American kid Scotty (Moosie Drier) strikes up a most unusual friendship with Axel (Ike Eisenmann), a Berliner who is studying abroad in the USA.

Latchkey Homo Whore.

Kevin (Wesley Eure) is the innocent teenager who opens his bedroom to strangers while his mother is working. He does it just to make money for college and his friend Alexander (Leigh McCloskey) has warned him about the dangers of working the streets.

But Kevin finds out about the REAL danger of whoring when he falls in love with Fred (Carl Betz) a doctor with deep pockets.

Blow the Man Down - Scott Baio runs away from his abusive home and joins the Navy, finding himself (and his true desires) in the process

Lena Dunham wanted to direct and star in a remake of Dirty Ho several years ago but was turned down by every studio in town. It is her passion project!

Alter Ego -

A young Kurt Russell's Science experiment goes awry when he creates a potion that changes him from popular heterosexual jock to freaky homosexual slut who just can't get enough dick!

Also starring Bret Somers as his angry mother, "Goddammit, I just changed these sheets an hour ago, and you're having another gangbang in here!"

And Charles Nelson Riley as his understanding father, "Now honey, he's just going through a phase - be patient with him."

These were so far ahead of their time!

Dad, the Cuntasaurus and Me

Danielle Brisebois stars as a girl whose widowed father begins dating a woman she can't stand. She offers to make dinner for her dad and his new paramour and poisons her meatloaf, murdering her. Of course, the woman is played by Linda Lavin, so the girl is exonerated at the end.

^ Is that the movie where Linda Lavin scats all over their house...

Daddy Can’t Read: Teenage girl doesn't understand why her father is against her campaign to promote literacy at his factory. Until she discovers that her father can't read. She teaches him to read while he teaches her how to suck his cock.

A Town’s Revenge: A teenager who tries to convince his town to farm without using pesticides finds many of the residents trying to rape him.

Teen Lottery Loser: 14-year-old wins the lottery and thinks all her problems are over. But she quickly learns that her real problems are really her pancake tits.

[quote]ABC Afterschool Specials

It was astonishing how un-special these were.

My Dad Lives in a Downtown Bathhouse

When his parents divorce, Adam (Stanley Livingston) can't figure out why his father (Bernie Kopell) won't let him see his new downtown apartment. Then one day Adam follows Dad home from work and learns the secret: Dad's living at the Roman Holiday Baths!

With Kay Medford as Aunt June

Help, I've Been Cast in a Musical!

Football jock Kip (Jimmy Baio) has a crush on Debbie (Lisa Gerritsen), so he tries out for the high school musical that she's set to star in. Can Kip deal with the razzing from the guys on the team, the fact that tap dancing isn't as easy as tackling, and his newfound love for getting cock shoved up his ass — and still get the girl?

Help, I'm a Jinx:

Young Cousin Oliver, played by Robbie Rist, begins to think it's his fault...

when every TV show he's cast in gets cancelled!

"Mother, May I Sleep With Stranger Danger?" Dawn Lyn plays a naive teenager who doesn't realize the man in the white van wants her to lick more than his ice cream cones. With Abe Vigoda as the Good Humor Man and Sada Thompson as a concerned social worker.

Being Thin Tastes Better Than Any Food: Marcia (Pamela Sue Anderson) is in her ballet class and her mercilessness ballet teacher (Joel Gray in a rare performance) pokes her with his cane and proclaims loudly that she resembles the hippos in, "Fantasia". Kristy runs out sobbing, and a classmate Kristy,(Susan Dey) tells her her "thin" secret- to vomit everything she eats. Kristy does what her classmate says, starts to lose weight, but saves all her vomit in tupperware stored in various places in her room. Kristy's mom Jodie, (Cathy Lee Crosby) finds the stored vomit, confronts Marcia, and makes her promise not to vomit again.

Marcia goes back to Kristy for advice, and Kristy tells her of a miracle diet pill and curbs your appetite and gives you energy. Marcia obtains them, starts losing more weight, taking more ballet classes, accomplishes all of her homework, to the astonishment of everyone. Marcia gets hooked on the diet pills, loses so much weight that she's a bag of bones, with massive hair loss, bad breath, and no energy at all. Jodie tries to get her medical help and therapy, but Marcia is a lost cause.

R39 2/10

"Sarah Sees Red". Sarah (Jill Whelan) has never been told about menstruation, and has to learn the hard way when she wears white on a school field trip.

With Pamelyn Ferdin, Quinn Cummings, Kim Richards, and Tina Yothers as fellow students, and Rosie O'Donnell as the kindly bus driver.

R41 lol

My Friend My Pussy

Aftersex special: a wet wipe

Binx McAdoo and the Wheelchair Kid

After he breaks both legs at football practice, star quarterback Binx McAdoo (Brandon Cruz) feels sorry for himself because he's stuck in a wheelchair for six weeks. Then he meets Jimmy Starr (Doug McKeon), who's been in a wheelchair since birth. The two become fast friends over games of wheelchair basketball and sleepovers where Jimmy's mouth proves there's really nothing wrong with Binx "below the waist"!

With Lisa and Cindy Eilbacher as their girlfriends — their EX-girlfriends!

^ Madison Cawthorn and his cousin give it 4 stars!!

A young tween finds fame as a singer and dancer at her local mall. She opens her own store against great odds.

Op is a fucking genius. I’m crying and coughing from laughing.

Steve Smart and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Really Bad Secret

At summer camp, Steve Smart (Radames Pera) is a star on the baseball field and the archery range, until the other campers discover his secret: Steve is a bedwetter! Now no one wants to be his teammate or his roommate. Fortunately his counselor Cam (Don Grady) is sympathetic and gives him some facts on bedwetting: more boys than girls do it, it can run in families, and — in a special late-night lesson — not all "nocturnal emissions" are unpleasant!

Hector Projector - a Growing Pains era Kirk Cameron plays a teen who bullies the "fags" at his school. Turns out it was all a ruse to hide the fact that he's a big ol' queen himself!

Who is the Real George Santos? - Radames Pera plays George Santos, a kid who tells numerous lies about himself to win the class president election

Be All That You Can Be - after high school, tough inner city kid Glenn Scarpelli joins the army. In basic training, the drill sergeant with a secret (Special Guest Star Robert Conrad) teaches him a few special lessons in the showers

Someone Cardinal Pell Touched

I'm Sad 'Cause Dad Died on the Toilet: The Lisa Marie Presley Story

r45 I hope there will be cameos from Alec and Kaleb from Shriners!

Why Does Daddy Drink?: The Violet Affleck Story

[quote]I'm Sad 'Cause Dad Died on the Toilet: The Lisa Marie Presley Story *

* and he was eating a Nutty Buddy - and it was the last one!

My Teen Tutor - TJ (Lance Kerwin) is the star forward on his high school basketball team, but unless he passes the English Lit mid term he won't be able to play in the finals.

His English teacher Nadine (Theresa Merritt) knows that shy genius Daryl (Barry Livingston) is the boy who can pull TJ through.

TJ finds that lit isn't dull after all when Daryl introduces him to Lady Chatterley's Lover and The Works of Oscar Wilde and finally The Sins of the Cities of the Plain.

Once Daryl takes off his glasses, he's a whole new person.....and TJ learns the real meaning of Flip Flop....after he scores the winning basket in the very finals of the season.

[bold]Gina Has an Itchy Giney[/bold]

A straight-A student (Melora Hardin), bullied after catching crabs off a toilet seat and scratching in class, leaves school and starts hooking on the Minnesota Strip. Co-starring Shirley Hemphill as her lovable pimp, Daddy Maxine.

Chainlink: Origins

Lisle’s trying to break into the crack whore profession, but suffers from anal trauma, black eyes, and teeth marks on his dick. One night he discovers the wonders of chainlink fencing - a barrier that offers safety while ensuring full access to girthy penis.

Bad Ronna

Bullied incel teenager Ronald Wilby accidentally kills a neighborhood girl and his terminally ill mother hides him from the police in the crawlspaces of their home. After she dies, a new family with three daughters moves in. Ronald secretly terrorizes the family, while discovering the girls' wardrobe and makeup and transforms into Ronna.

Ronna emerges from the home, is caught by the police, but the charges are soon dropped because it was Ronald who committed the crime, not Ronna. Ronna returns to school and becomes the captain of the girls' swimming team and homecoming queen.

Jimmy's Different (1990) - Jimmy (Danny Pinaturo) is bullied by Steve (Matt Damon), the class bully, for being a "fag"

He is counseled by a wise teacher (Earl Holliman) who senses his "secret"

It Isn't Easy Being a Teenage "Billionaire" - starring Barron Trump. Cameo by a drunk Steve Bannon and a drunk Roger Stone

Deb's a Tomboy (1975) - a young Jodie Foster portrays Deb, a tomboy who dreams of driving a big rig. Co-starring Holland Taylor as Aunt Barb.

Benjamin Franklin, Mr. Graham, Mom, The Bottle and Me

Mark (Patrick Labyorteaux) has two problems: he stutters when he gets nervous, and his mother (Joan Hotchkis) is an alcoholic. Drama teacher Mr. Graham (Kent McCord) shows he has faith in Mark by casting him in the lead role of Ben Franklin in the school play, but Mark is worried that his mother will embarrass him by showing up drunk for the performance.

Unfortunately, she does, but Mark pushes through and delivers a stutter-free performance that gets a standing ovation. With Mr. Graham's help, Mark realizes that his mother's problem doesn't have to dominate his life, and also how good a serious deep-throat blow job feels.

With Jane Wyatt as Grandma Helen

Trapped In My Own Body -

Fourteen year old Anthony (Flip Mark) wanders into the gym during the tryouts for cheerleader and realizes who is really is.....a girl!

His mother Adele (Pat Crowley) is dismissive of his pleas for understanding and takes him to a psychiatrist (Linda Kaye Henning) who tries to convince him of his destiny as a strong American male.

Anthony is almost convinced, until Prom Night - when Gennifer (Susan Olsen) is about to be crowned Queen of the Prom.....he shows up in full drag is crowned Queen of the Prom instead....

He is now known as Antonia and bravely applies to Sarah Lawrence.

...who HE really is.....

My whole pitch just went into the sewer.

From Child Star to Skid Row, starring Adam Rich

Dinky Dunham Shoots Pebbles

Dinky Dunham harbors a terrible secret; she can't stop shoving pebbles into her baby sister's vagina. June Lockhart stars as the understanding psychotherapist who tries to convince Dinky to kill herself.

Why Can't Lauren Read? - America discovers that Congresscreature Lauren Boebert is functionally illiterate

WHEAT STREET: SUMMER OF LOVE

Distressed her family is losing their home, teen Helen Hunt uses her science fair project to turn her out of work dad (Darren McGavin) and substitute teacher mom (Betty Buckley) into mind-controlled sex bots.

With the help of Lisa Pelikan (her older sister from business school) and younger brother Mason Reese (a paper boy who dreams of becoming a carnival barker), Hunt quickly raises funds by pimping her parents out to hungry suburban neighbors.

In the end Hunt sells her technology to a venture capitalist client (Stephen Collins) and the parents are awakened, none the wiser. Mom is delighted to find herself pregnant, leaving the door open for the sequel WHEAT STREET: MY CHOCOLATE BABY.

[quote]R22 Starring Scott Jacoby, Lisa Pelikan and a pre-spasmodic Gail Strickland as Mrs. Licht.

OMG… I can’t believe you cast Lisa Pelican, too!! And I thought I was picking an obscure name!

I might have to use last minute replacement Madeleine Potter if shooting schedules overlap.

My Mother’s Lover

A homely teenaged girl (Eve Plumb) turns her abrasive, braless, fried egg tittied divorcee mother (Bonnie Franklin) in for statutory rape when she catches mom in bed with her crush, the high school jock (Leigh McCloskey).

With help from her guidance counselor (Diana Hyland), mother and daughter find their way back to each other, while the boyfriend realizes he is bisexual and ends up moving to San Francisco with the football coach (Robert Reed).

“Timmy Tastes Funny”

The Smith family gets snowed in over Christmas and the youngest dies from pneumonia.

The Salts and The Peppers (1972)

Peoria High basketball star Jimmy Pepper (Joseph Bottoms) is struggling with the leukemia death of his beloved mother (Sheree North). After his father (Tab Hunter) hits the bottle and Jimmy hard, Jimmy runs away to the dark side of town. He holes up with his hip old housekeeper Clarice Salt (Della Reese) and her athletic son Lincoln (Kyle Johnson). Jimmy and Lincoln, new best friends, win basketball scholarships to UCLA and take a road trip to West Hollywood, where their brothers Sam (Jan-Michael Vincent) and Calvin (Mike Warren) live together. Zany neighbors Jayne Meadows, Imogene Coca, Wally Cox, and Charles Nelson Reilly keep a watchful eye on the brothers as all kinds of discoveries and hijinks ensue.

I am DYING laughing at this thread! Well done, bitches!

My latchkey children will not watch your smut, R75!

Sally: Portrait of a Teenage Housewife

Honor student Season Hubley is forced to raise her four younger siblings when mom Patty Duke-Astin dies. Boyfriend Desi Arnaz Jr. marries her to help share the load, yet eventually cracks under the pressure of juggling fatherhood and his after school job as a soda fountain jerk.

I don’t know what happens next.

Shut up and suck my pussy!

Desi’s soda jerk coworker Tyrone (Clarence Williams III) is a pimp and drug dealer. Soon he has Desi hooked on dope and Season streetwalking to pay off Dad’s dope debt. When Tyrone lets it be known that he’s putting Season’s younger sisters on the corner next (Felice Schachter, Melissa Sue Anderson), Season shoots him dead.

A tough lady defense attorney (Diana Muldaur) is able to prove self defense. Desi is sent to rehab to get off smack and Season and her siblings are sent to live with an eccentric, religious great aunt (Piper Laurie, pre-Carrie).

*Desi’s dope debt. DAMN

The Skateboard Twins

Johnny (Jimmy McNichol) is the skateboard champ at Valley High — until his twin sister Janie (Kristy McNichol) decides to try skateboarding and proves to be a natural! What's a teenage boy to do when his sister is a better skateboarder than he is? When Johnny breaks his arm just before the regional skateboard contest, Johnny hopes Richie (Lance Kerwin) will beat Janie, but on the day of the contest he sees the light and shows up to support his sister. Janie becomes the first "girl" skateboard champ, and Johnny and Richie go home and have repeated anal sex, providing to Johnny there's more to life than skateboarding!

[quote]"Sarah Sees Red". Sarah (Jill Whelan) has never been told about menstruation, and has to learn the hard way when she wears white on a school field trip. With Pamelyn Ferdin, Quinn Cummings, Kim Richards, and Tina Yothers as fellow students, and Rosie O'Donnell as the kindly bus driver.

I'd change Rosie's role as the "kindly bus driver" to the "bus driver who killed someone in a road rage accident, but is currently out of jail on bail, who screams "plug it up" at Sarah while throwing tampons at her. Sarah is left sobbing on the side of the road until kindly local pedophile, played by Fred Grandy, explains to her the facts of life"

Big Day For Big Dix - High School quarterback Stevie "Big Dix" Dixon (Doug McKeon) has to pass his high school history final to play in the big game, while fighting his feelings for his football coach (Special Guest Star Joe Namath)

Maybe I'll Come Home in the Summer:

Sally Field plays the rebellious daughter of middle-class California family (her father played by Jackie Cooper and her mother played by Eleanor Parker) who runs away from home to live her life on the streets with her hippie drug-taking friends.

After falling for a street-wise cross-dressing pimp named Flack (played by David Carradine), Sally becomes disillusioned with her new life when Flack keeps stealing her clothes and stretching them all out.

Sally decides to return home, where she finds her younger sister (played by Lane Bradbury who has a curious, unexplained Southern accent) has taken her place the rebellious drug-taking problem daughter in her absence, who is constantly fighting and at odds with their parents.

But all ends well, when Sally realizes that Lane is the same size as Flack - and would be perfect to share her whore clothes with him - and helps Lane run away to live as a teen prostitute working for Flack, leaving Sally to live peacefully in her parents bougie middle-class home without all the teen rebellion and drama.

Jimmy's Joy Ride, 1980:

Jimmy (played by Lance Kerwin) receives a souped-up Camaro for his 16th birthday from his distracted real estate broker parents (Don Meridith and Barrie Youngfellow). He shows off to his envious high school friends. Smoking, drinking, raising hell all over town and the interstate. A rogue highway patrolman (Frank Converse) has had enough of these antics and sets a speed trap for young Jimmy involving spike strips, which send's Jimmy and his Camaro into the brush. The officer then gives Jimmy a lesson of a lifetime in the back of his cruiser. Instead of learning from his mistakes, Jimmy speeds down every highway in the tri-state area, hunting for cop cock.

Brenda Vaccaro stars as the Coroner who has to break the news to Jimmy's parents.

^ I'm sorry to tell you that your son is a raging homosexual, who has a fetish for hot older policemen.

Other the hand, he seems to really be enjoying himself, and he's helped me get several speeding tickets dismissed.

Perhaps Sheriff Paul Babeu can make an appearance in Jimmy's Joy Ride

“Dawson’s Weekend”

Dawson (Matthew Labyorteaux) is caught smoking weed with his best friend Brock (Lance Kerwin). Worried about the path he's on, Dawson’s mother Karen (Marlo Thomas), asks her friend and lover, Bruce, (Robert Reed), who runs a drug rehab facility for teenage boys, to bring on Dawson for a weekend to teach him to just say no.

Dawson learns that facility is really a front for an elaborate teen drug and prostitution operation. To stop Dawson from revealing all, Bruce gets his gang of mean boys lead by, Scott Baio and Clark Brandon, to stop Dawson in the most shocking way possible. Dawson learned to say no, but his hole said yes over and over again.

Also starring: Ruth Buzzi as "Hildy the Secretary" and Willie Aames, Leif Garrett and Shaun Cassidy, with a special appearance by Danny Bonaduce as "Squeak"

50 Load Weekend (1989) - Bratty rich teen Carson Alexander Wilkins (Kirk Cameron) is punished for stealing by his moneybags father (Roy Thinnes). He is forced to get a weekend job loading and unloading at the docks, where he learns an important lesson about hard work.

“My ATM Was Never About The Money”

Rachel Dratch Stars as a parole officer with a heart of gold and a long meandering dark, dirt road. Tim Meadows won’t return calls.

My Bully's Secret

On the first day of school, Tom (Scott Storch) accidentally knocks over the bike of the biggest bully at Warner High, Mooch (Adam Baldwin). Now he has to run home every day so Mooch won't beat him up. Seeing how fast he can run, Coach Foster (Bo Hopkins) offers Tom a place on the track team. Tom confides in Coach Foster that Mooch is bullying him, and the coach suggests that something must be wrong with Mooch's life. The boys talk and it comes out that Mooch never learned to read! Now friends, they meet after school every day to teach each other something: Tom teaches Mooch how to read, and Mooch teaches Tom how to throw a real piston-fuck with his hips. Everybody wins!

“Bang the Chocolate Turtle Drum” (alternate title: “Not Very Good Friends”)

After the “accidental” death of his younger beauty queen sister, JonBenet (Lindsay Sidney Greenbush), 9-year-old Burke (Jackie Earle Haley) processes his grief by confiding in a kindly police interrogator (Russell Johnson of “Gilligan’s Island” fame). Told in flashbacks, the story depicts the siblings’ complex but loving relationship: Burke shredding his sister’s rhinestone cowgirl costume before The Boulder Little Miss Pageant, Burke stabbing her with a section of train track from his miniature railroad set, and Burke batting her over the head with a flashlight after the little harlot tries to steal his pineapple while enjoying a midnight snack. Burke finally breaks down when the interrogator offers him some candy from a box of chocolate turtles—the same brand JonBenet loved! The same kind of candy box in which he’d always replace the chocolate turtles with his own feces!

The interrogator ends the session by bringing in Burke’s parents, John and Patsy (played by real-life husband and wife Hal Holbrook and Delta Burke), who had been anxiously waiting in the reception area. Burke cries “I was jealous because you loved her more than me!” Patsy reassures him, “Don’t worry son—she’ll never come between us again!”

The program ends with the family and the interrogator making a pact to never to reveal the contents of their discussion. The family gives the interrogator stacks of cash before returning home. The interrogator gives his two weeks notice then flies to the south of France to live out the rest of his days in luxury.

The final scene: JonBenet’s Little Miss Crown sits atop the family’s fireplace. The camera pans down to the fire, where the empty box of candy and a cord of rope slowly burn as the end credits roll.

Producer’s note: Any resemblance to any person(s), living or dead, is purely coincidental!

[quote]played by real-life husband and wife Hal Holbrook and Delta Burke

Um ... no.

R94, meant Gerald McRaney!

What? No Helen Lawson guest starring role as the drunken student counselor who tells Eve Plumb that she "ain't never get a real man with those tiny titties" before teaching her how to please a woman the right way?

IMO, Helen’s appearances on the Afterschool Specials never really worked, because her footage was always so obviously shot separately from the child actors in order to circumvent lawsuits.

They just didn’t have the technology back then to make the interactions appear seamless.

Frankly, this was a sad period for her.

OMG! My stomach hurts I'm laughing so hard!

THIS is why I pay money to Muriel!

Trapped in the Orient

Fed up with her stepdaughter’s (Susan Richardson, Maureen McCormick) fresh mouths and wild antics, an evil stepmother (Suzanne Pleshette) sells them into white slavery, with the two ending up in a Hong Kong whorehouse.

Featuring-France Nuyen as the evil madam; Pat Suzuki as the kindly whorehouse housekeeper; Erin Grey as the helpful counselor; and Jack Ford as the FBI agent who rescues them.

I'm a Skid Row Hustler - Willie Sanders (Scott Jacoby) hustles downtown to pay for a liver transplant for his alcoholic mother (special guest star Eleanor Parker). Special Guest Star George Maharis plays client #1

Help! I'm Embarrassed By My Mom! - African orphan David (Gary Coleman) is constantly humiliated by his adoptive mother, a nipple-flashing, attention seeking pop star (Roz Kelly)

"Who You Lookin' at, Honkey?"

Shirley Hemphill plays a quick-witted welfare mother who struggles to feed her family on government benefits. Guest starring Jimmy "JJ" Walker and Todd Bridges with special guest star Donna Mills as their greedy white slumlord.

The Rapes of Wrath - Valerie Bartinelli and Melissa Gilbert play two high school girls who team up to find a masked rapist who is targeting their schoolmates. They're shocked to find out that the real rapist is.....their beloved science teacher, Mr. Dean (special guest star Randolph Mantooth)

The Trash Menagerie - Leigh McCloskey plays a teen who dreams of playing The Gentleman Caller in his high school production of The Glass Menagerie. But in the meantime he has to cope with his hoarder mother (special guest star Vera Miles)

[quote]After the “accidental” death of his younger beauty queen sister, JonBenet (Lindsay Sidney Greenbush),

Lindsay Greenbush and Sidney Greenbush were twins who shared the role of Carrie Ingalls on "Little House on the Prairie".

But in fairness, they were identified as "Lindsay Sidney Greenbush" in the credits.

Takin' It To the Streets

Dawn Domingo (Linda Blair) becomes a teenage runaway after she is ostracized by her high school classmates for giving syphilis to the entire football team. She survives by working the streets of Cleveland, often robbing her johns after she blows them in their cars. Dawn is befriended by a group of drug-addicted fellow prostitutes (The Pointer Sisters) who involve her in their plot to murder their abusive pimp (Telly Savalas).

Guest starring Mary Wickes as the kindly nurse who runs the STD clinic.

Because of this thread I watched the real Afterschool Special "Please Don't Hit Me, Mom!" on YouTube.

Lesbian icon Nancy McKeon babysits 8-year-old Sean Astin when she notices bruises all over his body. Oh, what to do? It doesn't help that the boy's older brother has asked Nancy to the prom and tells her to butt out of his family's business. Pretending she's writing a paper, Nancy meets with a doctor who gives her straight talk on child abuse and what she needs to do next.

The best part was that Sean's mom was his real-life mom, Patty Duke Astin, and as always in these TV projects she's the best thing in them. She really goes after Sean in a scary way that she probably couldn't have done with a random child actor.

[quote]She survives by working the streets of Cleveland, often robbing her johns after she blows them in their cars. Dawn is befriended by a group of drug-addicted fellow prostitutes (The Pointer Sisters) who involve her in their plot to murder their abusive pimp (Telly Savalas).

I like this, but I think it needs to end in a dance number, with Linda leading a pack of whores, drug addicts and trannies, dancing down Euclid Avenue to Quad City's "C'mon N Ride The Train" with a special appearance by Snoop Dog as Linda's pimp who smacks her around, just for good measure. The show is dedicated in memory to the Ultimate Pimp Daddy, Rick James

[quote]The show is dedicated in memory to the Ultimate Pimp Daddy, Rick James

Who incidentally was Linda's fucktoy/coke buddy.

Why is Grandma a Bitch? - when her parents die, rebellious teen Cindy Cowley (Mindy Cohn) goes to live with her wealthy, imperious grandma (special guest star Olivia de Havilland). Grandma is always giving her advice like "Stay away from the doughnuts! There's a cute girl hiding beneath those spare pounds!"

Special guest star Cesar Romero plays grandma's friend and decorator, Ramon

Why Does Grandpa Drink? - Teenager Linda Burwell (Melissa Sue Anderson) has to adjust when her grandpa (Orson Welles, who took this role because he had gambling debts to pay off) moves in with her and her parents. Soon, bottles begin to disappear from her parents' wine cellar. Mom and dad blame her and her friends...but it was grandpa the whole time!!!

Oh, Fank You! (1975) - Parker Stevenson plays Jerry Andrews, a popular high school quarterback with an autistic brother (Lance Kerwin). Jerry convinces Coach Smith (Alex Karras) to give his younger brother a spot on the team. Little bro gets a few minutes of playing time at the end of the game, and manages to recover a fumble for a touchdown!

Have You Heard About the Girls' Gym Teacher? (1982) - Lisa Kaye (Sarah Jessica Parker) is the new kid in school. One day, she overhears some schoolkids gossiping that the girls' gym teacher, Mrs. Martin (Nancy Kulp), is....that way. To fit in with the other students, she starts spreading the gossip. Finally, kindly teacher Mrs. Burton (Marion Ross) takes her aside and tells her that it's never okay to gossip (Even if the gossip is 100% true!!!)

15 & Pregnant With Twins! By Different Fathers! (1978) Jennifer (Susan Olson) learns the evils of mixing Quaaludes and gin at a raucous teen party across the tracks in the town's wealthy neighborhood. She is full of despair when she finds she is pregnant with not one, but two babies. Not wanting to end up like her worthless, alcoholic mother (Susan Blakely), Jen sets out to find the paternity of the twins. Her young chemistry teacher (Special Guest Star Susan Day) assists on the quest, often invoking the ire of the school's principal, played by Lawrence Luckinbill. As luck would have it, Jennifer makes an early discovery of a certain DNA just as she's going into labor. It turns out the father of Twin #1 is rich boy Danny (Lance Kerwin), and Twin #2 was fathered by another town richie (Dennis Christopher). Their mothers (Susan Lucci, Susan Anton, respectively) are furious when they learn how this white trash teen harlot seduced their unsuspecting sons. But the truth comes out, and Jennifer has her day in court, winning extravagant child support awards. Special Guest Star Susan Sullivan plays the judge. Another win for plucky new single mom Jennifer is receiving a patent for her DNA discovery, and a job at a newly formed biotech. Rolling in cash, she moves with the twins out of the cramped single wide she shares her useless mother and into the rich folks' hood. Introducing Nell Carter as the twins' mammy/wet nurse. Music by Toni Basil.

[quote]The best part was that Sean's mom was his real-life mom, Patty Duke Astin, and as always in these TV projects she's the best thing in them. She really goes after Sean in a scary way that she probably couldn't have done with a random child actor.

She wrote in one of her memoirs that their roles weren't much of a stretch back then.

“Uh Oh, Schizo!”

Kristopher Knight stars as Carl, a rightfully ashamed bedwetter, who meets the love of his life when Gina (Aileen Quinn) crawls out to the warm part of the high school pool to show off her cutting scars and explain the transmitter government agents have implanted in her vagina.

Can these too kooky kids make it work? What about Carl’s sickle cell anemia? You forgot the sickle cell anemia?

I'm trying to decide which Afterschool Special to watch tonight on YouTube ...

"Andrea's Story: A Hitchhiking Tragedy" starring DL fave Kirk Cameron

"The Day My Kid Went Punk" starring Bernie Kopell

"A Special Gift," about a teenage boy who wants to dance ballet

^ All of those sound like they could have been created by DLers

“From the Mixed-Up Muff of Ms. Betty Lynn Frankenheimer”

Two pre-teen runaways decide to escape detection by hiding out in a spinster’s musty, unused vagina.

This ends in tears.

My favorite thing about this thread is the never before realized impact of Lance Kerwin on a generation of impressionable young gays.

Thanks, y'all!

The one about Angel Dust, "Desperate Lives" starring Helen Hunt, Diane Ladd, and DL fave Diana Scarwid.

Now Lance Kerwin is dead to me!!!

r1

OMG, Lance Kerwin is dead! I can't believe that David Soul, that crazy drunk, outlived him!

Maybe I'll Come Home In The Spring......with Lance Kerwin.

Production canceled.

"I Was a Teenage Vampire Hunter: The Lance Kerwin" story, starring gender neutral personal Bella Ramsey as a sensitive young person who gains notoriety in afterschool specials and made for TV horror movies; includes a special appearance as Cara Delevingne as David Soul

I hope you bitches are happy - reading untrue filth besmirching my good name on this homosexual site just killed me. Like, literally killed me.

Death of her innocence. Starring Pamela Sue Martin.